Daniel's Worst Christmas - An Original Holiday Tale

Daniel's Worst Christmas is a poetic retelling of the Canucks' 2009-10 season, in which an injury to Daniel Sedin led to a Hart trophy season for his twin brother, Henrik. But that wasn't the whole story...

In early October, when Santa is plotting

His route for the big Christmas nights

He looks to his wife, who is expert at spotting

Potentially huge oversights.

But last year, when Santa approached her to study

His game plan, he found she was sick.

With worriment said he, "I must find a buddy,

To stand in for Mrs. St. Nick!"

He looked in his workshop, but nobody in there

Was quite up to filling the gap.

He checked in the stable, but only saw reindeer.

Just antlers and caribou crap.

He looked on his good list, and there saw a brother,

The most loyal he'd ever seen.

A Swede who could play right-hand man like no other:

Canucks' winger, Daniel Sedin.

"Oh ho!" said he, "Daniel's a true second fiddle!"

He laughed a laugh heard North Pole-wide.

"His twin brother Henrik's the guy in the middle,

But Daniel just stays at his side!"

So down to Vancouver went Santa, with moxie.

Without Daniel, Christmas was sunk!

The first place he looked was the back of the Roxy.

He only found Patrick Kane, drunk.

Eventually, Santa found Daniel, inhaling

A huge cup of coffee, straight black.

He told Sedin how Mrs. Claus had been ailing,

And begged him to come with him back.

"I can't go," said Daniel, politely refusing,

"We'll lose if I'm not there to score.

But Santa shrugged, "Thirty-nine seasons of losing?

Canuck fans can lose a few more."

"Commissioner Bettman won't go for this, you'll see,"

Said Daniel, "His heart's black as coal.

If Bettman won't let us play hockey in Sochi,

He won't let me near the North Pole."

"I know Bettman well," Santa said, nearly stewing,

"He once was my most cloddish elf.

I fired him for bungling. But, looks like he's doing,

Incredibly well for himself."

"Forget him," said Santa, "Your presence is vital!

A world without Christmas is close!

The wave of dashed hopes and distress would be tidal,

Like when Lafayette hit the post."

"We'll tell all the fans that your foot's broken. Tragic,

But they'll understand. Whereupon,

I'll bless your twin brother with Santa Claus magic.

He'll play twice as good while you're gone!"

"Well, not too good," Daniel said, "Too good's forbidden."

He chuckled, then let out a scoff.

"He once got an all-star invite but I didn't.

It's petty, but that pissed me off."

"I don't want to see Henrik winning a trophy,

Or even worse, two! That'd be grim!

To save face, I might have to pay off Mike Brophy,

To say that I'm better than him. "

Thus, Daniel Sedin headed back to the fact'ry,

To tend to St. Nick's sudden need.

And Henrik Sedin started scoring, exactly

As Kris Kringle's blessing decreed.

And Santa, with Daniel on board, resumed making

His Christmas list, checking it twice.

He started by sorting the presents, and taking

Full stock of the naughty and nice.

"As usual, Pronger's been naughty," said Santa,

"His elbows and stomps make me cross.

Perhaps I could get him a trade to Atlanta,

Or better: a cup finals loss."

"And what should I get for the Calgary Sutters?

So long as they're running the thing,

Their team might appreciate fancy new putters

To help pass the time every spring."

"For Lou Lamoriello, a big piece of charcoal

Named Ilya. He'll be highly-sought.

His previous totals will sparkle and sparkle;

His play and his cap hit will not."

"To disciplinarian Campbell is given

A freshly-wiped e-mail inbox.

For Blackhawks fans, Vince Vaughn and Jeremy Piven.

The blogosphere, Damien Cox."

And thusly, did Daniel miss five weeks of hockey,

To sort the gifts, goodly and grim:

For frail Sami Salo, a lone stick of Pocky,

The one thing more fragile than him.

And when they were finished, said Santa Claus, grateful,

"You saved me! Saved Christmas, at that!

Hey, bring my good friend Kyle Wellwood this plateful

Of bagel bites. Man, is he fat."

And so Santa brought Sedin back to Vancouver

By sleigh, as he promised he would.

But there, they discovered his magic maneuver

Had made brother Henrik too good.

"He's scoring at will!" Daniel said, in a fury.

"He got a damn hat-trick last night!

I said make him Jeff Cowan, not Pavel Bure!

Mösspräst, Santa! Make it all right!"

"On Mason! On Backstrom! On Osgood & Howard!

He's scoring in ways unbeknown!"

But Santa was already gone (he's a coward),

And Daniel was left all alone.

The advent of Henrik alone was the story,

So Daniel tried coming on strong.

But Henrik, awash in that Santa Claus glory,

Just racked up points all season long.

The praises for Henrik were loud and ham-fisted,

And Daniel collateral dross.

It couldn't be stopped; no goal went unassisted.

He tragically won the Art Ross.

And worse yet, the Art Ross became a preamble

For Hart talk, among analysts.

To silence it, Daniel extorted Ken Campbell

To gripe about second assists.

But nothing can fight Christmas magic. Ovechkins

And Crosbies could never cut through,

(A lot like the Broncos could not stop the Redskins

In Super Bowl twenty and two.)

Though Henrik's last name was misspoken as "Sedden",

He won on that Las Vegas stage.

And down in the crowd, brother Daniel did redden,

Cheeks flush with competitive rage.

A season removed now from Henrik's ascendance,

Each instance that Daniel might score,

He thinks of last Christmas, then roofs it with vengeance,

And hates Santa Claus all the more.

More Canuck Poetry

I don't really have much in the way of excuses for these. I wrote some limericks and haiku for the Canucks. I was sort of inspired by the recent Luongo-Duthie collaboration, but really, some of these have been in the works for a while. The Canucks are a team that inspires poetry. Here's some for everyone.




Of NHL goalies you meet
Tommy says Bobby Lu's most complete.
It's because Luongo
Rhymes with Bingo-Bongo
It's a name that Brodeur just can't beat.

When Canucks get hit,
Recite haiku and drop gloves.
Poetic justice.

My dogs, though it may seem absurd
Are like the Canucks, I have heard.
Like my dogs in the yard
The Canucks battle hard
In their long struggle to #WinDaTurd

Just for Tanner Glass
I wrote this heartfelt haiku.


A much-maligned D-man of late
Plays top minutes and still performs great.
Still, few will defend
This beast of the back end
To trade him, Canucks fans can't wait.

If Gillis is God
How can Luongo be God?
This does not compute.

They left the team against their will
The new players are better, but still
We loved Kyle and Jan
And now that they're gone
There's a hole only Torres can fill.

We're winning a lot.
Too much, in fact... I've got it:
Let's trade Bieksa

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Blackhawks, December 3, 2010

Canucks 3 - 0 Blackhawks

What a relief. I was getting tired of hearing people say that the Blackhawks were in Luongo's head. Apparently, not only are they not, but we learned what is: beatnik poetry. Louie thinks he's Allen Ginsburg.

Yes, Roberto Luongo's poetry off the ice was about as bad as Vogon poetry (3rd worst in the universe), but his poetry on the ice was downright Keatsian. He made 32 saves for the shutout, including more than a handful of the genus spectacular. His padstack on Pat Kane was reminiscent of Kirk McLean, and his toe kick on Tomas Kopecky was as great a desperation save as we've ever seen him make. I'm a shortsighted guy and prone to superlative, so take this for what it's worth, but this was one of the best games Roberto Luongo has ever played. And I watched it:

• As far as I'm concerned, the intermission poetry gag actually played right into how the Canucks are beginning to approach the Blackhawks: lightly. Apart from the sleepy Voldemort game (which shall not be named), Vancouver has taken 3 of a possible 4 points in two games with the Blackhawks. Interestingly, neither game has been particularly filled with bad blood. I'll touch on this later in a guest post for Canucks Hockey Blog, but this year's Canucks seem to be playing lighter and with a lot less emotion. It's very zen. Is it the calming captaincy of robot Henrik (Robotrik)? Is is an organizational mandate from Gillis on down? I speculate that it's both. Either way, the Canucks have quietly beaten their two worst rivals in back-to-back games with calm and collected efforts. Luongo even asked mortal enemy Pat Kane if he was all right after a stick caught him in the face. That's like Wario offering Mario a fire flower. Kane seemed bemused, to put it mildly.
  
  
• Jeff Tambellini didn't net a goal last night, thereby ending his point streak, but he had a couple of incredible chances, and he led the team with 6 hits. 6 hits! I think he's earned a permanent spot in the lineup. He better have. The Canucks are now 9-0-1 when he plays, and their forward lines are considerably better.
  
  
• That includes the fourth line, responsible for last night's game winner (above). I've caught some flack for my insistence that Tanner Glass remains on the fourth line, but the truth is, as much as I don't like him on the third, I love him on the fourth. He's done some yeomanly work there considering his rotating cast, but now that he's been paired with Jannik Hansen and a center that isn't terrible, we're beginning see why the Canucks were so high on him. Speaking of yeomanly, I once played that word in a game of Scrabble. Huge points. Look out, Tanner. I'm coming for you.
  
  
• That kid from the tunnel who hit Luongo in the face (#headpokekid) is obviously good luck. Here's my proposal: Fly him to Vancouver, give him season's tickets, and let himsmear his grubby hands all over our starting goaltender before games. Apart from when Luongo comes down with weird kid sicknesses like chicken pox, head lice, mono, and whooping cough, we'll be unstoppable.
  
  
• In the faceoff circle, Manny Malhotra went 15-5 last night. You've likely heard this stat elsewhere last night, as faceoffs only ever seem to get talked about when Alternate Captain Mal has a good night. Also of note: of Malhotra's 20 draws, none were in the offensive zone, and 13 were defensive zone faceoffs. The rest of the team, collectively, took nine behind their blue line. Henrik had a rough night, only winning 5-of-15, but he took seven of the Canucks eleven offensive zone draws. There is an interesting, unwritten article about zone faceoffs, the Canucks uniquely multi-faceted faceoff trio, and Vigneault's personnel preferences. One day PITB will write it.
  
  
• The best defenseman on the ice last night: Christian Ehrhoff. I noticed him on every shift, and since he played 23:15, it was a whole lot of noticing. Ehrhoff played with a grit I've never seen and an intensity I've never seen. He even stood up for Luongo when Toews got in his crease. When has Christian Ehrhoff ever done that? On the offensive end, it was his excellent transitional work that led to the Henrik Sedin goal, and his seeing-eye wrist shot that buried the Blackhawks on the powerplay. Ehrhoff had been playing a bit spotty of late, and I was beginning to hear concerning murmurs about which Canuck defenseman was on the block. But, if Ehrhoff can play like he did last night on a regular basis, he'll be beyond invaluable.
  
  
• Keith "Hips" Ballard only played 12:45 last night, but he registered 6 blocked shots and 4 hits in that time, including one big hip check on Tomas Kopecky. Ballard appears to be finding his legs, which is more than I can say for Lady Helen Port-Huntley. In fact, the whole defense corps is rounding into form. It's about time.
  
  
• Speaking of blocked shots, the Canucks had 19 last night. Couple that with Luongo's 32 saves and you can see why the Blackhawks and their fans left frustrated. Add that to the 9 missed, and you've got 60 shots directed at the Canucks net and nothing to show for it.
  
  
• I loved Chris Cuthbert's call last night, especially when he was complaining about how many players on the Hawks had names that began with the letter B (Bolland, Boynton, Brouwer, Bickell). Cuthbert: "It's like they drafted alphabetically for four years."
  
  
• I talked yesterday about Ryan Kesler as the team's top powerplay skater. He is the catalyst for this powerplay goal, as he gets the winger win on the faceoff, and then gets to the net quickly for a perfect screen. While he doesn't get a point out of it, this one's all Kesler.
  
  
• And finally: can I gush over the many set plays the Sedins and Alex Burrows have? We all know about the one they do off the faceoff, but how about their lob pass for the breakout? We see this work for a scoring chance--usually a 2-on-1 or a breakaway--about once a game. Here it results in a goal when Patrick Sharp takes the shift off, and Henrik glides in alone to clean up Daniel Sedin's rebound.
  

I Find This Video Odd: Short Poems by Roberto Luongo

The following video is a TSN intermission feature that, for some incredible reason, actually happened. What the heck? More than likely, Luongo read Qris's limericks and was inspired. Or maybe my sonnet to Tanner Glass. It is a certainty that PITB is ushering in a new era of Canucks poetry.

I don't really have much to say about what you're seeing. There's simply no need to funny it up; it's already hilarious. My favorite turn of phrase: "ballet on blades, redheaded blaze." But, the best poem by far is the Ode to Dustin Byfuglien, quoted in its entirety below:

Human eclipse

Rhinoceros hips

Who will laugh last when I slash your calf?

Bring me peace, make it cease

Get your big ass out of my crease

Luongo has a great sense of humour and I love that he's able to riff on some of these subjects. The Byfuglien one and the shootouts one in particular are topics a grumpier Luongo--maybe even last season's Luongo--was not in the right frame of mind to laugh about. This was great to see. Watch it twice. This is classic stuff.

It was definitely gutsy for Luongo to agree to do this feature for this game, against the Blackhawks. You know that if the Canucks had lost, we would be questioning Louie's commitment to winning right now. That line of thinking is the pinnacle of idiocy, and thankfully the Canucks won and it's a moot point. Perhaps the injection of levity helped the Canucks play loose?

Anyway, hopefully this isn't the last interesection of the Canucks and the world of the poets. I still want to see Alex Burrows spit some some slam poetry like my man Saul Williams.