Fantasy Hockey Mondays: Week Two

Week two of the fantasy hockey season has passed, and Steven Stamkos continues to be awesome. He leads the league in points and goals and I am exceedingly happy that I ended up with him on all three of my fantasy hockey teams. This week he chipped in 4 goals and 5 assists in 4 games, but he also contributed a +3 rating, 6 penalty minutes, 17 shots, and 4 powerplay points. One of the leagues counts hits and blocked shots, and Stamkos even contributed there, with 4 hits and 3 blocked shots. The guy is a stud.

And, quite frankly, he's going to be a stud all season long, so I'm going to keep Stamkos talk to a minimum. It's not going to be Stamkos that wins me a fantasy hockey crown; he was a no-brainer pick. It's going to be all the fringe players and the unexpected success stories that determine things. This week, my big performer was Miikka Kiprusoff for the Emily Carr Echidnas, who posted two shutouts this week to lead the Echidnas to victory.

Pool One - Office Pool

Team: Aldergrove Awesome

Week Two Result: 5-7-1 Loss

Two straight losses in my office pool means I'm in for some sharp barbs at work. At least they were close losses, which means I can certainly recover and make my way up the top of the standings through the rest of the season. The Awesome currently have an 11-14-1 record.

My goaltending let me down this week. Ilya Bryzgalov and Jonas Hiller were reasonable, but Chris Mason was awful, posting a 4.68 GAA and an .892 SV%. With Ondrej Pavelec returning, he might lose the starting job...but not necessarily as the team in front of him hasn't been any good either. In any case, I lost all of the goaltending categories except shutouts as my opponent, The Helmut Twisters, didn't get any either.

Offensively, it was assists all the way, with Mike Comrie, Martin St. Louis, Sergei Gonchar, and Ed Jovanovski all posting 3 apiece. David Clarkson led the way in penalty minutes with 11 (making up for his complete lack of scoring), helping me win that category, with St. Louis posting 23 shots and Gonchar blocking 8, to win both those categories as well. The wildcard, shorthanded points, was won by Jovanovski's 1 shorthanded assist.

I decided to cut ties with Dan Carcillo, as he has done approximately nothing through the first couple weeks of the season. In his place I picked up Josh Bailey, who Canucks fans will remember from the 2008 NHL entry draft, as the Islanders took Bailey much higher than expected, allowing the Canucks to select Cody Hodgson. Bailey has become a decent two-way forward and has started off the season on a tear with 3 goals and 3 assists, before missing a couple games with a minor hip injury. I'm hopeful he can keep up his scoring.

Pool Two - Nucks Misconduct

Team: I Miss Kyle Wellwood

Week Two Result: 5-4-1 Win

With another win, I Miss Kyle Wellwood moves up to 7th overall out of 20 teams with a 10-6-4 record overall. As with the Aldergrove Awesome, goaltending was a weakpoint, as I lost each goaltending category. The culprit was once again Chris Mason as Dwayne Roloson was outstanding and Jonathan Bernier decent enough.

The only other category I lost was +/-, but I lost that by an absurd amount. Apparently, I Miss Kyle Wellwood is terrible defensively, posting a -14 altogether. That's because most of their production comes on the powerplay: my players racked up 12 powerplay points, with Tobias Enstrom and Marek Zidlicky providing the production from the blue line.

The worst player this week was Fedor Tyutin. I was scraping the bottom of the barrel when I selected him, but he was terrible this week, posting just one assist and a -4 rating. He's gone, replaced by rookie Matt Taormina, who's getting prime powerplay minutes in New Jersey. Also gone is Niclas Bergfors, the key piece in the Ilya Kovalchuk trade for the Thrashers; he's been a healthy scratch and hasn't done much when he's been in the lineup. In his place is Antti Miettinen, who has 6 points so far through 7 games.

Pool Three - Friends Pool

Team: Emily Carr Echidnas

Week Two Result: 8-2-0 Win

This week's massive win makes up for the 1-8-1 shellacking I received last week and bumps me up from 10th to 7th with a 9-10-1 record. Miikka Kiprusoff's excellent performance this week made up for Chris Mason's awfulness, with an assist from Antti Niemi, who was awful for my opponents, the Boston Dereks. The Echidnas ran away with the goaltending categories, including shutouts.

Goals were plentiful for the Echidnas, with Henrik Zetterberg, Patrick Marleau, Martin St. Louis, and Nathan Horton all putting up 2 goals. Assists were also easy to be had, led by Victor Hedman and Steven Stamkos with an impressive 5 each. The only weakness this week was +/-, with Marleau's brutal -5 dragging everyone else down.

I took some chances in free agency at the end of this week, cutting ties with Niclas Bergfors, Nikita Filatov, and Chris Mason. In their place, I added Tomas Kopecky, who has had a solid start on Chicago's top line and has LW/RW eligibility, James Neal, who has 8 points and an excellent +8 rating, and Brent Johnson, who has been great for Pittsburgh and may get more starts with Marc-André Fleury struggling. If not, there are other options out there and Kiprusoff and Bryzgalov are a fine tandem otherwise.

Your Eyes Deserve Better: The Fruit of our Daniel Sedin Photoshop Contest

It is entirely possible that you recognize the above image from just over a month ago. It's also possible that you've only been reading this blog since the season started, and this is the first time you've seen it. If the latter is the case, let me give you some context: I love photoshop contests. And, while PITB doesn't quite have the readership to host them, I've never been one to let reality get in the way of my delusions.

Our first photoshop contest, focused around an image we call HenKik, was a rousing failure (although it generated this incredible image by CDC member Egatti, which has no business not being your wallpaper). Our second photoshop contest focuses on the above image of Daniel Sedin getting laid out by Ryan Getzlaf. It looks funny to me but, more than that, it also looks like an opportunity for photoshops.

So I asked for photoshops. Incredibly, I got a few. Behold the fruit of our second photoshop contest.

This comes to us from Rachael, who was kind enough to create an image that perfectly segues from our last photoshop contest to this one. Of note: this was done on MS Paint. How can I tell? Because it looks terrible. Thanks, Rachael!


This image, from reader Jason, continues the Street Fighter theme, but also excellently inverts the action from the original photo. Rather than getting rocked, Daniel is asserting himself. He's taken Ryan Getzlaf down, and he appears to be Prongering his neck. I would imagine that's a finishing move. Also of note: this too is an MS Paint production.


This unfortunate image comes to us from CDC member Canuckletux, who made two big-time contributions to the contest. First, he cut the image out to save future photoshoppers time. (It's here, if you still want in on this party.) Second, he went straight to scatological humour, forcing everyone else to be much more creative. Double gratitude is yours, Canuckletux.


Here we have a typically stellar contribution from Egatti, the winner of the last contest. My favourite thing about this photo is that Daniel Sedin is right in the middle of a jump-skid, and that's reflected both in the top image and the area map below. Also: if Luigi doesn't watch it, he's about to enter a world of banana peel.


This image comes to us from user Rogue Nuck, who admits, "this is a terrible shot at it." Don't be so hard on yourself, Rogue Nuck. Now I've got nothing to say. Thank God there's photographic evidence, because Daniel is going to have a hard time explaining to the authorities how he was thrown over a castle balcony by a giant trophy with no appendages.


This one is from reader Harrison, who is exactly like me, in every way, except much better-looking. He actually made four entries. Check out the rest of his objectively perfect photoshopping below. Sidenote: remember Balloon Fight? It had awesome music.


Earlier I took a shot at Canuckletux for going with the "things coming out of Daniel's butt" joke. Part of that was propriety. The other part was pure hypocrisy.


Here is Daniel taming Black stallion. How did he do it? Well, instead of spurs, he's just got giant knives attached to his feet. That'll work.


And finally, in keeping with the spirit of the original photo, which looks a lot like Daniel's taking a punch, I added him to the cover of the best NES street fighting game not named Street Fighter, Urban Champion. And by best, I mean worst. This game was pure crap.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs. Wild, October 22, 2010

Canucks 5 - 1 Wild

After tonight's game, it might be hard to differentiate between the west coast sea breeze and the relieved sighs of Canuck nation. While a win tonight doesn't solve our problems, it certainly mitigates our concern. The Wild, like us, had played 3 games in their last four nights, but they were on the road tonight, and gosh darn it, we're better than they are. Had we lost tonight, especially considering what's gone on this week and how badly we craved a win, there might have been enough hand-wringing for a spike in sales of Glysomed. Thankfully, we won. Also thankfully, Pass it to Bulis watched. Hear us roar:

• Corey Schneider continues to play fabulously, propagating the largely shortsighted and reactionist "goaltending controversy." Not since Cheryl Blossom has a redhead so relentlessly challenged the status quo. Before we start demanding the team waive Luongo, let us remember that the Canucks have played much, much better in front of him than they have in Luongo's losses. The whole team was excellent tonight. Still, Schneider deserves much kudos, as he made it look easy tonight. Maybe it was. Minnesota sucks.

• Jeff "Shmalexandre Shmurrows" Tambellini looks to be the best fit, among healthy forwards, for the Sedins. Even before the breakaway goal, Tamby allowed the twins to play their game, retrieved pucks, used his speed to back defenders off, and read the play smartly. The line was visible all night. Tamby also made a pretty solid case for being on the shootout roster.

• Tamby's success up top also allowed Vigneault to roll some solid second and third lines, such as Jannik Hansen with Malhotra and Torres, a line that combined for the first, third and fourth goals. They were the best line on the ice tonight. Hansen and Malhotra were amazing like a double rainbow. I declare them the tandem that will give the third line it's identity for the rest of the season.

• Why not Torres? While he has excellent moments and definitely did in this game (in this game, a goal and a coupe nice hits), he often doesn't seem to know how to play with others, like Stampy. There were two odd-man rushes where he was so close to his linemate he neutralized any cross-ice pass, as well as spared the defenseman from having to take a man. Open up the ice, Raffi.

• Tambellini's success with the Sedins also allowed Vigneault to keep Kes, Ray, and Sammy, the rightful second line and producers of the second goal, intact. They're clearly still regaining their confidence, but they're beginning to be consistent. Want to see how stats are totally bogus? Prior to tonight, there was much ado about Ryan Kesler's lack of production. With tonight's goal, he has three points in his last four games. Please unpress your panic buttons.

• The fourth line looked excellent too, but primarily because Tanner Glass and Peter Schaefer skated on it exclusively.

• It's not all roses, though. While Mikael Samuelsson still shoots more often than Horatio Caine, too many are getting blocked or missing the net. He seems a little off. He needs to, uh, you know, fix that.

• I laughed out loud at Shorty and Garrett bickering over the tricky issue of mass nouns and the fewer vs. less debate. Turns out Shorty's a grammar nazi. Think he's a big enough loser to own (and, like me, cherish) a first pressing of Funk & Wagnalls Handbook of Synonyms, Antonyms, and Prepositions? We can only hope. For the curious: fewer is typically used for countable amounts, less for abstract amounts (i.e. fewer shots; less offense). Garrett was talking about games played, and thus should have used fewer.

• On the first powerplay of the game, Henrik Sedin took a slapshot, but he is such an innate passer that it turned into a crisp tape-to-tape pass to a Wild defender. Does he think he's Daniel? He wouldn't be the first guy to make that mistake. I know he scored 29 times last season, but Hank is not a shooter. I firmly believe he's going to reach 100 points this season without scoring a single goal.

• That said, he nearly had an awesome one on a 2-on-1 when he pulled off spin move on Greg Zanon and got in alone. It would have been absolutely perfect if Henrik had pulled it to the forehand after coming out of the spin. He had time. Not sure why Zanon was so completely bamboozled. All Henrik does is spin. He's like Cobb's totem.

• Hats off to the defense corps. They were great tonight, steady, dependable, smart. It's enough to forget Kevin Bieksa is amongst them. Seriously, though, Kevin Bieksa was really good tonight, apart from one ill-advised pinch which led to a two-on-one.

• Alex Edler has been good all season, and he was great tonight. Often times, he goes completely unnoticed, which is both an element of praise and a criticism. Edler has the ability to do more than he often does. Aaron Rome should be unnoticeable. Edler needs to do more things like this. He's the only D-man in the lineup who can make a pass like that.

• Great job by the penalty killers on the 5-on-3. The Dead Puck Era created more offense than Peter Schaefer does, but he really is excellent when you're a man down. He killed a ton of time on Minnesota's two man advantage, then drew a powerplay-ending penalty on Mikko Koivu later in the game. I just wish he'd use his knucklepuck more often.

• Anybody else see the two dudes jump-hugging on the Kesler goal? If there's one thing we at PITB are totally in favour of, it's public displays of dudehuggery. I think the preponderance of dudehuggery is secretly why men love hockey.

• The 2nd intermission had an excellent piece on one of PITB's all-time favourite Canucks, Cliff Ronning. My favourite moment was the last clip of the segment, which featured Ronning celebrating a goal in slow-motion by shouting "F***ing right!" Obviously, there was no sound, but there is no easier lipread in the English language. What a strange clip to use, but I shouldn't be surprised. Sportsnet makes some questionable choices with their intermission programming, such as putting Tony Gallagher in front of a camera.

• I'm going to assume Daniel Sedin is going to be given a belated assist on the Tambellini goal. He should, and I hope he does, primarily so his season-long point streak continues. Not since Frank the Tank has there been streaking of this magnitude.

• I would like to ban Mason Raymond from carrying the puck over the blue line on powerplays. He tries to go end to end, but usually loses the puck because he should have passed it off. Even at even-strength, Raymond needs to realize there are other passing options besides the defensemen. He seems to forget he has linemates--it's a hoedown of one. Only Colin Mochrie can thrive in such circumstances.

• This is PITB's 200th post, and we're feeling pretty good about it. We work hard on this stuff, and we'd like to thank everybody that's recognized and supported our efforts. You guys are awesome.

Weird Sports, Vol 3: Bog Snorkelling

Pictured: a fool, awash in foolishness.

Weird Sports is a semiregular feature I write for the Rec Services blog at Trinity Western University as a favour to a good friend of mine. It will appear on PITB on Thursdays. Yesterday was Thursday--it's late. Whatever. You're not my dad. Let us take a break from our Canuckness and appreciate that Canadians are a hockey-loving people, and not the sort that love dumb sports like this one.

Have you ever been snorkelling? It’s wonderful. I highly recommend snorkelling along the Hawaiian cost, where the water is warmed by the hot, Pacific sun, and a rainbow of marine life swirls in and out of the reefs just beneath you. In Hawaii, the water is crystal clear, and the sights are equal parts sublime and beautiful. The experience is legendary. I’ve done it twice, and I can assure you of one thing: while I was there, snorkelling, surveying all that God has made and placed underwater, I never once thought, Man, I want to do this in a peat bog.

Unfortunately, others have. Bog snorkelling is an event that takes place primarily in the dense Waen Rhydd peat bog of Llanwrtyd Wells at the World Bog Snorkelling Championship. It’s sporting event that consists of competitors completing two consecutive lengths of a 60-yard (55 m) water-filled trench cut through this bog in the shortest time possible. Competitors must wear snorkels and flippers and complete the course without using conventional swimming techniques for some reason, relying on flipper power alone. Let us, at this moment, realize that kicking one’s feet is a conventional swimming technique, and this sport is so stupid even its most basic rules contradict themselves. From Wikipedia:

The World Bog Snorkeling Championship, first held in 1985, [...] now attracts more than 200 entrants each year and is currently sponsored by Fun Swim Shop. [...] Dan Morgan of Brecon is the new world record holder with the time 1 minute 30.66 seconds, having shattered the previous record set by Joanne Pitchforth. Dan Morgan is the current men’s champion, Dineka Maguire is the current women’s champion, and John Hilliard the current champion junior bog snorkeller.

That’s right, junior bog snorkeller. They’ve already gotten to our kids. We fought the bog, and the bog won.

Before I go any further, I need to draw your attention to an international conspiracy I may be the first person to have noticed. Do you recognize the name Llanwrtyd Wells? You should, as it’s also the site of the Man Versus Horse Marathon, the first entry in the Weird Sports series. In fact, you might also be interested in knowing that the sport of Bog Snorkelling was invented by wealthy land/pub owner Gordon Green, who also devised and organized the original Man/Horse challenge. In both cases, the sport began as a conversation among the drunks in his pub, and was immediately turned into a paean to human stupidity by Gordon. Thinking about it, he may be perhaps the most internationally successful community organizer since Barack Obama. And he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia entry.

Want to know what else is interesting about Llanwrtyd Wells? This:

Llanwrtyd Wells was once a spa town following the discovery of waters with amazing healing properties in 1732, by the Rev. Theophilus Evans. The wells were referred to as “Ffynnon Ddrewllyd” or Stinking Well because of the smell of hydrogen sulphide gas that was given off when you breathed the vapours. Spa fashion reached its peak in the Victorian era and many of the hotels in Llanwrtyd Wells date back to these times. The Belle Vue Hotel was built in 1843 and is the only purpose built hotel in Llanwrtyd Wells.

That’s right. Llanwrtyd Wells, the smallest town in Britain at 601 people and known primarily for a dense peat bog that reeks of sulfur, was once a spa town. This place is the home of the greatest con of all time, and it persists to this day. These people have been coming up with innovative ways to promote and make money from this awful bog for over 200 years. First, the spa scheme (as bogus a scheme as I’ve ever heard), then the craze of bog snorkelling. It’s a town of flimflam salespeople stimulating tourism with bogus reasons to visit a bog, and Gordon Green is their king. How else do you operate a pub in a town of 600 people?

How do I know for sure that this is a crazy scam? The other events that take place in this bog. There’s The World Mountain Bike Bog Snorkelling Championships, in which bog-snorkellers race along the floor of the bog on bicycles with lead in the tires, weighed down by backpacks also filled with lead. If extreme cycling isn’t extreme enough, try adding the threat of drowning, which is ever-present:

Participants sometimes panic in the murky depths—in 2000, one woman had to be rescued twice before eventually winning the female title—but thanks to vigilant, wetsuited medics, all the entrants in the race’s eight-year history have made it out alive.

Wicked. There’s also the BMX Bog Triathlon, which combines all the dumb sports Llanwrtyd Wells is known for into one extremely dumb sport. In this one, contestants have to run seven and a half miles, snorkel two lengths of the stupid bog, and then cycle to the finish line.

Part of me wishes I lived near this bog, because I could come up with all sorts of sweet, bog-related athletics. Basketbog, wherein competitors play basketball in the bog; Red Bog Rover, where two teams play red rover on the shores of the bog, but you have to swim the length of the bog for no reason when you’re called over; Blogging, which has nothing to do with online journalling and everything to do with eating a bogwater-logged log while in the bog; and The Bog Chug, where competitors drink bog water until they suffer acute organ failure.

What say we rent a single engine plane and fly to Llanwrtyd Wells right now?

Armchair Cynic: How to Fix the Canucks Woes from the Safety of Home

The Vancouver Canucks have gotten off to a listless start, kicking off the 2010-11 season with a lackluster 2-3-2 record. Vancouver fans who like to be on top of such things as early as possible, look at the standings and notice that the Calgary Flames have the same number of points as the Canucks in two fewer games. All is not lost, however. As desperate as things seem, there's still a way for the Canucks to save their season and make the playoffs.

They need to hire me as their new general manager and coach.

As a fan who has never played the game at a competitive level, I know I can do a much better job at managing and coaching the Canucks than Alain Vigneault and Mike Gillis. Accordingly, I have prepared this list of solutions for what ails the Canucks. These bona fide solid-gold suggestions are provided free-of-charge. If the Canucks want more of my expertise, I'll need to see a contract.

• Move to a goaltending tandem inspired by Mighty Ducks 2: Luongo for regulation and overtime, Schneider for the shootout.

• Speaking of Mighty Ducks, begin scouting figure skaters for potential transfer over to professional hockey. Even female figure skaters. Especially female figure skaters.

• To inspire the slumping forward, pointedly use the word "silver" as often as possible around Ryan Kesler: bring up silverback gorillas for no reason, ask him to pass the silverware at team lunches, buy him a sterling silver necklace, and finally, get a tiny piece of wood stuck in your finger, ask Kesler for help removing it with tweezers, and repeatedly mis-pronounce the word "sliver."

• Temporarily sign enigmatic moustachioed free agent, Shmalexandre Shmurrows, to play with the Sedins for 3 games before sending him down to the minors, wherein he will mysteriously disappear and face punishment for failing to report to the Moose.

• Post a list on a bulletin board titled, "Other Teams Mikael Samuelsson Wasn't Picked For" including The Team 1040, Team Rocket, Team Edward, and #TeamRypien.

• Upon realizing that Kyle "They Don't Much Care for Ayn Rand in Russia" Wellwood has as many goals in 5 games in the KHL as Mason Raymond has in 7 games in the NHL, re-sign him to be the fifth-line centre.

• Memorize Herb Brooks famous speech from "Miracle" and recite it before every single game...in an imitation of Joshua Sacco's voice. Scwew 'em!

• Force the Team 1040 to fire Dave Tomlinson and hire university students to do color commentary.

• Since Andrew Alberts has shown such soft hands around the net, put him on the first-unit powerplay with the Sedins and plant him directly in front of the goalie.

• Slap Raffi Torres. Just slap him repeatedly.

• Make another trade with Florida.

In all seriousness, though, if I see Peter Schaefer start on the second line again, I will straight-up murder a beanie baby.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Blackhawks, October 20, 2010

Canucks 1 - 2 Blackhawks (Shootout)

I really hate the shootout. That said, I don't hate it for the reasons you think. The reason I hate the shootout is that it completely negates the facts of the game, and instead turns tomorrow's headline into a matter of wins and losses. The Canucks played well enough to win tonight and lost in the post-game coin toss. All the talk will be about their winless road record and their losing skid, but this one really shouldn't count. They deserved the two points. Unfortunately, they only got one point. It was hard-earned as all Hell, but it's one point shy of satisfying the fan's need for blood.

• Unlike the fans, who were out for blood they did not fully get, Daniel Sedin continues to reap the rewards of liquid envy. His goal tonight ties him for the league lead with Marian Hossa, and extends his 82-goal pace. Can he keep this up? No. Certainly not. But, bringing in the numbers from last season, we can see that Daniel has scored 17 goals in his last 17 regular season games. So maybe he can keep this up.
• Speaking of blood, was it just me, or was this game oddly devoid of bad blood? It was a very fluid and very clean game. It was lovely to watch, but didn't satisfy my bloodlust, like ice dancing.
• Still on blood: as much as I hate him, Jonathan Toews is a pretty tough nut. He took a puck right in the teeth, then casually skated to the bench like he needed to reapply his deodorant. There we saw he was bleeding profusely from the mouth. No big deal. He just broke his face. Whatever.
• I really wish Dan Hamhuis had played tonight, as the Kevin Bieksa-Ryan Parent pairing is more terrifying than the hallways of the Overlook Hotel (warning: clip terrifying). While they were both much better than last night, they got caught behind the play more times than they should have. Both of them gave Marian Hossa a breakaway tonight. That can't happen.
• More on Bieksa: It's gotten to a point with defensive breakdowns where I immediately check to see if it was him, and too often, it is. Tonight I officially decided I just don't like him. Every good thing he brings is offset by something detrimental. Skeeter is much more reasonable about these things than I am, so expect us to argue all season about it.
• One thing I do love about Kevin Bieksa is his gloved push-punch. He does it all the time. He and Tomas Kopecky were taking whacks at each other at every stoppage, and I saw Juice pull off a couple of cool, little jabs. Not cool, though, was an instance during the first period when Kopecky faked a slash to Bieksa's head. That's unsportsmanlike.
• Also unsportsmanlike: businesswomen.
• In tight checking games like this, it's impossible to miss what Manny Malhotra brings to this team. His stick-checking was impeccable. His faceoffs were glorious, as usual, as he was 14-for-20 in the circle. He led the Canucks to a perfect penalty kill, too. There was one instance when he came out of the defensive zone with the puck, and rather than icing it, he skated gingerly, through the neutral zone, backing the defense off before taking a slapshot on Turco. It killed ten to fifteen seconds that simply icing the puck would not have.
• Aaron Rome has increased his invisibility, which is to say he played a good game tonight. I'd prefer if he played less, but probably so would the Canucks medical staff.
• We forgot to mention this last game, but is Raffi Torres capable of making a simple pass? Every time he passes the puck, it's some complicated abortion of a pass that very rarely makes it to its intended target. There was one instance tonight where he could have chipped the puck off the glass, but instead, he feathered it across the ice in the defensive zone. The margin for error there is not unlike the distance between the earth and sun. One degree in either direction and everybody's dead. He does this far too often.
• It appears Alain Vigneault reads Pass it to Bulis, as the second line was finally reunited, just like we told him to. Sadly, the Raymond-Kesler-Samuelsson line didn't keep, primarily because Jannik Hansen played so badly on the top line Samuelsson had to be returned to it. However, when they were together they were good, creating chances and space. They had 11 shots between them.
• Though he led the team in shots tonight with five, Samuelsson suddenly appears hesitant to shoot. I never thought I'd say this, but he's holding on to the puck for too long.
• I found it interesting that the Canuck players had no idea they'd been selected for the shootout. It's a weird way to go about it, but it almost worked. I think it's safe to say that Daniel Sedin has earned his way onto the shootout shortlist with the sick move he pulled off on Turco.
• Roberto Luongo was fantastic tonight. He made several key saves, including a few breakaways. Unfortunately, he couldn't squeeze the puck in the shootout, and two trickled in after everybody thought he'd made the save. I haven't felt such intense excitement followed by shame since this dance I went to in the eighth grade.
• Know who wasn't nearly as good tonight? Cory Schneider. He didn't stop a single shot.
• Before you snicker at the shortsighted line of thinking above, consider that it's the same way this "goaltending controversy" started in the first place: opinions based on one game. Now that Luongo has played a good game, I imagine we'll put the controversy talk to bed. At least until the next time Schneider does his job as the backup and wins the game he's given.

Rypien Story Goes From Ridiculous to Ridiculously Ridiculous

Not since Abe Lincoln has someone been vilified so quickly.

The media buffet on this Rick Rypien incident only opened last night, but I'm already full. It's been wall to wall Rypper today, as everyone wants to weigh in on the abomination he committed last night. The good news is that the incident has overshadowed the abomination the Canucks committed last night. The bad news? Rick Rypien just passed Killer Moth on the list of the worst villains ever, and he's closing in on Calendar Man. Rick Rypien would like you to believe he's not a baby eater. But he's never gone on record saying he isn't. Maybe it's because he's too busy eating babies. Yes, his public crucifixion is getting a little ridiculous, especially when you consider that he merely grabbed the fan. He didn't hit him; he didn't bite him; he didn't poke him in the eye.

He just grabbed him. For about three seconds. And yet the fan is threatening to sue.

Rypien deserves to be suspended. You can't do what he did--it was stupid, and he deserves to sit out a few games. But when he touched that fan (James Engquist), it was dumb on dumb. This fan is a stupid guy.

I didn't want to weigh in on this. I feel like we covered all there is to this last night in the IWTG. But, like Rypien, I've been provoked by James Engquist who, in his interview with Michael Russo (quoted below) gave himself away as a certified gomer. Here is James describing what instigated the incident:

"I was just standing straight up applauding as he was getting kicked out. He was out of control. And then I said, 'Way to be professional,' and he obviously didn’t care for that comment [...]

Few would care for that comment, you pinhead. James. Rypien is a man who makes a living punching people in the face. He was, in your own words "out of control" with anger, and you decided to stand up, applaud, and make a snide comment? A comment about professionalism to an enraged fighter. Sounds to me like you deserved to see his profession first-hand. A better option would have been to not infuriate an already irate pugilist. The first guy I punch when I'm being kicked out of somewhere is the guy who makes a snide comment once I'm no longer restrained. Here is James describing the fear he felt:

[He] decided to grab me and almost dragged me over the rail. If my brother wasn’t grabbing me and the other player wasn't grabbing him, he probably would have dragged me over the edge."

Man, that is a whole lot of grabbing going on in this story. That must have been terrifying for you, James. Had he succeeded in dragging you over the edge, as you claim (despite the video showing you were never even close) you would have been dragged over the edge. I don't know what happens next, but I'll bet it involves you being briefly on the other side of the edge.

"This is a crazy incident. I’ve seen a lot of hockey in my day, and I’ve never seen someone actually come into the stands and assault a fan," said Engquist.

Really? You've seen a lot of hockey and you've never seen this? Because that's what you're describing, and it's not what happened to you. Rypien didn't come into the stands and he didn't assault you. He grabbed you. Apart from increasing the value of your hockey jersey in online auctions, he accomplished very little when he touched you for three seconds.

Engquist said he is "definitely seeking legal representation. ... I was assaulted, that's just the bottom line."

No you weren't. You were touched. I've seen children grab the hem of their mother's housedress harder. Sadly, I'm sure there's a waaahmbulance-chaser out there, willing to slap a neck brace on you and claim Rypien dislocated your spine, but you should know that you just went from folk hero to total loser in one sentence.

Assault? Please. You were hit harder by the fans you high-fived on your way to better seats. You're fine, James. Let it go, like Rypien did, three seconds after he grabbed you.

And if this does go to court, let the record show that you lied about having seen a lot of hockey, since you've never seen the Milbury/O'Reilly incident. What else are you lying about, James? Better keep your stories straight....