From the Archives: Tomorrow's Headlines Today

On Friday, October 8th, 2010, the day before the puck dropped to begin the Canucks' regular season, we at PITB made some bold predictions about the headlines this season of hockey might generate. With the regular season set to expire after tonight's HNIC tilt with the Calgary Flames, we thought it might be a good idea to go back and see how many if these predictions turned out to be stone-cold prophecies.

As it turns out, the answer is one. Exactly six months ago yesterday, I predicted that Raffi Torres would be suspended four games for a headshot. No lie, I sailed right into the mystic on that one. You'll forgive me if I quit my job, invest in small tent, some hanging beads and a dry ice machine, and begin plying my trade as a carnival seer. Looks like I've got the psychic goods.

But don't take my word for it. Check it out for yourself, and maybe ignore the other nineteen I got wrong. Anyway. Here, for your perusal, is Tomorrow's Headlines Today: This Season's Canuck News, an original PITB article.

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From the 'What If' Files: The Luongo Hat-Trick

Having gone 16-1-2 in their last nineteen games (or, 13-1-2 since Head Poke Kid), the Canucks are riding a wave of positivity so grand it makes unbiased reporting impossible. How can the Vancouver media, typically blessed to cover a team so consistently mediocre, remain neutral when the play of the Canucks is awe-inspiring?

Nitpick, that's how. And forecast future negatives. Maybe the Canucks have peaked too early. What if there's an injury? What if the move the Canucks make to clear up capspace for Salo creates a hole in their depth? Well, we at PITB aren't in the business of forecasting potential negatives (although we dabble in babcocking). As the alternative media, we seek to be alternative at every turn. If the mainstream media is imagining things that could potentially go very wrong, we're going to imagine things that could go potentially right. What if, for example, the Roberto Luongo got a hat-trick in Madison Square Garden? Consider the following not impossible scenario:

VANCOUVER --- The Canucks continue to find unique ways to win hockey games. Tonight it was with secondary scoring from an unlikely source: netminder Roberto Luongo.

"Luongo singlehandedly won us da turd," said Alex Burrows.

The Vancouver goalie scored the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd goals of his NHL career in a frantic final two minutes that saw the New York Rangers allow three goals with the net empty.

The first came as the Rangers trailed 2-1 in the final minutes, and pulled goaltender Henrik Lundqvist for an extra attacker. After gaining the red line, Michael del Zotto dumped the puck in. Unfortunately, it landed right on the stick of Roberto Luongo. Sensing he had a little time and space, he cleared it the length of the ice himself, and after taking a fortuitous bounce, it was in. It was the first goal of Luongo's career.

It wouldn't be the last.

Undeterred, the Rangers kept the net empty off the faceoff. After winning the draw, they fired the puck into the Canucks' end. Again, however, Luongo cleared it to center ice.

Marc Staal picked up the puck. Pressured in the neutral zone by Alex Burrows, he sent a pass back into his own zone for del Zotto, who whiffed on it and watched, helplessly, as it trickled in.

The last Canuck to touch the puck: Roberto Luongo, who made NHL history by being the first goalie to score two goals in a game.

He would get one more in even more unlikely fashion. After making an incredible kicksave in the dying moments, the puck passed everybody and slid out to center ice. There, it was picked up by Sean Avery who, knowing Luongo had the last Canucks' touch and sensing an opportunity to be a part of NHL history, slammed the puck back into his own net with 2.1 seconds to go.

A hat trick. From a goaltender. You have to believe this is the only time we'll ever see something to bizarre.

"Hopefully, that's the last time someone criticizes my puckhandling abilities," said Luongo after the game.

After the game, however, fans remained unimpressed, as Luongo let in a bad goal to lose another shutout bid, and forgot to give his stick away.

ICE CHIPS: Immediately following the game, Sean Avery was seen going into John Tortorella's office. He has not been heard from since.

And there you have it. It may not be plausible, but it's not impossible. And, considering the run the Canucks are on, I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss this.

Okay, now dismiss it.

Can't Spell Canucks Without S-U-C-K: A Super Cynical Season Preview

While Harrison prognosticated the inevitable headlines of the upcoming Canucks season to our readership (aka myself and our wives), I'm taking a different tack with my Canucks season preview. All sorts of experts (and Barry Melrose) are picking the Canucks to win not only the Northwest division, but also the Stanley Cup. The Hockey News made the Canucks their favorite to win the Stanley Cup in their annual Yearbook. Even the non-humans are jumping on the Canucks bandwagon, as the AI in EA's NHL 11 has predicted that Vancouver will be hoisting the cup in 2011. You can read dozens of Canucks previews outlining all the ways that the Canucks are good; it would be, quite frankly, incredibly boring to write another in a litany of positive previews.

I'm not here to be the voice of reason, as that would simply entail encouraging Canucks fans to temper their expectations to avoid being disappointed by a good, but not great, season. The voice of reason would remain cautiously optimistic, while suggesting that the Canucks and their fans shouldn't be disappointed if the Canucks don't win the conference or even the division, that simply getting into the playoffs can be counted as a success due to the unpredictable nature of a hockey season with its injuries and unlucky bounces.

Not me. I'm here to be the voice of cold, hard cynicism. I'm here to say that whatever could go wrong will go wrong. This is a Super Cynical Season Preview and I'm not going to pull any punches.*

Offense

Many experts point to the Canucks' offense as being their main strength and why not? After all, they finished second in goal-scoring to the Washington Capitals last season, partly on the strength of Henrik Sedin's Art Ross and Hart Trophy winning career year. But therein lies the rub: it was a career year, a massive jump in points from his career average. Even if you only include his post-lockout numbers, Henrik has averaged 78.5 points per season, a far cry from the 112 he posted last year. It would be foolish to assume he will continue at his pace from last season when the rest of his career so blatantly disagrees. Many experts, including Henrik himself, agree that it's unrealistic to expect him to reach such lofty heights this season.

The issue is that Henrik's not the only one coming off a career year. Joining him last year were his brother Daniel, Kesler, Raymond, Samuelsson, Burrows, Ehrhoff, and Edler. It would be unrealistic to expect these players to maintain their numbers after a career year, let alone improve on them. The most worrying thing about this list is that these 8 players were the Canucks' top-8 scorers last year. Add in the fact that a player like Mikael Samuelsson had his shooting percentage almost double from the previous year, and you have all the makings of an inevitable statistical regression.

Additionally, the Canucks are starting the season without their top goal-scorer from last season, Alex Burrows, as he has been placed on Long Term Injured Reserve after shoulder surgery in the summer. He will miss a minimum of 10 games, which means the Canucks will be missing their leading goal-scorer for 12% of the season. Replacing him on the top line will be Mikael Samuelsson, whose shooting percentage, as I already mentioned, is bound to regress towards the mean.

All of these signs point towards fewer goals scored and a less potent offense. By less potent, I mean that they'll struggle to score goals on a Calgary Flames level, or on a Canucks-from-just-three-seasons-ago level. Out of curiosity, I calculated the goal-per-game averages for every player on the Canucks roster: the resultant total for all the players on the roster was 2.51 goals per game. This goals-per-game average would have placed the Canucks at 27th in the NHL last season, tied with the Oilers. Anyone predicting the Canucks will exceed this total is assuming that the majority of the players on the roster will exceed their career averages, an assumption that is not just overly optimistic, but deluded.

Defence

The praise lauded on Mike Gillis for improving the Canucks defensive depth this off-season seems, at first glance, to be warranted. He made a splash at the draft in trading the Canucks first round pick, sniper Michael Grabner, and power forward Steve Bernier for YouTube sensation Keith Ballard and acquired the most sought-after defenceman in free agency in Dan Hamhuis. Most Canucks fans assumed that with these two acquisitions meant last season's goat, Kevin Bieksa, was on his way out the door.

Instead, in an entirely expected turn of events, Sami Salo tore his achilles tendon while playing floorball and will miss 4-6 months of the season, if not the entire year. The oft-injured Salo has been a key member of the Canucks throughout his career. Since the lockout, the Canucks have a record of 179-109-29 with Salo in the lineup and 45-37-11 without Salo in the lineup in the regular season. Suffice it to say, the Canucks are a better team with Salo.

In addition, the Canucks lost key minute-muncher Willie Mitchell, who signed with the Kings in free agency. Mitchell averaged over 22 minutes of ice time per game throughout his time with the Canucks, and consistently faced the highest quality of competition while doing so. In the absence of Willie Mitchell, the Canucks have no clear shutdown defenceman.

The Canucks have also been praised for their defensive depth, as they started training camp with nine proven NHL defencemen and a slew of hopefuls. Indeed, it's eerily similar to last year's training camp, where they started camp with, what are the odds, nine NHL defencemen after acquiring Christian Ehrhoff, Brad Lukowich, and Matthieu Schneider in the off-season. What happened? Brad Lukowich elected for shoulder surgery while playing in the AHL, Schneider turned into a little bitch-bot, and Mitchell got Malkin'd and missed the end of the season and the playoffs. The Canucks vaunted defensive depth torpedoed to the point that Shane "Pain Lion" O'Brien had to play 22 minutes a night in the playoffs and Sami Salo had to play with (allegedly) only one testicle intact.

Already the Canucks vaunted defensive depth has gone up in smoke as SOB has been traded for first-round disappointment Ryan Parent and, once again, Aaron Rome is the Canucks' seventh defenceman. Slotting in at number six on the depth chart is the man of many nicknames, Andrew "A-Minor, AHLberts, Give Us Barabbas" Alberts, who was deplored at the end of last season for his slowness, ill-timed penalties, and general uselessness. Hamhuis and Ballard have been praised for their durability, but with Ballard coming off hip surgery and Hamhuis being asked to play more minutes in the absence of Salo, an injury seems almost inevitable. And while the depth chart on defence looks nice now, it will be a different story by the time April rolls around.

Goaltending

Roberto Luongo is a fantastic goalie...if you're in a fantasy hockey league. Unfortunately, the NHL is real life and Roberto Luongo has been getting worse and worse every season he has been with the Canucks. In 2006-07, Luongo seemed like the goalie he was deemed to be, with a solid 2.29 GAA and a .921 SV%. The following season saw the first sign of trouble as his GAA bumped up to 2.38 and his SV% dropped to .917. Last season, his statistical regression continued as his GAA ballooned to 2.57 and his SV% hit .913. In his entire career, the only season he posted worse numbers was his rookie year with the Islanders.

It doesn't end there. In the playoffs last season, Luongo had the worst GAA and the second-worst SV% of any goalie who played at least 12 games. Things got to the point that Luongo's chosen goaltending coach was fired and Rollie Melanson hired without Luongo being consulted. Optimists will say that having Rollie Melanson as a full-time goaltending coach will turn around the trend of Luongo's numbers. I cynically say that asking a goaltender to make wholesale changes to his game will negatively affect his play and we're likely in for the worst year of Luongo goaltending yet.

Backing up Luongo is unproven Cory Schneider, who has posted great numbers in the AHL, but has been shaky in his brief time in the NHL, posting a 3.59 GAA and a .896 SV% in 10 games. Considering that these are worse career numbers than Andrew Raycroft, who was serviceable as the Canucks back-up last season, and you can see the reason for concern.

With the Canucks' offensive prowess last season, they often won despite their goaltending. If they are unable to score their way out of trouble this season, expect to see a lot more losses.

History

As Justine Galo accurately pointed out, "Canucks fans have a lot to be humble about." The Vancouver Canucks have a long history (approximately 40 years) of stunning mediocrity. As I pointed out during the summer with the Canucks Mount Suckmore, what often defines the Canucks is the eras of shame more than the eras of success. The Canucks have made it to the Stanley Cup Finals only twice in their history, bowing out once in four straight, and coming achingly close in seven games in 1994. Their historical win-loss record is a painful 1248-1363-379-64.

In more recent history, the results aren't much better. I distinctly remember a season in which the Canucks were hyped as Stanley Cup contenders guaranteed to make the playoffs while steamrolling through the Northwest division with ease. That year? 2007-08. That was one year removed from Luongo's first season wearing the Orca when the Canucks posted a record-setting 105 points in the regular season, winning the Northwest division and coming out on top in a thrilling seven-game series against the Dallas Stars before losing in the second round to the eventual Stanley Cup Champion Anaheim Ducks. The experts agreed: Vancouver was on their way to the top and was a legitimate cup contender.

Instead, the Canucks slumped magnificently, finishing dead last in the Northwest, capped off with three straight losses at the end of the season. Not a single player scored 30+ goals, nor did any member of the Canucks manage a point-per-game pace. It was a sad send-off for Canucks legend Trevor Linden, who retired shortly after the season ended. This season, once again the Canucks are hyped as cup contenders, guaranteed to make the playoffs. Are we in for a similar collapse?

The Canucks management and ownership are well aware of the history of failure and mediocrity in Vancouver, as they have purchased the Vancouver Millionaires trademarks in order to more closely associate the Millionaires with the Canucks. It seems obvious to say, but the Millionaires are not the Canucks and are in no way associated with the Canucks except for the fact that they played in Vancouver. The Millionaires' final season was in 1925-26 and the Canucks did not come into existence until 1945-46, 20 years later. The Millionaires Stanley Cup win in 1915 has no relation to the Canucks success, however much the Canucks owners and management might want it to.

The Bottom Line

Canucks fans, on the whole, are a self-loathing bunch, at least when they're not a Canucks-loathing bunch. We desperately want to be optimistic about the upcoming season, but years of disappointment have soured us, turning us into bitter old men and women before our time. Because of years of disappointment, we already know, deep-down, that this season will be just one more year of heartbreak.

This preview may seem overly cynical**, but if the Canucks start the season 0-3 like they did last year, you can expect this to be the majority opinion on the Canucks.com messageboards, Team 1040 phonelines, and your co-workers who just realized that the NHL season started on Thursday. Because even though we're Canucks fans, we're also incredibly moody and irrational, jumping to conclusions like we're Tom Smykowski, not only after every game, but after every play. The players who are our heroes now, will, with one misplayed puck, become the goats. One moment a player is starring in a commercial for the NHL, the next you're vilified for costing the Canucks a playoff series. What seems overly cynical now may soon be your opinion.

Go Canucks Go.

* The above post does not accurately reflect the views of its author, who is hopelessly optimistic for the coming season, believing that Henrik will brazenly defy the odds and post 100+ points, that Dan Hamhuis is really Jyrki Lumme in disguise, and that Roberto Luongo will have the best season of his career under the tutelage of Melanson. He has already begun construction of his own parade float. Please don't hate me, I'm sensitive.

** Of course it's overly cynical, didn't you read the title?

Tomorrow's Headlines Today: This Season's Canuck News

The Vancouver Canucks begin their pursuit of the Stanley Cup tomorrow night at Rogers Arena against the Los Angeles Kings, and we at PITB are pumped. We're pumped because we love hockey and we love the Canucks, but we're also pumped because a fresh season of hockey means a fresh season of stories bizarre, fascinating, and unthinkable. Every season of Canucks hockey brings unexpected news, from Burrows' Augergate to Luongo's Knobgate to Samuelsson's Snubgate. Oh yes, there will be plenty of -gates this year and you can bet the Vancouver hockey media guys will cover all of it. It's their job. But, if you can't wait for ridiculous news to happen -- if, like Kyle Chandler in Early Edition, you want to know tomorrow's headlines today -- here are 20 news stories you can expect to see.

1. The Canucks lose to the Ottawa Senators in January, prompting Iain MacIntyre to write: Sedin Wrong Choice for Captain. The article will detail Daniel Sedin's three-goal night, how he took the team on his shoulders and nearly won the game single-handedly, and why he might be a better choice for captain than Henrik Sedin, who only managed three lousy assists.
   
   
2. After a game against the Nashville Predators, Stephane Auger will speak out against Alex Burrows. Burrows Made Racist Remarks, Auger Claims, will be the headline of Jason Botchford's article. In it, Auger will allege that Burrows made an Anti-Francophone remark to Auger in French while diving to sell a call. Ron Maclean will back up Auger, alleging that, not only is this true, but everybody agrees that Alex Burrows sells poison milk to schoolchildren.
   
   
3. Tony Gallagher's Litany of Goalless Games Unacceptable For Third-Line Player will examine Tanner Glass's permanent status on the third line and whether or not his offensive production is where it needs to be for such an assignment. The article will be enough for Glass to lose his job in the NHL, and he'll sign next season with Atlant, skating on a line with Kyle Wellwood. Their remarkable lack of chemistry will only plummet Kyle Wellwood's stock, forcing Wellwood to sign with the Zapotec Totems of the Mexican Elite League.
   
   
4. Scott Rintoul will write a veiled retraction titled, Okay, Where Won't the Parade Route Go? after fan outcry that his previous article jinxed the team.
   
   
5. The TSN Web Editor will write Canucks Tame Wild after the Canucks beat the Minnesota Wild, and Qris will lose his mind.
   
   
6. The Kurtenblog will be invited on a Canucks road trip and gain some valuable insights into the Canucks off the ice. Their subsequent blog post will reveal that Ryan Kesler is actually a cheap douche and everybody hates playing the Wii with him. It will be titled, In NBA Jam, Kesler is Always the Miami Heat. Upon discovering that Kesler is a bit of a prick, fans will forget he always was and it never mattered before, then run him out of town. No bloggers will be invited to anything ever again. Thanks a lot, Mike and Jason.
   
   
7. Ian Walker's Burrows is Good at Hockey; By the Way, I Married Bif Naked will inexplicably get past his editor and find its way to the Vancouver Sun's Puckworld. It will touch on hockey once or twice, but mainly be full of non sequiturs and irreverent personal statements, like his Scene & Heard series.
   
   
8. Pass it to Bulis will continue to follow Kyle Wellwood's hugely successful season in Russia, culminating in Wellwood's World, Vol. 15: Wellwood Playing Like a Man Possessed, in which we will report that Wellwood has actually been possessed by a malevolent Russian hockey ghost. Moscow is a crazy place.
   
   
9. Jim Jamieson's Henrik Wins Heart Trophy will be a touching off-ice piece about the kids at the BC Children's Hospital giving Henrik a heart-shape thank-you card made out of construction paper. Daniel will again be snubbed. During his acceptance, Henrik will dryly joke, "Nobody can say you're the better philanthropist right now." Full of rage at being passed over yet again, Daniel will take more slapshots.
   
   
10. Kevin Bieksa Frontrunner for Norris Trophy will be written by Elliott Pap. On the 1st of April.
    
    
11. Gord McIntyre's I'm Not Iain MacIntyre will seek to distinguish himself from the Vancouver Sun writer whose last name is very similar, but the article's extremely negative tone will only fuel speculation that they're the same person.
    
    
12. Jason Botchford will write Torres Gets Four Games For Headshot after a dirty hit Raffi lays on San Jose's Devon Setoguchi garners a suspension. This will be followed by Cooke Gets One Game for Killshot after Cooke pulls a gun and turns it sideways while turtling to avoid a rematch with Evander Kane, and Sean Avery Suspended One Game for Headshots after he skips the NHL all-star game to go uptown and submit some glamour photos to the editor of Vogue.
    
    
13. Ben Kuzma's Daniel Stole My Birthright will blow the lid off a shocking Canucks secret: Daniel Sedin, in collusion with his sneaky mother, tricked Mike Gillis into giving him the captaincy in a deception of Biblical proportions. Kuzma will detail the lengths to which Daniel went to pull off the trickery, which included wearing goatskins on his arms and saying, "I'm Henrik."
    
    
14. Florida Panthers Realize Their Mistake, an article written by Cam Cole, will be about Florida's attempt to recall Luongo, Ballard, Oreskovich, Paetsch, and other players from their conditioning assignments in Rochester before realizing that they actually sent all these players to Vancouver for nothing. "The speed dial buttons were backwards ," Panthers GM Peter DeBoer said. "Looks like they've been that way since the lockout."
    
    
15. Tony Gallagher's Vancouver is the New Centre of the Universe will be written after the Canucks become the last remaining Canadian team in the playoffs. Most will be about the shift in focus in Canada's hockey media, but it will also touch on findings by scientists that Toronto was never the center of the universe. Upon seeing, this season, how hard Toronto continues to suck, it will be reclassified as a black hole.
    
    
16. Brad Zeimer's Hodgson a Bust is a headline that will ignite much debate, but it will diminish considerably when it turns out to be an article about UBC art student Sungwoo Hong and his sculptures of Canuck players' heads.
    
    
17. Sami Salo will announce he's ready to get back into the lineup in Ian Walker's Salo Declared Ready For Action, but at the next day's press conference, he'll lean in ever so slightly to answer a question from CTV News and the soft light from the TV camera will melt his face off kind of like this. Six to eight weeks.
    
    
18. The day after the trade deadline, all the talk will be around Jason Botchford's Gillis Acquires Twenty More Defensemen article. "We were concerned about depth," Gillis will say.
    
    
19. When Mikael Samuelsson gets the puck stuck along the boards and begins to dig it out, nasty old Derek Boogaard decides to take a run at him. Seeing it happen in slow motion, local hayseed Mason Raymond decides he has to do something about and jumps on the ice, lassoing Boogaard away just in time. Instead of being amusingly called for "roping" like in Mighty Ducks 2 (at 8:45 of clip), however, Raymond is called for interference, unsportsmanlike conduct, too many men, and suspended ten games for bringing a foreign object onto the ice. The ensuing Puck Daddy article Where Did Raymond Get that Thing of Rope From? will ask a very good question.
    
    
20. On an off-day, aspiring chefs Guillaume Desbiens and Alex Bolduc will enter a seafood cooking contest in Stanley Park and win. The next day's Province article, Canucks Win Stanley Cup of Chowder Cookoff, will mislead and upset a lot of people.

Some of my 10 Unlikely Playoff Predictions (Almost) Came True!

Two whole months ago, way back in the middle of April, as Harrison and I were getting PiTB! rolling, we made some playoff predictions. As a spoof, I made mine a series of thoroughly unlikely predictions, none of which I expected to come true.

But some of them (almost) did.

So, now that the playoffs are over and the (hated, loathed, and generally disliked) Chicago Blackhawks are the Stanley Cup Champions, here's a review of my 10 Increasingly Unlikely Playoff Predictions. I will be rating each prediction on a scale of 1 to atrocious.

Prediction #1: Steve Bernier will lead the Canucks in goal-scoring, specifically with 13 goals (7 gamewinners). What's more, the Canucks would reach the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 1994.

Result: Ha! Told you these were unlikely. Not a single part of this prediction came true, though, to Bernier's credit, he did score 4 goals in 12 games to finish 3rd on the Canucks. All of the goals came against the LA Kings, so it almost looked like this prediction could have come true. Then along came the 'Hawks and Bernier couldn't pull a Byfuglien. None of his goals were gamewinners.

Verdict: Hopeful, but awful prediction.

Prediction #2: Pierre McGuire will use the word "monster" only once per game.

Result: I'm pretty sure I heard him say "monster" three times in one sentence, with a "monstrous" thrown in for good measure.

Verdict: In retrospect, this was the least likely of my predictions. Appalling.

Prediction #3: Chris Pronger will carry the Flyers to the Stanley Cup Finals with a brilliant postseason, only to lose the Conn Smythe to Brian "The Mighty Boosh" Boucher.

Result: So close to being true. Instead, Pronger lost the Conn Smythe by being not very good in the final two games of the Stanley Cup Finals. He lost it to Jonathan Toews, who didn't even score a goal in the finals and finished behind Danny Briere for the scoring lead. The Mighty Boosh didn't start a single game against the Blackhawks.

Verdict: While still horrible, this was easily my best prediction. Did anyone else on the entire internet predict the Flyers reaching the Finals?

Prediction #4: Pavel Datsyuk won't score a goal against the Coyotes; Adrian Aucoin will score the series-winner on the powerplay in the second overtime of game 7.

Result: The series did reach game 7, but Datsyuk scored 5 goals against the Coyotes, including the game and series-winning goal in a game 7 that didn't even get close to overtime. So, essentially the exact opposite of what I predicted.

Verdict: While Datsyuk wasn't his usual wizardly self in these playoffs, he scored plenty of goals on Bryzgalov. Terrible prediction.

Prediction #5: Jose "Alvin Simon" Theodore will be outstanding in net for the Capitals, recording three shutouts enroute to the Eastern Conference Finals. He will make 44 saves in a game 6 loss that knocks Washington out of the playoffs.

Result: Theodore was fantastic in game 1 against the Canadiens, making 35 saves on 38 shots in a tough overtime loss. He then gave up 2 goals on the first 2 shots of game 2. He didn't play again. After game 7, neither did the Capitals.

Verdict: Brutal prediction.

Prediction #6: The Nashville Predators will sweep the Chicago Blackhawks. None of the games will be decided by one goal.

Result: The Predators pushed the series to 6 games but couldn't knock out the eventual cup-winners. Game 5 was the only game decided by one goal.

Verdict: 5 of the 6 games being decided by more than one goal makes this prediction look better than it is. The 'Hawks won the Cup, so this was a catastrophic prediction.

Prediction #7: Barack Obama will appear at the first game of the playoffs for the Chicago Blackhawks on Friday to drop the ceremonial first puck. Because of this, Washington Capitals fans will refuse to vote for him in the next election, leading to a narrow victory for Republican Mitt Romney.

Results: Nope. Ol' Mitt might still have a shot, though.

Verdict: Putrid prediction.

Prediction #8: The Ottawa Senators will light up Marc-André Fleury, causing him to be pulled in two of the first three games of the series. Despite this, the Penguins will rally back, with Fleury posting a shutout in game 7. They will subsequently be knocked out in the second round.

Results: Specificity did this one in. The Senators did indeed light up Fleury in game 1, scoring 5 goals on 26 shots, but he bounced back with a solid outing in game 2. The Penguins won in 6 without Fleury posting a single shutout. The Penguins did get knocked out in the second round.

Verdict: This prediction gets a participation ribbon. Thanks for coming out, execrable prediction.

Prediction #9: Joe Thornton will dominate, leading the postseason in points. Evgeni Nabakov will be fantastic, with the best save percentage of the postseason. Despite this, the Sharks will lose in the Western Conference Final. The media will blame Thornton and Nabakov for choking.

Results: While not dominant, Thornton did somewhat excise his playoff demons with a half-decent, inconsistent performance. He was, quite frankly, lukewarm, which may cause some deities to spit him out. And, since he had only one point in the 4-game sweep by the Blackhawks, the choking accusations still don't seem unwarranted. Nabokov had the third worst save percentage of the postseason, ahead of only (sigh) Luongo and Fleury.

Verdict: Loathsome prediction.

Prediction #10: The Stanley Cup winning goal will be scored by Rick Rypien.

Result: Did anyone see that puck go in the net other than Patrick Kane? Maybe it was scored by Rypien...who knows?

Verdict: Unknown.

Can Henrik Sedin Actually Win the Hart?

So the nominees are in, and your three finalists for the Hart trophy are: Sidney Crosby, Alex Ovechkin, and Henrik Sedin. I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Whaaaaaaaaaa? What about that East Coast bias?"

Well, as much as I think it's partially a myth--it's no more a bias than the fact that you've never seen a Florida Panthers game--the bias probably wouldn't have factored in much to the naming of the finalists. Let's not pretend that winning the Art Ross doesn't make you an automatic lock for a Hart nomination. I don't feel like pulling up the stats to prove it (I'm a blogger, not a journalist), but I'd be willing to wager that every Art Ross winner in the last decade was also nominated for the Hart. I wouldn't wager a ton, mind you--I'm a coward. Heck, like Andrew Ladd, I laugh at being called a coward. Some people don't mind. I don't. Bender doesn't.

Henrik Sedin is no coward. He was a warrior all season, and he deserves to be the first Canuck in NHL history to take home this prestigious award.

But can Sedin actually win? Yes, he totally can. Ovechkin and Crosby are going to win Harts by the bucketload. This might be the only season this decade where one of them doesn't win the Art Ross. Plus, awards ceremonies always give trophies to one-year wonders and snub legends. Here's some proof. And I'm not saying Henrik's a one-year wonder, but, come on, he very well could be. I personally think he'll win, even though I also personally think Crosby dragged a mediocre team into the playoffs for the third year in a row and deserves it more this year.

One thing I am certain of: Alex Ovechkin won't win it. I know his playoff and Olympic failures shouldn't be counted into his NHL regular-season value, but they will be, because the media are not smart. Frankly, it's a two-horse race between Sedin and Crosby, and its a death race.