Belated Fantasy Hockey Monday: Week Three

Jason made this awesomely awful logo for me. Thank you.

I'm sure you were all wondering why I hadn't posted my weekly fantasy hockey update. Surely, without hearing about my fantasy hockey teams, your Monday was incomplete and you have wandered through the last few days in an existential void, unsure of whether this world held any meaning and value.

Quite frankly, I wanted to avoid an update this week as I lost every single matchup. Badly. I wanted to do everything in my power to avoid thinking about how badly I lost. I didn't want to share the evidence of how terrible I am at fantasy hockey.

But, one of those loses was to my wife, and she was legitimately upset that I didn't write about it. And, since today is our wedding anniversary, I feel obligated to detail the extensiveness of her victory. That will come up in my Pool Three recap, but first...

Pool One - Office Pool

Team: Aldergrove Awesome

Week Three Result: 4-8-1 Loss

This first loss was the most frustrating, as my players actually performed fairly well. Looking across the rest of the league this week, my team would have won if they had been matched up against almost any other team. But instead, I was up against the Celery Cap Specials, who dropped me to 9th in the league with a 15-22-2 record.

My goalies were good, but my opponent had Tim Thomas's 2 shutouts. I had six players who put up multiple assists; my opponent had nine. Mike Knuble chipped in a shorthanded assist and often one shorthanded point is enough to win that category: my opponent got shorthanded points from Nicklas Backstrom and David Perron. On the positive side, I won in goals, penalty minutes, shots-on-goal, and hits. Ed Jovanovski led the way with 12 shots and 4 hits, with Taylor Hall being the main offensive contributor with 2 goals and 2 assists.

A look at the team stats for the league reveals that I'm near average in all of the categories for skaters and near the bottom in all of the goalie categories. It's still early, but I might need to look into a trade...

Pool Two - Nucks Misconduct

Team: I Miss Kyle Wellwood

Week Three Result: 2-7-1 Loss

Two syllables: bru-tal. My goaltending trio of Roloson, Mason, and Bernier was, unsurprisingly, not very good. Not that it matter, because my opponent had Tim Thomas and Roberto Luongo, who put up 3 wins, a 1.00 GAA, a .966 SV%, and 2 shutouts. I didn't have a hope of winning those categories.

I managed to win in goals thanks to Tomas Plekanec scoring 3 on his own and, for the first time in any of my pools, I won in +/-, despite Blake Comeau going -5 for the week. Dan Boyle, Tobias Enstrom, and Steven Stamkos were the main contributors there. Otherwise, everyone was terrible. I'm going to try to forget this week happened, as it dropped me below .500 to a 12-13-5 record. Considering this team had 2 straight victories prior to this debacle, I'm hopeful that this is just an unfortunate confluence of events.

Pool Three - Friends Pool

Team: Emily Carr Echidnas

Week Three Result: 3-6-1 Loss

After my wife's awesomely named team, The Pain Lions, dismantled my Echidnas, she had one thing to say: "Really, you beat yourself." Thanks, wife. I'm glad you think that I have mismanaged my team and thus caused my own downfall. Of course, what she meant by that is that I have taught her everything she knows about hockey in general and fantasy hockey in particular and have therefore, by proxy, defeated myself this week.

Of course, the former is basically true as well. Tell me this: if you had the choice of a goalie tandem of either Ilya Bryzgalov and Miikka Kiprusoff or Michael Neuvirth and Antero Niittymaki, who would you choose? It would be obvious, right? Not this week: Neuvirth put up 2 wins, including a shutout, to go with a 1.34 GAA and .947 SV%, while Niittymaki got a win himself with a 2.00 GAA and a .931 SV%. Kiprusoff (or rather, the Flames) imploded, leaving Kiprusoff with a bloated 5.08 GAA and a meager .831 SV%. Bryzgalov was better, but not enough to make a difference.

I do have a third goalie, Brent Johnson of the Pittsburgh Penguins, who was still available in free agency. He had a shutout last week. I could have started him in place of Miikka Kiprusoff on Saturday, but I wasn't sure if he or Marc-André Fleury would get the start. So I went with Kiprusoff, who had a wonderful .778 SV% against the Washington Capitals that day. Fantastic.

On the positive side, Patrick Marleau put up 5 points and was a +6 this week, Nathan Horton almost single-handedly won the penalty minutes category with 17, and Steven Stamkos, Martin St. Louis, and Tomas Plekanec continue to be excellent. And, thankfully, Alex Burrows is back. Oddly enough, I won the +/- category in this pool as well, with a sparkling +13. Thank you Patrick Marleau. That actually puts me at the top of the league in that category, which is meaningless as I'm third from the bottom of the league in the actual standings.

Ugh.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Oilers, November 2, 2010

Canucks 4 - 3 Oilers

It may have gotten a bit tense there at the end, but a win's a win, right? Wrong. The Canucks made a crucial mistake that let the Oilers back in this one: they briefly held a two-goal lead.

Yes, the dreaded two-goal lead, a guaranteed death sentence for all who hold it. Originally, the Canucks had a three-goal lead, but then the Oilers scored. And then it was a two-goal lead. And then they were screwed.

In actuality, the Canucks have yet to show a killer instinct this season. This is a team that, last season, was money in the third. They held leads and they staged comebacks. This year, however, they've been losing leads and hosting comebacks. The Canucks dominated the first period, storming out of the gate with three goals, but then they quit applying pressure. Just like when administering First Aid, that's a pretty big no-no. And I'm not trying to say hockey players are like doctors; only Dan Ellis feels that way. I'm just saying you can't let up.

Anyway, in the long run, the Canucks came out the victors, thanks to the absurd video content we have provided above. That's above. Below, we watched this game, and our thoughts have been broken down into bulleted points. Read them. Read them aloud?

• Raffi Torres had the most absurd hat trick since Mason Raymond hoisted a puck over Miikka Kiprusoff from center ice. Let us review this trio of goals. First, Torres scores on a nutty dive and stab at the puck. It was the best headfirst dive since George Michael Bluth. Then, as part of the best double tip since Darth Maul's lightsaber, and finally, on some sort of weird curling play. The last time Khabibulin blew it that badly, it was a breathalyzer. Torres also had one wicked hit on Andrew Cogliano to seal the win. He was excellent tonight.

• Moment of horror: only Daniel Sedin has more Canuck goals than Raffi Torres.

• Skeeter believes Kevin Bieksa was the best defenseman on the ice for the Canucks tonight. Reluctantly, I agree with him. My urge is to disagree, however, simply on principle, so I'll disagree about something else instead. Skeeter, I don't like your hat. But seriously, Bieksa broke out of his funk (significantly less funky than my band, Cinnamon Toast Funk) with three assists in his 22 minutes of ice time. He played smart, he played physical, and he didn't make any of the massive mistakes that tend to make me, Harrison, furious. I'll admit that, if he played this way on a regular basis, I would like him a lot more. That is all I'll admit.

• Skeeter would like to add that a) he already likes Bieksa and b) his hat is heck of sweet.

• Alex Burrows returned to the lineup and made an immediate impression. His first period shifts, like the rest of the team's, were his best. He caused turnovers, generated scoring chances, wreaked havoc in front of the net, and fit right back in with the Sedins. This may seem obvious, but this is a good thing. Also good Things? Stan Lee's comic book character and John Carpenter's 1982 film.

• At the end of the first period, the Canucks were playing so well I wasn't sure who I was going to pick on. John Garrett seemed ripe. This replay is a slowed down version of a play you just saw. Thanks for the analysis, Garrett.

• It's been awhile since we saw Daniel and Henrik Sedin's trademark slap-pass actually work. Other teams have taken it up as a power play option, but these guys are the originals, and they showed it on this play. I don't think I've ever seen that slap-pass look that fluid. It was more fluid than classic Darkwing Duck nemesis The Liquidator. It was more fluid than Alex Mack.

• The Canucks were excellent in the faceoff circle, with everybody who took a draw registering above 50%. Kesler was the star, going 13-6. Take that, Manny Malhotra.

• I want to talk about the first goal against. I recognize the Oilers have a lot of small forwards, but I think Alberts took his size for granted a little. Rather than swing the puck around the boards, he puts his back to Andrew Cogliano and expects the little guy to bounce off. You forgot about velocity, Alberts. Any physics experts read PITB? Someone explain this to Alberts. Anyway, Mason Raymond peels off Cogliano, expecting Alberts to send it around, but instead, Alberts just stands there, staring blankly at the wall, recreating the ending of the Blair Witch Project.

• Roberto Luongo was good tonight, but people are going to point to the second goal when claiming that he wasn't. Yes, he lost the puck in the crease, but one of Ballard or Rome needs to tie up Ryan Jones's stick. Instead, they whacked fruitlessly at the puck. Yes, fruitlessly. They were yielding less fruit than that fig tree Jesus cursed. We all remember that Bible story, right?

• Cogliano also creates the third goal when he beats Alex Edler inside. Alex, I said to be noticeable, but not bad. On this goal, you were bad. You can't give up the center of the ice like that.

• And finally, a word about my wife, who spent the whole game claiming Canuck players looked like celebrities they do not look like. Peter Schaefer was compared to Eddie Cibrian. Tanner Glass got Gerard Butler. Andrew Alberts got Ben Affleck, and this may be the only one where she's got a point. Little does she know I made this comment way back in April. That's right, I beat my wife. Nope, that came out wrong.

To Know Messier is Apparently to Know the Canucks

This really shouldn't enrage me as much as it does. But it does.

Canucks.com has a trivia game that many of you, I'm sure, have played. It usually has great questions about the team history, like who scored the first Canuck goal. But it's been polluted somewhat. I took the quiz today and 6 of 10 questions were about a person we all prefer never to think about.


That's six questions about Mark Messier.

It's been discussed before how bad Mark Messier's tenure with the Canucks was, and how little the team loves him. I don't want to go into it.

What I'd like to talk about is that the Vancouver Canucks submitted these questions. Playing the quiz right now, you're more than likely to run into at least three of these six Messier questions -- normally, playing the game over and over, you will run into a different question every time, but right now, the same ones seem to be looping. Why is that?

It's easy to see how someone who first heard of the Canucks yesterday might say, "Oh hey, this is cool, Mark Messier used to play with the Canucks. Why don't people discuss this?" Again, rather than give a list of reasons, I'll just point to how his time with the Canucks ended: he was bought out. While the historic Gretzky trade pointed out that ANYONE can get traded, not ANYONE can get bought out. A buyout is a team saying "We'd rather pay you NOT to be on the team." That's how bad Messier was.

These questions are primarily about the things Messier did while not on the Canucks, cause that's where his accomplishments occurred. For instance, did you know that in 1994, Messier led the New York Rangers to a Stanley Cup championship? You did? Odd that so many Canucks fans would know that.

I don't know why anyone making decisions about content on Canucks.com would want me to remember Mark Messier, especially that Cup he won with New York, but I frankly think it's a bad call. If it's part of the "40 years" thing and I start seeing Messier promotions or something, I'll be ridiculously unhappy, but for now, this little message of protest is enough.

Alex Burrows is Awesome; Plus, Five Great Burrows Moments

Bulies (that's what I'm calling our readers starting right now) might already know that Burrows is also my favourite player, so it goes without saying I am stoked for his return to the lineup tonight. This article is nothing but blind praise for a hockey player I adore.


I think sometimes people forget how valuable Alex Burrows is to this team. I think he's invaluable. It's strange to say for a guy that was on the bubble to make the team only three short years ago, but the return of Alex Burrows tonight is not unlike getting a superstar forward in a trade. His impact is that high. It's not even that he's become our top-line left-winger, or that he led the team in goal scoring last season. It's that Burrows' very presence in the lineup is a major motivational element.

His ECHL story is by now an old tale, but it's the exact sort of reminder that a team of millionaire athletes needs: Alex Burrows worked his ass off to get here, and he continues to work his ass off to stay. Burrows is a major star on this team, and he's only a major star because night-in, night-out, his work ethic is second to nobody. How do you ignore that? How do you forget to give all possible effort when your leading goalscorer is one of the great NHL success stories, solely because of he never skimps on effort? You can't. A team with Alex Burrows is a team with a higher compete level.

A team with Alex Burrows is also a Hell of a lot of fun. Despised league-wide, he is beloved in the dressing room, and it's easy to see why. He seems to get along with everyone, he's all smiles, he has a ridiculous accent, and he stands at the end of the tunnel and high fives every player after a win. Guys like this--glue guys--are vital to the success of an NHL franchise.

Here are my five favourite Burrows moments:

Burrows Breaks the Slump
A classic Burrows moment. The Canucks had gone winless in ten games, and it looked like they were headed for overtime in their eleventh. However, with a minute to go, Burr got in shorthanded and put the Canucks ahead. His goal celebration, where he either tried to break his stick and failed or was symbolizing the breaking of the slump (depends on who you talk to) is a classic.



Burrows Scores the Series-Winning Goal; Canucks Sweep the Blues
Another big goal from Burrows. His overtime winner here completed the first playoff sweep in Canucks' franchise history. His goal celebration is a tribute to the late Luc Bourdon.



Burrows Gets His Second Hat Trick in as Many Games
During his wicked streak last January, Burrows scored an insane amount of goals in an insanely short period of time. Check them all out here, or just watch this one, his sixth in two games.



Burrows Makes Fun of Marc Crawford's Squeaky Voice
In a classic case of the pot saying the kettle talks funny, Burrows makes fun of Marc "Only Dogs Can Hear Him" Crawford and his classic croak. He might have gone a little high, but exaggeration is the stuff of good comedy.



Burrows Mic'd Up, Sounds Stupid Saying "Sleeeeeewfooooot"
Speaking of sounding ridiculous, here is a classic Youtube clip that highlights how ridiculous Burrows sounds saying the word "slewfoot." How do you take him seriously as a ref? Ask Stephane Auger, I guess.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Devils, November 1, 2010

Canucks 3 - 0 Devils

I apologize for the lateness of today's IWTG, but I have a readymade excuse: I didn't start it soon enough. Let's move on.

It's always a pleasure when the Devils come to town because the Canucks always seem to kick the stuffing out of them. Typically, it's hyped as a goaltenders duel, but it's never once amounted to anything even resembling a goaltenders duel. More often, than Canucks show up, the Devils don't, and Luongo winds up getting a shutout on easy mode. That is exactly what happened last night.

• Luongo's shutout is the story here, and he played excellently, but there are two major mitigating factors. 1) The Devils are a pretty sucky team these days, and 2) It's November. Luongo's record-setting November shutout streak has arrived right on schedule, and it's so expected it could be considered unimpressive. Plus, shutout streaks are hardly impressive at all. Know who has the longest one ever? Brian "The Backup Plan" Boucher. This November, do something different, Roberto, and write a novel for NaNoWriMo or grow a sweet moustache.
  
  
• As far as I'm concerned, the real big story is that the Canucks got a goal from all three lines. That is a recipe for success. The Torres-Malhotra-Hansen continues to be impressive, drawing first blood, playing edgy, and kicking goaltenders sticks away from them. These are the things you need to do to win.
  
  
• Raffi Torres played well tonight. He continues to do weird things when he's controlling the puck, such as turn it over, overskate it, put passes in legs, etc., but he's got three goals already this season. As much as I want him to be the second-string whipping boy, it's hard to whip a guy who scores regularly (which is why it's so easy to whip Kevin Bieksa).
  
  
• Poor Jeff Tambellini has already been sent to the Moose, and I'm sure that his first mediocre game with the Sedins didn't help. Still, that sucks, because he can play. I recognize that it's a strategic move, but Peter Schaefer and Tanner Glass are still in the lineup; that is to say there is a better strategy. I know the Canucks would rather not lose any bodies, but come on, Vigneault played Schaefer, Glass, and Desbiens for under a minute combined in the third period the other night. They'd got almost as much ice time for the Canucks as Mikko Koivu did. Their presence in the lineup couldn't possibly be missed that much. Houses of the Hockey did an incredible post on Vancouver's bottom-six forwards, and while their ineptness has been partially remedied, we've still got a whole line of fringe NHLers. That's too much fringe, even for diehard fans of the Fox drama Fringe. Victorian-era dressmakers think that's too much fringe.
  
  
• In the second period, Henrik Tallinder carried the puck up ice while being pressured by Henrik Sedin. Shorty called Sedin "The other Henrik." I'm sorry, but one Henrik is the reigning MVP and scoring champion, and the other is Henrik Tallinder. On a related note, "The Other Henrik" sounds a bit like the title of a Sedin-directed entry in a Swedish film festival. Other titles might include "Tears of a Clone" and "The Seventh Seal Reimagined."
  
  
• Alex Edler was the third star tonight. Is it just me, or can you miss him completely, even when he's the anchor of the Canucks' defense on a very, very good night? He led the Canucks in ice time and I hardly noticed him. That's good and bad. I want him to stand out more, just for good reasons. Alex, don't be shy, but don't stand out for being awful. In other words, straddle the line between Casper and the Ghostly Trio.
  
  
• Dan Murphy broke the cardinal rule of foolish superstition and said the word "shutout" BEFORE IT BECAME OFFICIAL. He claims that Luongo doesn't mind, but unless Luongo is the hockey gods, it doesn't matter what he thinks. Don't do it again, Murphy, or we'll replace your hair gel with egg whites.
  
  
• Mikael Samuelsson is having some trouble getting back to last year's level. That's okay, Sammy. I had the same problem when I got to level 14 of Tetris. Just keep at it.
  
  
• Keith Ballard was excellent tonight. Expect him to get a lot of press for his shot-blocking prowess, as it was on display all night. He was credited with three, but he had a few more than went missed. Shorty joked he might have to send the numbers guys a Christmas card. That's too passive. I think he should get them a threatening note attached to an abacus.
  
  
• It's a bummer about Daniel Sedin's points streak, but did you see how many points Tony Tanti put up during his streak? 23, in like, twelve games. Personally, I'd be kind of choked if Sedin broke my streak with ten less points. I especially liked the moment, at the end of Daniel's last shift, when the camera followed him to the bench. He sat down next to Tanner Glass, who said, "Sorry, buddy." Don't tell me hockey players don't care about stats.
  
  
• The real bummer, of course, is that Henrik Sedin's penalty shot forced him to give up on his secret plan to get 100 assists and no goals. Poor guy had no choice but to bury it with everyone watching. He even tried to do a terrible move, but Brodeur botched the save. Trust me: when Henrik slid that puck past Marty, they were both disappointed in themselves. Look at Henrik's reaction. A dispassionate fist pump can't fool this guy. I see that despair.
  
  
• Edit: one more thing. Burrows draws back into the lineup tonight, but last night, we won without him. Do we really want him?
  

Kirk McLean to join Orland Kurtenbach in Ring of Honour

As announced on the Team 1040 morning show by Scotty Rintoul and Ray Ferraro, the next inductee into the Vancouver Canucks' Ring of Honour will be Captain Kirk himself, Kirk McLean. As anyone who remembers the '94 playoff run knows, this is well deserved.

The last of the great stand-up goaltenders, McLean arrived in Vancouver in 1987 in a trade with the New Jersey Devils. He spent the next decade in net for the Canucks, setting many franchise records in the process. He still holds the franchise record for regular season games played, regular season wins, playoff games played, playoff wins, and playoff shutouts. He's second in franchise history in regular season shutouts and second in playoff save percentage.

But what McLean will most be remembered for is the '94 playoff run, where he was fantastic. There was "The Save" where he robbed Robert Reichel in game 7, giving Pavel Bure the chance to score his famous overtime winner. Then there was game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals, where he made a ridiculous 52 saves to give Vancouver the 3-2 victory. He finished the playoffs that year with a sterling .928 save percentage.

McLean is an iconic figure in Vancouver and is well deserving of this honour. His name and number will go into the Ring of Honour on November 24th when the Colorado Avalanche, who he currently works for as the goaltending coach, are in town.

Staying Positive

Every hockey team has its ups and downs. Passionate fans often have difficulty staying positive in the face of extreme suckage on the ice, but your emotional health depends on your ability to always see the bright side. If something you have no control over, like the performance of your hockey team, has the ability to get you depressed, then you're going to have all sorts of issues. Fortunately, we at Pass it to Bulis are here to help you through the tough times with some reasons to stay positive, no matter who you root for.

New Jersey: Doing their part to prevent the Boston Bruins from becoming too powerful by actively blocking them from getting the number 1 pick.

Buffalo: Despite Miller's slow start, have not had a single member of their media suggest there's a goaltending controversy. Indeed, Miller's looking to dispel Thomas's "Vezina curse" of immediately being displaced by the backup.

Edmonton: This time, their GM refuses to cave when their highest-paid D-man demands a trade.

Florida: Canucks trade rumors have quieted down, so odds are they're not about to be screwed again anytime soon.

Anaheim: Scott Niedermayer can only realistically retire once.

Ottawa: No longer have to deal with a star goaltender showing up late to practice, getting into fights, or playing for the team.

Phoenix: At 24th in the league, are finally living up to the expectations set by fans and media.

NY Islanders: With Streit and Okposo, have new up-and-coming stars to suffer long term injury, taking pressure off of Rick DiPietro.

Minnesota: Pierre-Marc Bouchard's impending return may finally fill the gap Gaborik left as the offensive spark who plays beautifully for 30 games every season.

Carolina: I just traded Cam Ward from my fantasy team, so he's likely to start recording a shutout every other game.

Vancouver: According to several sources, October is officially over.

Toronto: Thanks to New Jersey, it's unlikely that they traded away the 1st overall pick.

NY Rangers: Sean Avery's self-esteem apparently uninjured after vicious attack by James Wisniewski.

San Jose: Likely to succeed so long as coach continually reminds the team that the playoffs are months away.

Atlanta: Will likely pick up Jarome Iginla and PK Subban at the deadline.

Calgary: Daryl Sutter can't possibly last much longer.

Columbus: Steve Mason has returned to the form that made him the subject of so much discussion last season.

Boston: As long as Tim Thomas continues to allow less than a goal per game, are likely to make the playoffs this season.

Pittsburgh: Marc-Andre Fleury can't keep playing like this forever. Eventually Bylsma will just kill him.

Colorado: Odds of losing to San Jose in the playoffs are steadily decreasing.

Philadelphia: Mike Richards' intangibles are more valuable to the team right now than that goal he scored.

Nashville: Failing power-play more in character for a team that believes in hard-fought wins and harder-fought losses.

Detroit: Teams employing this many senior citizens may be eligible for a tax break.

Washington: It's the regular season, when their game really works.

St. Louis: Jaroslav Halak is a huge upgrade over their last backstop, Chris Mason's beard.

Chicago: "Stanley Cup hangover" made the long list of hangovers Patrick Kane currently suffers from.

Montreal: If the team continues this way, fans can look forward to being disappointed in playoffs, rather than just amazed they qualified.

Tampa Bay: If they continue to score crazily while allowing 3.00 goals per game, they may be this season's Washington Capitals.

Los Angeles: Will be real Cup contenders so long as Jarret Stoll remains among the league's top scorers.