It's Okay to be Optimistic

I understand some Canucks fans are wary of the playoffs: with only two Stanley Cup Final appearances in the team's 40 year existence and no victories, most Canucks fans have a pessimistic outlook, just waiting for something to go wrong. And certainly things have gone wrong in the past. We've seen a dream playoff run ended by a goal post. We've seen an Art Ross trophy and a division championship choked away. We've seen Nicklas Lidstrom score from center. We've see Luongo lose focus. We've seen them lose in the second round to the Blackhawks. Twice. In a row. And that's just recent history.

So I get it, I really do. For many years the pessimism has been a realistic and fair reaction to the performance and history of the team. So I want to let you know, because it's completel atypical and likely goes against everything you've ever believed about the Canucks: it's okay to be optimistic.

It's okay to think this could be it, they could really do it this time, or this is our year. It's okay. Yes, it's okay to say "this is our year." It's optimism. It's okay.

And it's not misplaced optimism. Sure, the Canucks might not win the Cup this year and that will be disappointing, but there's no need to expect it or, as some fans appear to be doing, accepting it as an inevitability. We are witnessing the greatest regular season in Canucks history. They have already broken team records in points and wins. They have already locked up first place in the Western Conference. With a win tonight and a loss by the Flyers, the Canucks could have the President's Trophy secured before any other team in the West has nailed down a playoff spot.

The Canucks are first in goals, first in goals against, first in powerplay percentage, first in penalty kill percentage, and first in faceoff percentage. They also have in their employ the league leader in points, two of the top five goalscorers, and three of the top ten leaders in plus/minus. Their starting goaltender is top-five in the NHL in save percentage, goals against average, and wins. Their backup goaltender has almost identical stats, with just a slightly better save percentage and winning percentage.

They haven't lost in regulation to the Detroit Red Wings and San Jose Sharks, the two teams immediately below them in the standings. They haven't lost 4 games in a row in regulation all season. They haven't had their top-six defensemen on the ice at the same time all year and they just keep winning.

Look, I'm not trying to cheerlead. I'm not trying to pump up the bandwagon. I'm not trying to be a fanboy. I'm just giving you permission: be optimistic. Embrace it. Keep calm and be optimistic. Really, it's okay.

It's okay.

Aaron Rome's Teammates Help Him Shave

PITB is all about classic, old-school, screwball comedy, so you know any time someone takes a gob to the gob, we're gonna be all over it. Here's an Aaron Rome postgame interview that comes to an abrupt halt when Kevin Bieksa, Tanner Glass, and Raffi Torres, doing their best Ryan Kesler impressions as they peer from behind the curtain, successfully conspire to smear shaving cream all over Rome's cheeks. It's a well-executed prank, probably because Keith Ballard isn't involved.

The irony is that this is probably the only time the media will ever be interested enough in Aaron Rome to interview him, and his teammates just ruined it. Later, they went out to Red Robin, told the waitress it was Rome's birthday, then threw the free sundae on the ground.

So what's the occasion for such jubilation? In his 100th game with the organization, Rome finally tallied his first goal as a Canuck, a 200-foot empty netter to seal a win in Nashville. This is only the second NHL goal of his career, and clearly, it's been a long time coming: the gleeful response from his teammates as the puck drifts over the goal line is classic. You'd have thought they were in the audience for Oprah's Favourite Things.

While Rome has all the makings of a lifelong NHL journeyman (he flies under the radar, his effort exceeds his talent, he's nearly bald at 27), he's found a home in Vancouver for the meantime. He's made some big contributions to this historic season, spending a substantial chunk of it playing a top four role because of the injuries the Canuck have suffered on the back end. All things considered, Rome probably deserves a look for the year-end unsung hero award, but most of the attention he's received for his tireless effort has been flack for getting so many minutes. Shame on you, everyone.

Anyway, it's nice to see him get a little positive recognition.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Predators, March 29, 2011

Canucks 3 - 1 Predators

The two of us have differing views on goaltender's duels. Keep in mind: Harrison enjoys basketball; Skeeter enjoys soccer. Our opinions regarding tight-checking, low-scoring affairs echo these tastes. This is also why, during games, Skeeter often screams more slide tackles! and Harrison often screams more black people! But we digress. [We] watched this game:

• With tonight's victory, the Canucks improved their record against the Predators to two wins and two losses, sewing up the Western Conference in the process. With five games yet to play, this leaves plenty of time to finish up other, neglected sewing projects. Henrik promised Daniel that he would sew Anna a new pair of booties. Mikael Samuelsson's lucky underwear needs patching. Alex Burrows is making a snood.

• It's official. Aaron Rome has his first goal as a Canuck (above), which could either be used as evidence that he doesn't deserve the icetime he's been getting, or maybe as an explanation for why he's been getting it: Alain Vigneault's been determined to get him that goal all season. Apart from Rome, nobody was more excited to see him score than Keith Ballard, whose minutes will finally skyrocket to seventeen.

• It's been awhile since Alex Burrows took it upon himself to win da turd. Tonight, he scored two goals in the final frame, doing just that. Like Seth Rogen in Knocked Up, Burrows only has one move. That's the umpteenth time he's gone backhand on the breakaway. Burrows is predictable, yes, but goalies can't afford to predict and shade left. He sucks at skating, so they have to respect the possibility that he might fall down and have the puck roll to the opposite post.

• The game-tying goal--Burrows' first goal of the night--comes on some positively Wizardous Sedinerie. For the unobservant, this is a no-look bank pass to a one-timed no-look backhand saucer pass to a mid-air one-timer. Nothing but net. This is Bird/Jordan stuff; Burrows wins the Big Mac. Mind you, in Örnsköldsvik, they learn this in peewee.

• Like Mason Raymond and Ryan Kesler, Alex Burrows and Shane O'Brien are clearly besties. In a previous version of the plan, O'Brien and Burrows moved to London together and shared a flat. Instead, the plan changed, and they were separated by forces beyond their control. They spent the whole night fighting hat-wearing agents to retake control of their own destiny. (This is the movie we're referencing. Yeah, we don't recommend it.)

• To explain: Burrows and O'Brien engaged multiple times in post-whistle scrums. The most entertaining moment was the time they were separated by both linesmen, and still waved at each other, smiling and chirping like the birds that circle Uncle Remus in Song of the South, the most racist Disney movie ever. Having seen Pocahontas and Aladdin, that's saying a lot.

• In the first period, the Sportsnet crew showed a graphic with pictures of Alain Vigneault and Barry Trotz, their impressive win/loss records, and the caption, "Hottest in the NHL". That is not a caption that goes above pictures of those two guys, for what should be obvious reasons.

• Roberto Luongo was really good, huh? He's been doing that lately. Despite having to make only 16 saves, Luongo earned third star honours, because a lot of them were tough saves, like Alice Cooper or Brian "Head" Welch. Of note: Head Joins the Body is the greatest headline ever.

• 5 of Nashville's 17 shots came from Jordin Tootoo. So really, they took 12 shots. Ha, just kidding, Tootoo's not too, too bad. Zing. Anyway, Daniel wants everyone to know he's ashamed of this bullet point.

• Despite looking absolutely dominant at several stages of the game, Ryan Kesler and Mason Raymond were the only minus players on the Canucks. The line of Kesler, Raymond, and Chris Higgins gave the Nashville defenders fits with their speed, board play, and rugged manliness, but couldn't generate a goal. They did, however, combine for 13 shots. They took more shots than Roy "Speedy" Harper.

• Frankly, a lot of their excellent work died on the stick of Aaron Rome, who can only hit the net when shooting from the opposite end of the ice, but he scored a goal tonight, so we'll save our grumbling for another night.

• Shocking stat of the night: Ryan Suter and Shea Weber both finished the game minus-3. Not so shocking stat: they both played over twenty-seven minutes. I guess when you're on the ice all night, there's a large chance you'll be on the ice for the opponent's goals.

• Upon seeing Sami Salo on the powerplay, Harrison commented that the Canucks weren't really missing Mikael Samuelsson. Then Victor Oreskovich jumped the boards with the Sedins.

• In truth, Oreskovich has been playing solid hockey since his call-up, and his turn on the first line while Alex Burrows rested, post penalty-kill, was a nice reward. While he only finished with 9:55 of icetime, that's almost three minutes more than Jeff Tambellini. When Tanner Glass returns, Oreskovich may be pleased to learn that he's earned a playoff roster spot. Pleased, that is, unless he thinks top line duty will be a regular occurrence.

• And finally, we've already mentioned Aaron Rome's goal, but we left out the best part: watch Henrik Sedin show true leadership by stretching out his arms to ensure nobody derails Rome's 200-footer. Granted, there's no one around him, but Kevin Love would be proud of this boxout. It's been said that the Canucks have nothing left to play for, but look how excited everyone is when this puck goes in. Other motivations aside, this team simply enjoys playing together.

The Awful Human Being Quiz Will Suss Out the Awful Human Beings

Most Canuck fans are good people. They just want to see their team win, and they're pretty used to that not happening. As a result, they're resigned, they're relaxed, and they have a tendency to keep their heads. Unfortunately, they are only the majority of Canucks fans, which means that, somewhere, there is a minority of insane, violent, awful human beings who happen to share a love for Vancouver's hockey team.

A word to this minority: we don't want you. You're bad. Go elsewhere.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: am I bad? Am I an awful human being? Perhaps. But we at PITB don't just want to leave you in the dark. We would like very much to help identify you. And then shun you.

With that in mind, we spent the weekend creating this very scientific quiz, which should help to evaluate how awful you are. It's only three questions long, so you should know if you're an awful human being within five minutes:

1. It's 1994. The Canucks have just fallen one goal short of winning the Stanley Cup, bringing great pride to the city of Vancouver with a performance for the ages. Do you:

a) Congratulate the team on making Vancouver proud

b) Destroy Vancouver

2. It's 2004. Todd Bertuzzi has just broken Steve Moore's neck. Do you:

a) Blame the guy who broke a guy's neck
b) Blame the guy whose neck just got broken

3. It's 2011. Theoren Fleury has just espoused his opinion that the Canucks are primed for a first-round playoff upset. Do you:
a) Respectfully disagree with him
b) Enable child molesters by persecuting a victim for speaking out about it

Yeah, if you answered B to any one of these three questions, we'd prefer if you took your fandom elsewhere. Oh. And if you answered B to all three, you're clearly Satan.

By the by, if you're a non-awful Vancouver fan with a question you think might help skim out the dreck, by all means, leave it in the comments.

20 Reasons Daniel Sedin Is Bad at Penalty Shots

"I suck at this."

With Daniel Sedin's failed penalty shot attempt Friday, the NHL scoring leader is now 0-for-4 in his career on penalty shots, and it's never really been close. He's bad at it. He's so bad at it that Alain Vigneault used this most recent non-goal as an example of why Daniel never gets a chance in the shootout. It's a strange anomaly, really, especially considering that Daniel Sedin is a pretty fabulous scorer. Furthermore, he's in possession of one of the NHL's most accurate shots. You'd think he'd be money in these situations, but it would seem penalty shots and shootouts just aren't particularly suited for his game. Here are 20 possible explanations:

1. Every time he leaves a drop pass for Henrik, the referee stops play.
   
   
2. You're not allowed to go back and start again if the shooting lane isn't just right.
   
   
3. It's way easier to score when you have to knock the puck out of mid-air while simultaneously getting crosschecked in the back by two guys.
   
   
4. It's really bizarre not having your identical twin brother who plays on the same team as you on the ice with you at all times. Yep, that's what's bizarre.
   
   
5. In Sweden, instead of penalty shots, the shooter and the goaltender race to see who can build a cheap bookshelf the fastest.
   
   
6. Without being able to see the back of Henrik's jersey, Daniel can't tell which one he is, and forgets he's the goal scorer.
   
   
7. With Alex Burrows seated on the bench instead of splayed across the crease, Daniel is always taken aback by the fact that the net has a goaltender.
   
   
8. The league won't let him tape a poster of Henrik to the glass behind the goal as a reference point.
   
   
9. It's hard to put much mustard on a one-timer from centre ice.
   
   
10. Right before he goes to shoot, Henrik pulls him aside and says, Last year, when I won the Hart, I scored on a penalty shot. Did you know that the H on the back of my jersey stands for Hart? Anyway, don't blow it.
    
    
11. He's never gotten a chance against Miikka Kiprusoff.
    
    
    
12. Every time he sets up shop behind the net, the referee stops play.
    
    
13. Typically, Daniel just mimics what Henrik does, but after thirty seconds of sitting at the bench giving his brother a puzzled look, the referee just declares it a save.
    
    
14. On penalty shots, you're not allowed to jam the puck in on the rebound. If you've ever seen Daniel Sedin play hockey, this one's not much of a mystery.
    
    
15. If Henrik doesn't get his assist, it gets the hose.
    
    
16. He's so used to looking for his brother and so disoriented from all the open area, he keeps accidentally passing to his reflection in the ice.
    
    
17. Once he gains the blue line, he stops and waits for Henrik. But Henrik never shows up. Daniel's really worried about him, actually.
    
    
18. The Sedins' creepy wizard powers are enhanced by their proximity to one another. With every stride away from the bench, Daniel becomes weaker.
    
    
19. Henrik says goals you score in a penalty shots don't count towards your season totals.
    
    
20. He wanted the powerplay.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Blue Jackets, March 27, 2011

Canucks 4 - 1 Blue Jackets

What's the remedy for a team that has very little left to play for? Pit them against a team that never has anything to play for. The Canucks coasted through yesterday's Sunday matinee game, and probably deserved a loss for such lackadaisical play, but it's pretty tough to outcoast the Blue Jackets, or, as Rick Nash knows them, the World Hockey Championships preseason tuneup squad. To the passive observer, this one looked like a battle of who could care less, so the outcome shouldn't surprise; Columbus has steeled themselves on many such battles. The Blue Jackets played their game perfectly, which means the Canucks won the game. And I watched this game:

• How can you tell that spending even a short period of time in Columbus absolutely crushes the human spirit? Check out Scottie Upshall's absentee stat line. When we last saw the man they call "Updog" (okay, they don't, but they should), he was playing his first game with the Blue Jackets, the day after a trade from the Phoenix try-hards. As of yet unspoiled, he scored a goal to go with six shots, two hits and a blocked shot, and was named the game's second star. A month later, Upshall's only contribution to the stat line was a won faceoff. You probably didn't even realize he was playing, and apparently, neither did he.

• Okay, seriously though, the Blue Jackets peppered the Canuck net with shots most of the afternoon. Unfortunately for them, Cory Schneider was in the net the whole time. He made a bevy of amazing saves, rightly earning first star honours and picking up his 15th win in his 20th start. He also pitched a shutout for over fifty minutes, before surrendering the prerequisite Snack Goal, just to remind his teammates that there's literally no difference when he tends goal instead of Luongo. That marked the 9th time a Canuck goaltender has lost the shutout within the last 10 minutes. They're addicted. How much of a problem is this? I don't even mean the last 10 minutes of games. I mean literally the last 10 minutes.

• I've heard a lot of praise directed at the Canucks organization for coming through on a promise to start Schneider for 20 games. It's undeserved. First, they never made any such guarantees; the media only inferred it. Furthermore, Schneider played lights out almost all season, and that merited 20 starts. If he had even been average this season, he wouldn't have cracked 15. Really, the only person who deserves kudos for hitting this benchmark is Schneider for earning it.

• I'll tell you who didn't have to muster any motivation for today's game: Chris "Kiss Huggins" Higgins. Safe to say, after seeing this photo, Higgins likely said to himself, I want me some of that. He spent the afternoon doing everything in his power to necessitate group hugs between he and his cuddly linemates. Higgins successfully created three such occasions, finishing with two goals and an assist. He was fantastic. His first goal was the most impressive, as he outskated the aforementioned Scottie "The Drifter" Upshall, picked up the Ryan Kesler pass at a sharp angle, and roofed it. His second goal was a snoozy, late-game powerplay tap-in, but you know Alain Vigneault's pretty excited at the prospect of a second powerplay unit that creates tap-ins. The secret to invigorating any unit, apparently, is to put Chris Higgins on it. He'll do anything for the post-goal hug; Kiss Huggins just wants to hold you.

• Higgins has looked excellent on the second line since his promotion to it a few games ago, but this is the first game where it showed on the scoresheet, as his line finished with a combined eight points. The success of the Higgins/Kesler/Raymond trio means that Mikael Samuelsson is likely going to get bumped to the third line when he returns from injury. With this in mind, and considering the third line already has two wingers, Alain Vigneault toyed yesterday with moving Hansen to center. It will be interesting to see if Hansen's pokecheck-rich game thrives with a bit more freedom, or if skating in the middle is akin to knocking Pokey's head off.

• Was anyone else suspicious of this Mayorov character? He claims to be a Blue Jackets' defenseman, but his name sounds made up. Adding "ov" onto established English words is how North Americans mimic Russians. This guy is clearly a deposed Ohio mayor who's gone into hiding under the guise of being a Russian hockey player. Thinking about it, the Columbus roster seems like a pretty good place to hide. If this works, expect the ploy to go mainstream, yielding such exilees as Senatorov and Chairmanofthehousov. And if it goes international, expected Derek Brassard to eventually find himself skating between Mubarakov and Gaddafov.

• Mason Raymond finished this game with 3 assists. To celebrate, he set an alarm and got up early to watch that famous Ohio sunrise.

• Early in the game, Dan Hamhuis suffered a concussion after both he and Kevin Bieksa tried to check Rick Nash at the same time. This is Hamhuis's second concussion this season and fourth of his career. That's scary stuff. Last time he was concussed, Hamhuis admitted he'd consider retirement rather than threaten his ability to enjoy life, post-hockey. Let's hope it doesn't come to that. On an ironic sidenote, this is the second time this week Hamhuis and Bieksa have collided while going for the cheque. The first time was yesterday at dinner. Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis always pays.

• The Canucks had 25 blocked shots in the game. That's 25 blocked shots too many this late in the season. Get the Hell out of the way. The worst was a first period penalty-kill where Ryan Kesler took a Jan Hejda shot off the left ankle and, while wincing in extreme pain, popped up and took a Jan Hejda shot off the right ankle. Were he in possession of a third ankle, you got the sense he would have blocked a shot with it. Kesler blocked four total shots in the game. Someone remind him that, if he breaks an ankle before the playoffs, no one will let him cut his feet off and play centre in a sledge.

• Keith Ballard blocked six shots, in direct disobedience to Alain Vigneault. For his misdeeds, he was punished with two minutes less icetime than Aaron Rome.

• Christian Ehrhoff blocks a lot of shots too (he blocked three yesterday) but it's worth noting he blocks most of them with his stick. Ehrhoff gets his stick in front of everything. Insert Charlie Sheen joke here. I won't stoop to Sheen. Insert porn star joke here.

• Speaking of Christian Ehrhoff, his goal (above) is created with some impressive vision and quick thinking. The moment Chris Higgins touches this puck, Ehrhoff notices that the Columbus checker up high has turned his back to him. In that instant, he sprints in from the blueline, where Raymond finds him with a nifty little backpass. Ehrhoff now has 48 points. Two more, and he'll be the first D-man to collect 50 since Jyrki Lumme. Hopefully he doesn't get there, though, because I'd like the Canucks to be able to afford him.

• Speaking of bad defensive zone breakdowns, why was nobody covering Henrik Sedin on the power play? Yeah, Henrik seems like a guy you'd want to watch in front. Who's got the reigning scoring champion? Meh. What a backhand, too. Henrik went top shelf, where Buzz keeps his life savings.

I Find This Photo Odd: Raymond & Kesler Are Besties

Mason Raymond and Ryan Kesler are such good buds--true besties--that they regularly engage in intense tickle fights, even at extremely inopportune times. Case in point: this photo was taken while the Canucks were trying to kill a penalty. If Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis wasn't such a good guy, he might have given them a piece of his mind.

Yeah, we find this photo odd. It kind of looks like they're tobogganing. Can you see it? Maybe you could see it better if we photoshopped it to look exactly like that. Here you go:

Some Canuck Fans Are Awful Human Beings

Canuck fans, upon hearing negative opinions regarding their team.

In the past few weeks, Kyle Wellwood, Mike Babcock, and Theo Fleury have all come under fire for some pretty offensive comments. Yes, unforgivable utterances, these. The things they said were so vile that it apparently became acceptable to forgo proper human decency and, instead, return their brutal statements with the worst slander, bigotry, and hatespeech Canucks fans could muster.

Just what did they say? Well, brace yourself. You see, each of them expressed skepticism that the Canucks' regular season dominance would extend into the playoffs.

Wellwood suggested the Canucks were too immature to handle playoff adversity. Babcock suggested Luongo might not have what it takes to lead the team to a Cup. Fleury suggested that, after coasting through the regular season, the Canucks were ripe for a first-round playoff upset. In truth, it was pretty harmless stuff, but the response from many Canuck fans was much less so.

As kneejerk vitriol goes, Kyle Wellwood and Mike Babcock got off easy. Granted, Canuck fans flipped the pool, and peppered both men with cheap, personal attacks, but most of it was pretty silly stuff. Welly's a soft target (so to speak), so bitter fan response didn't extend much further than jabs at his weight or the fact that he's a little weird. Mike Babcock, too, escaped relatively unscathed, because he's pretty hard to criticize. He's one of the NHL's finest coaches and a Cup finalist in three of his seven seasons behind the bench. The best Canuck fans could do on such short notice was embarrass themselves by calling him overrated, or a choke artist because he's only won one Stanley Cup (and World Championship, and Olympic gold medal).

Theo Fleury, on the other hand, had some pretty awful stuff floated his way. He's suffered some terrible trauma, and he's wrestled some demons. This is a guy who was sexually abused, and who has struggled with drug abuse for much of his adult life, and many Canuck fans, to the chagrin of the ones who still have souls, immediately went there. I won't repeat any of it, but you can just go ahead and imagine the worst, vilest things a person could spew at somebody who's been through what Fleury has, and it's probable someone said it.

And why? Because he had the nerve to suggest the Canucks weren't going to win the Stanley Cup. It was appalling. Regrettably, being an awful human being doesn't preclude one from being a Canucks fan. It was embarrassing to have anything in common with these dirtbags.

PITB apologizes on behalf of any Canucks fan who realizes that saying crap like this is not okay. Presumably, we're speaking for the majority here.

The bitter reactions are especially embarrassing because none of these statements called for anything other than a dismissive shrug. Wellwood, Babcock, and Fleury's statements couldn't possibly have been more ignorable. What's a few "no confidence" votes? The Stanley Cup isn't decided that way.

In truth, all we had here were a few extremely biased opinions. Lest we forget: Wellwood plays for the Sharks; Babcock coaches the Red Wings; and Fleury is a lifelong Flame. These guys have allegiances to Western Conference teams that will have to go through the Canucks to win the Stanley Cup, so when they predict the Canucks will fall, it's little more than optimistic fan chatter. Their opinion is no more objective than Fred from Minneapolis who thinks the Wild are close.

In future, the best response to anyone's lack of belief in Vancouver, especially the fans of other teams, is the one Roberto Luongo gave yesterday when presented with Fleury's prediction: "Who cares?"

Unfortunately, many Canuck fans simply couldn't muster such brevity.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Thrashers, March 25, 2011

Canucks 3 -1 Thrashers

Seemingly lacking in motivation, the Canucks were not what you would call "good" against the Thrashers. They were, however, good enough, which is all that was necessary. With the victory, the Canucks set a franchise record for points in a season, with 7 games still left to play. Unfortunately, Daniel Sedin had his point streak halted at 9 games and 16 points, but secondary and tertiary scoring stepped up to fill the void. And, despite the two-goal lead being the worst lead in hockey, the Canucks sat back, rolled their lines, and dared the Thrashers to come back. The Thrashers did not. I watched them fail. I watched this game:

• It should be awfully clear by now that the Sedins are terrible at penalty shots. With his first period failure, Daniel Sedin is now 0 for 4 in that situation in his career. You just know that Daniel wished he could decline the penalty shot in favor of the two-minute powerplay: Please can I have some teammates and opponents on the ice? Please? Actually, that's not a bad idea: in football you can refuse a penalty and take the result of the play instead. You should be able to refuse a penalty shot and take the powerplay instead, especially when you have the number one powerplay and your opponent has the worst penalty kill in the league.

• My theory on why the Sedins are ineffective in the shootout: one of their main weapons is their renowned patience. They constantly pass up what appear to be prime scoring chances in order to create better ones. A shootout is anathema to them: you get one chance, you can only skate in one direction, and there's no one to pass to. A Sedin with a penalty shot is a little like a mule with a spinning wheel.

• After five games without a point, Mason Raymond scored the opening goal with an assist from Raffi Torres and Chris Mason's five-hole. Torres makes a great play to intercept a pass in the defensive zone, attracts the attention of an overeager Johnny Oduya, slips a perfect pass to the streaking Raymond, then drives hard to the net, creating a perfect distraction for Chris Mason. Mark Stuart did a poor job taking away the pass, meaning Mason (of the Chris variety) had to stay open to the possibility of the pass. People will call this a weak goal and, to a certain extent, it is, but blame has to be put on the defense as well for playing the situation so poorly.

• Raymond's goal seemed to give him a shot of confidence with sugar on the rim. He seemed to be everywhere on the ice and seemed to be developing some chemistry with Chris Higgins, who was originally thought to be a potential replacement for Raymond. Instead, Samuelsson may find himself bumped down to the third line if Raymond and Higgins heat up. Higgins brings a very different set of skills to the second line, as he tends to work harder and play with more grit, where Samuelsson has more patience and vision. Vigneault may have a tough time valuing his options: should he go with the Black-Scholes model or the Heston model?

• Keith Ballard has figured out the secret to getting more icetime than Aaron Rome: play on the same pairing as him and skate more slowly to the bench. Ballard had a great game, making several key defensive plays early, hitting Daniel Sedin and Victor Oreskovich with perfect outlet passes, and finishing, with Rome, a game-high +2. He played 16:41, a full 37 seconds more than Rome. Clearly a big step.

• Victor Oreskovich showed tonight why Gillis wanted him included in the Ballard trade. He played a physical game, logging 2 hits and winning battles along the boards, but he also showed some deft hands, getting off 2 shots and making a number of nice passes. His setup of the Bolduc goal, however, was merely an okay pass, enabled by the perfect outlet by Ballard. Also an okay pass: Want to see my final four?

• So that covers the second and first assist: now to the goal itself. Alex "Howard Moon" Bolduc scored the eventual gamewinning goal with a gorgeous backhand. I haven't seen anyone with a backhand that devastating since Eve Cleary. Bolduc looked his absolute Moon-iest in his postgame interview with Dan Murphy, as seen above, not to be confused with my co-writer at PITB, who is at his Mooney-est at all times.

• Christian Ehrhoff had a bit of a rough game: his giveaway on the Thrashers' lone goal was thoroughly unfortunate. It did, of course, give Roberto Luongo another chance to put the Snack Goal Principle to work. While Mason Raymond came just short of a defensive play for the ages, Luongo instead decided to try falling over, an unorthodox goaltending technique to say the least. I don't think it will replace the butterfly anytime soon.

• Evander Kane was remarkable, so here's a remark: like an overzealous mob boss, he was putting a hit on everyone. He was only credited with 4 hits, while Dustin Byfuglien was credited with 6, but Kane's hits were certainly more noticeable. Kane was easily the best Thrasher, making an impact every time he stepped on the ice.

• Alex Burrows picked up his 22nd goal of the season with a shorthanded empty netter. Hurray!

• The subject of the first intermission feature was Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis, who looked kind and approachable in his nice suit with a golden tie. The last time he drew that much attention to himself was as a volunteer rodeo clown for the American Junior Rodeo when he played for Nashville.

• As pointed out by Harrison: this is the 12th time this season that a Canuck goalie has lost a shutout in the third period and the 8th time within the game's last ten minutes. It's the only reason Luongo isn't in the top 5 of every major goaltending category: he leads the league in wins and is third in GAA and SV%, but only has 3 shutouts. He made some simply unfair saves, as seen in the video above, some of them more absurd than a baby monkey riding backwards on a pig.

• Finally, because I know everyone will want to talk about it: the refs weren't great tonight. The Canucks did not get a single powerplay, despite there being many potential candidates, some provided by the Byfuglienian one himself, Dustin Byfuglien. That said, there's no conspiracy: the referees were not instructed to avoid giving the Canucks powerplays so that a team in a non-traditional hockey market wouldn't be embarrassed by the best team in the league. It would be career suicide for anyone in the NHL front office to try something like that as it would surely be leaked by someone. I can't imagine Gary Bettman or any of his cronies taking that kind of risk. Sometimes refs just do a bad job. It happens, especially in a meaningless game like this one.

More of Keith Ballard's Worst Pranks

You might recall from an earlier PITB piece that Ballard is a noted prankster; he just happens to be terrible at it. It's true. He's worse than Jeff Bridges. You also might recall that Atlanta, where the Canucks play tonight, is the site of his worst prank ever: a two-handed baseball swing to the mask of Florida goaltender Tomas Vokoun.

Obviously, bludgeoning your goaltender in the ear is a pretty ill-conceived prank, and Ballard's had a hard time living it down since he came to Vancouver. Recall this bit of ribbing from earlier in the year:

On the wall in the visitors room there often is taped a sheet for players to sign up for tickets for friends or family in the road city. Among the handful of requests for tickets to tonight's game, someone wrote K. Ballard in the 'donor' column and T. Vokoun under 'recipient.'

With that in mind, it was a no-brainer that a return to the scene of the crime would mean an uptick in jokes at his expense. His teammates have been giving it to him all day, pretending to break their sticks on the goal post in warmup, and providing awesome quotes like this one, courtesy Roberto Luongo (via Brad Zeimer):

"I try not to make eye contact with him at all," Luongo said. "He might snap at any second. Hopefully, he won't be on the ice when we get scored on."

It's pretty clear that everybody knows Keith Ballard is the sort of guy who can take a joke. Yesterday, Kevin Bieksa described Christian Ehrhoff as serious, focused, and "basically the opposite of Keith Ballard." In other words, Ballard's got a pretty solid sense of humour. Not since Marc Bergevin have the Canucks had a guy in the locker room so dedicated to keeping things light, and please keep that in mind the next time you rip the Ballard acquisition. He's an invaluable team guy who should really help the team come playoff time, when things get uncomfortably serious.

Keith Ballard brings the funny. If his impeccable comedic timing wasn't already apparent, consider this line, dryly delivered by Ballard when asked about the infamous baseball swing: "I'm fast so I would have got a double out of that."

If you think he's taking a pretty serious situation lightly, keep in mind that, when you prank as regularly and woefully as Keith Ballard does, you're going to have more than a few go a bit pear-shaped. You get used to it. Here, for example are ten more crummy Keith Ballard pranks you might not have known about:

1. Convinced hundreds of people to invest in Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC.
2. Told Matt Cooke, "Seriously, Colin Campbell has a crush on you. You need to give him a reason to call you."
3. Convinced a roomful of producers that people were clamouring for another Sex and the City movie.
4. Planted an undersized leather glove at the home of OJ Simpson so that Simpson would think he was becoming a giant.
5. Put peanut butter on the roof of Darren Pang's mouth just prior to a TSN panel segment on PK Subban.
6. Launched season-long scheme to trick Alain Vigneault into thinking Aaron Rome was a top-four defenseman.
7. Broke massive NHL head office e-mail controversy under his online pseudonym, Tyler Dellow.
8. Wrote a song called Friday. Mailed it to Ark Music Factory from Sarah McLachlan's house.
9. Told everyone his contract includes a no-trade clause.
10. Gave a glowing recommendation for John McLean as the next New Jersey coach from the office of his completely fictional hockey team, the Lowell Devils.

There was also this one time he tried to release joker venom gas on Gotham Square at midnight, but he was thwarted by Batman, so it never happened. Yes, Keith "Why So Serious" Ballard is a pretty awful prankster.

The Canucks Are So Good, Alain Vigneault Might Even Get The Credit

The great irony of the Jack Adams award is that being the coach of the league's best team often precludes one from talk of being the league's best coach. Truth is, when there's no other possible explanation for a team's success, then the coach gets the credit. If, however, it's possible to attribute that success elsewhere (such as the team's makeup or star players) you're likely to hear very little about the man behind the bench.

The Jack Adams trophy typically goes to coaches who have led unimpressive teams to impressive records. Impressive, that is to say, considering how little was expected of them. It's an award predicated on exceeding expectations, not excelling. You measure where expectations were when you started, and contrast this with where the team winds up. The coach behind the greatest unexplained upswing gets the award.

This is one reason chatter regarding Alain Vigneault's coach of the year odds has been relatively nonexistent this year. Everyone expected the Canucks to be good: they've been the safe pick to win the West since the summer, and you don't win the Jack Adams simply by meeting expectations, however lofty. Considering Mike Babcock has never won the award, largely because his team, too, is merely ho-hum excellent, you'd think it was nearly impossible for the coach of a top-tier team to win. The team would have to dominate every major statistical category.

Amazingly, Alain Vigneault has emerged as a late-season frontrunner for the Jack Adams, because that's what the Canucks are doing.

They have the league's best offensive players powering the league's best offense. They're 1st in goals for and 1st on the power play, with 39 man advantage goals, where the league median is 21. This offense boasts the top two scorers in the NHL, the league's best playmaker, and two of the league's top four goal scorers. They have the reigning Art Ross and Hart trophy winner, and he'll likely be passing both awards to his freaking twin brother. At alternating times this season, three different Canuck forwards have been tabbed as the frontrunner for league MVP.

On defense, they don't have the same superstar names, and some say they lack a top pairing guy, unless you want to make an argument for Dan Hamhuis or Kevin Bieksa, third and fourth in the NHL in plus/minus, respectively, or for Christian Ehrhoff, who is sixth in scoring by a defenseman, or even for Alex Edler, who is generally considered to be better than those three guys. On top of that, statistically, the Canucks are the best defensive team in the league, so it's hard to criticize their personnel. They're 1st in goals against. They're one-tenth of a percentage point from first on the penalty kill. They have 18 games won by three goals or more, tops in the league. They're first in faceoffs.

They have arguably the league's best goaltending. Their goaltender is first in wins, third in save percentage, and fourth in goals against average, and his backup has nearly identical stats. The Canucks have the highest winning percentage in the league when outshot. Luongo and Schneider are in line to bring home Vancouver's first ever Jennings Trophy.

And if you think Alain Vigneault is resting on his laurels or coasting on the strength of this roster, consider that the Canucks have dressed 39 different skaters this year, not including goalies. That's more than any other team, followed by the New York Islanders, who are proof that, when you have that many injuries, you're supposed to be terrible.

But the Canucks aren't terrible. Not by a longshot, not at anything. In fact, they're on top of every category. You'd think everything must have gone right this season to achieve that kind of dominance, and you'd be right to think that because, even when it hasn't, somehow, improbably, it has.

Alain Vigneault has weathered every obstacle. He's done it this year without playing even one game with all six of his top defensemen healthy, with his starting goaltender changing his game on the fly, with the right-winger on his top line missing the first month of the season, with the wingers on his second line playing inconsistent hockey all year, with his entire third line disappearing for over a month, and a fourth line featuring numerous AHL callups, Euro-league transfers, and gingerbread men. In truth, the only consistency the Canucks have seen all season has been behind the bench.

And that may be the greatest testament to this incredible season. The Canucks are so good that their coach might even get the credit.

I Find This Photo Odd: Acuvue Edition

What is Marc-Andre Fleury doing in this picture? Unless one of the Philadelphia Flyers made good on a threat and literally rearranged his face, he's shooting himself in the eye. Was it a snowshower he's washing off? Or maybe he got something in his eye?

Actually, no. I've done some investigation on this* and it comes from a very reliable source** that Fleury wears contact lenses and keeps a gatorade bottle of saline solution handy just in case they dry out. Apparently, they tend to get very dry.

Truly, no one realizes that a key disadvantage to playing for the NHL is you never see the commercials during your games, which means Fleury missed out on the Acuvue commercials. Someone should let him know about them -- those Oasys lenses stay hydrated longer. Maybe he won't have to shoot himself in the eye so often. That kind of burst in the eye is dangerous. You can lose your contact lens, and then all the linesmen are down on all fours trying to help you find it.

Plus if he gets better contact lenses, he can have a gatorade bottle full of actual gatorade there. I'm told goaltenders can get thirsty and that saline solution doesn't help you hydrate.

*No I haven't
**No it doesn't

Who Do the Canucks Want to Face in the First Round?

With the Canucks having sewn up their spot in the playoffs via a clever combination of playing in the terrible Northwest division and being the best team in the NHL, the time has come to consider who the Canucks will face in the playoffs. With a comfortable 10 point lead on the Red Wings for first place in the Conference, the Canucks could safely go .500 over their remaining 8 games and still be guaranteed top spot. So let's look at the teams that could end up in the 8th spot and face the Canucks in the first round.

Mathematically, there are still 12 teams that could potentially finish in 8th. Still, it's safe to say that the Red Wings and the Sharks won't be taking such a drastic fall. Similarly, the Blues, Blue Jackets, and Wild are unlikely to make improbable runs to the playoffs over their few remaining games. That still leaves 7 viable teams who could wind up facing the Canucks in the first round: the Coyotes, Blackhawks, Kings, Predators, Ducks, Stars, or Flames. Which of those teams would be an ideal match-up for the Canucks? Obviously, the Canucks don't need to be afraid to face any team this postseason, but which team would be preferable?

Calgary Flames
Currently 10th with 85 points
Season Series: 4-0-1

Likelihood of 8th: The Flames are the least likely to make the playoffs of all the teams on the bubble, thanks to having the fewest games remaining. They haven't done themselves any favors, either, losing their last three games, two of them against teams just above them in the standings. In order to make the playoffs, they will need to win each of their final six games and have two of the teams ahead of them go under .500 down the stretch. If all goes well for the Flames, their final game of the season against the Canucks will be a potential playoff preview and a win-and-you're-in scenario. Otherwise, it will instead be a chance for Daniel Sedin to cement the Art Ross Trophy in the same way Henrik did last season: with sheer absurdity.

Do we want them in the first round? Yes please. It's hard to argue with a 4-0-1 record, with the only loss coming via the shootout. The Canucks have owned the Flames like they're majority shareholders this season. In addition, it just feels right: in their only two runs to the Stanley Cup Finals, the Canucks met and defeated the Flames in the opening round of the playoffs. That's the kind of history I can get behind.

Dallas Stars
Currently 9th with 86 points
Season Series: 4-0-0

Likelihood of 8th: After a strong start to the season, the Stars have regressed severely, to the point that if the playoffs started today, they wouldn't be in them. This shouldn't be a surprise. The early success of the Stars was a function of good luck and a hot goaltender, two things that rarely persist throughout a season. Still, the Stars have a decent chance to sneak into 8th spot, as they are just 1 point behind Anaheim and 2 points behind Nashville, Los Angeles, and Chicago, with 9 games remaining. Considering that their final four games are against the woeful Blue Jackets, Avalanche, and Wild, it would not be the least bit surprising.

Do we want them in the first round? As Professor Farnsworth would say, "Oh my, yes." The Canucks haven't just beaten the Stars in each of their meetings, they've throttled them, with an overall goal differential of +15 over four games. In those four games, the Stars have been exposed as exactly what they are: a mediocre team that has gotten extraordinarily lucky. It's difficult to imagine a better first round opponent for the Canucks to face.

Anaheim Ducks

Currently 8th with 87 points
Season Series: 2-2-0

Likelihood of 8th: Since the Ducks are already in 8th, their odds of finishing in 8th are quite good. Unfortunately, they're also the only team in this discussion that has a negative goal differential and they've gone through some tough times without their superb Swiss netminder, Jonas Hiller. Of course, now comes the news that Hiller is back with the team and will be playing tonight. The question then becomes, will he be the pre-injury Hiller again or will there be an adjustment period. With only 9 games remaining in their schedule, an adjustment period could easily result in the Ducks slipping out of the playoffs.

Do we want them in the first round? Goodness gracious, no. While there is no doubt in my mind that the Canucks would win a playoff series against the Ducks, it would not come without a cost. The Ducks are a big, fast, and physical team, especially when it comes to the playoffs. Their top line doesn't just score goals; they finish their checks and aggravate goaltenders. I would rather the Canucks didn't enter the playoffs bruised, battered, and beleaguered. If the Ducks finish in 9th or 7th? Great. Keep them out of 8th.

Nashville Predators
Currently 7th with 88 points
Season Series: 1-2-0

Likelihood of 8th: As I (very safely) predicted at the start of the season, the Nashville Predators will make the playoffs. It is always foolish to bet against Barry Trotz and his band of Bee-Gee-loving brothers. Please note that the reports of the Predators loving the Bee Gees are as yet unconfirmed. The Predators are in a slightly precarious situation, however, as they have only 8 games remaining compared to 9 for many of their compatriots. Given how tight the standings are, the Predators can't afford to let up.

Do we want them in the first round? The Predators are one of only two teams on this list that has a winning record against the Canucks. They pushed last year's Stanley Cup Champions, the Chicago Blackhawks, to 6 games, and were arguably the 'Hawks toughest test of the postseason. They're a tough, hardworking team with top-end talent on defense, a potential Hart candidate in goal, and balanced scoring throughout their forwards. And yet, I'm not the least bit scared of them. The Canucks have the skill, grit, and mentality to beat the Predators; it would be a tight series, but definitely a winnable series. Home ice advantage will be key: the Predators are 20-8-7 at home but only 19-17-3 on the road.

Los Angeles Kings
Currently 6th with 88 points
Season Series: 1-1-1

Likelihood of 8th: Like the Predators and the Blackhawks, the Kings have a slim two-point lead on the Dallas Stars to remain in the playoffs. Their appointed starter, Jonathan Quick, has faltered down the stretch, leading the Kings to go with their other Jonathan, the rookie Bernier, more and more. Thanks to a solid defensive corps and five forwards with 20+ goals, the Kings have been able to weather their occasionally shaky goaltending, and it's likely that they will be enough to keep them in the top 8 in the West, but it's entirely likely it will be by the skin of their teeth.

Do we want them in the first round? More than you'd think. Yes, the Kings have a winning record against the Canucks, but their two victories came at the start of the season when the Canucks faltered out of the gate and took a few games to get their legs under them. Having witnessed the Canucks' victory over the Kings in person with a multitude of other Canucks fans, I would love to see a west coast match-up with the potential for bus/plane-loads of Vancouverites invading the Staples Center. That said, what matters is what happens on the ice, and the offensive firepower of the Canucks grossly outclasses that of the Kings. Plus it's a re-match of last season's first round, which is always fun.

Chicago Blackhawks

Currently 5th with 88 points
Season Series: 2-1-1

Likelihood of 8th: Yet another team with 88 points, the Blackhawks are the least likely of the trio to slip to 8th or out of the playoffs altogether. The Blackhawks had no business being as far down in the standings as they were throughout most of the season, as a multitude of bad bounces and losses in one-goal games made them look far worse than they actually are. They have had one of the best goal-differentials in the Western Conference (currently second behind the Canucks) all season long, even when they were slumming it with the cellar dwellers. As much as they are not as good as last season, particularly on their bottom-six and in goal, they still have high-end talent in their top-six forwards and a great group of defensemen. They won't slip to 8th...

Do we want them in the first round? … and besides, we don't want to face them in the first round. There's no poetry to meeting and defeating the Blackhawks in the first round of the playoffs after being ousted by them in the second round the last two seasons. It would be a far better story for the Canucks and Blackhawks to meet once more in the second round, with the chance to turn the relationship between the two teams into a true rivalry. After all, it's not a rivalry if one team keeps winning all the important games. Let's save the Blackhawks for Round Two.

Phoenix Coyotes

Currently 4th with 91 points.
Season Series: 2-2-0

Likelihood of 8th: The Coyotes are the least likely team on this list to fall to 8th, if only because they have a 3-point cushion and there are so many teams below them. It's not out of the realm of possibility, but the Coyotes are more likely to focus on trying to catch the Sharks for the Pacific Division. That said, they only have 7 games remaining, 5 of them at home, where they have struggled in comparison with their road record. If that trend continues, one of Nashville, Los Angeles, or Chicago could catch up to them and take away their home ice advantage. I don't see them slipping all the way to 8th, however.

Do we want them in the first round? If they did fall to 8th, it would be a decent match-up for the Canucks, who have split their season series with the Coyotes (with some help). Phoenix has elite goaltending, as long as Bryzgalov is on his game, decent defense (including, if can you believe it, Adrian Aucoin), a misshapen conglomeration of the NHL's discarded forwards, and a brilliant coach. The brilliant coach is the one to keep an eye out for: Dave Tippett is as good a coach as there is in the NHL and he keeps the Coyotes competitive despite their lower payroll.

So who should it be? Unsurprisingly, the two teams in this group that the Canucks would most want to face are the two teams currently outside the Top 8. For the sake of nostalgia, the Calgary Flames would be a dream match-up, but they'll be hard-pressed to even make the playoffs. Instead, I hope to see the Dallas Stars squeak their way into the playoffs, preferably by going all-out over their remaining 9 games, leaving them with nothing left for the playoffs. In lieu of the Flames or Stars, say it with me: anyone but Anaheim.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Red Wings, March 23, 2011

Canucks 2 - 1 Red Wings

Anyone hoping for another game of the year candidate between the two best teams in the Western Conference was likely a little let down by last night's affair, which saw both teams play hard--just not too hard. With only ten games to go in the regular season, the Canucks and the Red Wings have begun looking forward to the playoffs, which means approaching these final matches cautiously and ensuring everyone is healthy and ready for the next set of games that will matter. Unsurprisingly, then, this game was decided by who played and who didn't, as Pavel Datsyuk's absence rendered Detroit notably less dangerous, and Daniel Sedin's presence, after rushing back to join the team for reasons of his own, made the difference. Dank scored both Vancouver goals. And, just as Daniel was determined to play in this game, I was equally determined to watch it. The good news is that we both succeeded. I watched this game:

• How can you tell the outcome of this game was secondary to injury avoidance while playing it? The piddly number of blocked shots. Detroit and Vancouver had a measly 13 between them. The Canucks had four. Two of those were attributed to Alex Bolduc, which makes a lot of sense. Bolduc is likely the only player in the Canucks lineup with any motivation to block shots. He'll be lucky if he gets many more chances to prove be should be part of the playoff roster; he's got no choice but to tempt fate and try to impress. Meanwhile, the Red Wings had nine blocked shots, but four of them were from Niklas Kronwall, who apparently didn't get the memo. This might be the only time of the year when coaches are begging players not to sacrifice their bodies, and guys are diving away from shots like synchronized swimmers.

• Speaking of Alex Bolduc, do you think he should send Gord Miller a box of chocolates with a captioned photo of himself at the bottom? For the entirety of the night, Miller kept calling him Andre. That is incorrect. "Alex" is Bolduc's first name. "Andre" is a precocious baby sea lion.

• Roberto Luongo was fantastic, as he has been for much of the season. After a slow start to the year, likely attributed to the adjustments called for by new goalie coach Rollie Melanson, Funny Bob has been fairly consistent all year. Courtesy Jason Botchford: he hasn't been pulled once in 2011, and he's let in 4 goals only one time. Luongo is now first in the NHL in wins, third in SV%, fourth in GAA, and leading the Canucks towards a first ever Jennings trophy. Put succinctly: he's good. In last night's affair, he made 39 saves, (several of the category amazeballs) and he kept the Canucks in the game during a one-sided first period and a few intense third-period assaults. He appears to be on his game heading into the playoffs, and this can only be a good thing, unless it turns out his game is shuffleboard.

• Don't get me started on his lack of shutouts. It should be obvious to everyone that Luongo always purposefully lets in one, so the team won't be too hungry next time. It's called The Snack Goal Principle.

• You'd have thought Daniel Sedin would be jet-lagged or something, but the in-flight movie was The Last Airbender, so he got a lot of sleep. One day after his wife gave birth to a new baby girl, Daniel scored both the opening goal and the game-winner, proving that witnessing the miracle of life makes you a better hockey player. Someone send Toronto a DVD of Knocked Up. With the two points, Daniel pushed his lead over Steven Stamkos to nine, impressed the Eastern Hart voters who only watch games in their time zone, and, more importantly, maintained the seven-point gap between he and that gloryhog Henrik. Daniel's first goal, banked off the skate of Niklas Lidstrom (akin to dunking on Lebron James), was the 12th time this season he's potted the game's first goal. No wonder he has more kids than his brother; he initiates more scoring.

• The best goal of the game was the Canucks' powerplay game-winner (above). Take some time to watch what all five members do. Salo and Ehrhoff pass the puck back and forth, trying to open up lanes for a point shot. They both get a clear shot, but neither gets through. When the Wings look to get the puck out, Salo pinches, Ehrhoff takes off to the red line to cover him. Kris Draper gets to the puck, he sees Salo coming. Worse, Henrik has already gotten into his clearing lane, so he turns back, then makes a poor clearing attempt, which Henrik recovers anyway. While all of is going on, Ryan Kesler is causing absolute havoc in front. First, he topples over Jimmy Howard, causing Howard to lose his stick. No call, because Howard's way out of his crease and he initiates the contact by diving for the puck. Then, Kesler takes Brad Stuart's legs out with a subtle drive-by trip. No call again, because conspiracies against the Canucks are topped only by conspiracies against the Red Wings. Niklas Kronwall tries to shade over and take away a pass to Kesler, but this opens up a stupid amount of room for Henrik and Daniel, who just pound away with the same cross-ice pass and one-timer until there's simply too much chaos to overcome, and the puck goes in. Color me impressed. And Badd.

• I wonder if there was ever a plan to ease Kevin Bieksa back into the lineup, because if there was, someone screwed up bigtime. Juice played the most minutes of any Canuck at 23:19, immediately returning to his top pairing with Dan Hamhuis. Bieksa played excellent, although he looked a little shaky on his skates, at times, including one icing call where Valteri Filppula gave him a late nudge and he fell into the boards. The best part of that incident was when the two linesman skated in to separate the men, and Bieksa, while standing right between them, slashed Filppula in the calf. Are you surprised? This is a guy who punched out a teammate during his first training camp. Kevin "Stagger Lee" Bieksa would shoot a man in a crowded saloon in a dispute over a hat. He's so badass.

• Bieksa did get a reprieve from the night's toughest assignment, however, as Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis took Bieksa's regular job of battling with Tomas Holmstrom in front. He did an admirable job, too, twice alleviating Detroit zone pressure by taking Holmstrom off the ice with a penalty. It was nice of Hamhuis to give Bieksa the night off; he took a beating for him, much like the time he recovered that old lady's purse from that unruly street gang, or the time he saved that young woman from those pipe wrench-wielding thugs.

• Victor Oreskovich had a good game, highlighted by one stellar 2nd period shift during which he set up three quality scoring chances from behind the net. First he muscled out in front for two shots. Then he made a beautiful centring pass. Then when the puck came back to him, he made a tape-to-tape pass to the point. This is likely the only time Oreskovich will ever receive this adjective, but it was positively Malkinesque. Nothing came of it, but it was nice to see flashes of NHL hands from the big man. That said, because they were under gloves, we don't know that they were actually his hands. They could have been the devil's hands. I've seen this before. Has he suddenly improved at playing the holophonor?

• Ryan Kesler was the big faceoff winner, going 13-for-18 in the circle, including 11-for-13 in the offensive zone. Curiously, however, he didn't take a single draw in the neutral zone. Apparently Kesler, like sparkling wine, is only for special occasions. Of the 12 faceoffs between the blue lines, Henrik took six, and Lapierre and Bolduc took three apiece.

• Raffi Torres had three hits, but you'd think he was out for the season too. I feel like I haven't seen him since Malhotra went down. He clearly drew a lot of confidence from playing with Manny, and now he's going to have to dig deep and discover it was inside him all along, or something. But Manny Malhotra died over thirty years ago...

• With the win over Detroit, the Canucks only need to win three of their final eight to win the Western Conference. It seems a foregone conclusion at this point, especially since they still haven't dropped two consecutive regulation games since November, and even alternating wins and losses to keep this trend alive means they'll win four. May as well start stitching that banner.

They Don't Let Keith Ballard Do Anything

Here's a little vignette for Fountain Tire and Canucks.com, featuring interviews with Keith Ballard and Ryan Kesler. The best stuff comes courtesy of Ballard, who gives us some insight into why he never gets any ice time. Turns out it's because:


1) He has scoliosis and borderline osteoporosis.
Ballard has every ailment short of bulging discs. How much do you think Mike Gillis knew when he traded a 1st round pick and a Calder finalist for Mr. Burns?

2) He sucks at shooting.
His exact words: "They don't even let me shoot in practice in the shootout [...] Have you seen me shoot? You wouldn't let me shoot either." Wayne Gretzky, who coached Ballard in Phoenix, once said to him, famously, "You miss 100% of the shots you, Keith Ballard, take." Revisionists later replaced "Keith Ballard" with "don't", and made a buttload of money on motivational posters.

3) He thinks that being clutch means not falling down.
Suffice it to say, if you've watched Ballard for more than a handful of games, you know he's not clutch. He knows it too. Do you think confidence is an issue for Hips? I'd say so. His shootout strategy is as follows: "I'd just try to get a shot on net, put my head down and skate back to the bench." Here's a pro-tip for Keith Ballard: when hanging your head in shame is part of your move, you're setting yourself up for failure. Someone told me that on a date once.



Thanks to Play Me That Ballard for the tip.

Daniel Sedin One-Ups His Brother, Has Another Child

"I'm going to crush you." "Not if I crush you first."

As if it wasn't already perfectly clear that Daniel Sedin is using rage and envy over Henrik's career year last season to propel himself to an Art Ross and Hart trophy this season, we got further proof, Tuesday, when Daniel's wife gave birth to their third child.

That's one more child than sired by the Henrik Sedins, which means Daniel's competitive rage is so all-consuming, he's committed himself to outscoring Henrik both on and off the ice. This is now a literal blood feud.

And, if it weren't already apparent that Daniel is dead set on matching his brother's total Harts and Art Rosses solely out of spite, he'll be back in the lineup tonight when the Canucks face the Red Wings. Seriously, he shook his daughter's hand, kissed his wife goodbye, and caught the red-eye to Michigan. Considering Detroit and Vancouver are resting guys on a whim (Mikael Samuelsson's out with "the sniffles", and Pavel Datsyuk's missing the game with "ennui"), you've got to believe Daniel is determined to play. Why might that be?

Well, do you remember what happened last year when Daniel missed a few games?

During those five weeks, Henrik turned into Supergretzky, tallying 16 hat tricks and 2900 points. By the time Daniel returned, a statue of Henrik was under construction outside GM Place and Robson Street had been renamed Henrik & Only Henrik Boulevard. Daniel was like, "I'm back, everyone!" And everyone was like, "Oh hi, Henrik. I thought you went home for the day."

Clearly, Daniel Sedin is now petrified to let his brother play a game without him, and it's an understandable anxiety. When he misses time, people forget he exists and, after all the work he's put in to match Henrik's accomplishments this year, that would be a devastating blow. He's got a seven-point lead on Henrik in the scoring race, likely insurmountable because they tend to share the ice. But, if Daniel lets up for even a second, Henrik is free to gain ground, just like when when he briefly turned around in the womb, and Henrik darted past him towards the light.

You know Henrik's trying to put a stop to this revenge strategy. Remember that empty-netter from his own side of center the other night? That's out of character for Henrik--unless he's trying to gain ground in the scoring race. That goal was unassisted, except by sibling rivalry.

Daniel has to play tonight to protect everything he's worked for all season. If it slips away from him now, well, it would kill him. Not literally, of course. Daniel couldn't bring himself to do that, especially considering how many points his brother would score without him.

Injury to Malhotra Gives the Canucks Someone to "Do it For"

Yesterday, we learned that the Canucks will be without Manny Malhotra for the rest of the season due to eye injury. It was difficult to digest, and not just because Malhotra is a fantastic human being who doesn't deserve this terrible misfortune. Also, because Malhotra has been an invaluable member of the Canucks forward corps this season, and his contributions are irreplaceable. Since joining the team in the offseason, Manny has enlivened Vancouver's faceoff percentage, given their third line a cohesive identity, allowed the Canucks' offensive superstars to focus on scoring, and even reversed the Canucks' bad luck with bald players (after such winners as Eric Weinrich and Jan Bulis). Malhotra has done a lot, and his absence will be impossible not to feel.

But this doesn't mean the Canucks can't win without him, because they can. In fact, it's likely that they will win because of this unfortunate incident. I say this not to be insensitive or flippant, but because I've watched a lot of sports movies, and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that no team can win the championship until a role player goes down with an injury, thereby giving the team somebody to do it for.

It's a staple of sports films:

When everything seems to be going perfectly for the protagonist(s), one of the team members or supporting characters gets injured, providing an emotional roadblock that eventually becomes even further motivation to win.

The examples are endless: Gerry Bertier in Remember the Titans. Chet "Rocket" Steadman in Rookie of the Year. Adam Banks in Mighty Ducks: 2. James "Boobie" Miles in Friday Night Lights. Kelvin Owens in Gridiron Gang. Walter Cochran in The Replacements. Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. Carver in the woefully underrated Bring it On.

As far as I'm concerned, Malhotra's untimely injury basically guarantees us the title, by virtue of the precedent set in the movies I've watched. And ignore the so-called "critics" who would dismiss my optimism by calling this sports movie trope a "cliche," just because it's in a lot of movies. If you're unconvinced, your beef is with history; most of these movies are based on true stories (especially Mighty Ducks 2, which is very realistic--Iceland is a notorious hockey powerhouse).

Alain Vigneault said as much: "I think, to some extent, this could be a good rallying point for the guys." Good is an understatement. Crucial is more like it. No word on whether the entire team will shave their heads in solidarity. If they don't, from where I'm sitting, they're wasting a bonding opportunity. Imagine it: bald heads, playoff beards... it'd be a whole team of Shel Silversteins. Have you ever read The Giving Tree with a loved one? It's an emotional roller coaster. Shel Silverstein brings people together.

The evidence is incontrovertible. Manny Malhotra, consummate leader that he is, has gone down for the season to give the team that final piece of motivation and unity. He may not be on the starting roster, but Manny Malhotra is our angel in the outfield.




Disclaimer: I wish it went without saying, but this post is satire. In truth, Malhotra's injury is much bigger than hockey, he is in our prayers, and we wish him a speedy and complete recovery.

Evaluating Chris Tanev

With the news that Kevin Bieksa has started practicing with the team again, the next step will be his return to the Canucks lineup, maybe even as early as tomorrow's game against Detroit. This means that one of the Canucks' current defensemen will be hitting the pressbox, unless Sami Salo breaks again. It's almost a certainty that the odd man out will be Chris Tanev. The reasons are numerous: he's an inexperienced rookie, he's not yet used to the long haul of an NHL schedule, and Aaron Rome has kidnapped Vigneault's children and is holding them for ransom in a ploy to get more ice-time.

You will notice, however, that none of those reasons mention the quality of Tanev's play. Part of this is that it's been very difficult to properly assess Tanev: the word that keeps coming to commentator's lips is "poised", but poise is remarkably hard to quantify. It's hard to miss his lack of panic with the puck and his ability to make good outlet passes; mentally, he seems ready for the NHL and certainly has a higher ceiling than someone like Aaron Rome. But is he currently ready physically for the NHL, particularly the grind of the playoffs? Alain Vigneault has stated that Tanev won't be returned to the minors and that he has been impressed with his play, but he'll likely see significant time in the pressbox; come playoff time, with Alex Edler and Andrew Alberts returning, will Tanev see any playing time at all? Would his development be better served playing more significant minutes with the Manitoba Moose?

To help answer some of these questions, I want to take a look at Tanev's history and some of Tanev's statistics over his 27-game stint with the Canucks. All of the statistics are from NHL.com and behindthenet.ca, with the minimum games played set to 20.

Most of the focus for Tanev has been on his remarkable growth spurt that changed his hockey fortunes from being unable to find a place to play to the NHL in just 5 years. At the age of 16, Tanev was 5'0" and 100 lbs. Now he's 6'2", 185 lbs, and still growing into his frame. For some perspective, he's the same height as Christian Ehrhoff but almost 20 pounds lighter. Manny Malhotra is 6'2", but weighs 220 lbs. At the age of 21, Tanev still has some time to grow.

Unfortunately, he's not going to fill out that frame this season. As poised as he has been on the ice, he's taken a lot of punishment, finding himself on the receiving end of hit after hit. To his credit, he takes hits to make plays and is able to avoid some checks, but he frequently gets knocked down and outmuscled along the boards. He does not yet have NHL-level strength, which is an especially daunting prospect as the Canucks approach the playoffs. As the intensity ratchets up and the physical play increases, there is a concern that Tanev will not be able to handle it.

That said, Tanev's quick adjustment to the speed of the NHL game is a credit to his abilities and his intelligence. Although he averages only 13:54 in ice-time, Vigneault has not been shy about using him in difficult situations. With Ehrhoff continuing to get prime offensive opportunities, the rest of the defense has started the majority of their shifts in the defensive zone and Tanev is no exception. Tanev starts in the offensive zone only 43.5% of the time: amongst Canucks defensemen, only Andrew Alberts has started more in the defensive zone. He moves the puck in the right direction as well: he finishes his shifts in the offensive zone 52.2% of the time, second only to Christian Ehrhoff amongst Canucks defensemen. The major difference is that Ehrhoff starts in the offensive zone 60.4% of the time, leading all Canucks defensemen.

Tanev's CORSI rating shows further proof of his ability to move the puck up ice: he has the third highest CORSI amongst Canucks defensemen with a +9.59 rating, behind only Ehrhoff and Hamhuis. And his rating is not due to playing against scrubs: his quality of competition is third amongst Canucks defensemen behind Bieksa and Hamhuis, and his quality of teammates is second worst amongst Canucks defensemen. Despite his limited icetime, Tanev is facing tough competition with poor linemates and keeps the puck moving in the right direction. Remarkably, he's managed to do so without taking a single penalty.

These statistics confirm what we're seeing on the ice: Tanev makes smart plays that move the puck out of the defensive zone with possession. The key word there is possession. Jim Jamieson got a great quote from Tanev's father: "When he got the puck in the corner I always made him wait and make the pass to somebody's stick, and he's been doing that from a very young age." This is one of the reasons he's absorbing so many hits, however, as he avoids simply banking the puck off the glass, preferring to make a pass that retains possession. Unlike many rookie defensemen who hang on to the puck too long because they're unsure what to do with it, Tanev hangs on to the puck because he knows exactly what to do with it. This patience is one of his best qualities, but also one of the reasons he's taking so much physical punishment.

It's understandable that the Canucks would want to keep Tanev around in case of further injuries, but I can't help but think that a prospect of his caliber would be better served playing big minutes in all situations with the Manitoba Moose as they head into the playoffs. With the Canucks, Tanev gets under 14 minutes of icetime per night, minimal time on the penalty kill, and no time whatsoever on the powerplay. Mind you, his development wasn't hurt too much when he was unable to find a team to play for at the age of 16, so my concerns are likely overblown. Suffice it to say, I'm a big fan of Tanev and I look forward to watching him develop as a Canuck.