I Watched This Game: Canucks at Maple Leafs, November 13, 2010

Canucks 5 - 3 Maple Leafs

So Skeeter and I watched this game, and we can safely say the Canucks were uncharacteristically poor tonight. Thankfully, the Maple Leafs were characteristically poorer, and the Canucks skated away, as Kevin Bieksa would say, with a greasy road win. Greasy like a certain John Travolta musical. Greasy like Kyle Wellwood's favourite meals. Greasy like Luongo's hair.

• Speaking of Luongo's hair, it is attached to Roberto Luongo, who was stellar like a jay tonight. While some fans might disagree with this assessment because he let in 3 goals, consider that he made 29 saves, many of the genus remarkable. His best save of the night: the game. This one was good too.

• The Canucks really need to deal with their sloppy seconds. And sloppy firsts and thirds. They've been playing some sloppy hockey on this road trip, and it needs to stop before it becomes a trend. Twitterverse: don't start a hashtag. We don't want this to trend.

• The Maple Leafs deserved better tonight, but they made the debilitating mistake of jumping out to an early two-goal lead. As everyone knows, the two-goal lead is the worst lead in hockey, and invariably leads to a loss. Also a bad lede: The White Castle on East Fordham Road in the Bronx shimmered as if glazed."

• On Kadri's kovalchoke: bwa ha ha, choke. But seriously, folks, you've gotta feel bad for him. After all, he's property of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

• Post-game, Don Cherry went on his usual rant about defencemen getting their sticks in the way of shots. His example? Mason Raymond's goal. The replay? The defenceman's stick didn't touch the shot. As we said on twitter, Giguere came down with a sudden case of stigmata and Raymond shot it through the hole. It had nothing to do with the defenceman's stick, Grapes. You're wrong. This is not uncommon.

• Tonight's goat: Christian Ehrhoff. He was grotesquely goatesque--as goatlike as Stevie Nicks. The stat line claims that he only had one giveaway, and while we all know numbers don't lie, this number feels very untrue. He was an adventure in the defensive zone, and not a fun one, like Indiana Jones. A terrible one, like Young Indiana Jones.

• Ryan Kesler was given first star of the game honours tonight, and while we think that's maybe one spot too high (Luongo deserved first star), he was definitely the best forward on the ice. That's the second game in a row where we can say that. It's also the second game in a row where he's netted two goals. The important thing about this is that Kesler's best work is suddenly coming on the road, like Jack Kerouac.

• On faceoffs: after what appeared to be a poor first period in the faceoff circle, Henrik Sedin wound up being the Canucks' top drawman, winning 61%. The interesting stat is Ryan Kesler being 5-for-5 in the offensive zone. He was 4-for-4 in Ottawa. This is one of the reasons the second line has been clicking the last two games, and a large part of the reason he has four goals. That said, he was 0-for-5 in the neutral zone, and finished the game 10-for-19 overall.

• While we're still on the topic, we assume one of Mario Bliznak's primary responsibilities as a natural center would be to win draws. He won none. He was 0-for-4 in the circle. Mario, we award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

• On the theme of diving and poor officiating: we are incredibly biased, but it seemed to us like the Canucks did nothing wrong, and the Maple Leafs did everything wrong. Especially egregious was Phil Kessel getting hit in the midsection by a Henrik Sedin stick and reacting like he'd been stabbed in the face with a lightsaber. Between that, and the time he slid the puck into Manny Malhotra's legs during a line change, hoping for a too many men call (or too "Manny" men, amirite?), Phil Kessel is a massive feminine hygiene product.

• Daniel Sedin's goal tonight was his 11th of the season. He's on pace for 56 goals. If it wasn't for Steven Stamkos and his 1012 goal pace, this might be more impressive. But it's still impressive. I don't need to remind all you Bulies how out for blood Daniel Sedin is. But seriously, he's out for blood like the androgynous Eli of Let the Right One In.

• And finally, watching the Maple Leafs lose makes me happy. Skeeter: "It makes me happy too." So we're both happy.

Armchair Cynic: How to Fix the Canucks Woes from the Safety of Home

The Vancouver Canucks have gotten off to a listless start, kicking off the 2010-11 season with a lackluster 2-3-2 record. Vancouver fans who like to be on top of such things as early as possible, look at the standings and notice that the Calgary Flames have the same number of points as the Canucks in two fewer games. All is not lost, however. As desperate as things seem, there's still a way for the Canucks to save their season and make the playoffs.

They need to hire me as their new general manager and coach.

As a fan who has never played the game at a competitive level, I know I can do a much better job at managing and coaching the Canucks than Alain Vigneault and Mike Gillis. Accordingly, I have prepared this list of solutions for what ails the Canucks. These bona fide solid-gold suggestions are provided free-of-charge. If the Canucks want more of my expertise, I'll need to see a contract.

• Move to a goaltending tandem inspired by Mighty Ducks 2: Luongo for regulation and overtime, Schneider for the shootout.

• Speaking of Mighty Ducks, begin scouting figure skaters for potential transfer over to professional hockey. Even female figure skaters. Especially female figure skaters.

• To inspire the slumping forward, pointedly use the word "silver" as often as possible around Ryan Kesler: bring up silverback gorillas for no reason, ask him to pass the silverware at team lunches, buy him a sterling silver necklace, and finally, get a tiny piece of wood stuck in your finger, ask Kesler for help removing it with tweezers, and repeatedly mis-pronounce the word "sliver."

• Temporarily sign enigmatic moustachioed free agent, Shmalexandre Shmurrows, to play with the Sedins for 3 games before sending him down to the minors, wherein he will mysteriously disappear and face punishment for failing to report to the Moose.

• Post a list on a bulletin board titled, "Other Teams Mikael Samuelsson Wasn't Picked For" including The Team 1040, Team Rocket, Team Edward, and #TeamRypien.

• Upon realizing that Kyle "They Don't Much Care for Ayn Rand in Russia" Wellwood has as many goals in 5 games in the KHL as Mason Raymond has in 7 games in the NHL, re-sign him to be the fifth-line centre.

• Memorize Herb Brooks famous speech from "Miracle" and recite it before every single game...in an imitation of Joshua Sacco's voice. Scwew 'em!

• Force the Team 1040 to fire Dave Tomlinson and hire university students to do color commentary.

• Since Andrew Alberts has shown such soft hands around the net, put him on the first-unit powerplay with the Sedins and plant him directly in front of the goalie.

• Slap Raffi Torres. Just slap him repeatedly.

• Make another trade with Florida.

In all seriousness, though, if I see Peter Schaefer start on the second line again, I will straight-up murder a beanie baby.

Canucks Add Redhead, Sign Raffi Torres

If you're just waking up, the signing of depth forward and former Canuck nemesis Raffi Torres broke last night on Dan Murphy's Twitter, no doubt intentionally, by Dan Murphy himself. The reactions to this signing were mixed. Some people loved it. Some people hated it. Some people want to be happy, but come on, Raffi Torres looks like such a douche. Some people named Harrison were excited because it was Canucks news and wanted to give it more thought but his wife decided that right then at the moment the news broke was as good a time as any to have a very serious talk about how much time I spend during the offseason trolling for Canucks news. Not cool, wife.

How am I feeling this morning? Tired, because that argument got way out of hand and the prospect of going to bed drifted further and further into the night. But also? Pretty happy about this signing.

Let's talk about Raffi, and let's agree right here and right now that Raffi the children's singer is too obvious a connection to make. We at Pass it to Bulis strive for a higher level of pop culture referencing, which is why, off the top of my head, I'm more inclinced to bring up Hakob Malik Hakobian, the Armenian author whose pen name is Raffi, and whose seminal work, The Fool, is an inspiration to patriotic freedom fighters from Tavush to Syunik. Or to reference the ironically named Raffi Armenian, who is not the Armenian Raffi I just referenced, but rather a French-Canadian conductor-composer and member of the order of Canada with no connection to his aforementioned namesake.

Okay, who am I kidding? As far as anybody's concerned, there's only one Raffi, and I guess, if I'm being honest, you can't fight the pop sensibility of If I Were a Gorilla.

Now let's talk about the hockey player. Raffi Torres is only six feet tall, but I've learned over the last two seasons to look less at height and more at weight. Keep in mind that Ryan Kesler and Alex Ovechkin are the same height. It's just that Kes is 195 lbs and Ovie is 220. Or consider that Mason Raymond and Raffi Torres are the same height, but Raymond is 180 lbs. and Torres, like Ovechkin, is 220. Don't get your hopes up, Canucks fans, as that's the only connection between the hockey of Raffi and the hockey of Ovechkin, but what you should be optimistic about is that Torres adds some girth to the forward corps. Torres is an energetic winger who likes to crash and bang and be a pest. He's tough to move from out in front of the net. And he's skilled. He's averaged about twenty goals a season for his career.

In fact, the only reason that Raffi Torres is coming to us for the meager cost (in NHL money) of 1 million is because of his post-deadline suckitude with the Buffalo Sabres. In sixty games with Columbus, Torres got 19 goals. That's very good. But, in 14 post-deadline games with Buffalo, he was unable to bump that number to an even twenty. That's very bad. But, if anything, it's an argument for trade deadline acquisitions needing more time to gel with their team, or perhaps that not every acquisition is a perfect fit. Torres simply didn't fit in Buffalo. He had a bad stretch, which he tends to have every now and then, but while he's known as a streaky scorer, his career stats indicate a noticeable level of consistency. He deserved better than this cheap, short contract, but his misfortune is our gain.

On top of this, Torres is built for the Western Conference, and perhaps more specifically the Northwest division. Canucks fans might remember him as Public Ginger Enemy #1, that redheaded Oilers forward who lit us up on a number of occasions. He never played better than at the Canucks, scoring timely/untimely goals and doing his trademark goal celebration (he pumps his fist, and shouts "F**kin' rights!"). Torres was so predictable against Vancouver that even my wife grew to hate him, his stupid red hair, his big hits, and that insufferable fist pump. It's hard to like him: he looks like such a douche.

What's bad about this signing? Not much. If we had gotten Torres for 2 million, there was a possibility that he could underwhelm and wind up overpaid and on the fourth line. (We call this the Steve Bernier conundrum). His time in Buffalo is definitely a little concerning, but if he's not scoring goals, he can still be a serviceable bottom-liner; he's better than Tanner Glass. Reports are conflicting about Torres's personality, too. I've heard that he's great in the room, but I've also observed that he's kind of a douche (he looks like such a douche), so that's a wash. Gillis tends to get good room guys, mind you. He's probably quite a jovial fellow. In truth, there isn't much downside anybody can find to this, other than that he isn't a better player (the gist of Canucks.com forum naysayers' arguments), but that's like being given an HBC gift card and complaining you can't use it at Sears. Suck it up, whiner--you'll get what you need out of it.

Torres will be a good player for Vancouver. He adds grit and veteran presence, playoff experience (he went to a final, remember?) and most importantly, top-nineness to a team that needed more of that. I have to think this spells the end of Bieksa's time in Vancouver, but, come on, we all knew that was coming anyway, Raffi or not. He'll be good with Manny Malhotra, and the overall size of the two of them makes it likely okay if a smaller guy is plugged in on that wing (or at center). With Burrows out to start the reason, we'll probably see two young kids filling out the top nine, which might not be ideal, but consider now that, in every case they'll likely be skating with two vets (The Sedins, Raymond & Kes, ManRaf). That's good for everybody.

From my extremely biased perspective, this is a good deal. In fact, Torres is a better player than Asham, who I've been skeptical about since he impressed as an energy guy with Philadelphia last year. Maybe I'm missing something, but I see low-risk, and potentially, high-reward. Nothing but good, except that I have to look at him, and he looks like... well, you get the idea... such a douche.

Skeeter? Qris? Anybody? Anything to add?