Daniel's Worst Christmas - An Original Holiday Tale

Daniel's Worst Christmas is a poetic retelling of the Canucks' 2009-10 season, in which an injury to Daniel Sedin led to a Hart trophy season for his twin brother, Henrik. But that wasn't the whole story...

In early October, when Santa is plotting

His route for the big Christmas nights

He looks to his wife, who is expert at spotting

Potentially huge oversights.

But last year, when Santa approached her to study

His game plan, he found she was sick.

With worriment said he, "I must find a buddy,

To stand in for Mrs. St. Nick!"

He looked in his workshop, but nobody in there

Was quite up to filling the gap.

He checked in the stable, but only saw reindeer.

Just antlers and caribou crap.

He looked on his good list, and there saw a brother,

The most loyal he'd ever seen.

A Swede who could play right-hand man like no other:

Canucks' winger, Daniel Sedin.

"Oh ho!" said he, "Daniel's a true second fiddle!"

He laughed a laugh heard North Pole-wide.

"His twin brother Henrik's the guy in the middle,

But Daniel just stays at his side!"

So down to Vancouver went Santa, with moxie.

Without Daniel, Christmas was sunk!

The first place he looked was the back of the Roxy.

He only found Patrick Kane, drunk.

Eventually, Santa found Daniel, inhaling

A huge cup of coffee, straight black.

He told Sedin how Mrs. Claus had been ailing,

And begged him to come with him back.

"I can't go," said Daniel, politely refusing,

"We'll lose if I'm not there to score.

But Santa shrugged, "Thirty-nine seasons of losing?

Canuck fans can lose a few more."

"Commissioner Bettman won't go for this, you'll see,"

Said Daniel, "His heart's black as coal.

If Bettman won't let us play hockey in Sochi,

He won't let me near the North Pole."

"I know Bettman well," Santa said, nearly stewing,

"He once was my most cloddish elf.

I fired him for bungling. But, looks like he's doing,

Incredibly well for himself."

"Forget him," said Santa, "Your presence is vital!

A world without Christmas is close!

The wave of dashed hopes and distress would be tidal,

Like when Lafayette hit the post."

"We'll tell all the fans that your foot's broken. Tragic,

But they'll understand. Whereupon,

I'll bless your twin brother with Santa Claus magic.

He'll play twice as good while you're gone!"

"Well, not too good," Daniel said, "Too good's forbidden."

He chuckled, then let out a scoff.

"He once got an all-star invite but I didn't.

It's petty, but that pissed me off."

"I don't want to see Henrik winning a trophy,

Or even worse, two! That'd be grim!

To save face, I might have to pay off Mike Brophy,

To say that I'm better than him. "

Thus, Daniel Sedin headed back to the fact'ry,

To tend to St. Nick's sudden need.

And Henrik Sedin started scoring, exactly

As Kris Kringle's blessing decreed.

And Santa, with Daniel on board, resumed making

His Christmas list, checking it twice.

He started by sorting the presents, and taking

Full stock of the naughty and nice.

"As usual, Pronger's been naughty," said Santa,

"His elbows and stomps make me cross.

Perhaps I could get him a trade to Atlanta,

Or better: a cup finals loss."

"And what should I get for the Calgary Sutters?

So long as they're running the thing,

Their team might appreciate fancy new putters

To help pass the time every spring."

"For Lou Lamoriello, a big piece of charcoal

Named Ilya. He'll be highly-sought.

His previous totals will sparkle and sparkle;

His play and his cap hit will not."

"To disciplinarian Campbell is given

A freshly-wiped e-mail inbox.

For Blackhawks fans, Vince Vaughn and Jeremy Piven.

The blogosphere, Damien Cox."

And thusly, did Daniel miss five weeks of hockey,

To sort the gifts, goodly and grim:

For frail Sami Salo, a lone stick of Pocky,

The one thing more fragile than him.

And when they were finished, said Santa Claus, grateful,

"You saved me! Saved Christmas, at that!

Hey, bring my good friend Kyle Wellwood this plateful

Of bagel bites. Man, is he fat."

And so Santa brought Sedin back to Vancouver

By sleigh, as he promised he would.

But there, they discovered his magic maneuver

Had made brother Henrik too good.

"He's scoring at will!" Daniel said, in a fury.

"He got a damn hat-trick last night!

I said make him Jeff Cowan, not Pavel Bure!

Mösspräst, Santa! Make it all right!"

"On Mason! On Backstrom! On Osgood & Howard!

He's scoring in ways unbeknown!"

But Santa was already gone (he's a coward),

And Daniel was left all alone.

The advent of Henrik alone was the story,

So Daniel tried coming on strong.

But Henrik, awash in that Santa Claus glory,

Just racked up points all season long.

The praises for Henrik were loud and ham-fisted,

And Daniel collateral dross.

It couldn't be stopped; no goal went unassisted.

He tragically won the Art Ross.

And worse yet, the Art Ross became a preamble

For Hart talk, among analysts.

To silence it, Daniel extorted Ken Campbell

To gripe about second assists.

But nothing can fight Christmas magic. Ovechkins

And Crosbies could never cut through,

(A lot like the Broncos could not stop the Redskins

In Super Bowl twenty and two.)

Though Henrik's last name was misspoken as "Sedden",

He won on that Las Vegas stage.

And down in the crowd, brother Daniel did redden,

Cheeks flush with competitive rage.

A season removed now from Henrik's ascendance,

Each instance that Daniel might score,

He thinks of last Christmas, then roofs it with vengeance,

And hates Santa Claus all the more.

Gary Bettman is a Man-Toad

At the urging of an anonymous commenter, I have written this essay, which will convincingly detail the reasons that Gary Bettman is a Man-Toad. Reason #1: just look. I rest my [exceedingly strong] case.

Gary Bettman Plays Poker

An unsophisticated player would move-in on him right there because he knows he can’t lose. But, what good is that? He’s only going to get a split. However, add some drama and a little acting to your play and there’s a chance you could win it all.

--Doyle Brunson, Super/System

Of all the names in hockey, very few have more nonsense said about them than Gary Bettman. People think he's a moron, or that he hates Canada, or that he secretly hates hockey and plans to bankrupt the sport. Typing certain curse words on the Calgary Flames message boards will have them changed to "Gary Bettman." Really, though, very little of what's said about him is true.

The man doesn't hate Canada, he just takes Canada for granted. He knows that Canadian markets will tend to sell out whether he does them favors or not, so he concentrates resources on breaking newer, larger markets. Hockey won't grow overnight in cities where it's not so big a deal. Canadians, who grow up loving hockey, tend to take that for granted, too. It's possible to win a city over, but it takes time. I'm not saying I agree with his ignoring Canada, because I don't. As a patriotic Canadian, I believe it's OUR game. Still, I'm not silly enough to believe he conspires against Canada. He just doesn't care.

The man's certainly not a moron. He tends to win prolonged legal battles, even though he comes out looking slimy in the process. Doing so takes a requisite amount of shrewdness. The man uses leverage like no other. Gary Bettman is a poker player.

Take, for example, all the noise he's making about the Luongo contract. More than a few Canucks fans have wondered why Luongo is the big name mentioned, instead of Hossa, Savard, Pronger or the like. Is it just a coincidence, fans ask, that he goes after the player in the Canadian market?

Nope. In this case, he's definitely targeting the Vancouver player, but not for the reason you might think. Like the perennial poker great Doyle Brunson, Bettman knows a well-timed bluff can pay off big time.

Bettman fought for a limit to contract length during the lockout and lost, but he knew that cap circumventing contracts like Kovalchuk's, Hossa's, and (yes) Luongo's would happen. Now that he's won an arbitration hearing, he's looking to use his position to muscle the NHLPA into submission.

Bettman won't void Luongo's contract. He's not in the business of losing court battles, and he'd definitely lose this one. Even if Luongo's contract was as bad as Kovalchuk's, because it's been registered for a year, both Mike Gillis and Luongo himself would have legitimate grievances should the contract be voided -- Luongo made financial moves expecting to be paid 10 million for the 2010-2011 season, and Gillis signed several contracts expecting Luongo to have a 5.33 cap hit. If the NHL were to void Luongo's contract, Gillis could argue that every contract he signed since should be revisited.

That's a fight Bettman doesn't want, because he may very well lose, and Bettman isn't in the business of losing court battles.

So why make a fuss? While Bettman doesn't want the court battle, he's betting that a weak NHLPA doesn't want it either. By threatening to come down on these contracts, Bettman is putting the pressure on the PA.

So why target Luongo? Because he needed a ruckus, and if there's one thing Canadian hockey fans do, it's make a ruckus. Every time there's Luongo news, most of Vancouver gets angry. Targeting Luongo makes plenty of noise, without the NHL actually doing anything. To date, all they've done is make threats -- threats they've got no intention of following through on -- and still, without any action, Canucks fans are still up in arms.

Of course, it didn't go quite as planned. Seriously, Vancouver, stop slagging your goaltender. A good portion of the reaction has been, "Oh, good, now we can go after a cheaper goaltender." Some Vancouver fans are silly, but that's another blog entirely.

When it comes down to it, Bettman isn't going to void Luongo's contract. He's not going to go after Hossa, either, and tarnish a Cup victory. Bettman doesn't care about Luongo's contract nearly as much as he cares about putting a stop to these deals in the future. He's going to be fighting the NHLPA tooth and nail to uphold the spirit of the salary cap, and I expect him to win.