The Chicago Blackhawks Are Bad

After two consecutive playoff oustings, you'd think it would be difficult to find a Vancouver Canucks fan who has anything but ill will for the Chicago Blackhawks. Unfortunately, this isn't the case, as some people think the Blackhawks are all right. Yes, some people have a hard time hating a team with plenty of ties to the West Coast. Some people watched Jonathan Toews lead Canada to an Olympic gold medal, and they think he's A-okay. And some people simply have the Blackhawks confused with other things. Good things. Things for which they feel fondness.

It's time to clear this up once and for all. People, hear me: the Chicago Blackhawks are bad. BAD. If you think they are good, you obviously have them confused with something else. That thing cannot possibly be the Blackhawks, because the Blackhawks are bad.

You may be thinking of Black Hawk, the Lakota artist whose 76 colour drawings are a part of Native American ledger art history. Black Hawk is admirable and sympathetic, especially since he was killed in the Wounded Knee Massacre of 1890. If you feel admiration and sympathy, you're likely thinking of Black Hawk. You couldn't possibly be thinking of the Chicago Blackhawks, who are neither admirable nor sympathetic. They are the worst kind of bad. They're named after atrocities.

Consider the Black Hawk Purchase, a land acquisition made in what is now Iowa. This purchase came on the heels of the Black Hawk War, during which Sauk chief Black Hawk was taken prisoner. It was during Black Hawk's captivity that the land was sold, so one would assume he had little bargaining power. He also didn't get a fair shake from historians, who tell us that his motives for waging this dispute were "ambiguous," although there's hardly much ambiguity about defending one's property.

Leave it to the white man to extort land and distort history, right? Well, you know who has a lot of white men? The Chicago Blackhawks, who have compounded Black Hawk's humiliation by stealing his name. You know what's not ambiguous? The badness of the Chicago Blackhawks.

Still think the Blackhawks are good? You must be confused. Maybe you're thinking of Black Hawk Down, the Ridley Scott film about a fallen Black Hawk helicopter. Rotten Tomatoes tells us that 77% of critics felt this film was "fresh". However, this film was produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and stars Josh Hartnett. Here's another film on which they collaborated: Pearl Harbour. That film was historically bad. Also bad? The Chicago Blackhawks, who, sources say, knew about the plan to bomb Pearl Harbour and didn't tell anybody.

Okay, that's not true. But that doesn't make them any less bad. They're quite bad.

If you think the Blackhawks are good, you're probably thinking of the Atlanta Blackhawks, the San Francisco Bay Blackhawks, the Waterloo Blackhawks, the Iowa Blackhawks or the Plattling Black Hawks. What do all these teams have in common? If you think it's their nickname, you're wrong. It's the fact that they are all less bad than the Chicago Blackhawks.

You may be thinking of Nighthawks, the classic Edward Hopper painting. Makes sense. It's located at the Art Institute of Chicago, which, like the Blackhawks, is in Chicago, but, unlike the Blackhawks, is good. The Blackhawks are bad, like the Great Chicago Fire, which destroyed the Art Institute's original building in 1871. Were the Chicago Blackhawks involved? Perhaps; they're bad. Are they arsonists? They've never gone record saying they're not.

If you still think the Blackhawks are good, it's possible you're confusing them with some other kind of hawk. Kitty Hawk, perhaps? That North Carolina city is near where the Wright brothers first flew airplanes. That was good, but do you know who later flew airplanes? Terrorists, who are bad. And don't think I'm actively trying to get you to associate the Chicago Blackhawks with terrorism, but they did hold a public demonstration of some sort in the streets of Chicago last July. Was it a terrorist rally? We simply don't know.

You may also be thinking of Nighthawks at the Diner, the classic Tom Waits album based on Edward Hopper's painting. Tom Waits is good. Unfortunately, whenever you think of early period Tom Waits, you run the risk of thinking about Billy Joel, to whom Waits was compared in the late seventies. Billy Joel is bad. What do Billy Joel and the Chicago Blackhawks have in common? No redeeming qualities.

I could go on. It's also possible you're thinking of blackjack, Jack Black, backhoes, backlogs, backrubs, black hats, black cats, back catalogs, black ops, black cod, black hogs, hockey, Hawkeye, bedrock, Beck, or Black Bond Books. Frankly, you sound confused, so here's a simple maxim to get you through: whatever you're thinking of, it's better than the Chicago Blackhawks.

In closing, the Chicago Blackhawks are bad.

2011 Round One Preview: Chicago Blackhawks

Let's make sure, whatever we do, this never happens again.

For the third year in a row, the Vancouver Canucks will be facing the Chicago Blackhawks in the Stanley Cup playoffs. After two ignominious defeats in the second round, this year the Canucks will get the chance to exorcise their playoff demons in round one. The match-up is one the media, fans, and players have been eagerly anticipating, but it's not exactly a pure re-match.

The Blackhawks of 2010-11 are not the Blackhawks of 2009-10. Last season, the Blackhawks were just plain better than the Canucks. In the off-season, however, due to some mismanagement of the cap by Dale Tallon, the Hawks said farewell to much of their vaunted depth. Gone are Ben Eager, Andrew Ladd, Kris Versteeg, Brent Sopel, Colin Fraser, Adam Burish, John Madden and Canuck nemesis Dustin Byfuglien. Gone, too, are both goaltenders from last season. Playoff hero Antti Niemi signed with the San Jose Sharks while Cristobal Huet was sent to Switzerland to eat chocolate, wear pocket watches, and design knives.

There are a lot of new faces on the Blackhawks this season, including long-time rival Marty Turco, who is a shell of his former self. Goaltending duties will instead be handled by rookie Corey Crawford, who has performed admirably, posting a .918 SV% and a 2.27 GAA. Turco, on the other hand, has had a terrible year, posting career lows in save percentage and goals against average. Other new faces include Viktor Stalberg, acquired in the Versteeg trade with the Leafs, Michael Frolik, acquired from the Florida Panthers, and Ryan Johnson. Yes, that Ryan Johnson. Mr. Purple Shins is now sporting a Blackhawks jersey.

Still, the core of the team has remained intact despite the multitude of moves made around them. Toews, Kane, Sharp, and Hossa anchor a potent offence that finished 4th in the league in goals-for, just 4 goals behind the Canucks. They also boast the leading minute-muncher in the NHL in Duncan Keith, who averages almost 27 minutes per game. While he took a step back from last year's Norris-winning season, particularly defensively, he still put up 45 points. Meanwhile, his partner on defense, Brent Seabrook, surpassed him with a career high 48 points.

Honestly, I am shocked that the Blackhawks fell to 8th: I predicted they wouldn't and anticipated a potential second-round match-up against the Stanley Cup Champions, just for its poetic nature. The Blackhawks are too good a team to be the 8th seed. Their +33 goal differential is good for 7th in the NHL, 3rd in the Western Conference. Their first line is stupendous, their second line is dangerous, and their powerplay is potent. So what are they doing in 8th?

The issue, of course, is lack of depth. Their defense behind Keith, Seabrook, and Campbell is suspect. Their bottom-six is sketchy and often unreliable. These two issues combined explain their terrible penalty killing, which is 25th in the league.

As Harrison pointed out earlier this season, the depth players for the Blackhawks last season are making big contributions to their respective teams this season. Andrew Ladd was named captain in Atlanta and led the Thrashers in scoring. Second in team scoring was Dustin Byfuglien, who thrived on the opportunity to play defense again, finishing 4th in the NHL in points amongst defensemen. Kris Versteeg scored 46 points between the Leafs and the Flyers, Brent Sopel blocked 152 shots and led the Thrashers in shorthanded time-on-ice before being traded to the Canadiens, and John Madden led the Minnesota Wild in shorthanded time-on-ice amongst forwards. When you take away these quality players from the Blackhawks, they become a lesser team.

That's not to say that the Blackhawks will be easy to beat in round one of the playoffs; they are still a dangerous team, particularly on the powerplay. But the Canucks have been a dominant team all season, winning the President's Trophy while finishing first in both goals-for and goals-against. Which reminds me: there's one other big difference between last season's Blackhawks and this season's.

This year, the Blackhawks are the underdogs.

Top 5 Canuck Hipchecks of 2010-11

Some say the hipcheck is a lost art in the NHL, but you'd be hard pressed to find a Vancouver fan that feels this way. The offseason additions of Keith Ballard and Dan Hamhuis, two defenders that love to hip check, made going wide versus the Canucks a downright dicey proposition. Eventually, even Aaron Rome fell in love with the hit, giving the Canucks three guys who could surprise with a hipcheck at seemingly any moment. The result: perhaps the only team in the NHL for whom the hipcheck was common.

I'm not sure Canucks fans realized how spoiled they were this season. With that in mind, PITB has compiled a countdown of the five finest hipchecks thrown by the boys in blue and green in the 2010-11:

5 Keith Ballard on Viktor Stalberg

This is a perfectly timed hit, as Ballard comes across the defensive zone to meet Stalberg at the exact moment he reaches the puck. Stalberg is likely expecting a simply bodycheck, but Ballard turns and throws the hip into him instead, absolutely stapling him to the boards.

4 Aaron Rome on Ladislav Smid

Rome didn't hipcheck much last season, but Hamhuis and Ballard have clearly inspired him. This is his best of many thrown hips, as he steps into Smid and earns extra points on the follow through.

3 Keith Ballard on Evgeni Malkin

This is a monster hip check on a monster guy. It's also a beautiful defensive play. Malkin's beaten a lot of d-men one on one with his size and speed, but Ballard recovers quickly to take away his lane, then takes the big Penguins center to the corner with a completely unexpected hit.

2 Dan Hamhuis on Douglas Murray

My goodness, this is a beautiful hit. Hamhuis times this perfectly, leading Murray to the boards with his body position, and then sending him ass over teakettle the moment he reaches the glass.

1 Keith Ballard on Drew Miller

The finest hipcheck of the year comes when Keith Ballard steps into Drew Miller. It's similar to the one Ballard put on Malkin, but this one is downright obscene. Miller goes flying, and the look on his face when he gets up is priceless. He has no idea what just happened.

- - - - - - - - - - Bonus Hipchecks! - - - - - - - - - -

If those five stellar hipchecks aren't enough for you, or if maybe you thought I was kidding when I said the hit was common in Vancouver, here are ten more.

• Keith Ballard on Niclas Wallin
• Keith Ballard on Carlo Colaiacovo
• Keith Ballard on Ales Hemsky
• Keith Ballard on Tomas Kopecky
• Keith Ballard on David Krejci
• Dan Hamhuis on Jakub Voracek
• Dan Hamhuis on Tom Gilbert
• Aaron Rome on Sean Avery
• Aaron Rome on Antoine Vermette
• Aaron Rome on JF Jacques

Was This Goal a Set Play?

Here's a basic principle for watching the Sedins: they never do anything by accident. Often times, the twins will pull off something so unthinkable that you'd be forgiven for deeming it a fluke. It never is. Rather, it's a set play from two eternal optimists--guys convinced everything they try will work. Usually it does.

With that in mind, take a look at Alex Burrows's goal from last night's season-ending matchup with the Calgary Flames. At first glance, it looks like an accident: Daniel Sedin comes out from behind the net and tries to go top corner with a shot. Instead, he misses wide and hits Alex Burrows in the gut. The puck falls in front of Burr and he taps it in. But that's not actually what you see. This was a set play, executed to perfection. Here are three items of argumentative proof:

1. Daniel Sedin's shot isn't that poor. Daniel proved at this year's All-Star Skills competition that he's one of the league's most accurate shooters. Furthermore, when he comes out from behind the net, he tends to put the puck exactly where he wants to.

Now, you'd be forgiven for assuming this is a shot, especially since it's four feet in the air, but watch the overhead angle at 0:37 of the clip: the puck goes straight across the crease. Either this is the worst miss of Daniel's career, or the puck goes where he wanted it to. On second glance, it looks like Daniel Sedin meant to put it exactly where it went--into Alex Burrows's glove.

2. The Sedins love that high pass. Each year, the twins return from the offseason with a new series of plays, and it appears they spent last summer focusing on how best to utilize all that undefended space above the ice. All season long, we've seen obscenely high saucer passes, such as on this powerplay goal versus the Stars.

We've also seen a new arsenal of full-blown football-style lob passes. This year, a common occurrence during Sedin shifts has been a high pass across one or more zones meant to be caught and dropped onto the stick of the receiver. We saw it in this goal versus the Oilers, where Alex Burrows shows he's a good student, lobbing a backhand pass over the defensive and neutral zones to spring Daniel and Henrik for a two-on-one at the offensive blue line.

We see another use of the high pass in the clip above, when Daniel gets the puck past two Calgary defenders by putting it four feet in the air.

3. There's a precedent for this play. This goal bears something of a resemblance to Marian Hossa's goal from last season, where he snags the puck out of mid-air then drops it and slaps it in, all in one fell swoop. Burrows does the same thing in this clip after Daniel's pass goes right into his glove.

Granted, Burr doesn't convert it with Hossa's fluidity, but what he lacks in grace, he makes up for in intention. Where Hossa is improvising, Burrows and Daniel are executing a planned play.

That's sort of impressive, no? Many people are talking about the Sedins' other goal on the night: a setup for Ryan Kesler that tied the game at two. That, too, was a beautiful passing play, but while you're marvelling over that one, be sure to give this one another look. It might have been prettier.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Flames, April 10, 2011

Canucks 3 - 2 Flames (OT)

For the third time in the last four years, the Canucks and Flames found themselves paired up for game 82 with little on the line. Considering the lopsided outcome of the previous two season-enders, with the Flames walloping the Canucks 7-1 in 2008 and the Canucks matching that goal total in a 7-3 rout last year, one might have assumed that this contest wouldn't be lively or close. But it was. Like extramarital sex with a ghost, this one was a spirited affair. After falling behind by two, Vancouver needed a third-period comeback and an overtime marker from Christian Ehrhoff to head into the postseason on a winning note. I watched this game:

• Also a winning note: C.

• Just like last year, Daniel and Henrik combined for an absolute beauty in the final game of the season, setting up Ryan Kesler for the game-tying goal (above). This one adhered to the Third Law of Sedinery, which says that the Sedins will always make one more pass than is necessary. Consider: Daniel is in behind the defense. Most other players cut to the net in this instance for what is routinely called a breakaway. Instead, Daniel goes wide, drawing both defenders to him, then makes a backpass through four guys to Henrik, who finds Kesler trailing the play. Seriously. The Sedins are the only guys that find trailers on breakaways. These guys love trailers. They have to be a half hour early for every movie, that's how much they love trailers.

• The assist was Daniel Sedin's second of the night, after a centring pass that allowed Alex Burrows to cut the lead in half. With that, Daniel finishes the season with 104 points, good for the Art Ross trophy. He truly was out for blood. Now, it may be eight less than his brother scored last season, but it's also ten more than his brother scored this season. Suck on that, Henrik.

• I love Kevin Weekes' liberal use of the word literally. He's like Rob Lowe in Parks & Recreation. Consider this Weekes-ism, following an early third-period assault from the Canucks: Alain Vigneault obviously did some fine work in this intermission because the Canucks have come out on fire literally. Hmm. I can tell you that, if the Canucks came out from their locker room and they were literally on fire, the broadcast would have taken a markedly different turn.

• There were seven slashing penalties in this game. Seven. Seven! This one had more slashes than a complicated URL. The worst of these was a Henrik Sedin two-hander that seemed relatively out of character Captain Hook, typically known for more passive stick infractions. Slashing is more of Mikael Samuelsson's thing. Now, one might argue that, if Sammy's so slashy, how come he wasn't called for a slash in this slashiest of games? Remember that his third period roughing penalty came when he was pulled out of a scrum he started with a slash. Yes, Mikael Samuelsson slashes like Wal-Mart. Know what else has a lot of slashes? This paragraph. Slash slash slash.

• Alex Burrows isn't known for his skating, but it's hard to miss his improvement in this area. It really stood out during a first period penalty kill, where he won a puck battle, then took the puck around his net and blew the zone with possession. Then, after putting a shot on goal, Burrows managed to be the first forward back, in perfect position to intercept a weak pass from Olli Jokinen. Some beautiful strides during this sequence. For a guy who used to look like he was the only player on the ice wearing roller blades, Burrows has come a long way.

• That said, he's still Alex Burrows. Consider a third period altercation with Jarome Iginla where he goaded Iginla into dropping the gloves, only to forget to reciprocate. Whoops. I suspect Burrows' passion for winning turds stems from the fact that he sort of is one.

• It was fabulous to see all six members of the Canucks' defense finally combine to form Mega Dragonzord. They were a little too reliant on stretch passes last night, but the promise of this group is hard to ignore. Any one of them can spring a guy at any time. Another good way to spring a guy? Have a girl walk in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face.

• Congratulations to Christian Ehrhoff on collecting his 50th point of the campaign on the overtime winner. Ehrhoff has had a fabulous season, and now becomes the first Canucks' defenseman in 15 years to reach the 50-point plateau. Henrik Karlsson was upset about the goal, feeling he'd been interfered with. Unfortunately, the refs didn't buy it, maybe because claiming Mason Raymond interfered with you is a little like claiming Jesus drank all the wine.

• Aaron Rome actually didn't look too bad playing wing on the 4th line. He had 3 shots, 4 hits and a takeaway, as well as a few decent scoring chances. In truth, Rome acquitted himself nicely enough that this could potentially be an option in the playoffs. It might be a nice way to ensure that the Canucks don't find themselves, after an injury, playing with five d-men in the late stages of an important game. Sidenote: at one point, I was concerned Rome's strong play might earn him a few extra shifts, somehow managing to give him more minutes than Keith Ballard, even as a fourth-line winger.

• There was a brief scare during the first period, when Ryan Kesler headed to the dressing room with an apparent knee injury. Mind you, you had to know he was coming back. When I was a child, I had a posable MC Hammer doll, and my brother popped off its legs, then reattached them backwards, so Hammer's knee bent up towards his stomach. If that had happened to Kesler's knee, he would still have returned. Rule of thumb: if Kesler doesn't leave the game via medicopter, he'll be back soon.

• This was Cory Schneider's 25th appearance of the season, and by allowing fewer than eight goals, he has officially won a share of the Jennings trophy with Roberto Luongo. Schneider's play this season has been fabulous, but I hope this was his last game as a Canuck. A playoff appearance means something has gone horribly wrong, and a return as Lou's backup next season would be beneath him. One could easily argue Schneider is the best rookie goalie in the NHL. He finishes fifth in the league with a 2.23 goals against average, and his .929 save percentage is good for third. In fact, his performance last night bumped his save percentage one point better than Luongo's, dropping the Canucks' starter to fourth in the category. This parting blow may affect Luongo's outside shot at a Vezina nomination, as the "top three in wins, GAA, and SV%" argument is now dead. Think Luongo regrets lobbying for Schneider to get 25 appearances now?

• And finally, someone threw a salmon onto the ice again. Clearly, no one is listening to me.

From the Archives: Tomorrow's Headlines Today

On Friday, October 8th, 2010, the day before the puck dropped to begin the Canucks' regular season, we at PITB made some bold predictions about the headlines this season of hockey might generate. With the regular season set to expire after tonight's HNIC tilt with the Calgary Flames, we thought it might be a good idea to go back and see how many if these predictions turned out to be stone-cold prophecies.

As it turns out, the answer is one. Exactly six months ago yesterday, I predicted that Raffi Torres would be suspended four games for a headshot. No lie, I sailed right into the mystic on that one. You'll forgive me if I quit my job, invest in small tent, some hanging beads and a dry ice machine, and begin plying my trade as a carnival seer. Looks like I've got the psychic goods.

But don't take my word for it. Check it out for yourself, and maybe ignore the other nineteen I got wrong. Anyway. Here, for your perusal, is Tomorrow's Headlines Today: This Season's Canuck News, an original PITB article.

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Hey Mr. Tambellini, Play a Song For Me

Preferably something upbeat, with a catchy chorus.

At the beginning of the season, Jeff Tambellini looked like a young hotshot poised for a breakout season. After struggling to work his way into the lineup, Tambellini found chemistry on the second line with Kesler and Raymond, forming a speedster trio that wreaked havoc on opposition defenses.

With 15 points (9 G, 6A) in his first 21 games with the Canucks, it looked like Gillis had found a cheap replacement for the departed Michael Grabner. Their similar attributes - speed and an accurate wristshot - made the two players seem eminently comparable: last season, Grabner had 11 points in 20 games with the big club, so it seemed, at the time, that Tambellini was even better, especially when Grabner was waived by the Florida Panthers out of training camp.

Tambellini capped off his first 21 games with a 6-game point-scoring streak in December, culminating in a contest on December 28th against the Philadelphia Flyers in which he took a game-high 9 shots, finished +2, and even won a faceoff for good measure. He managed all of this in just 13:18 of ice time.

Since that date, he has a grand total of 2 points in his last 40 games, both assists. He hasn't registered a point since February 2nd against the Phoenix Coyotes.

Last night, in a rout of the Minnesota Wild, Tambellini played only 13 shifts, for a grand total of 8:33 of ice time. While he previously appeared to be a source for secondary scoring, he's become a spare part that will likely see plenty of press-box time in the playoffs once Raffi Torres returns.

With his scoring touch disabled and his magic shooty spot cursed, Tambellini has been shuffled down to the fourth line when he's in the game at all. There, he's struggled to provide a contribution, managing 112 hits on the season, but rarely making much of an impact with his small frame. Meanwhile, the player that seemed so eminently comparable has exploded for the New York Islanders: Grabner has 33 goals this season and has launched himself into the Calder Trophy debate.

So what happened? How does a player go from being so effective to so defective?

To be perfectly honest, I'm not quite sure. Certainly, his ice-time has dropped, but he was able to score in limited minutes prior to his slump and has been given opportunities several times since. He has still been willing to get to the dirty areas of the ice and still forechecks with speed. He's shooting the puck less - he averaged 2.333 shots per game through his first 21 games and 1.625 shots per game during his slump - but much of this can be attributed to the decrease in his ice-time.

While I may not have the answer for why Tambellini has fallen into such a funk, I can admit that I should have seen it coming. In 2009-10 with the Islanders, Tambellini scored 10 points (7G, 3A) in his first 15 games. He managed 4 points, all assists, in his remaining 20 games. In 2008-09, Tambellini split up his slumps, starting the season with only 2 points in his first 24 games, before scoring 4 points in 8 games. He followed that up with 0 points in 13 games, then a hot streak of 5 points in 4 games, then rounded out the season with 4 points in his final 16 games.

Jeff Tambellini is the definition of a streaky player. He'll heat up for brief stretches where he will show flashes of why he was a first round pick in 2003 (taken just 4 picks after Ryan Kesler), but then will struggle mightily for long periods of time. This is arguably the worst slump of Tambellini's career and there doesn't seem to be any indication he'll be able to break out of it any time soon. That said, he's entering the Stanley Cup Playoffs for the first time in his career, which can have a strange effect on some players.

With Raffi Torres suspended, Tambellini will likely get a chance to play in at least the first two games of the first round, albeit on the fourth line. With a strong playoff performance, he could potentially get re-signed in the off-season, but at this point it seems unlikely. At the age of 26, he's looking less and less like a young player with potential and more and more like another Jason Krog, who his point totals in the AHL and NHL are beginning to strongly resemble.