The Chicago Blackhawks Are Bad

After two consecutive playoff oustings, you'd think it would be difficult to find a Vancouver Canucks fan who has anything but ill will for the Chicago Blackhawks. Unfortunately, this isn't the case, as some people think the Blackhawks are all right. Yes, some people have a hard time hating a team with plenty of ties to the West Coast. Some people watched Jonathan Toews lead Canada to an Olympic gold medal, and they think he's A-okay. And some people simply have the Blackhawks confused with other things. Good things. Things for which they feel fondness.

It's time to clear this up once and for all. People, hear me: the Chicago Blackhawks are bad. BAD. If you think they are good, you obviously have them confused with something else. That thing cannot possibly be the Blackhawks, because the Blackhawks are bad.

You may be thinking of Black Hawk, the Lakota artist whose 76 colour drawings are a part of Native American ledger art history. Black Hawk is admirable and sympathetic, especially since he was killed in the Wounded Knee Massacre of 1890. If you feel admiration and sympathy, you're likely thinking of Black Hawk. You couldn't possibly be thinking of the Chicago Blackhawks, who are neither admirable nor sympathetic. They are the worst kind of bad. They're named after atrocities.

Consider the Black Hawk Purchase, a land acquisition made in what is now Iowa. This purchase came on the heels of the Black Hawk War, during which Sauk chief Black Hawk was taken prisoner. It was during Black Hawk's captivity that the land was sold, so one would assume he had little bargaining power. He also didn't get a fair shake from historians, who tell us that his motives for waging this dispute were "ambiguous," although there's hardly much ambiguity about defending one's property.

Leave it to the white man to extort land and distort history, right? Well, you know who has a lot of white men? The Chicago Blackhawks, who have compounded Black Hawk's humiliation by stealing his name. You know what's not ambiguous? The badness of the Chicago Blackhawks.

Still think the Blackhawks are good? You must be confused. Maybe you're thinking of Black Hawk Down, the Ridley Scott film about a fallen Black Hawk helicopter. Rotten Tomatoes tells us that 77% of critics felt this film was "fresh". However, this film was produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and stars Josh Hartnett. Here's another film on which they collaborated: Pearl Harbour. That film was historically bad. Also bad? The Chicago Blackhawks, who, sources say, knew about the plan to bomb Pearl Harbour and didn't tell anybody.

Okay, that's not true. But that doesn't make them any less bad. They're quite bad.

If you think the Blackhawks are good, you're probably thinking of the Atlanta Blackhawks, the San Francisco Bay Blackhawks, the Waterloo Blackhawks, the Iowa Blackhawks or the Plattling Black Hawks. What do all these teams have in common? If you think it's their nickname, you're wrong. It's the fact that they are all less bad than the Chicago Blackhawks.

You may be thinking of Nighthawks, the classic Edward Hopper painting. Makes sense. It's located at the Art Institute of Chicago, which, like the Blackhawks, is in Chicago, but, unlike the Blackhawks, is good. The Blackhawks are bad, like the Great Chicago Fire, which destroyed the Art Institute's original building in 1871. Were the Chicago Blackhawks involved? Perhaps; they're bad. Are they arsonists? They've never gone record saying they're not.

If you still think the Blackhawks are good, it's possible you're confusing them with some other kind of hawk. Kitty Hawk, perhaps? That North Carolina city is near where the Wright brothers first flew airplanes. That was good, but do you know who later flew airplanes? Terrorists, who are bad. And don't think I'm actively trying to get you to associate the Chicago Blackhawks with terrorism, but they did hold a public demonstration of some sort in the streets of Chicago last July. Was it a terrorist rally? We simply don't know.

You may also be thinking of Nighthawks at the Diner, the classic Tom Waits album based on Edward Hopper's painting. Tom Waits is good. Unfortunately, whenever you think of early period Tom Waits, you run the risk of thinking about Billy Joel, to whom Waits was compared in the late seventies. Billy Joel is bad. What do Billy Joel and the Chicago Blackhawks have in common? No redeeming qualities.

I could go on. It's also possible you're thinking of blackjack, Jack Black, backhoes, backlogs, backrubs, black hats, black cats, back catalogs, black ops, black cod, black hogs, hockey, Hawkeye, bedrock, Beck, or Black Bond Books. Frankly, you sound confused, so here's a simple maxim to get you through: whatever you're thinking of, it's better than the Chicago Blackhawks.

In closing, the Chicago Blackhawks are bad.

Factual Inaccuracies in "How The West Was One"

Local musician Kyprios has released a new song, "How The West Was One," a Canuck anthem just in time for the playoffs. It's a decent song, actually, with some slick production and decent flow. I like it. Though he drops fewer rhymes than the Bible's got psalms, Kyprios demonstrates a legit knowledge of the Canucks and proves himself a true fan. There are, however, some factual inaccuracies in the lyrics, which, as a super-famous Canuck blog co-writer, I feel obliged to correct, so as to avoid spreading fallacies amongst the Canuck fanbase.

40 years, 40 years
Won't be another one the champs are here

So far, so okay. With an appropriate amount of swagger, Kyprios asserts that after 40 years of no Stanley Cups, there won't be another one. This seems, perhaps, a bit brash: it implies, after all, that the Canucks will win the Stanley Cup every single season from now on. This is a bit too optimistic, though I understand the impetus behind such bravado. An alternate explanation might be that Kyprios expects either the world or the NHL to end after this season, which would be exceedingly pessimistic. Either interpretation paints Kyprios as a man prone to dangerous extremes in his beliefs.

Hank and Dank are in the building
They going in first like Barry Wilkins

Barry Wilkins is, of course, the defenseman who scored the first NHL goal in Vancouver Canucks history. He managed to score only four other goals that season, so here's hoping that the simile comparing the Sedins to Wilkins is grossly inaccurate. Quite frankly, it already is: the Sedins don't normally play the first shift of the game, so they are rarely "going in first." If he's referring to the offensive zone, it's generally Burrows' job to get in on the forecheck first. If Kyprios is referring to the powerplay, where the Sedins generally are first over the boards, he should have been more clear.

Hit first ask questions second
My man Tiger Williams taught me them lessons

While Tiger Williams certainly "hit first," asking questions was much further down his list of priorities, somewhere between "water the begonias" and "pick up drycleaning." Honestly, I'm not sure what kind of questions he might ask after laying out an opponent with a bodycheck: How's the weather down there? Have you read my cookbook? Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Recipients of his hits were not in the best frame of mind to answer questions in any case.

And we're destined, flyin' in the Western
We can beat you both ways like Ryan Kesler

Wait, is Kyprios admitting that he has physically assaulted Ryan Kesler? We can beat you both ways, just like we beat Ryan Kesler? Is he also saying that there are only two ways to beat someone? Judge Dredd would likely disagree with that. Of course, Kyprios is actually saying that the Canucks can win either by scoring goals or by preventing goals. That is factually inaccurate: the Canucks win by doing both at the same time.

Yessir, ya not even competitors
Listen up to Alex, and respect your Edlers

That's not inaccurate; that's just a terrible pun.

We got heroes, who beat you with pure play
We got Burrows, lookin' like Bure

The only way that Burrows looks like Bure is in regards to the first three letters of his name. At no point when they are on the ice do they look at all similar. They don't score goals in the same way, they don't skate the same way, and their facial features are entirely dissimilar. It is factually inaccurate to say that Burrows looks like Bure.

Fan my whole life, not a team quite this sick
Opposition goalies are the red light district

While I could quibble that it is extremely unlikely that Kyprios was a Canucks fan during his infancy, I won't. In fact, the rhyme of "quite this sick" with "light district" is solid, although Harrison feels Kyprios missed an attempt to sneak in a reference to "Bisquick".

Vancouver is a family
So we'll do it for Bourdon and we'll do it for Manny

Yeah, I can't argue with this one. Only one word appropriate for this couplet: werd.

Happy Anniversary
It's not the name on the back, rep the front of the jersey

Factual inaccuracy: the 40th Anniversary Jersey, which Kyprios is clearly referencing in this couplet, does not even have a name on the back. Thus, it would be impossible to play for the name on the back as it simply does not exist. QED.

Coach Vinny knows the Hammer gonna getcha,

This seems like something Mikael "Awkward Dad" Samuelsson might say to his kids while rough-housing: The Hammer's gonna getcha! It's gonna getcha! The part that is factually inaccurate, however, is that Alain Vigneault is not called "Coach Vinny." It makes him sound like an Italian-American mobster rather than a French-Canadian hockey coach. Vigneault is actually known as Monsieur Rondelle.

could be Keith Ballard or boom boom Bieksa

Kevin Bieksa's nickname is "Juice" not "Boom Boom." The only "Boom Boom" in hockey is Bernie "Boom Boom" Geoffrion, the supposed inventor of the slapshot. If Kyprios wanted to avoid the "Juice" appellation and go with a repetitious nickname of his own invention, I would suggest "Pinch Pinch" or "Slide Slide."

This is Kyprios, not Nick or Kiprusoff
Got me throwin' punches like pissin Rick Rypien off

Kyprios kindly clarifies that he is not Nick Kypreos, something @RealKyper_ never had the courtesy to do. Apparently confusing Kyprios with Nick Kypreos or, worse, Miikka Kiprusoff enrages Kyprios to the point of physical violence. Someone needs to notify him, however, that pissing Rick Rypien off leads to mild shirt tugs rather than punch-throwing.

Shootin' like Sammy, with Torres beside him

Kyprios shoots logos all over Vancouver. Any time you see a bullet hole in a logo, Kyprios put it there. Also, when Raffi Torres is next to him, Samuelsson hits logos with greater efficiency. There's nothing factually inaccurate about this, it just needed to be pointed out.

If they Called Raffi Cli, the boys couldn't find him

See, if you put "Cli" in front of Raffi's last name, it makes 12-year-old boys laugh. It doesn't, however, make Raffi more difficult to find, as the small campfire on his lower lip makes him stand out in a crowd no matter what prefix is added to his name. Factual inaccuracy.

Jokes, Laugh when I'm servin' ya
You know I love the Nucks like Pratt loves Ursula

In this, the darkest, most soul-searching part of the song, Kyprios admits to stalking the Vancouver Canucks, calling them at all hours of the night, and growling at them while wearing leather pants. It takes a lot of guts to admit you have a problem, Kyprios. I'm proud of you.

Great Dane, May Ray is the trickiest kid
Lap Dog, and Chris is getting Higgy with it

Jannik Hansen is from Denmark and he is pretty great. Placing his nickname so close to Mason Raymond's, however, only makes it seem like they are the same person. This is factually inaccurate. Also, no one calls Maxim Lapierre "Lap Dog" anymore, not since Steve Downie made that mistake. And while "Chris is getting Higgy with it" was one of the lamest things Dave Tomlinson has every said, I'm all for embracing it in true ironic hipster fashion. As long as it is said with full self-awareness that it is a lame thing to say, then it's awesome. That's how irony works, right?

Wild west, where you know how the song go
The Nucks are the number underneath of Luongo

No they are not. The Canucks are a hockey team composed of human beings with emotions, feeling, and stories. They are not numbers, they are free men! Reducing them to a number is just plain wrong. They're human beings, dammit! Treat them with some dignity!

From the What If Files: Aaron Rome's Empty-Net Goal

On March 29, in the dying seconds of a road game versus the Nashville Predators, Canucks' defenseman Aaron Rome scored his first goal as a Canuck. It was a 200-foot empty-netter, but that didn't make it any less special for Vancouver, who celebrated the rare occurrence (it was Rome's 100th game with the team) by mobbing him like he'd scored an overtime winner.

This touching moment almost didn't happen. As the puck drifted towards the goal line, Henrik Sedin quit skating and stuck his arms out, so as to prevent anybody from spoiling the moment. In that instant, any number of shocking things could have gone awry. Below, PITB has imagined three very plausible scenarios, with adorable artist's renderings by the fabulously talented Chloe Ezra.

-----------------

SCENARIO 1

Henrik skates like wildfire, catching up to the puck eight inches from the goal line. He changes its trajectory by one degree, earning credit for the goal. Then, before a stunned arena, he tears the C off his jersey, flashes the double guns Shane O'Brien style, and skates off, chanting "Henrik! Henrik!"

Artist's Rendering

SCENARIO 2

Shea Weber gains ground in a hurry. Determined to preserve Rome's special moment and paranoid that Weber is about to thwart it, Henrik tackles the Nashville defender, rugby-style.

Artist's Rendering

SCENARIO 3

No one touches the puck, but it catches a little mound of snow and misses the net. As it slides into the corner, Henrik retrieves it, then makes a no-look backhand saucer pass to Daniel, who pots the insurance goal. The visiting Vancouver fans chant "MVP! MVP!" Forgotten, Aaron Rome skates to the bench unnoticed. After the game, he finds a quiet place and journals.

Artist's Rendering

20 Reasons Daniel Sedin Is Bad at Penalty Shots

"I suck at this."

With Daniel Sedin's failed penalty shot attempt Friday, the NHL scoring leader is now 0-for-4 in his career on penalty shots, and it's never really been close. He's bad at it. He's so bad at it that Alain Vigneault used this most recent non-goal as an example of why Daniel never gets a chance in the shootout. It's a strange anomaly, really, especially considering that Daniel Sedin is a pretty fabulous scorer. Furthermore, he's in possession of one of the NHL's most accurate shots. You'd think he'd be money in these situations, but it would seem penalty shots and shootouts just aren't particularly suited for his game. Here are 20 possible explanations:

1. Every time he leaves a drop pass for Henrik, the referee stops play.
   
   
2. You're not allowed to go back and start again if the shooting lane isn't just right.
   
   
3. It's way easier to score when you have to knock the puck out of mid-air while simultaneously getting crosschecked in the back by two guys.
   
   
4. It's really bizarre not having your identical twin brother who plays on the same team as you on the ice with you at all times. Yep, that's what's bizarre.
   
   
5. In Sweden, instead of penalty shots, the shooter and the goaltender race to see who can build a cheap bookshelf the fastest.
   
   
6. Without being able to see the back of Henrik's jersey, Daniel can't tell which one he is, and forgets he's the goal scorer.
   
   
7. With Alex Burrows seated on the bench instead of splayed across the crease, Daniel is always taken aback by the fact that the net has a goaltender.
   
   
8. The league won't let him tape a poster of Henrik to the glass behind the goal as a reference point.
   
   
9. It's hard to put much mustard on a one-timer from centre ice.
   
   
10. Right before he goes to shoot, Henrik pulls him aside and says, Last year, when I won the Hart, I scored on a penalty shot. Did you know that the H on the back of my jersey stands for Hart? Anyway, don't blow it.
    
    
11. He's never gotten a chance against Miikka Kiprusoff.
    
    
    
12. Every time he sets up shop behind the net, the referee stops play.
    
    
13. Typically, Daniel just mimics what Henrik does, but after thirty seconds of sitting at the bench giving his brother a puzzled look, the referee just declares it a save.
    
    
14. On penalty shots, you're not allowed to jam the puck in on the rebound. If you've ever seen Daniel Sedin play hockey, this one's not much of a mystery.
    
    
15. If Henrik doesn't get his assist, it gets the hose.
    
    
16. He's so used to looking for his brother and so disoriented from all the open area, he keeps accidentally passing to his reflection in the ice.
    
    
17. Once he gains the blue line, he stops and waits for Henrik. But Henrik never shows up. Daniel's really worried about him, actually.
    
    
18. The Sedins' creepy wizard powers are enhanced by their proximity to one another. With every stride away from the bench, Daniel becomes weaker.
    
    
19. Henrik says goals you score in a penalty shots don't count towards your season totals.
    
    
20. He wanted the powerplay.

Injury to Malhotra Gives the Canucks Someone to "Do it For"

Yesterday, we learned that the Canucks will be without Manny Malhotra for the rest of the season due to eye injury. It was difficult to digest, and not just because Malhotra is a fantastic human being who doesn't deserve this terrible misfortune. Also, because Malhotra has been an invaluable member of the Canucks forward corps this season, and his contributions are irreplaceable. Since joining the team in the offseason, Manny has enlivened Vancouver's faceoff percentage, given their third line a cohesive identity, allowed the Canucks' offensive superstars to focus on scoring, and even reversed the Canucks' bad luck with bald players (after such winners as Eric Weinrich and Jan Bulis). Malhotra has done a lot, and his absence will be impossible not to feel.

But this doesn't mean the Canucks can't win without him, because they can. In fact, it's likely that they will win because of this unfortunate incident. I say this not to be insensitive or flippant, but because I've watched a lot of sports movies, and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that no team can win the championship until a role player goes down with an injury, thereby giving the team somebody to do it for.

It's a staple of sports films:

When everything seems to be going perfectly for the protagonist(s), one of the team members or supporting characters gets injured, providing an emotional roadblock that eventually becomes even further motivation to win.

The examples are endless: Gerry Bertier in Remember the Titans. Chet "Rocket" Steadman in Rookie of the Year. Adam Banks in Mighty Ducks: 2. James "Boobie" Miles in Friday Night Lights. Kelvin Owens in Gridiron Gang. Walter Cochran in The Replacements. Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. Carver in the woefully underrated Bring it On.

As far as I'm concerned, Malhotra's untimely injury basically guarantees us the title, by virtue of the precedent set in the movies I've watched. And ignore the so-called "critics" who would dismiss my optimism by calling this sports movie trope a "cliche," just because it's in a lot of movies. If you're unconvinced, your beef is with history; most of these movies are based on true stories (especially Mighty Ducks 2, which is very realistic--Iceland is a notorious hockey powerhouse).

Alain Vigneault said as much: "I think, to some extent, this could be a good rallying point for the guys." Good is an understatement. Crucial is more like it. No word on whether the entire team will shave their heads in solidarity. If they don't, from where I'm sitting, they're wasting a bonding opportunity. Imagine it: bald heads, playoff beards... it'd be a whole team of Shel Silversteins. Have you ever read The Giving Tree with a loved one? It's an emotional roller coaster. Shel Silverstein brings people together.

The evidence is incontrovertible. Manny Malhotra, consummate leader that he is, has gone down for the season to give the team that final piece of motivation and unity. He may not be on the starting roster, but Manny Malhotra is our angel in the outfield.




Disclaimer: I wish it went without saying, but this post is satire. In truth, Malhotra's injury is much bigger than hockey, he is in our prayers, and we wish him a speedy and complete recovery.

Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet Appendix

Back in January, we posted our second annual Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet, a guide to all of the players on the Vancouver Canucks for the recently baptized Canucks fan. It was an excellent introduction to the team for wives of diehard fans, Vancouverites who just noticed that the Canucks are at the top of the NHL standings, and Canadian hockey fans whose teams haven't won a game in the last 5 weeks.

The cheat sheet, unfortunately, is a little out of date. With the plethora of injuries to the Canucks' defensive corps, a number of prospects unexpectedly made their NHL debut. Additionally, the trade deadline brought two new players into the fold. With that in mind, we are introducing the first ever Appendix to the Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet.

:::::::::::::::::::: FORWARDS ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Mario Bliznak

About: Bliznak wears #62 and has been a checking-line center at pretty much every level of hockey. He has the potential to step in as the fourth-line center for the Canucks, though his awareness on the ice will need to drastically increase at the NHL-level. He is currently playing for the Moose.

Nickname(s): Bliznasty, Bliz, Blizzy, B to the Lizzy

My wife thinks he looks like I Am Weasel.

If he touches the puck, the puck is in the defensive zone. He doesn't touch the puck in the offensive zone.

Expect to hear: my wife and I shouting his name in the same tone of voice as Magnitude saying "Pop pop!"

Don't expect to hear: "It's-a me" because that's dumb.

Name: Guillaume Desbiens

About: Desbiens wears #34 and plays right wing. He outperformed numerous competitors for the fourth line out of training camp and played reasonably well for 13 games before injuring himself due to an inability to form a proper fist. He's currently with the Moose and is unlikely to make it back into the lineup this season. He has yet to record his first point in the NHL.

Nickname(s): Property, Props, Gilly

My wife thinks he looks like Zach Galifianakis with a shorter beard.

If he touches the puck, it will touch at least three other people before going in the net.

Expect to hear: "The Canucks need more of his physical brand of play."

Don't expect to hear: "Maybe if we put him with the Sedins..."

Name: Chris Higgins

About: Higgins wears #20 and plays left wing. He was acquired from the Florida Panthers at the trade deadline in another example of Mike Gillis and Dale Tallon being best bros. While currently sidelined with a broken thumb, Higgins is a hard-working, versatile forward expected to put some pressure on Mason Raymond for a spot on the second line. He's also expected to fill the SOB-sized hole at the Roxy.

Nickname(s): Higgs-Boson

My wife thinks he looks like Dale from Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers

If he touches the puck, he will possess it like the puck is Regan MacNeil.

Expect to hear: "Wow, Higgins spends a lot of time in the offensive zone."

Don't expect to hear: "I'm not sure that Higgins is working hard enough."

Name: Cody Hodgson

About: Hodgson wears #39 and plays center. He is the greatest prospect of all time. Everything about him is perfect. Nothing he does is wrong. Everything bad that happens to him is someone else's fault. He's great. Everyone likes him.

Nickname(s):

Silent G, CoHo

My wife thinks he looks like Corey Hart without sunglasses.

If he touches the puck, he will show incredible patience and strength on the puck, drawing comparisons to a young Sedin. Whichever one. Doesn't matter.

Expect to hear: "Oh my goodness, you guys, he is so good. Seriously."

Don't expect to hear: "We should have drafted Kyle Beach."

Name: Maxim Lapierre

About: Lapierre wears #40 and plays center. He was acquired at the trade deadline from the Anaheim Ducks. Although the Canucks were expected to seek out a fourth-line center at the deadline, no one expected it to be Lapierre. He can hit, play on the penalty kill, and make a general nuisance of himself, but he's also been known to take a few penalties. Making a marvelous first impression, he took a penalty on his first ever shift with the Canucks. That said, with the emergence of Burrows and Kesler as top-six forwards, it's nice to have someone else to fill the super-pest role.

Nickname(s): Max, Mad Max, Madder Max, Maddest Max, The Pierre, Lappy

My wife thinks he looks like Roberto Luongo's guido cousin.

If he touches the puck, the ref will blow the whistle for the delayed penalty.

Expect to hear: "I can't believe I used to hate this guy. What a great teammate!"

Don't expect to hear: "We traded Joel Perrault for this guy? We got fleeced!"

Name: Joel Perrault

About: Perrault wore #32 and doesn't play for the Canucks anymore. He was shipped out of town in a trade with the Anaheim Ducks for Maxim Lapierre. It was hoped that he would be the solution for the fourth-line center; it was not to be.

Nickname(s): Gone Daddy Gone

My wife thinks he looks like a genial porcupine.

If he touches the puck, he's in the middle of trying to win a faceoff.

Expect to hear: "Wait, he was on the Canucks? When?"

Don't expect to hear: "I can't believe we traded someone so essential to our playoff hopes."

Name: Rick Rypien

About: Rypien wears #37 and plays center. He is the closest thing the Canucks have to a dedicated enforcer. Unfortunately, he's severely undersized for the role. For comparison, George Parros is 6 inches taller and 30 pounds heavier than the pint-sized punchmaster. He does have the benefit, however, of having a Canadian Gold Gloves champion boxer for a father and it shows in his fighting style, as Rypien is equally adept at punching with both fists and is one of the few fighters who will actively block incoming punches like a boxer. Rypien is currently away from the team for personal reasons.

Nickname(s): Rypper, Ryp, Punchy McPuncherson

My wife thinks he looks like Boone Carlyle.

If he touches the puck, he'll either dump it into the corner or pull off a surprisingly sweet spin-o-rama. There is no in-between.

Expect to hear: "What's he doing?! That guy's a foot taller than he is!"

Don't expect to hear: "That was a clear-cut loss in that fight."

Name: Sergei Shirokov

About: Shirokov wears #25 and plays right wing. He is the only Russian in the Canucks system with any real chance of actually playing in the NHL. This led to a series of silly comparisons to Pavel Bure when Shirokov first showed up at training camp last season. Since Shirokov can actually be seen when he is skating at top speed, the comparisons are completely baseless. Shirokov currently leads the Manitoba Moose in scoring, causing many people who have never heard of Jason Krog to freak out that he's not already playing for the Canucks.

Nickname(s): Shirok, The Shark

My wife thinks he looks like a male Patsy Cline.

If he touches the puck, he will be shocked at how quickly a defender closed in on him.

Expect to hear: "Shirokov is a shifty little guy; look at how good he is at finding the open ice."

Don't expect to hear: "I Fall To Pieces"

:::::::::::::::::::: DEFENSEMEN ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Evan Oberg

About: Oberg wore #64 and plays for a different team. He was traded to the Florida Panthers to acquire Chris Higgins after Oberg took a nosedive down the depth chart from last season. He was 13th on the defensive depth chart and was swapped for a legitimate NHL player. Given the decimation of the Panthers at the deadline, he might be able to find a place in the lineup sooner rather than later. He's a fantastic puck carrier, but has significant issues with his defensive positioning.

Nickname(s): Mr. Samir Naga...Naga...Naga...Not gonna work here anymore, anyway.

My wife thinks he looks like Cory Monteith.

If he touches the puck, it'll be the only time he doesn't look out of place in the NHL.

Expect to hear: crickets.

Don't expect to hear: "Chris Tanev is just another Evan Oberg."

Name: Ryan Parent

About: Parent wears #20 and plays defense. He joined the team at the beginning of the season and has played a grand total of 4 games for the Canucks. Once a highly touted prospect, Parent has not panned out at the NHL level. He is now with the Moose and is unlikely to join the Canucks this season as he will need to clear waivers to do so.

Nickname(s): That One Guy

My wife thinks he looks like: Who the hell is that?

If he touches the puck, the puck is in the AHL.

Expect to hear: Go Moose go! Go Moose go!

Don't expect to hear: the Canucks called up Ryan Parent and this matters to me.

Name: Yann Sauvé

About: Sauvé wears #47 and plays defense. He evolves so much that he ought to be a Pokémon. Right now he's a land mammal with the Manitoba Moose.

Nickname(s): Ianto Jones, Yanni, Rico

My wife thinks he looks like James Franco while hosting the Academy Awards.

If he touches the puck, he'll make the safe play. Moms are completely comfortable with their daughters going out on dates with him, he's so safe.

Expect to hear: "Wait, you mean I can't make this suave joke I've been saving up?"

Don't expect to hear: "Yo Yann, I'm really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but Jan Bulis was the greatest Yan of all time. Of all time!"

Name: Lee Sweatt

About: Sweatt wears #57 and plays defense. He has been favorably compared to Brian Rafalski. Like Rafalski, Sweatt is undersized for a defenceman and was forced to start his professional career in Europe. Also like Rafalski, he won the Pekka Rautakallio trophy for best defenceman in the Finnish SM-Liiga. Sweatt scored the game winning goal on his first shot in his first NHL game against the Nashville Predators. He was sidelined with a broken foot just before he got sent down to the Manitoba Moose. His brother, Bill Sweatt is also a prospect for the Canucks.

Nickname(s): The Little Fire Hydrant, Rudy, Ryan Brafalski

My wife thinks he looks like: Sean Astin in Rudy

If he touches the puck, then the Canucks have too many injured defensemen again.

Expect to hear: "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy..."

Don't expect to hear: "It's nice to finally have a defenseman with some size."

Raffi Torres, Human Bowling Ball: Photoshop Gallery 1

You might recall the Raffi Torres bowling ball image (BallTor) from the minor photoshop party we tried to jumpstart last week. It comes from this goal, Raffi's second of the night in a 5-2 win over the Dallas Stars. The goal led to this photo, which is wonderful for many, many reasons, chief amongst them the fact that Raffi, often referred to as a human bowling ball, couldn't have looked more like one if he'd worn all black and let someone put fingers in his eyes and mouth.

Anyhow, the meme has begun to take off, and PITB's gifted scores of doctored Raffi Torres photos in the last few days. We've seen a byfuglienian buttload of good ones at this point, and it's high time we shared some with you. Behold, gallery 1:

The brilliant egatti sticks with the bowling ball theme. Here's a classic Bill Murray still from Kingpin. I like it, but I'm concerned about where Murray's fingers are.

And here's another from egatti, taken from perhaps the greatest bowling movie of all time. Raffi's slight rotation is unfortunate.

Can you spot Raffi Torres? Hint: he's in the egg. Again, it's egatti, who is brilliant at this sort of thing, and it's always a treat when you can draw him out into the open.

Here's one from the bizarrely named Rubbed by Luongo. It's hilarious to me how excited Raffi looks to being scooped into the cone. He's probably been waiting in the bucket forever.

SirWilliam finally answers the question of what happened to the dinosaurs. Apparently, the same thing that happened to the Buffalo Sabres last season.

Mr. Wiggles makes brilliant use of Raffi's extended leg here. I never would have thought of this.

I've never played Angry Birds, but people tell me that's what this avelanch photoshop is. It's kind of awesome, whatever it is.

Okay, this must have taken MikeyD forever. It's brilliant, but wow, that's a time-consuming project. I wonder if the dog eats around the sticks.

Glen gives us this imaginative entry, which paints a remarkable picture. My favourite part is that no one appears to actually be watching Raffi serve them, which begs the philosophical question: if a man is served unobserved, is he really served?

You've gotta love the topical ones, as avelanch gives us Blake Griffin dunking Torres. Word is Demar DeRozan grumbled about the use of props, but he might have changed his tune if Griffin had dunked a midget.

Someone on the forum asked for Raffi as the giant rolling rock from Indiana Jones, and this, from marinated.pea, is what they got instead. Part of me likes it better.

And finally, Rozzy91 with the best animated gif ever. I can't figure out if the splatter is Raffi exploding, or his skate catching the woman in the nose. Either way, this thing is pure win.

GALLERY 1 - - - - - - - - - - GALLERY 2

From the What If Files: Vigneault Injected With Truth Serum

You, Brad Ziemer. You're the one I hate. I hate you.

Alain Vigneault is a coach who really knows how to use the media, not to garner attention, like Ron Wilson, but to make his team better. Some of us even go so far as to point out when he does it. Still, while Vigneault is at his most effective while using the media to his own advantage, it's hard to deny he's funniest when he loses his composure a little bit. Wouldn't it be great if, just once, he were biochemically forced to tel us all what he really thought? Consider the following scenario:

VANCOUVER -- Police are looking for a suspect who may have administered sodium amytal, a so-called "truth serum," to Canucks head coach Alain Vigneault Tuesday night before a media scrum.

The Canucks coach was tested for drugs after making several "overly appropriate" comments to the media following a 3-2 loss to the Montreal Canadiens.

"[expletive deleted]," Vigneault said to reporters. "[expletive deleted]. Bet [expletive deleted] Boudreau would [expletive deleted] be [expletive deleted] proud of that [expletive deleted] one, wouldn't he? [expletives deleted]."

Before what he called his "Gary Bettman hearing a Canadian team has made the Cup Final" impression, Vigneaut had several other comments, more printable but much less shocking.

"Before he even got to the microphone, he said 'Oh, you're here. I hate you so much,'" reported Brad Ziemer of Puckworld. "That was sort of a joke we have going where he pretends to hate me, and I pretend to be chicken little. Nothing odd about that."

It was Vigneault's later comments that raised eyebrows.

"That PK Subban's an annoying kid, isn't he?" Vigneault said. "He even had Kes getting back into old habits between whistles a bit. What a jerk."

When asked about the power play, Vigneault didn't -- probably physically couldn't -- mince words.

"Best power play in the league, and we can't score 5 on 3," Vigneault said, his voice getting louder than was really necessary. "We've never scored on a 5 on 3. If we're on the power play, seems the easiest way to stop us would be to take another penalty."

Vigneault then yelled expletives down the hall, calling Newell Brown out by name.

"I said before the game that we would play to our strengths and the Canadiens would play to theirs," Vigneault said. "Of course, that's hard for us, because we have so many strengths."

"It's easy for a team like Montreal, whose strengths include playing defensively, having a good goaltender, and representing the lollipop guild," Vigneault said. "Our strengths are offensive, defensive, on the power play, on the penalty kill, five on five, on the forecheck, on the backcheck, cycling, off the rush, and apparently on the Scrabble board."

This last was in reference, likely, to Tanner Glass and his upcoming Scrabble battle with immensely famous blogger Harrison Mooney.

Members of the media said the Canucks coach's frankness was surprising, but that they weren't above taking advantage.

"I asked if Gillis was likely to make a trade for a fourth line center during the deadline," said Iain MacIntyre, reporter for the Vancouver Sun. "He went on a complete tangent. It was pretty great."

"Oh, [expletive deleted], I forgot to give Hodgson a real chance out there," Vigneault said. "I should have known better. Oh well, two games to go."

"Gillis is always willing to make a trade," Vigneault continued. "He's not like Nonis. Nonis would stand pat at the deadline. Once, we were playing draw poker, and Nonis stood pat with four to a flush. It's just his way."

At this point, apparently remembering they had a job to do, Canucks personnel cut Vigneault's mic and escorted him away, but not before he punched one of them, shouting afterward, "I wish that had been Gary Bettman."

Mike Gillis was unavailable for comment regarding the incident, but Dave Nonis responded to Vigneault's comments, saying, "I had a pair, too."

The Canuck Academy Awards

In honor of the Academy Awards coming up this Sunday, we here at Pass it to Bulis have taken it upon ourselves to award our own versions of the Academy Awards to our beloved Vancouver Canucks. Like the actual Academy Awards, it's incredibly self-congratulatory, but that's just fine. After all, the Canucks are first place in the NHL, Daniel is leading the NHL in points, and Pass it to Bulis gets more and more famous every day. So let's take this opportunity to feel good about the team, pat each other on the back, and dress up like we're going to a shindig on Persephone.

THE WINNERS

Writing (Original Screenplay): James Duthie and Roberto Luongo for "The Heart of a Poet: A Moment of Luongo"

An easy win for the the superfriends for this incredibly entertaining TSN segment. "Rhinoceros hips" alone was a brilliant bit of writery. I'm going to give Luongo a co-writing credit on this one because I'm feeling charitable and assuming he made a few ad-libs in-between poems.

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Writing (Adapted Screenplay): Rollie Melanson for "The Butterfly Effect"

Melanson has done a fantastic job adapting Luongo to a new style of goaltending that keeps him deeper in his net, more efficient in his movements, and more focused in the face (or buttocks) of adversity. This adaptation has taken time, as Luongo struggled early in the season, but he is now second in wins and in the top-5 in save percentage and goals against average. While the playoffs will be the true test of whether Melanson's adaptation is as good as Charlie and Donald Kaufman's "Adaptation.," which was only nominated for Best Writing (Adapted Screenplay), Luongo is looking sharp and claiming to be better than ever.

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Visual Effects: The Sedins for "Wizardous Sedinerie"

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Sound Mixing: Rick Bowness for "Ham-Juice"

With the multitude of injuries on the defensive end, Bowness has had to be especially creative with how he mixed his defensive pairings and has done a remarkable job. His pairing of Dan Hamhuis and Kevin Bieksa at the beginning of the season paid immediate dividends as a shutdown pairing, but I've been especially impressed with his mix-and-match patchwork defense in response to injuries. Rome and Tanev together sounds like a potential disaster, but they were the best pairing on the ice against Dallas on Saturday.

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Sound Editing: The Sedins for "Wizardous Sedinerie"

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Short Film (Live Action): Lee Sweatt for "Rudy"

Sweatt bears a strong resemblance to Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger, both in stature and facial features, a fact not lost on his Canuck teammates, who chanted "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy" prior to his first ever NHL game. And just like a Hollywood sports movie, Sweatt had an inspiring finish, scoring the gamewinning goal. Also, he's short. Short film. It's funny.

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Short Film (Animated): Jeff Tambellini for "Tamby's Magic Shooty Spot"

Like Sweatt, Tambellini is short. Unlike Sweatt, Tambellini has managed to stay in the lineup long-term. A big reason for this is Tamby's magic shooty spot, that small patch of ice near the right faceoff dot that seems to impart magical accuracy to Tambellini's stick. Unfortunately, he hasn't been able to get to that patch of ice recently and has found himself demoted to the fourth line and is in danger of gorging on press-box popcorn with Cody Hodgson on his way back up from the Moose.

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Music (Original Song): The Sedins for "Wizardous Sedinerie"

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Music (Original Score): Cody Hodgson for "Scoring a Goal"

Hodgson's first ever NHL goal, his original score in other words, was a beauty. Sure, it wasn't a great shot, but it was effective. More impressive was his ability to fend off the barrage of stick-lifts and the patience he showed in getting to a prime scoring area. Other nominees in this category were Mario Bliznak, Alexandre Bolduc, Lee Sweatt, Aaron Volpatti, and Sergei Shirokov. Shirokov's effort was the closest competitor for Hodgson, but Shirokov is clearly the black sheep boy of the Canucks' prospects, whereas Hodgson carries the golden fleece.

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Makeup: Mike Gillis for "The Vancouver Canucks"

Gillis has convinced me that he knows what he's doing, and one of the areas that has been getting a bit more attention lately is the psychological makeup of the team. His acquisition of Manny Malhotra has provided an instant leadership upgrade, the establishment of Henrik Sedin as Captain instilled a calm, business-like demeanor, and his demands on Ryan Kesler to mature as a person have made Kesler a better, more-focused hockey player. People have laughed at Gillis innovations like the Mind Room, but it's hard to argue with the mindset of this Canucks team.

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Foreign Language Film: Alex Burrows for "Win Da Turd"

During the pre-season, Burrows was still recovering from off-season shoulder surgery. In a burst of inspiration, he was asked to provide colour commentary for the Canucks and he was delightful. You could barely understand a word he said, but it was enjoyable nonetheless. At some point during one of those broadcasts, Burrows made the observation that the Canucks needed to "win da turd." A few enterprising Canucks fans jumped on the phrase and began spreading "win da turd" across Twitter. It's now a staple of the Twitter-verse during Canucks games and a worthy winner of this award.

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Film Editing: The Sedins for "Wizardous Sedinerie"

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Documentary Short Subject: Lee Sweatt for "Seriously Guys, He's Short"

Seriously.

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Documentary Feature: The Sedins for "Wizardous Sedinerie"

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Directing: Alain Vigneault for "V for Vigneault"

Mike Gillis made the decision to keep Vigneault when he became the GM of the Canucks and it appears to have been an excellent decision. There are some who would argue that Vigneault's job should be easy given the conglomeration of talent on the Canucks' roster. Those people are silly. It's not an easy task keeping such a strong ensemble cast focused and ready day-by-day, game-by-game, but Vigneault has been up to it. He even has some prominent mysterious third contributors to popular Canucks' blogs arguing that he should be considered for the Jack Adams award this year. He just might deserve it.

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Costume Design: Fin for "Green Man"

It doesn't get much better than that.

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Cinematography: The Sedins for "Wizardous Sedinerie"

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Art Direction: The Sedins for "Wizardous Sedinerie"

In case you haven't noticed, the Sedins clean up in all the technical categories.

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Animated Feature Film: Jannik Hansen for "Beaker: Based on a True Story"

Hansen is my favorite forechecker, but his talents aren't limited to his dogged determination on the ice. His voice work for the animated biopic of Beaker from The Muppets is sublime. You can tell he put his heart and soul into the role.

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Actor in a Supporting Role: Manny Malhotra for "The Enabler"

Malhotra is the ultimate supporter, gaining few accolades for himself but constantly improving the performances of those around him. I have to be careful about singing his praises too much, as I might make him ineligible for the one award that he might actually win this year: the Fred J. Hume award as the unsung hero of the Canucks.

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Actor in a Leading Role: Ryan Kesler for "Forget the Selke, I'm Going for the Hart"

Kesler is very clearly the leading man of the Canucks. Sure, the Sedins are having brilliant seasons, with Daniel having jumped to the lead for the Art Ross trophy, but they're just not sexy. Meanwhile, Kesler is appearing on the cover of video games, posing for pictures in his underwear, being named one of BC's most beautiful people, and scoring goals by the bucket-load. While he's been a two-time Selke runner-up, Kesler is now being discussed for the Hart trophy as his offensive production has begun to outshine his defensive contributions. Ryan Kesler is clearly in the leading role for the Canucks, while the Sedins get to win all the technical awards that are incredibly important but no one really cares about.

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Best Picture: Tanner Glass for "Glass Half-Full (Of Bears)"

I just saw Black Swan last night. This picture is almost as good.

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Conversation Hearts, For the NHLer Who Simply Can't Find the Words

Sometimes, you just can't find the words, and on a day like Valentine's Day--a day especially made for the expression of true-hearted sentiment--that simply will not do. Thankfully, when your tongue gets tied, you can reach into a box of Sweethearts and find the secrets of your heart already expressed (provided the secrets of your heart fit on the candy).Well, NHLers are no different, and this Valentine's Day, they're here to tell you, sometimes the words are on the tip of your tongue, if you're eating a piece of candy that has those words on it:

From: Alex Burrows | To: Teammates

From: The Puck | To: Jannik Hansen

From: Alain Vigneault | To: Gum

From: Andrew Peters | To: Everyone

From: Keith Ballard | To: Milan Michalek

From: Alex Bolduc | To: His shoulder

From: Manny Malhotra | To: The Linesman

From: Daniel Sedin | To: The Art Ross Trophy

From: Kevin Bieksa | To: Mike Gillis

From: Henrik Sedin | To: Daniel Sedin

From: Eklund | To: The wrong person

From: Alain Vigneault | To: Aaron Rome

From: Christian Ehrhoff | To: Alex Edler

From: Mikael Samuelsson | To: Team Sweden

From: Mason Raymond | To: Ryan Kesler

From: The NHL Head Office | To: Dale Tallon

From: Darren Pang | To: Alex Pietrangelo

From: Darren Pang | To: PK Subban

From: Sidney Crosby | To: Gary Bettman

From: Jeremy Roenick | To: Matt Cooke

From: Rick DiPietro | To: Brent Johnson

From: Peter Chiarelli | To: Brian Burke

From: Pierre McGuire | To: Everyone Ever

From: Bruce Boudreau | To: The Washington Capitals

From: Gary Bettman | To: The Israelites