Shorty & Garrett Just Got Keslurked

Have a gander at the 1:30 mark of this video. That's Ryan Kesler, dropping a nasty Keslurk on John Garrett and John Shorthouse at the end of tonight's postgame coverage. In a clever touch, Kesler does this while wearing Garrett's old-timey goalie mask. That takes some serious planning. I mean, those things aren't just lying around. Did Kesler break into Garrett's house?

This is a whole new ball of wax for Kesler. Prior to this, he's only been Keslurking teammates. Now he's moved on to members of the broadcast team, and potentially, B&Es. He's escalating, and he's broadening his scope. Where will it end?

Terrifying grandiosity. What happens when he Keslurks all there is to Keslurk in this realm? At this rate, that'll happen by Sunday. Then what? Extraspheric Keslurking? I hypothesize a scenario in which Ryan Kesler Keslurks everyone he possibly can think of, then invents a time machine, and goes back in time and Keslurks himself while Keslurking, creating a sort of Keslurkic recursion loop. What if Kesler's drive to innovate new Keslurks causes him to fracture his own psyche and develop a schizoid psychosis wherein his subconscious constantly Keslurks his conscious self? What if he cracks the laws of physics, expands the size of his atoms, then pulls a Galactus and starts Keslurking entire planets?

God help us. Actually, God should stay away. If he shows up, Kesler will probably Keslurk him.

Daniel Sedin Just Got Keslurked

Just so we're abreast of all developments, here's Daniel Sedin falling victim to the Keslurk, as Ryan Kesler pops up over his right shoulder at about the 30-second mark. This is a primo Keslurk, although Kesler appears at such an unnatural angle you'd think Daniel (wizard that he is) actually conjured him up. This might not be Ryan Kesler at all, but rather, a daemon with insidious, chameleonic properties.

You've gotta give credit to a guy so dedicated to creating his own meme, although I do wish he'd consulted us before he dubbed it "Interview Bombing." That phrase has now become Kesler Bombing, and it's what half of Twitter is calling it now, including @GutsMcTavish24, the Saturninus to our Bassianus. The other half is correctly calling it Keslurking. It's quite nearly a Red state/Blue state thing, but seriously, who do you trust to name your memes? Ryan Kesler, hockey player and mediocre Twitterer, or Pass it to freaking Bulis? This is what we do, Kes. Why you frontin' on us, is that necessary?

That said, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and a Keslurk by any other name would continue to bring the chuckles. Never stop, Ryan Kesler.

Obama Just Got Keslurked

Oh Ryan Kesler, you so crazy. This image, taken during the Blackhawks' visit to the White House yesterday comes to us courtesy of egatti, Canucks.com forum photoshopper extraordinnaire.

Part of me wonders where the secret service is, because this is some legit incompetence. Maybe the NHL let them monitor the crowd from the War Room? I can picture it now: Hey! This isn't a live feed to the crowd, this is the parade scene from Animal House! #NHLWarRoomQuotes

And then, because it's right near the end anyway, they'll keep watching. Who can blame them?John Belushi was awesome.

Ryan Kesler Thinks He is Hilarious

This latest video from Canucks.com compiles a brief history of Kesler's interview adventures, which we have covered previously. It's odd, it's off-putting, and it's endearing. Quite frankly, I love it. For once, we're seeing a slightly less serious side to Kesler, though he's clearly still very serious about doing as many of these background excursions as possible. He also seems to find himself incredibly funny.

What's it all about? Does he just think he's hilarious? Is he desperate for attention? Is it a sneaky viral ad campaign for RK17? My theory is that the enforcement of maturity on-ice has led to an outburst of immaturity off-ice. He needs an outlet and, now that he can't verbally assault the opposition, he visually assaults his teammates.

Kesler has dubbed his antics as "interview bombing" and claims he invented the practice. I prefer the term Keslurking. Whatever the title, we hope he continues doing it.

I Find This Video Odd: Ryan Kesler Is Addicted to Ruining Interviews

At least he kept his shirt on this time, but I feel he's overcompensating. All we ask, Kesler, is that you wear the minimum amount of clothing required to buy Doritos at a Chevron. Luongo's mask is overdoing it.

Luongo's pretty superstitious about his masks. He briefly switched to a new one before deciding it brought bad luck and switching back to the one Kesler sports in the above video. Kes has better hope the magic remains, otherwise this stops being a hilarious running joke and becomes a motive for felony assault.

Here's my newest theory: this is all part of a brilliant plan to change the perception that Ryan Kesler is a tad overserious. It would work if it weren't for how committed Kesler is to appearing in the background of every interview. He clearly takes interview bogarting very seriously.

Topless Kesler Now a Staple of Canucks Web Content

Ryan Kesler keeps forcing himself on interviews while neglecting to force shirts on himself.

Here's the Canucks.com Reid Report, featuring a Dan Hamhuis interview in which Ryan Kesler, again, drifts into the frame, toplessly nourishing himself.

If you're keeping score at home, that two Canucks.com videos this week to feature creepy, topless Ryan Kesler. Is he going for the topless hat trick? Is Kristin Reid aware that he's committed to bogarting her interviews?

I say yes. Though this one is certainly more natural, it still feels strangely intentional. I suspect this is some sort of dare, perhaps inspired after the team spent an evening watching Andy Samberg videos on Youtube, and felt particularly inspired by People Getting Punched Right Before Eating? Expect topless Ryan Kesler to keep popping up unexpectedly while Kristin Reid interviews his teammates.

Seriously, topless Ryan Kesler is the new cigar guy.

Thanks to Kristin for the tip.

Edit: apparently, the Kesler cameos are coming in waves. Here he is, casually wearing sunglasses indoors in the background of a Chris Higgins interview, via CDC poster tryptic.

I Find This Video Odd: Ryan Kesler, Topless Pizza Delivery Guy

Here is a video from Canucks.com of Raffi Torres doing a postgame interview with Kristin Reid. It's not interesting. For about twelve seconds, that is. And then, a shirtless Ryan Kesler emerges from behind a curtain, chowing down on some za, altogether too pleased with his lingering, nippletastic, pizza-devouring self. First, he just peers. Then he creeps. He gets progressively closer and closer to Raffi as the video goes on. I imagine he's humming the theme from Jaws the whole time.

And then, after standing directly behind Torres for a full minute, he offers Raffi some pizza. Raffi curtly says "No thanks", and half-naked Kesler disappears from the frame.

I'm interested in what Kesler would have done if Raffi had said yes. I'm fairly certain he just ate the only slice of pizza he had. Unless he's Donald Duck, no clothes means no pockets. Also, what is this? A dirty movie? If you want to deliver pizza, wear a shirt.

Cut from the interview: Raffi explains that Kesler is only comfortable without a shirt if he's a holding a piece of pizza. They had to photoshop the slice out of the RK17 shoot.