Quotes Taken Out of Context: Halloween Edition

Braydon Coburn licks his lips in hunger.

"It's time to start munching down on the real flesh."

-Braydon Coburn, October 29, 2010

Helping out the CBC: Top 10 NHL vs. TV Moments

I happened upon this fantastic list of NHL vs. TV moments on the CBC website via the wonderful Houses of the Hockey blog from the Score. The title of the list is somewhat inaccurate, seeing as it also contains an NHL vs. film moment in Cam Neely's cameo in "Dumb and Dumber," but since that exception is Cam Neely's cameo in "Dumb and Dumber," I am full of forgiveness.

What I can't forgive is a list about TV on the internet that features no videos. House of the Hockey already pointed out this egregious error and being the gregarious sort that I am, I decided to help out the CBC by doing the legwork they didn't do and tracking down a video for each of their top 10. My success rate is poor.

10. Stanley Cup vs. Guiding Light

What in the world? This is quite possibly the oddest thing I have ever seen.

9. Scotiabank Place vs. 30 Rock

Only the second entry on the list and my search has already come up dry. NBC cares a lot about their controlling their copyrighted material, what can I say? Here's a picture of the nifty moment when Danny sings his Juno-nominated psych-up song for the Ottawa Senators. Just imagine it in your minds and I'm sure it will be hilarious.

8. L.A. Kings vs. Price is Right

Pretty funny. Too bad it's the Drew Carey edition of the Price is Right. The Kings showed up again in the Showcase Showdown.

7. Don Cherry vs. Rick Mercer

Does this even count? This seems almost like nepotism: the CBC website highlighting an appearance of a CBC television personality on a CBC television show. Pretty sketchy, CBC.

6. Vancouver Canucks vs. How I Met Your Mother

Sadly, embedding of this hilarious clip of Robin reenacting the '94 Canucks run to the Stanley Cup Finals has been disabled. On a positive note, clicking on links is really, really easy. And this video of the awesome Mason Raymond namedrop is totally embeddable:

5. New York Rangers vs. David Letterman (vs. Madonna)

Apparently Marc Staal thinks Gordie Howe has a nice looking butt. This won't be the first time Gordie Howe's good looks will show up in this list. What do you know, it's the very next item.

4. Gordie Howe vs. The Simpsons

It is incredibly easy to find episodes of The Simpsons online for free. Finding them legally is another issue altogether. We here at PitB won't espouse the use of illegal methods of viewing television episodes that circumvent copyright laws both because we like to keep a squeaky-clean image and we trust that you can use Google. In lieu of linking to one of the many, many websites that provide Simpsons episodes for free online, here's an odd backwards and Spanish version of the episode "Bart the Lover" from YouTube. Gordie Howe pops up at 13:21 and again in part two. Biggest oddity: everyone is suddenly left-handed.

3. Toronto Maple Leafs vs. Conan O'Brien

Number One on this Sportscentre Top 10 list. Since NBC are a bunch of knobs, they consistently remove their content from YouTube. Conan's bit starts at 3:54.

2. Wayne Gretzky vs. Mike Myers

Number 7 on the same Sportscentre Top 10 list as above. Same complaint about NBC as above as well. Gretzky's appearance on Wayne's World comes at 1:50. Bonus appearance by Wayne on SNL at 3:26 of the same video.

1. Cam Neely vs. Dumb and Dumber

Kick his ass, Sea Bass!

Weird Sports, Vol 4: Shin Kicking

Pictured above: dumb people exercising their dumbness. Shin kicking is dumb.

Weird Sports is a semiregular feature I write for the Rec Services blog at Trinity Western University as a favour to a good friend of mine. It will appear on PITB on Thursdays (ish). Let us take a break from our Canuckness and appreciate that Canadians are a hockey-loving people, and not the sort that love dumb sports like this one.

In case I haven’t been clear as to how these weird sports are undeniable evidence that humanity is riding a bullet train straight into a river of pure, liquid stupidity, consider the unique sport of shin kicking. Yes, shin kicking is a very real organized sport in which two opponents square off, grasp shoulders, and then violently kick, or “clog” each other’s shins. I’m not kidding you. That’s all this is.

How do you win a shin kicking match? It’s quite simple. You kick an opponent so hard in the shins that he becomes unable to stand. Then you push him over. Now I’m no pacifist, and I enjoy a good fight (preferably of the hockey variety) as much as the next bloodthirsty psycho, but shin kicking seems, to me, to be unpleasant for all involved parties. Have you ever so much as hit your shin on a coffee table? It is the worst thing in the world. There is no greater pain, save perhaps when a cat bites the flap of skin between the thumb and the forefinger. My innate protectiveness of the shins is a large part of why I don’t play soccer (also a weird sport). Apparently, you’re allowed to wear thick socks–even stuff them with straw–if you’re a tad apprehensive about the idea of having your shins bashed in by someone’s shoe. Not that this helps–contestants are jerks, so they wear heavy boots, though you’ll be pleased to know that steel-toed boots were banned in the 1950s (before which time broken legs were commonplace).

But here’s the incredible thing: shin kicking was invented in 1636, which means it took a very long time for somebody to suggest that steel-toed boots took the fun out of it. Since steel-toed boots were invented around 1899, that means half a century went by before somebody went, “People probably don’t like it when somebody kicks them in the shins with a steel-toed boot FOR SPORT.” I personally feel this realization was unnecessarily delayed.

Yes, shin-kicking, or “Hacking”, as it is often called by those in the know, was invented in the 1630s in England. For some reason, it was often done in the nude. Tales of “hobnailed” or “clogged” competitors gushing blood were commonplace, and the sport was popular among the working class. Unsurprisingly, it was not popular among Puritans, the lovable, America-founding stick-in-the-muds who, as we all know, were against all pointless frivolity (except for witch-hunting).

In this case, they probably had a point. I think we can all agree that the good lord did not design our shins to be “clogged.”

One thing I often wonder about is how somebody trains for a weird sport like this. When it comes to shin kicking, it’s actually quite simple: contestants harden their shins by hitting them with coal hammers. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What possesses a man to sit down in his spare time and hit his shins with a coal hammer? Why, the love of sport, and unfortunately, a lot of people love shin kicking. How many? Too many. More than enough to host a World Shin Kicking Championships, a popular annual event in Gloucester, in the southwest region of England. I imagine that's a gathering of unfiltered stupidity not unlike the locker room of a certain Alberta-based hockey team. Just sayin'.

Has anybody ever been to a shin kicking competition? Is it even half as stupid as it sounds? Because, to me, it sounds twice as stupid as it sounds. Let me know in the comments.

The Atlanta Thrashers and Black Players: A Follow-Up

This photo is here because its colours incidentally match our header--not because Johnny Oduya is in it.

A month ago, I wrote an article discussing the Atlanta Thrashers' acquisition of black players over the past year and a half. I argued that, not only had they built a roster with the largest percentage of black players in the NHL, but they had done so intentionally, with marketing in mind. Needless to say, it was a contentious thesis, and I got some heat.

I expected heat. Race is a topic that makes people oversensitive, accusatory, defensive, unreasonable, and blind, among other adjectives. Many people don't engage it near enough to talk about it reasonably. For example: people don't understand that perfect equality is a little harder to accomplish when one group is trying to claw its way up from years of oppression and the other is reluctantly ceding ground when it wants to. People don't realize that active, blatant racism--segregation, racial epithets, full-on hatred--is still very much alive in some parts of North America, because they don't live there. Some people don't even understand how the racial lines are drawn. Commenters told me the Thrashers' black players aren't even black--they're half-black. "Unfortunately, they have white moms," one said. Please. Good luck telling that to the doorman at a segregated nightclub. I'm only half-black. Why can't I go halfway in?

Furthermore, far too many conversations about race end with one person being labeled a racist. People are so afraid of this dangerous accusation that they avoid the subject altogether. Previous attempts to point out the Thrashers' strategy fizzled in silly accusations of racism simply for noticing, because that's unfortunately how racism works now. Color blindness is the recommended policy, and while it's not a good one (ignorance is never the cure), those who don't adhere to it are often run out of town for seemingly adhering to its presumed opposite: super duper racism to the max. It's a false dichotomy. Is it really so difficult to notice, and then not hate?

Apparently, yes. As such, race is a thorny issue. The Thrashers' story is fascinating and engaging, but it's difficult to discuss without using conversation-ending buzzwords like "exploit," as Thrashers GM Rick Dudley did in denying everything. I felt that mainstream writers and hockey people would have a hard time even broaching the subject unless they were responding to somebody that had already made the necessary explicit claims. Then you're just reacting, not noticing. If it sounds stupid, that's because it is. But consider the title of Jeff Klein's article: Thrashers Don't See Race, Just Opportunity. How did they see opportunity if they didn't see race? The line the race conversation forces people to toe is not only ridiculous, it's outside the realm of common sense.

Sidenote: Klein called us "the blogosphere," but don't feel bad we didn't get named. Feel bad for the other bloggers who thought they were part of the blogosphere. Sorry, guys, it's only us now.

This is the way the Thrashers have to play it. I never claimed that they were getting black players without considering their talent or their fit in the lineup. That would be "ludicrous," another word Dudley used. But, if a player happens to be black, and they just happened to acquire him, and this just happens to happen more frequently than at any other time in the history of the NHL in one of the blackest cities in America and the soulless marketing department just happens to notice, well, that's just happenstance. No racism here. Just a happy coincidence. Right? The nature and prevalence of the colour blindness argument forces the Thrashers to feign ignorance at the same time they're so conveniently savvy to start advertising on urban radio stations and magazines. Are you going to tell me the Thrashers just found out about their Atlantan African-American media? No, they knew about it beforehand, and they also knew they didn't have the personnel to utilize that stream of marketing. Incidentally, they acquired 20% of the black players in the NHL.

I don't mind Dudley's refutation. More than anything, it's unfortunate that what he said was what he had to say. I got heat and I'm nobody. Imagine the heat he'd get. The Thrashers would be finished if somebody inside their camp were to admit that, as seems apparent to me, this plan was hatched shortly after they realized they were going to draft Evander Kane. Their social awareness would be misconstrued as racial "exploitation" at a time when colour blindness is policy, and suddenly, they'd be alienated by the very community they're trying so hard to reach. Rick Dudley did the right thing in denying everything.

But forgive me if I think he just winked.


Other notes: you should really be following us on Twitter; and thanks to Puck Daddy for actually naming us in his piece on the subject.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs. Avalanche, October 26, 2010

Canucks 4 - 3 Avalanche (OT)

Last night's edition of the Canucks got outworked by the Avalanche, outshot by the Avalanche, and outchanced by the Avalanche. Fortunately, they did not get outscored by the Avalanche, so all other statistical victories are secondary. Yes, the Canucks may not have been the best team on the ice last night, but tell that to the box score. For those who say the Canucks didn't deserve to win, may I remind you that Colorado's goal against average is the highest in the NHL? They gave up four tonight. They didn't deserve to win either. Tonight's game was a competition of who deserved it the least, and the Avalanche, by winning, lost.

Also winners tonight: PITB and our small community of committed readers, as our liveblog--I Am Watching This Game --went off without a hitch, save perhaps the dishonesty of the title. It is very difficult, you see, to simultaneously watch hockey and blog about it. But, whatever. It was fun. There was much humour, Qris showed up, Mason Raynmond was there somehow, and regular readers and commenters popped in to say what's up. We did it, and we'll probably do it again next month. Indeed, we watched this game, albeit perhaps not as intently as we usually do. Here are some things that stood out to us:

• The story of the night was Roberto Luongo, who made a litany of amazing saves to keep the game in the winnable column for the Canucks. People are semi-ironically throwing around the phrase "goaltending controversy", as though the added pressure of such is what made Luongo play better, but he gave no indication whatsoever that he felt besieged by said pressure. Before the game, he joked, "We decided to give Schneids the night off tonight, so I got the tap on the shoulder and I'm ready to go." After the game, he joked, "I was disappointed. I was getting jacked up for the shootout, so, I'm a little disappointed we won in overtime." And during the game, he performed a side-splittingly filthy rendition of the classic Aristocrats joke, but the play was at the other end of the ice, so nobody noticed.
  
  
• But seriously, though, folks, Luongo was great tonight. 39 saves. Some of the whaaaaaaat variety. The biggest problem is that we expect him to play like this every night. Not only can nobody sustain that, but nobody should have to. The Canucks need to be better in front of him. Schneider hasn't had to work this hard for a win yet.
  
  
• Jeff Tambellini with the Sedins continues to go way beyond simply a viable option. For the second game in a row, they generated a goal, this one the result of some wizardous sedinerie. Tambellini has been excellent with them. It's incredible to me that both Sedins touched that puck, considering it went from Paul Stastny's stick to the back of the net in about one second. But such is the nature of their wizardry; they are truly wizards. Also: the less said about the blatant, missed hooking penalty that led to this goal, the better. In fact, the Sedins are all about hooking. They hook a lot. They are Captain and Assistant Captain Hook, as far as I'm concerned.
  
  
• The Canucks' big three faceoff guys continue to finish above 50% in the circle. Malhotra, Kesler, and Henrik were 61%, 53%, and 57%, respectively. Among Avalanche pivots, only Paul Stastny was above 50% in the circle.
  
  
• I'm interested in this stat: Henrik Sedin was 4-4 in the offensive zone, but only 1-4 in the defensive zone. The Sedins were both -2 on the night. I know I might get lambasted for saying this, but this isn't the first game where they've gotten on the scoresheet and finished in the minuses. Coach needs to address this before it becomes a real issue. I recognize they're a reigning scoring champion and the brother of a reigning scoring champion, but Vigneault might need to remind them they can't skimp on the defensive side of the game.
  
  
• Peter Schaefer has played poorly 5-on-5 over the season; everybody knows it. We've been ragging on him since the season began. Alain Vigneault, an avid reader of PITB according to cherry-picked evidence, is starting to think similarly. Inititally he [wrongly] trusted Schaefer as a second line option, but Schaef's been bumped down to the fourth. Tonight, he only got on the ice for 13 seconds in the third period, coming on for Manny Malhotra during an on-the-fly change in which the Canucks had the Avalanche hemmed in their zone. Schaefer made the most of that time, however, scoring on a beautiful wrist shot.
  
  
• Schaefer's doofy little fist pump after the goal was far less beautiful. What the heck was that? He looks like he just got the right answer on Bible Jeopardy.
• While we're talking about the fourth line, it's worth noting that Schaefer, Glass, and Desbiens had 49 seconds of ice-time in the third period. This is unacceptable. Clearly, Vigneault doesn't trust them, and it's much, much too early in the campaign for the Canucks to be a three line team. If these guys can't get the job done, Gillis needs to find players who can. Shoring up the fourth line was an offseason priority, and it hasn't happened at all. Granted, when Burrows returns, one of these three guys will lose a roster spot, and hopefully Bolduc comes back, bumping another one out, but still. It's October. We need to be able to roll four lines.
  
  
• Mason Raymond's game-winning goal (above), on a harmless poke, was the hockey equivalent of a Wet Willy. But it's a testament to his skills at taking the puck away, is it not? We mentioned it yesterday in the Big Numbers thread, and the game-winner was more evidence of it.
  
  
• Ryan Kesler looks downright determined out there, doesn't he? He scored a goal while fighting at the front of the net, but there was one power play where he took the puck to the net, then just started whacking away at it like a noob. Homer Simpson whacks with more grace.
  
  
• Nothing but good things to say about Orland Kurtenbach's induction into the ring of honour. It's a gorgeous piece of visual art, it was a beautiful ceremony. Much praise to the people planning these things this year. They've been a real treat for two reasons: 1) They look great and 2) they don't go on too long.
  
  
• Christian Ehrhoff may have been tonight's goat. He seemed to be on the ice for every goal, for and against. Some of that has to do with the fact the Canucks really only have four defenseman (Rome and Parent play sparingly, which is fair), but much has to do with the fact that Ehrhoff just wasn't sound tonight. He and Edler aren't the best pair, either. There simply isn't enough defensive reliability on the pairing to make up for their offensive instincts. Typically, they both play with a stay-at-home guy, and, like most new, modern couples, they need to have a long, frank discussion about which one of them will stay at home.
  
  
• As a result of the growing pains of the above pair, it pains to me to say that the Bieksa-Alberts pairing was tops tonight. They were physical and smart, and finished the night +1 and even, respectively. Alberts had more hits than Dexy's Midnight Runners. Which is to say, more than one.
  
  
• And finally, the green men were back for the first time this season. They had some new moves (a little air guitar, for instance), and they did their thing at the penalty box. Part of me wonders if they have writers for their moves. It wouldn't be too surprising. If Jay Leno needs writers to be not funny, clearly you can use writers for anything. On a sidenote: after close inspection, we suspect that one of the green men has been replaced. Keep your eyes peeled for an announcement that Sully would now like to be called Dipsy.

I Am Watching This Game, A PITB Live Blog: Canucks vs. Avalanche, October 26, 2010

For the first time in PITB's history, tonight's game will be LiveBlogged by Skeeter, yours truly, and, potentially, a couple other special guests. Tell your friends. Drop by to chat. Hang about in silence, observing the shortsighted things we say in the moment. See you tonight. We'll fire this bad boy up at 6:45pm. Faithful readers, don't panic: we will still be writing an "I Watched This Game" to accompany and summarize what goes on in the box below.

Big Numbers: Interesting Stats, Eight Games In

Below you will find a compendium of interesting stats. Take from them what you will. Or, if you're feeling particularly sluggish this morning, take from them what I have taken from them. Yes, feel free to plagiarize my thoughts, like the government does through the microchip they've implanted in my utricle. I long ago lost the will to fight it.

1. Through the first eight games, Henrik Sedin and Ryan Kesler are six seconds apart in total time on ice at 159:20 in 196 shifts and 159:14 in 197, respectively. The difference between their TOI per game is one second. In short, their time on ice has been basically identical through eight games. Interestingly, it's not even close to the same type of ice time. Henrik has nearly twenty total minutes more time at even-strength, and Kesler spends far more time on special teams time on both sides of the man advantage. He's got seventeen more minutes of PK time, and two more minutes of power play time. Huh?
   
   
2. Kesler really shouldn't have more total power play time. He not only leads the team in missed shots with 17--he's first among forwards and second overall in the NHL. Who's in front of him? Duncan Keith. That's a double-edged sword for the Blackhawks. Keith's missed shots numbers are going to be inflated because he's a defenseman and he plays so many minutes a game. But he's only got three assists for a guy who plays nearly half of every Blackhawks game. Both Kesler and Keith are offensive catalysts for their team, hence the frequency with which they shoot. This stat is a large part of the slow start in both Vancouver and Chicago. Both of these guys needs to start hitting the net. Note: Keith also leads the league in giveaways. Don't get me wrong--he's still an incredible player, but he's not playing as well as they're saying. He's just playing a lot.
   
   
3. Before we move on, you should also know the Canucks are 2nd in the NHL in the team missed shots category, behind only Pittsburgh. Not too surprising, as Alain Vigneault once said that Pittsburgh plays the exact same style as the Canucks. There are, as a result, other statistical similarities, like the one below:
   
   
4. Vancouver is second in the league in total hits with 216, behind only Pittsburgh's 240. And not that it's paying off, but the Canucks lead the NHL in hits on the road, with 120. They are 10th in hitting at home. Strangely, Pittsburgh has the inversion of this stat, leading the league in hits at home and sitting 11th on the road. Here's the weird part: Pittsburgh is below .500 at home and 3-0-1 on the road; The Canucks are winless on the road and 3-0-1 at home. Why do these teams win less when they hit more? I couldn't say for certain. My guess is that, while they're already very hitty teams, they hit more when trying to come from behind.
   
   
5. The Canucks are 2nd in the NHL in total faceoff percentage, at 56.6%. All three of the Canucks top faceoff men are over 50% at the dot, with Manny Malhotra leading the league at an ungodly 66.9% over 139 faceoffs. That is a very large sample size at which to win two-thirds of your draws. Ryan Kesler is 14th in the NHL at an impressive 57.6%, and Henrik Sedin is 40th with 51.6%. How's about that fourth line? Well, interestingly enough, only the three guys mentioned above have even taken enough faceoffs to merit statistical consideration. 11 other guys have taken draws, and only Peter Schaefer has taken more than ten. Of note: Rick Rypien has nine; he's won six of them.
   
   
6. Considering Malhotra and Kesler are defensive centers with excellent faceoff percentages, it's probably no surprise they lead the team in shorthanded time on ice among forwards. Who is the highest clocking winger? Peter Schaefer, to nobody's surprise. He has been an excellent defensive player. Following him, it's Jannik Hansen.
   
   
7. Do you hear that? It's the sound of nobody missing Shane O'Brien. Andrew Alberts, who won his job in the preseason, shares the team lead for hits with Jannik Hansen at 23 apiece. Alberts is also second in blocked shots, with 13. Who leads the team? Alex Edler, with 15. Interestingly, Ryan Kesler also has 13, and the next best shot-blocking forward only has 5. It's Peter Schaefer. Keith Ballard had 8 blocked shots in two games before he was knocked out with the concussion. He would likely be leading the team right now.
   
   
8. Speaking of Jannik Hansen, let us say something about his 23 hits. While he might not hit as hard as Alberts, he's hitting with frequency and efficiency. Hansen has the ability and multi-dimensionality to be this team's Kris Versteeg--a gritty guy with enough skill to occasionally surprise. Last game was a nice start, but he needs to do that more often. Here's hoping the chemistry he appears to have with Malhotra is for real.
   
   
9. Kevin Bieksa leads the team in giveaways, as he has since the first game of the season. He has nine now, widening the gap since the last time I brought this up. Bieksa just might run away with this dubious category. Christian Ehrhoff is second on the team with six, but I don't remember each one of his nearly as vividly. You probably know exactly how I feel about Kevin Bieksa, so I'll just move on.
   
   
10. Mason Raymond leads the team in takeaways with 8. He doesn't get nearly enough talk about his defensive play. The Sedins are up there as well, with 7 apiece. They don't just hold onto the puck spectacularly; they regularly take the puck.
    
    
11. Canuck forwards without a goal are Tanner Glass, Guillaume Desbiens, Peter Schaefer, Jannik Hansen, Rick Rypien... and Henrik Sedin. It doesn't mean anything, especially considering he plays on the one of the most productive lines in hockey and he leads the league in assists, but the less time he spends on a line--even a stat line--with Tanner Glass the better.
    
    
12. And finally, penalty minutes. Here's an interesting stat: through eight games, there isn't a single Canuck with more than one major penalty. Torres, Rypien, Alberts, and Desbiens have all fought one time and only one time. In total penalty minutes, Raffi Torres leads the team, but don't start ripping on him just yet. There are four guys with more minor penalties: Jannik Hansen, Mikael Samuelsson, Andrew Alberts, and Kevin Bieksa all have four. Do you know who shouldn't have four? Mikael Samuelsson. His temper doesn't get a lot of play, but it should. Ask Sweden: he can muster a boatloads of antipathy in a very short time. Most of his penalties are acts of aggression directed towards somebody who has pissed him off. He's a heady veteran who should know better than to take so many retaliatory penalties.