Phil Kessel Was Picked Last, Not Picked On

After much speculation about who would get picked last at the NHL All-Star Draft, Phil Kessel suffered the ignominy of being the final guy. For the concerned: he'll live. In fact, I thought the only embarrassing thing about Kessel's turn as Mr. Irrelevant was the way the NHL tried to pacify him. In an infuriating bit of babying, host James Duthie coaxed an ovation out of the audience, verbally consoled Kessel (who couldn't have cared less) and then gifted him $20,000 to a charity of his choice as well as a brand new 2011 Honda CR-Z.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, the hundreds of children picked last in schoolyards across the country that day were given nothing, save a wedgie and an insecurity complex. Come on. These are NHL players, not grade-schoolers. Picked last does not mean picked on, and this was a room full of grown men capable of making that distinction. By reaching to console Phil Kessel, the NHL turned a relatable moment into another instance of millionaire ego-stroking.

Kessel didn't need to be given any consolation prizes. He was already at the All-Star Game. Know who wasn't? Tanner Glass. Where's his car?

Simply being invited was good enough for Kessel, and he said as much to Duthie. Not mentioned, but also a fairly decent consolation, was the fact that Kessel makes $5.4 Million a year, and if he wanted a new car, he could have paid cash for one. I hate talking about player salaries, but Kessel really didn't need that car, and you could tell by his reaction. Have you seen what happens when normal people are given a car? Their heart explodes. Did you see what happened when Phil Kessel was given a car? He smiled appreciatively, like he'd been given a gift card to Denny's.

It was a startling lack of perspective for the NHL to A) showcase Kessel's corresponding lack of perspective and B) take a very human moment like being picked last and turn it into another example of the divide between athletes and normal people. Most kids who are picked last can be consoled with a trip to Marble Slab Creamery. For a millionaire athlete, however, it had to be much more extravagant than that. Granted, they tried to balance it out by giving Kessel twenty grand to donate to charity, but that's about as meaningful as being given a Christmas present by your baby brother. Yes, I'm sure he picked this out himself.

These guys are still role models, after all. Considering the audience for this event was likely a lot of younger kids, I would have much preferred for the NHL to simply show what a good sport Kessel was being. Everything after that was overkill.

**********

That said, if the event lost some of its relatability with this moment, we can thank Alex Ovechkin for saving the day. The highlight of the draft: Ovechkin's sheer glee at Kessel sitting alone--an image so comical to him he snapped a picture with his phone. Hilarious. Part of Ovechkin's charm is that, despite being one of the best hockey players on the planet, he's also plainly human. His parents live with him; he often gets caught sneaking a peek at the ladies; he can't dance. Heck, is there anything more human than the place where schadenfreude and camera phones intersect? That exact place is where the Internet was born.

From the Archives: Let the NHL All-Star Game Stay Meaningless

Way back in November, well in advance of the NHL's announcements regarding changes to this year's All-Star game, I made a pitch for an All-Star format very similar to the one we're about to see.

Before you get too worked up, I should clarify that nobody stole my idea. It turned out that Brendan Shanahan had pitched the idea about six months earlier at the annual NHL GM meetings. But, though I didn't get flown out to New York and given a job as an idea man, I was excited to know I would see my idea implemented nonetheless.

A summary of my argument is as follows: the All-Star Game is completely meaningless, and by its very nature, it has to be. But, meaningless though it is, that doesn't mean it can't also be fun. Hockey is fun. The NHL players like to have fun. I wanted the NHL to drop the desperate efforts to give some edge to the game and, instead, ratchet up the efforts to make the game more fun.

I felt like having player captains pick their teams--a pond hockey throwback--was one way to toss out the austerity and celebrate the game. That's effectively what they're doing. That said, you'll see in the article that I would have done a few things differently. I would have kept it simpler, and I thought it was useless to let fans vote for a starting six rather than the team captains. But these are small quibbles; the basic idea remains the same. Take a gander at Let the NHL All-Star Game Stay Meaningless, an original PITB article.

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Burrows Interviews Bieksa, Unwittingly Reveals Himself as Passionate Romantic

If you haven't seen this fantastic video of Alex Burrows interviewing Kevin Bieksa from ESPN.com, you are missing out. It is remarkably hilarious.

Many stick taps and gloved taps on the helmet to Nucks Misconduct.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Predators, January 26, 2011

Canucks 2 - 1 Predators

With a win versus Nashville last night, the Canucks go into All-Star weekend having collected at least one point in 27 of their last 30 games. Yes, that's the stat Don Taylor reported postgame on Sportsnet Connected, and I want to take a moment to marvel at it. Consider that this stat--this very positive stat--incorporates the points from the amazing mini-slump that now seems so long ago, and ignores the fact those games were eventually lost. Remember when they were cause for concern? Now they're just part of an extremely positive stat. You'd think the Canucks had been rolling, uninterrupted, for months.

It's incredible to me what shootouts and overtime points do to perception. A four-game losing streak can be a four-game point streak at the same time. Typically, only one side is reported, and the fires of the fanbase are stoked by a few well-placed omissions. It's silly, and maybe a little dishonest, too. Well, I'm here to tell you that, if we at PITB stand for anything, it's hardcore honesty. For example: truth be told, I watched this game:

• Roberto Luongo was rightly named the game's first star tonight. He made 26 saves, several of the category spectacular, and one of the category wowie zowie. For those that have forgotten the transformative power of new goaltending coach Rollie Melanson, consider how deep Luongo is in his crease for the Joel Ward kick save. Last year, that gets past Funny Bob before he has time to react. In fact, there were a few tonight that might have. Instead, Luongo was in the right place at the right time all night (except on the goal against, when he accidentally went swimming at a nearby leisure center).
  

• Jeff Paterson is absolutely correct, too. You hear a lot about Luongo when he plays badly, and very little when he plays well. This speaks to how expectations warp our satisfaction. The moral of the story? Never try. Keep expectations low and you're more likely to impress.

• Of course, the real question about Luongo isn't whether or not he's going to stellar. It's whether or not he's going to come out and give away his goalie stick. After singlehandedly keeping his team in the game, he owes us that much. If you'll recall, he skipped the last two star twirls to be privately upset, but he made up for it tonight, giving away three goalie sticks. Why not four, I say? Why couldn't he make it seven? I think Luongo should give away a Sportchek.

• Your game-winning goal scorer? Lee Sweatt, the defensive call-up so comically undertall that teammates were chanting "Rudy! Rudy!" as he was suiting up. Frankly, though, after scoring on his first shot in his first NHL game, Lucky might have been a better moniker. Brad Lukowich and Wade Brookbank can attest to being the fortunate son that gets to receive a pass from the Sedins, too, especially one as pretty as Daniel's. Give Sweatt credit for the shot, though. He couldn't have picked a better spot. Into the net is always the best spot to pick. I also loved his goal celebration. What's the old saying? Act like you've been there before. Lady Gaga is jealous of that poker face. James Bond, too. Sweatt played a grand total of 8:49 in this game. In that time, he was on the ice for both Canucks goals and none against. He was bouncing off checks a little bit, but that's to be expected. You can't expect a much better effort in a guy's first NHL game.

• That said, sometimes it's a bit of a shame that scoring the game-winner automatically means a three star selection. Sweatt was in the right place at the right time, but he definitely didn't have a better overall game than Alex Burrows. Burrows scored the crucial game-tying goal with a tip and a rebound, nearly identical to the game-winner he scored in San Jose at the beginning of the month. Furthermore, while he didn't get an assist on the game-winner, that was him causing the turnover to Daniel Sedin when he knocked Joel Ward off the puck.

• Plus, Burrows was the star of the night's most hilarious story: his ongoing battle to get into Shane O'Brien kitchen. O'Brien had a game-high seven hits tonight, and I'm pretty sure six and a half were on Burrows. The camera crew caught them chirping back and forth all night, and they were having a whale of a time doing it. Burrows: f*** you, Shane! Ha ha, but seriously, can I get a ride home? In the night's finest moment, Shane O'Brien dragged Burrows to the ice, then trampled him a little for sport. Burrows went for his instinctual shot to the groin, but upon remembering he and Shane O'Brien were pals, he relented, giving SOB's jollies a kindly pat instead. Graeme Horton snapped a pic. Kudos to Burrows for being considerate enough to remember there's a lot less to do at the Roxy when your testicles are bruised.

• That said, Burrows missed an empty net in the game's final minute. Unacceptable. Do we really want him?
  

• With an assist on the Lee Sweatt goal, Daniel Sedin is now three points up on his brother for the team scoring lead. Out for blood. Even Beatrix Kiddo is alarmed at his need for retribution.

• Get this: Keith Ballard led the Canucks in icetime. It's true. Ballard was on the ice for a team-high 23:53. How did this happen? Originally, he remained paired with Tanev and seemed again headed for bottom-pairing minutes, but Christian Ehrhoff (who Vigneault played for over nine minutes in the first and clearly wanted to ride), was running around like crazy. It was a tad irresponsible; there were shifts where it looked like Ehrhoff though he was playing right wing, and you can't do that when you're paired with a guy playing his first NHL game. I don't think Vigneault was comfortable with Sweatt as the lone man back when Ehrhoff jumped, so Ballard was reassigned to keep an eye on things. That's right. Between his initial pairing with Tanev and his new job keeping Ehrhoff honest, Keith Ballard has become this team's babysitter. He's the Canucks' answer to Rosalyn.

• Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis also stepped in to fill a need, as he often does. He had some first unit powerplay time, he attempted a game-high 9 shots, and he played a team-high 30 shifts. He also had 2 hits, two takeaways, and 3 blocked shots. As usual, you hardly noticed anything he did. Two of his shifts were at the nearby children's hospital.

• Give the Canucks credit for winning da turd tonight. After allowing an early goal, they took over the final frame. They had discipline: after 3 penalties in first and 2 in the second, the team avoided taking any penalties in the third. They applied pressure, outshooting the Predators 17 to 7. In fact, after being outshot 12-4 in first, the Canucks responded well by outshooting Nashville 31-15 through the rest of the game.

• That's even more impressive when you consider Nashville blocked 19 shots tonight. Give them credit, but make sure you give a ton to Shane O'Brien, who gives his teammates shot-blocking practice at nightclubs: Shane, I think you've had enough.

• Chris Tanev played 11:26 tonight, including 1:47 of shorthanded time on ice. He has earned Vigneault's trust remarkably quickly. Good for him. Let's hope he doesn't make like M. Night Shyamalan and coast on that early goodwill until it becomes apparent we'll have to kill him to get rid of him.
  

• And finally: you've gotta feel bad for the Nashville line of Jarred Smithson, Nick Spaling, and Joel Ward. They were on the ice for both Canuck goals, and they came on back-to-back shifts. Impressively, they got two more after that, and more impressively, they didn't give up goals during either of them.

Alex Edler to Undergo Back Surgery

Backbreaking news for fans still basking in the glow of last night's solid victory over the Nashville Predators, as it has been announced that Alex Edler's back spasms that kept him out of the game are more serious than initially thought. Edler will undergo micro discectomy surgery on his back and will be out indefinitely.

While Lee Sweatt performed admirably in his absence, scoring the game-winning goal and finishing +2, he still had under 9 minutes of icetime and often seemed overmatched physically. Keith Ballard, on the other hand, stepped up and played a team-high 23:53, boosted by Ehrhoff missing some shifts to get stitches after getting whacked in the face by Ryan Kesler. With Aaron Rome and Andrew Alberts still out of commission, this latest wrinkle forces the Canucks to contend with a depleted blueline that may require further call-ups from the Manitoba Moose and more ice-time from the maligned Ballard.

Alternatively, with Edler sure to go on long-term injured reserve and the all-star game providing a brief break in the schedule, this may be the time to push Sami Salo harder in practice to see if he is ready to slot back into the lineup. The need to clear salary to fit Salo under the cap has suddenly disappeared.

Update: Edler's back surgeon, Dr. Marcel Weird Keyboard Dvorak, has suggested that Edler should recover in 8 to 10 weeks. Edler's surgery is scheduled for Monday, which would put his potential return at March 28th to April 11th if Dr. Dvorak is correct. The Canucks' final game of the regular season will be April 9th, meaning Edler could still return in time for the playoffs.

Quotes Taken Out of Context: SOB Edition Three

"Burr can't get into my kitchen - he can never get in my kitchen."

- Shane O'Brien, January 26, 2011

Your Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet, 2010-11 Season

Raymond = Fast

Last year, we introduced the inaugural Canucks Bandwagon cheat sheet to give aid to the less informed, less involved fan who wanted to feel a part of the Canucks' playoff run. Unfortunately, two weeks later, the Canucks were eliminated by the Blackhawks, and the cheat sheet was forgotten.

It's eight months later, however, and the Canucks are once again the talk of the town. They've vaulted to the top of the NHL standings; Bodog thinks they're the odds-on favourite to win the Stanley Cup; the buzz is palpable. Its fair-weather for fans, which often means an onslaught of fairweather fans. But if you're going to be a Canucks fan, the last thing you want is to be smoked out as a bandwagoner. Diehard fans don't take kindly to conditional ones.

So how do you pass for a lifer? You need to know your team. And that's where PITB comes in. This year's Bandwagon Canucks Fan Cheat Sheet--a geyser of valuable information--will tell you everything you need to know about the Vancouver Canucks roster.

:::::::::::::::::::: FORWARDS ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Alex Bolduc

About: Bolduc wears #49 and plays center. He is continually cast as the Canucks' fourth-line center, but he only seems to get in a handful of games before he's injured. We know very little about him, because we aren't the Canucks' medical staff.

Nickname(s): Duker

My wife thinks he looks like: Howard Moon, jazz maverick.

If he touches the puck, he's not likely to make a crisp pass to a winger. Even on a 2-on-1, he has admitted to having no idea where his linemates are.

Expect to hear: "I'm not sure about Bolduc. I don't like the way his shoulder explodes when he takes a faceoff."

Don't expect to hear: "No one has vision like Bolduc."

Name: Alexandre Burrows

About: Burrows wears #14 and plays right wing on the Canucks' top line. He's a former ball hockey champion. He's often a triggerman for the Sedins. They say he goes to the dirty areas; this can be taken multiple ways. He spends a lot of time in front of the net, but he also might spear an opponent in the groin, and there are few areas dirtier than the groin.

Nickname(s): Burr, Frack, The Wayne Gretzky of Ball Hockey

My wife thinks he looks like: The Muppet Show's Sam Eagle. It's the eyebrows.

If he touches the puck, he's about a millisecond away from taking a crosscheck to the back. I suspect he's just really fun to crosscheck. His primary job on the top line is to get crosschecked by everyone while Henrik and Daniel score. He's catnip.

Expect to hear: "Win da turd!" "That's a slewfoot!" "Ha ha, Burrows doesn't speak any language well."

Don't expect to hear: "Burrows is such a fluid skater it's a wonder he ever falls down."

Name: Tanner Glass

About: Glass wears #15 and plays wing, mostly. He also plays Scrabble. He's been known to fight a bear or two. He loves tootsie rolls. He went to Dartmouth. Goals are an unexpected bonus with Glass; he's a gritty, defensive forward known for his responsible play.

Nickname(s): The Scrabble Champ, Timothy Treadwell

My wife thinks he looks like: If Gerard Butler and Luke Wilson somehow had a baby.

If he touches the puck, you're about to witness a textbook dump and chase.

Expect to hear: "Glass is the cornerstone of our fourth-line."

Don't expect to hear: "That Glass is loaded with offensive upside."

Name: Jannik Hansen

About: Hansen wears #36 and plays wing. He's a speedy, versatile forward who has spent time on every Canucks' line this season. He seems most at home in the bottom six, where he isn't relied on to score and his standout defensive and forechecking abilities can shine.

Nickname(s): The Great Dane, Beaker

My wife thinks he looks like: Beaker.

If he touches the puck, it's a poke check. You could pass it to him and he'd still find a way to poke check it.

Expect to hear: "Hansen is the far and away the best forechecker on the team."

Don't expect to hear: "I really like the rich baritone of Jannik Hansen's speaking voice."

Name: Ryan Kesler

About: Kesler wears #17 and plays center. He's in the midst of a breakout season. He takes hockey very seriously. He's rumoured to have an adamantium skeleton.

Nickname(s): Kes, Frick, Bull

My wife thinks he looks like: The late Jeff Buckley.

If he touches the puck, someone, somewhere will argue he deserves the Hart trophy.

Expect to hear: "Kesler is the heart and soul of this team."

Don't expect to hear: "Kesler is the heart and soul of this improv team."

Name: Manny Malhotra

About: Malhotra wears #27 and plays center on the Canucks' third line. He's one of the best faceoff men in the league. His skills as a shutdown center have earned Selke consideration this season.

Nickname(s): The Manimal, Alternate Captain Mal

My wife thinks he looks like: Stanley Tucci.

If he touches the puck, hope it's on a faceoff. He knows what to do there. Hope it's not on an odd-man rush. He's a little less clear in that situation.

Expect to hear: "Another faceoff win by Malhotra. The guy's a machine."

Don't expect to hear: "I don't see how this guy's an upgrade on Kyle Wellwood."

Name: Mason Raymond

About: Raymond wears #21 and plays wing on the Canucks' second line. He's terribly fast. When he's on his game he's a major scoring threat. When he's not, he's the skinny guy from NES Ice Hockey, infuriatingly circling the zone. He's a tad bland, and chillingly inconspicuous. Sometimes, he simply is not there.

Nickname(s): MayRay, Lame-O Raymo, Bambi, Dimples, Zippy McLowpercentageshot

My wife thinks he looks like: An adorable baby.

If he touches the puck, he'll probably take it wide and circle the zone.

Expect to hear: "Raymond needs to go to the dirty areas."

Don't expect to hear: "If I were him, I'd stay to the perimeter, where it's safer."

Name: Mikael Samuelsson

About: Samuelsson wears #26 and plays wing. He shoots the puck a lot. He speaks his mind. He's the lone Canuck regular to have won a Stanley Cup. Like many Swedes, he plays in direct opposition to conventional hockey wisdom, and somehow, it works for him. Swedish players are the bumblebees of ice hockey.

Nickname(s): Sammy, Mikael McShooterson, The Logo Hunter

My wife thinks he looks like: The Swedish Chef.

If he touches the puck: The crest of the opposing goaltender's jersey will likely get the next touch.

Expect to hear: "What a strange time to shoot."

Don't expect to hear: "I've heard Sweden is quite fond of Samuelsson."

Name: Daniel Sedin

About: Daniel wears #22 and plays wing. He's kind of amazing. He's the twin brother of Henrik Sedin. He's driven by competitive rage. He once spent a month working for Santa.

Nickname(s): Danny, Dank, Brother Daniel, Assistant Captain Hook, Pinky, Kang.

My wife thinks he looks like: Henrik Sedin.

If he touches the puck: Brace yourself for wizardry. Or one pass too many, depending on whether or not the puck can get through the maze of skates.

Expect to hear: "Wizardous Sedinerie!"

Don't expect to hear: "If only he'd made one more pass."

Name: Henrik Sedin

About: Henrik wears #33 and plays center. He's the reigning Art Ross and Hart trophy winner and captain of the Vancouver Canucks. He currently leads the league in assists. He is always one step ahead of his brother. For instance: it looks like he'll be the first one to go bald.

Nickname(s): Hank, Captain Hook, The Brain, Kodos

My wife thinks he looks like: Daniel Sedin. It's uncanny.

If he touches the puck, expect a no-look backpass. Even if he's on a breakaway.

Expect to hear: "What a pass by Henrik!"

Don't expect to hear: "Henrik's playing like crap. That's his fourth assist on the night, but they're all second assists."

Name: Jeff Tambellini

About: Tambellini wears #10 and plays wing. He's the son of Edmonton Oilers general manager Steve Tambellini. He's a small, lightning-fast and versatile forward who has defied the odds and earned a spot in the lineup. He's listed at 5'10", a generous exaggeration, much like Ke$ha being sold in "music" stores.

Nickname(s): Tamby

My wife thinks he looks like: Former Canuck Ryan Johnson.

If he touches the puck, hope he's in his Magic Shooty Spot. He's money from there.

Expect to hear: "Can you believe the Islanders couldn't find ice time for this guy?"

Don't expect to hear: "He's so fast and small, he's difficult to follow on the ice. What if we put a microchip in him, so he would glow?"

Name: Raffi Torres

About: Torres wears #13 and plays wing. He has a fondness for bone-crunching hits. Torres has three modes. 1) skateskateskateskate 2) get puck and 3) put puck. He often doesn't put much consideration into his methods, though get puck usually involves sub-mode ram.

Nickname(s): Raffi Torrid, the Eyebrowless Ginger. But really, his given name is Raffi. Why bother with silly nicknames?

My wife thinks he looks like: Bubba the Caveduck. Also, confusion personified.

If he touches the puck, hope it's a tip in front. He's good at that. Hope it isn't while carrying the puck across the blue line. Nobody breaks up an odd-man rush like Torres.

Expect to hear: "Torres is a human bowling ball."

Don't expect to hear: "I think Torres is overthinking things."

Name: Aaron Volpatti

About: Volpatti wears #54 and plays wing. He's a fourth-line guy who plays with an edge and hits everything in sight. He's incredibly sneaky. Like Tanner Glass, he's an Ivy Leaguer; he did four years at Brown University. Just like Brown is Dartmouth-lite (at least when comparing basic science facilities, y'all), Volpatti is Tanner Glass-lite.

Nickname(s): Peppermint, the Volpaddy Wagon

My wife thinks he looks like: Jake Ryan, from Sixteen Candles.

If he touches the puck, you're probably at an open practice, watching a drill. That doesn't happen during games.

Expect to hear: "Big hit by Volpatti!"

Don't expect to hear: "Volpatti scores!"

:::::::::::::::::::: DEFENSEMEN ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Andrew Alberts

About: Alberts wears #41. He's a 6'5" defenseman that loves to take the body. After a rough start in Vancouver, he worked on his game in the offseason and did well to make the team out of training camp. He's a solid bottom-pairing guy that will make a forward think twice about putting his head down.

Nickname(s): Andy Alby, AHLberts, NHLberts, A Minor, Barabbas

My wife thinks he looks like: Dennis Duffy, ex-boyfriend of 30 Rock's Liz Lemon and the last pager salesman in New York.

If he touches the puck, pray it's a brief touch. If this touch last longer than two seconds, he's on his ass and the opponent just got the puck back.

Expect to hear: "What a hit by Alberts!"

Don't expect to hear: "That Alberts has wheels."

Name: Keith Ballard

About: Ballard wears #4. The Canucks acquired him this offseason by trading away a first-round pick, which is a bigger deal now that the Canucks seem to know what to do with first-round picks. Ballard makes over four million a season, which is scandalous, considering he's the 5th defenseman. Ballard loves to skate the puck out of the zone. The only thing he loves more is pranks. He's a noted prankster, who once hilariously climbed into Kevin Bieksa's hockey bag. He also once hilariously bludgeoned his goaltender with his stick.

Nickname(s): Hips, Pranky, Power Ballard

My wife thinks he looks like: Snatch's Mickey O'Neil.

If he touches the puck, hope he doesn't make a mistake with it, or Vigneault will make him sit on his hands for the rest of the game.

Expect to hear: "What a hip check."

Don't expect to hear: "I'm comfortable paying $4.2 million for fifteen minutes of Keith Ballard."

Name: Kevin Bieksa

About: Bieksa wears #3. He's the most divisive defenseman Vancouver has had in some time. At his best, he could fit comfortably into any team's top four. At his worst, he does the double slide. Still, after fully recovering from two freak skate cuts that really set back his game, Bieksa's playing his best hockey, and once-skeptical fans are beginning to fall back in love.

Nickname(s): Juice, Boom Boom Bieksa

My wife thinks he looks like: Kevin Bieksa's brother.

If he touches the puck: He probably just pinched along the boards to keep the puck in. Nobody pinches as frequently as Kevin Bieksa. He's the grandma of the NHL.

Expect to hear: "Trade Bieksa! No wait, keep Bieksa!"

Don't expect to hear: "I never doubted this guy for a second."

Name: Alex Edler

About: Edler wears #23 and just might be the Canucks' number one defenseman. He's certainly the most well-rounded, capable of jumping into the rush, quarterbacking a power play, and playing a physical game. Like most Swedes, Edler hardly emotes, but consider that he has a reputation as an unemotional guy in a dressing room full of Swedes. In short, he's a cold, callous monster.

Nickname(s): Iceman, Robot, Dexter Morgan, Eddie

My wife thinks he looks like: Nick Carter.

If he touches the puck, hope he cranks it. He's got the hardest slap shot on the team.

Expect to hear: "Edler has remarkable versatility."

Don't expect to hear: "Edler has remarkable versatility as a dramatic actor."

Name: Christian Ehrhoff

About: Ehrhoff wears #5 and is one half of the Canucks' most offense-oriented defensive pairing, with Alex Edler. Ehrhoff is faster and less physical of the two, and loves to jump into the rush.

Nickname(s): Error, Hoffer, Blastoff, The Hoff

My wife thinks he looks like: John Robinson of Gus Van Sant's Elephant.

If he touches the puck, he has interpreted this touch as an open invitation to join the rush. He's gone.

Expect to hear: "Ehrhoff's caught up ice."

Don't expect to hear: "Nobody develops better hockey players than Germany."

Name: Dan Hamhuis

About: Hamhuis wears #2 and is one half of the Canucks' shutdown defensive pairing, with Kevin Bieksa. Hamhuis is a stay-at-home type who makes smart plays, has a good stick, and moves the puck out of the zone quickly. He's a strait-laced guy who does things quietly and admirably, both on and off the ice. He's noted for his Christianity and charity work.

Nickname(s): The Hammer, Hammy

My wife thinks he looks like: He's got a bit of a Mark Ruffalo thing going on.

If he touches the puck, he'll make a crisp pass out of the zone and you probably won't even notice.

Expect to hear: "Did you hear Hamhuis took less to play here? Only 4.5 million, what a guy."

Don't expect to hear: "I think Hamhuis really needs to step up his community efforts and renounce Satan."

Name: Aaron Rome

About: Rome wears #29 and is typically the seventh defenseman on the Canucks' depth chart. He's not really good at anything, but he also doesn't make a lot of mistakes. He's a solid depth guy.

Nickname(s): Aaron "Aaron Rome" Rome

My wife thinks he looks like: Launchpad McQuack.

If he touches the puck, he'll make the safe play. Rome is so conservative he doesn't school opponents--he homeschools opponents.

Expect to hear: "Aaron Rome banks the puck off the boards."

Don't expect to hear: "I thought Aaron Rome was really noticeable tonight."

Name: Sami Salo

About: Salo wears #6 and is the longest-serving member of the Canucks' blueline corps. He's a walking calamity, more prone to mysterious disaster than ships passing through the Bermuda Triangle. He's the Canucks' best defenseman when healthy, but "when healthy" is a fancy way to say "never."

Nickname(s): Casper, Sami Solo, Salpa, Mr. Glass, Hurty McOuchie

My wife thinks he looks like: The ghost of Boo Radley.

If he touches the puck, every tendon in his body just ruptured a little.

Expect to hear: "For goodness' sake, Salo, stay out of the corner!"

Don't expect to hear: "Don't worry. Jason Botchford just tweeted that Salo's okay."

Name: Chris Tanev

About: Tanev is a call-up from the Canucks' AHL affiliate, the Manitoba Moose. Only two years ago, he was playing for the Markham Waxers of the OJHL (sidenote: not OJ Simpson's hockey league). Tanev went from there to the Rochester Institute of Technology. He's the first guy to make the NHL out of their program, which is a little like making the NHL after four years at the Emily Carr Institute.

Nickname(s): Who?

My wife thinks he looks like: Battlestar Galactica's Chief Tyrol.

If he touches the puck, it's a learning opportunity for everyone.

Expect to hear: "Who is Chris Tanev? Is he Russian?"

Don't expect to hear: "I know a lot about Chris Tanev."

:::::::::::::::::::: GOALTENDERS ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Roberto Luongo

About: Luongo wears #1, and is, appropriately, Canucks' number one goaltender. He used to be the captain, but he didn't really like it. Now he just stops pucks. He's pretty good at it. Don't listen to the people who tell you he isn't.

Nickname(s): Funny Bob, Louie, Bobby Lou,

My wife thinks he looks like: Sacha Baron Cohen.

If he touches the puck, you're supposed to yell "Looooooo!", no matter the context.

Expect to hear: He's overpaid! He's overrated! He didn't come out for his first star salute! Luongo kicks puppies!"

Don't expect to hear: "Luongo's salary is none of my business and I know nothing about the goaltending position, anyway."

Name: Cory Schneider

About: Schneider wears #35. He's the backup goaltender. Schneider has slowly worked his way up to the NHL by way of college and the AHL. He now appears ready for a full-time starting job. He won't get it in Vancouver, so he's really auditioning for a role somewhere else.

Nickname(s): Ginger Jesus, Schneids, Frecklesnoot

My wife thinks he looks like: Patrick Renna, star of The Big Green.

If he touches the puck, he just made a routine save, so brace yourself for a goaltending controversy.

Expect to hear: "Cory Schneider would have made that save. And he did. Because he's in goal tonight."

Don't expect to hear: "I miss Dany Sabourin."

Is a Canuck missing from this cheat sheet? Check the Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet Appendix.