From the What If Files: Aaron Rome's Empty-Net Goal

On March 29, in the dying seconds of a road game versus the Nashville Predators, Canucks' defenseman Aaron Rome scored his first goal as a Canuck. It was a 200-foot empty-netter, but that didn't make it any less special for Vancouver, who celebrated the rare occurrence (it was Rome's 100th game with the team) by mobbing him like he'd scored an overtime winner.

This touching moment almost didn't happen. As the puck drifted towards the goal line, Henrik Sedin quit skating and stuck his arms out, so as to prevent anybody from spoiling the moment. In that instant, any number of shocking things could have gone awry. Below, PITB has imagined three very plausible scenarios, with adorable artist's renderings by the fabulously talented Chloe Ezra.

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SCENARIO 1

Henrik skates like wildfire, catching up to the puck eight inches from the goal line. He changes its trajectory by one degree, earning credit for the goal. Then, before a stunned arena, he tears the C off his jersey, flashes the double guns Shane O'Brien style, and skates off, chanting "Henrik! Henrik!"

Artist's Rendering

SCENARIO 2

Shea Weber gains ground in a hurry. Determined to preserve Rome's special moment and paranoid that Weber is about to thwart it, Henrik tackles the Nashville defender, rugby-style.

Artist's Rendering

SCENARIO 3

No one touches the puck, but it catches a little mound of snow and misses the net. As it slides into the corner, Henrik retrieves it, then makes a no-look backhand saucer pass to Daniel, who pots the insurance goal. The visiting Vancouver fans chant "MVP! MVP!" Forgotten, Aaron Rome skates to the bench unnoticed. After the game, he finds a quiet place and journals.

Artist's Rendering

From the What If Files: Vigneault Injected With Truth Serum

You, Brad Ziemer. You're the one I hate. I hate you.

Alain Vigneault is a coach who really knows how to use the media, not to garner attention, like Ron Wilson, but to make his team better. Some of us even go so far as to point out when he does it. Still, while Vigneault is at his most effective while using the media to his own advantage, it's hard to deny he's funniest when he loses his composure a little bit. Wouldn't it be great if, just once, he were biochemically forced to tel us all what he really thought? Consider the following scenario:

VANCOUVER -- Police are looking for a suspect who may have administered sodium amytal, a so-called "truth serum," to Canucks head coach Alain Vigneault Tuesday night before a media scrum.

The Canucks coach was tested for drugs after making several "overly appropriate" comments to the media following a 3-2 loss to the Montreal Canadiens.

"[expletive deleted]," Vigneault said to reporters. "[expletive deleted]. Bet [expletive deleted] Boudreau would [expletive deleted] be [expletive deleted] proud of that [expletive deleted] one, wouldn't he? [expletives deleted]."

Before what he called his "Gary Bettman hearing a Canadian team has made the Cup Final" impression, Vigneaut had several other comments, more printable but much less shocking.

"Before he even got to the microphone, he said 'Oh, you're here. I hate you so much,'" reported Brad Ziemer of Puckworld. "That was sort of a joke we have going where he pretends to hate me, and I pretend to be chicken little. Nothing odd about that."

It was Vigneault's later comments that raised eyebrows.

"That PK Subban's an annoying kid, isn't he?" Vigneault said. "He even had Kes getting back into old habits between whistles a bit. What a jerk."

When asked about the power play, Vigneault didn't -- probably physically couldn't -- mince words.

"Best power play in the league, and we can't score 5 on 3," Vigneault said, his voice getting louder than was really necessary. "We've never scored on a 5 on 3. If we're on the power play, seems the easiest way to stop us would be to take another penalty."

Vigneault then yelled expletives down the hall, calling Newell Brown out by name.

"I said before the game that we would play to our strengths and the Canadiens would play to theirs," Vigneault said. "Of course, that's hard for us, because we have so many strengths."

"It's easy for a team like Montreal, whose strengths include playing defensively, having a good goaltender, and representing the lollipop guild," Vigneault said. "Our strengths are offensive, defensive, on the power play, on the penalty kill, five on five, on the forecheck, on the backcheck, cycling, off the rush, and apparently on the Scrabble board."

This last was in reference, likely, to Tanner Glass and his upcoming Scrabble battle with immensely famous blogger Harrison Mooney.

Members of the media said the Canucks coach's frankness was surprising, but that they weren't above taking advantage.

"I asked if Gillis was likely to make a trade for a fourth line center during the deadline," said Iain MacIntyre, reporter for the Vancouver Sun. "He went on a complete tangent. It was pretty great."

"Oh, [expletive deleted], I forgot to give Hodgson a real chance out there," Vigneault said. "I should have known better. Oh well, two games to go."

"Gillis is always willing to make a trade," Vigneault continued. "He's not like Nonis. Nonis would stand pat at the deadline. Once, we were playing draw poker, and Nonis stood pat with four to a flush. It's just his way."

At this point, apparently remembering they had a job to do, Canucks personnel cut Vigneault's mic and escorted him away, but not before he punched one of them, shouting afterward, "I wish that had been Gary Bettman."

Mike Gillis was unavailable for comment regarding the incident, but Dave Nonis responded to Vigneault's comments, saying, "I had a pair, too."

From the What If Files: The Canucks & The Zombie Apocalypse

We get asked our fair share of questions here at PITB. Clearly, we have a lot of opinions, and we try to express them as best we can. But some questions resist answering. To wit: two days ago, Dan Donkers has asked us one such question. "The Canucks are good and all," he says, "But how well could they protect us in the event of a zombie apocalypse?" Well. Yeses and noes aren't gonna cut it. A wildly imaginative question requires a wildly imaginative response. So, let us consider one possible scenario:

From the 'What If' Files: The Luongo Hat-Trick

Having gone 16-1-2 in their last nineteen games (or, 13-1-2 since Head Poke Kid), the Canucks are riding a wave of positivity so grand it makes unbiased reporting impossible. How can the Vancouver media, typically blessed to cover a team so consistently mediocre, remain neutral when the play of the Canucks is awe-inspiring?

Nitpick, that's how. And forecast future negatives. Maybe the Canucks have peaked too early. What if there's an injury? What if the move the Canucks make to clear up capspace for Salo creates a hole in their depth? Well, we at PITB aren't in the business of forecasting potential negatives (although we dabble in babcocking). As the alternative media, we seek to be alternative at every turn. If the mainstream media is imagining things that could potentially go very wrong, we're going to imagine things that could go potentially right. What if, for example, the Roberto Luongo got a hat-trick in Madison Square Garden? Consider the following not impossible scenario:

VANCOUVER --- The Canucks continue to find unique ways to win hockey games. Tonight it was with secondary scoring from an unlikely source: netminder Roberto Luongo.

"Luongo singlehandedly won us da turd," said Alex Burrows.

The Vancouver goalie scored the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd goals of his NHL career in a frantic final two minutes that saw the New York Rangers allow three goals with the net empty.

The first came as the Rangers trailed 2-1 in the final minutes, and pulled goaltender Henrik Lundqvist for an extra attacker. After gaining the red line, Michael del Zotto dumped the puck in. Unfortunately, it landed right on the stick of Roberto Luongo. Sensing he had a little time and space, he cleared it the length of the ice himself, and after taking a fortuitous bounce, it was in. It was the first goal of Luongo's career.

It wouldn't be the last.

Undeterred, the Rangers kept the net empty off the faceoff. After winning the draw, they fired the puck into the Canucks' end. Again, however, Luongo cleared it to center ice.

Marc Staal picked up the puck. Pressured in the neutral zone by Alex Burrows, he sent a pass back into his own zone for del Zotto, who whiffed on it and watched, helplessly, as it trickled in.

The last Canuck to touch the puck: Roberto Luongo, who made NHL history by being the first goalie to score two goals in a game.

He would get one more in even more unlikely fashion. After making an incredible kicksave in the dying moments, the puck passed everybody and slid out to center ice. There, it was picked up by Sean Avery who, knowing Luongo had the last Canucks' touch and sensing an opportunity to be a part of NHL history, slammed the puck back into his own net with 2.1 seconds to go.

A hat trick. From a goaltender. You have to believe this is the only time we'll ever see something to bizarre.

"Hopefully, that's the last time someone criticizes my puckhandling abilities," said Luongo after the game.

After the game, however, fans remained unimpressed, as Luongo let in a bad goal to lose another shutout bid, and forgot to give his stick away.

ICE CHIPS: Immediately following the game, Sean Avery was seen going into John Tortorella's office. He has not been heard from since.

And there you have it. It may not be plausible, but it's not impossible. And, considering the run the Canucks are on, I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss this.

Okay, now dismiss it.

From the 'What If' Files: GM Place Renamed Lebron Place!

It was a typical day in Vancouver when Mike Gillis approached the podium. The media had gathered for the surprise press conference, expecting to hear only the mundane news that GM Place, the Canucks home since 1995, would be rechristened for another major sponsor. Telus Place. The Pattison Pavilion. Any number of names would have appropriately underwhelmed. But then Mike Gillis dropped the bomb. "Effective immediately," he announced, "GM Place will be known as Lebron Place."

The sudden explosion of hundreds of flash bulbs kicked off a frenzy of activity. Voices rang out from the crowd. Gillis was asked to explain himself. And that's when the walls came tumbling down. "Lebron James has signed a max, $200 million, ten-year contract to play with the Vancouver Grizzlies." And, as though anticipating the next question, he added, "Yes, the Memphis Grizzlies will be coming home." Lebron James emerged from behind a curtain. "I am the greatest," he said. "I'm so great I can resurrect the Vancouver Grizzles. People of Vancouver. I am yours. Love me." It was the greatest day in the history of Vancouver.


*sigh* It's a slow news day.