I Find This Photo Odd: Raymond & Kesler Are Besties

Mason Raymond and Ryan Kesler are such good buds--true besties--that they regularly engage in intense tickle fights, even at extremely inopportune times. Case in point: this photo was taken while the Canucks were trying to kill a penalty. If Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis wasn't such a good guy, he might have given them a piece of his mind.

Yeah, we find this photo odd. It kind of looks like they're tobogganing. Can you see it? Maybe you could see it better if we photoshopped it to look exactly like that. Here you go:

They Don't Let Keith Ballard Do Anything

Here's a little vignette for Fountain Tire and Canucks.com, featuring interviews with Keith Ballard and Ryan Kesler. The best stuff comes courtesy of Ballard, who gives us some insight into why he never gets any ice time. Turns out it's because:


1) He has scoliosis and borderline osteoporosis.
Ballard has every ailment short of bulging discs. How much do you think Mike Gillis knew when he traded a 1st round pick and a Calder finalist for Mr. Burns?

2) He sucks at shooting.
His exact words: "They don't even let me shoot in practice in the shootout [...] Have you seen me shoot? You wouldn't let me shoot either." Wayne Gretzky, who coached Ballard in Phoenix, once said to him, famously, "You miss 100% of the shots you, Keith Ballard, take." Revisionists later replaced "Keith Ballard" with "don't", and made a buttload of money on motivational posters.

3) He thinks that being clutch means not falling down.
Suffice it to say, if you've watched Ballard for more than a handful of games, you know he's not clutch. He knows it too. Do you think confidence is an issue for Hips? I'd say so. His shootout strategy is as follows: "I'd just try to get a shot on net, put my head down and skate back to the bench." Here's a pro-tip for Keith Ballard: when hanging your head in shame is part of your move, you're setting yourself up for failure. Someone told me that on a date once.



Thanks to Play Me That Ballard for the tip.

Shorty & Garrett Just Got Keslurked

Have a gander at the 1:30 mark of this video. That's Ryan Kesler, dropping a nasty Keslurk on John Garrett and John Shorthouse at the end of tonight's postgame coverage. In a clever touch, Kesler does this while wearing Garrett's old-timey goalie mask. That takes some serious planning. I mean, those things aren't just lying around. Did Kesler break into Garrett's house?

This is a whole new ball of wax for Kesler. Prior to this, he's only been Keslurking teammates. Now he's moved on to members of the broadcast team, and potentially, B&Es. He's escalating, and he's broadening his scope. Where will it end?

Terrifying grandiosity. What happens when he Keslurks all there is to Keslurk in this realm? At this rate, that'll happen by Sunday. Then what? Extraspheric Keslurking? I hypothesize a scenario in which Ryan Kesler Keslurks everyone he possibly can think of, then invents a time machine, and goes back in time and Keslurks himself while Keslurking, creating a sort of Keslurkic recursion loop. What if Kesler's drive to innovate new Keslurks causes him to fracture his own psyche and develop a schizoid psychosis wherein his subconscious constantly Keslurks his conscious self? What if he cracks the laws of physics, expands the size of his atoms, then pulls a Galactus and starts Keslurking entire planets?

God help us. Actually, God should stay away. If he shows up, Kesler will probably Keslurk him.

Wellwood's World, Chapter 10: Welly's Not Right, But He's Not Wrong

When we last left Kyle Wellwood, he was happy. Why wouldn't he be? Things are going swell for Welly. He's expecting his first child; his experience in Russia taught him a newfound respect for his home continent, as he no longer has to contend with dogs for the best links of sausage; he's fitting in beautifully in San Jose.

In 25 games, he's got 4 goals and 2 assists. Welly's also a +6, having only been a minus player once (two days ago). He remains an oft-kilter defensive stalwart. The Sharks are 18-4-3 since he joined the team. After Moscow, any NHL team would have sufficed, but Welly appears to have ridden the waiver wire to a mighty fine situation.

However, if Moscow has been happily banished to the past, his time in Vancouver remains a fresh memory. Interest in the Windsor native continues here, even though he now plays for one of the Canucks' stiffest rivals, and perhaps their most daunting potential postseason opponent.

That said, if he was hoping to put out some of the fires still burning for him in the Lower Mainland he certainly poured some water on them when he suggested the Canucks, season-long Stanley Cup favourites, didn't have the mettle to win it all this year. It was last week's most adorable heel turn.

Kyle Wellwood may be happy, but Canuck fans were not happy with him, when he predicted the Sharks were going to be the better team come playoff time. From Jason Botchford:

"I just feel feel Vancouver has a few more lessons to learn and I'm glad I'm in San Jose," Wellwood said. "I just feel [the Sharks] are more mature because they've lost a few more times.

"They're not so scared of losing. I think come playoff time [San Jose] is going to be better.

Instant reaction from a Canucks fanbase that's become a bit smug, a bit big for its britches, vacillated between something akin to screw 'im and instant hand-wringing, but Wellwood's thoughts deserve a longer look. He isn't wrong. He's just living in the past.

Kyle Wellwood hasn't been in this year's Canuck dressing room, so he's simply not qualified to comment. However, he was there last year, and he's rightly critical of what he saw: a roomful of tense, immature players -- a deleterious mindset. It's the mindset Mike Gillis and Alain Vigneault saw and addressed when they called their players to a cooler, more zen-like attitude. It's the mindset that weighed heavily on Roberto Luongo as captain, a weight that shifted and dissipated when Henrik Sedin took up the mantle. It's the mindset that earned Ryan Kesler a reputation as overserious, now so far in the past some are questioning, Kesler included, whether it was ever there (it was).

The reality is that the Canucks of last season were exactly what Kyle Wellwood described, and that's why they lost. They lost their composure, they lost their confidence, they lost their way, and then they just lost. But while Welly was in Russia, the Canucks changed their entire mindset. Many of the players in the room remain the same, but it's not the same room.

In short, Welly was right--in 2010. He's wrong about this year.

Kyle Wellwood on The Wellwoods

As I said, in BC, Welly retains a faithful group of fans (such as ourselves), who have been following him since he left Vancouver last summer. One such subgroup is the Vancouver Wellwoods, a women's street hockey team named in his honour and the runner-up at this year's nationals. We're big fans of the Wellwoods here at PITB, and rumour has it Welly doesn't mind them either:

“It’s nice,” Wellwood said. “To be recognized as a person they can identify with is fun. It’s funny. I’m not embarrassed by it.”

Kyle Wellwood always seems so pleasant, doesn't he? No word on whether or not this gentle response came after Welly found out about the team's motto ("training is cheating") or 3 principles ("Soft hands, sharp minds, overall adorableness").

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Wild, March 14, 2011

Canucks 4 - 2 Wild

Like the opening scene of Carrie, this game was all about the 1st period. In the opening twenty minutes, the Canucks jumped out to a 3-0 lead after a quick one by Raffi Torres (above), and two debilitatingly effective powerplays. While Minnesota would regroup and take over the game in the second and third, it wouldn't be enough to overcome the big lead they spotted Vancouver in the first. Granted, a total effort would perhaps have been preferential, as the Canucks spent the last two periods on their heels, but seriously: Vancouver has 101 points. They win more than you do. Quit complaining. By the way, I watched this game:

• There have been games this season where the Canucks' powerplay has taken blame for a loss, but really, it's only because of the high expectations they've garnered. Here's an example of what the unit can do: in the last two games, the Canucks have gone 5-for-5 with the man advantage, which is impressive, but even more impressive in that, of the ten penalty minutes alloted them, they've only used 2:36. They're almost as efficient as this loser.

• Daniel Sedin's powerplay goal was gorgeous. It's interesting to juxtapose it with Ryan Kesler's goal from Saturday night, which is quite similar, but also very different. Kesler's wrist shot is pure force; he curls above the faceoff dot and snaps it past Kiprusoff. Daniel Sedin's wrister is tactical. He curls above the faceoff dot too, but when he gets to that sweet spot where a sniper normally fires the puck, he gives himself an extra yard by pulling the puck back and sliding further into the middle of the ice. Greg Zanon expects the shot and drops to a knee, and in that moment, with one drag move, Daniel drifts away from him, nearly to the center of the offensive zone. Nobody creates space in traffic like the Sedins. Except James Bond.

• Ryan Kesler's first goal in this game is the result of some beautiful puck movement by the whole unit. What amazes me so much about the unit is that all five guys are fabulous passers, and any one of them can orchestrate a beautiful play. Not just the Sedins, and not just the point men. Kesler starts and caps off this play, first making a pretty backpass along the boards, then drifting to the center of the ice to cap off a beautiful passing play with Ehrhoff and Samuelsson, then being the first one to his own rebound.

• If there was a downside to the first period, it's that Sami Salo's 16-game health streak came to an end when he took a shot off the elbow and left the game. It's hard not to be incredulous at Salo's commitment to winning Injury Bingo, but I'm sure he's more frustrated than any of us. Here's hoping this is just a stinger (or whatever else they call it when the player's hurt and the coach makes him play anyway). Better yet, here's hoping that, whatever it is, he gets proper treatment and is healthy for the start--if not the duration-- of the playoffs.

• That said, Salo narrowly survived getting his nose lopped off when Cal Clutterbuck had an epic hit fail in the first. In the highlight of the night, Clutterbuck took a run at Alex Burrows, missed, and went over the boards, ass over teakettle. But don't feel too bad for Clutterbuck. He may have missed Burrows, but he hit the bench, which had 14 guys on it, so he was credited with 13 hits (Cory Schneider doesn't count; he wasn't playing).

• We've had numerous opportunities to point out how crucial Manny Malhotra and Ryan Kesler are to this team, but it may never have been more apparent than when both of them were in the penalty box while the Canucks tried to kill off a 5-on-3. It left Alain Vigneault with no faceoff men for those crucial defensive zone draws. Yes, Henrik Sedin and Maxim Lapierre are both centers, but on twenty defensive zone faceoffs last night, they took three. Clearly, Vigneault doesn't trust them to do it. Pressed, he deployed Henrik Sedin for the first faceoff, which he won, but the Canucks couldn't get the puck out. Henrik found himself trapped in the zone for thirty-five seconds. Not ideal. Rather than risk having another player who doesn't practice five-on-threes trapped on the ice for one, Vigneault then tempted fate by letting Jannik Hansen take the next draw. Hansen lost it, wound up hemmed in the zone to near-exhaustion, then lost his stick and took a tripping penalty. The Canucks were lucky to get through this stretch without a goal against.

• Immediately upon leaving the box, Ryan Kesler won a defensive zone draw to finally alleviate the Wild's pressure and keep the penalty kill perfect. In fact, after that little scare, the Canucks didn't lose another faceoff in their own zone for the rest of the game, one major reason Minnesota finished 0-for-5 on the power play. Speaking of faceoffs, Manny Malhotra was especially effective, going 9-for-12 on the night, including 7-for-7 in the third. Kesler was 10-for-14 last night, and on two of the four faceoffs he lost, he registered a takeaway to immediately regain possession (he had a game-high four takeaways). On the flipside, Henrik was 5-for-13 and Lapierre was 2-for-9.

• More evidence of Kesler and Malhotra's importance? Consider the empty-net goal. Manny Malhotra wins a neutral zone draw, forcing the Wild to regroup before they try to gain the blue line. Then, when they do, Malhotra sends the puck back to the neutral zone before they can organize. There, Ryan Kesler pounces on it and ices the game. If there's one thing that separates this Canucks team from last year's Capitals, it's that we have two defensive superstars.

• I loved Garrett and Shorty's banter about the filming of Mission: Impossible 4 on the Granville Street bridge. Garrett says something to the effect of: you should try to get in as an extra, and Shorty rebuffs it by saying he's not much of a movie star. Garrett: "You're taller than Tom Cruise." Shorty: "And yet they call me Shorty." Funny.

• Chris Higgins looks pretty good out there, doesn't he? He seems to have instantly made the fourth line more dangerous, and he's good insurance in case either Raymond or Samuelsson forgets to be good, as they are sometimes wont to do. Frankly, the line of Lapierre, Tambellini, and Higgins has been perhaps the best fourth-line trio we've seen this year. Once Glass gets back, Tambellini will likely sit, but he had five hits in ten minutes of icetime and used his speed to great effect. Vigneault has options, is all I'm saying.

• Christian Ehrhoff can have his defensive deficiencies, but the team is inarguably more offensively threatening when he's on the ice. With two more assists last night, Ehrhoff jumped to 46 points on the season. It's a new career-high for him. He's also sixth in the NHL in defensive scoring. Granted, his numbers are buoyed because he's the only Canucks' D-man that's stayed healthy all season, but a good way to set career-highs is to play in every game. You can't fault him for being resilient. If anything, he deserves praise: Ehrhoff has been the backbone of this year's defense. That's right: without Ehrhoff, the Canucks' are Bryozoa.

• And finally, Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis was pressed into additional action when Salo went down, playing 26:31, including a whopping 7:15 of the Canucks' total 10:26 on the penalty kill. He was pressed into even further additional action when the Red Cross needed a switchboard operator to receive donations, and he wound up playing the entire game with a headset on.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Flames, March 12, 2011

Canucks 4 - 3 Flames

Last night, the Canucks wrapped up their five-game West Coast road swing with a convincing 4-3 win over the Calgary Flames, and I do mean convincing. Don't let the final score fool you; this wasn't a one-goal game. The Flames may have jumped out to an early lead after Mikael Samuelsson and Dan Hamhuis got confused about the game's start time, but the Canucks woke up immediately thereafter, perhaps buoyed by the Flames' damning two-goal lead, and spent the rest of the evening putting Calgary under pressure on the ice [ice, baby]. After the slow start, it was great to see them so immediately snap to life, and I did see, because I watched this game:

• That's right. Two song references in one sentence, wherein the first song referenced is sampled by the second. PITB for the win, y'all.

• Alex Burrows potted his 20th goal of the season on a tip in front that tied the game at three. I don't think we give Burrows enough credit for what he does in front of the net. He's not the biggest guy and he's not that strong on his skates, so the only way he gets space in front is by zipping around at breakneck speed. Watch the next time a Sedin gets the puck behind the net: cue Burrows, darting back and forth around the crease like a squirrel in the street. Also watch, on last night's goal, as he gets effortlessly moved from the area by Matt Stajan, then immediately scurries back there once Stajan thinks his work is done. In the split second between Stajan heading to the side boards and Steve Staios realizing Burrows has been left alone, Burrows is in the position to be found by Daniel Sedin.
  

• Speaking of Daniel Sedin, he and Henrik were fantastic. They were on the ice for all four goals, combining for 5 points and completely dissecting Calgary's defensive coverage with Wizardous Sedinerie and fabulous vision all night. My favourite goal (Daniel Sedin's first of the night, above), comes when Rene Bourque drifts about a foot too high, and Daniel cuts through the middle of the offensive zone ice at full speed. That's a fabulous read, and it's matched only by Henrik's vision to get him the puck. The moment Daniel starts his sprint, it's obvious what's coming, too, as Henrik puts a backhand pass through the legs of Robyn Regehr (who seriously opens up to let it through), and Daniel one-times it past Kiprusoff. So good. Not so good: Rene Bourque practicing his first star twirl while this play is unfolding.

• When the Sedins are going like this, the power play tends to trend upward as well, so it's no surprise that the special teams were spot-on last night. The first unit went 2-for-2, scoring just over thirty seconds into each powerplay (32 and 37 seconds, respectively). Daniel Sedin's game-winner was so effortless it was hard to tell who moved less when it happened, he or Miikka Kiprosoff. It came so quickly off the faceoff you'd have thought the linesman just chucked it into the net.

• What a road trip. The Canucks went unbeaten in five games, all of which were against teams currently top 8 in the West. It was the best road trip since the one where that carful of girls literally punched Stuntman Mike to death.
  

• Ryan Kesler played a fabulous game as well, finishing with a goal and an assist, both on the powerplay. It was great to see the return of his lethal wrist shot from above the faceoff dot. Kiprusoff seemed a little befuddled that it got past him, but Kesler's been getting behind everyone these days--it was inevitable. Of note: while Kesler was back there, he took his shirt off and offered Kiprusoff a half-eaten slice of pizza.

• One thing Kesler does well is take hits to make plays. He got drilled three or four times last night, but the Canucks never lost possession of the puck.

• In the broadcast booth, Garry Galley was a nice change of pace from Kevin Weekes. He made some good observations, including his call on the Alex Burrows goal, in which he dubbed Daniel Sedin's open ice "The Quiet Zone." It sounds like the title of a Cronenberg movie full of weird sex. I'm glad that Galley was good, because he's owed me one for fifteen years. He was the slowest player in NHL 94 and somehow, he was always on my team. I was so sick of his painfully slow sprite lugging the puck through the neutral zone. Anyway, now we're even.

• By the by, Garry's son Wyatt is the star goaltender for the Langley Chiefs. They're in the BCHL playoffs right now and tickets are cheap.

• You always hear criticism that the announcers are biased against your team, but you had to think Calgary fans were pulling their hair out as Galley marveled at the Canucks. It was somewhat inevitable, though. Vancouver's the best at everything right now. They'll be the first team to 100 points, and Daniel Sedin, too, will probably get there before any other team does.

• Curiously, someone threw a fish on the ice. No idea why. Curiosities abound: why a salmon, and how does a salmon gets through security, anyway? They'll confiscate a Ziploc bag of goldfish crackers but they'll let a real freaking fish through? Ridiculous. But, perhaps the most curious element of this very curious action was that the fish found the ice late in the third period. Why wait? It's been my experience that, when you've got a fish in your backpack, you get rid of it as soon as possible (unless you're the shopping penguin). Suffice it to say, someone just ruined a backpack.

• Thanks to Qris for covering this feature in our absence. We haven't missed an IWTG this season. Without him, that streak ends.
  

• Chris Higgins is going to be a great addition to this team. He was good wherever he played last night, and he was all over the lineup, especially after Mikael Samuelsson got benched early in the first.

• I understand the criticism that Mason Raymond's had a number of off-games without getting benched so summarily as Mikael Samuelsson did tonight, but I think Alain Vigneault wanted to whip Sammy with a sock full of batteries after that Michael Backlund goal. This goes back to Samuelsson's Borg-brainwashing in Detroit, but he often refuses to to give up possession by dumping the puck out of the zone. In this case, it bit him. How to win AV's love: make the safe plays. Why do you think Aaron Rome had more shifts (34) than any other Canuck? Hint: it's not his skating.
  

• I liked Manny Malhotra trying that icing play the Sedins always do. He and Raffi nearly connected for some Plagiarized Sedinerie. We've actually seen a lot more of that this year, when players who aren't the Sedins try their hand at Sedinerie. It's very Mickey Mouse. Mind you, considering they're the top two scorers in the NHL, it's probably safe to learn from them. On the flipside, it's probably not safe to learn from Mary Kay Letourneau. Especially if you're Chris Tanev; he's quite young.

• And finally, we often criticize the way Alain Vigneault metes out icetime, but he's managed his roster quite well. Nobody played under 11 minutes, and in the last game of a five-game road trip, icetime management matters. Know what else matters? Family.

Daniel Sedin Just Got Keslurked

Just so we're abreast of all developments, here's Daniel Sedin falling victim to the Keslurk, as Ryan Kesler pops up over his right shoulder at about the 30-second mark. This is a primo Keslurk, although Kesler appears at such an unnatural angle you'd think Daniel (wizard that he is) actually conjured him up. This might not be Ryan Kesler at all, but rather, a daemon with insidious, chameleonic properties.

You've gotta give credit to a guy so dedicated to creating his own meme, although I do wish he'd consulted us before he dubbed it "Interview Bombing." That phrase has now become Kesler Bombing, and it's what half of Twitter is calling it now, including @GutsMcTavish24, the Saturninus to our Bassianus. The other half is correctly calling it Keslurking. It's quite nearly a Red state/Blue state thing, but seriously, who do you trust to name your memes? Ryan Kesler, hockey player and mediocre Twitterer, or Pass it to freaking Bulis? This is what we do, Kes. Why you frontin' on us, is that necessary?

That said, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and a Keslurk by any other name would continue to bring the chuckles. Never stop, Ryan Kesler.

Obama Just Got Keslurked

Oh Ryan Kesler, you so crazy. This image, taken during the Blackhawks' visit to the White House yesterday comes to us courtesy of egatti, Canucks.com forum photoshopper extraordinnaire.

Part of me wonders where the secret service is, because this is some legit incompetence. Maybe the NHL let them monitor the crowd from the War Room? I can picture it now: Hey! This isn't a live feed to the crowd, this is the parade scene from Animal House! #NHLWarRoomQuotes

And then, because it's right near the end anyway, they'll keep watching. Who can blame them?John Belushi was awesome.

I Find This Video Odd: Ryan Kesler Is Addicted to Ruining Interviews

At least he kept his shirt on this time, but I feel he's overcompensating. All we ask, Kesler, is that you wear the minimum amount of clothing required to buy Doritos at a Chevron. Luongo's mask is overdoing it.

Luongo's pretty superstitious about his masks. He briefly switched to a new one before deciding it brought bad luck and switching back to the one Kesler sports in the above video. Kes has better hope the magic remains, otherwise this stops being a hilarious running joke and becomes a motive for felony assault.

Here's my newest theory: this is all part of a brilliant plan to change the perception that Ryan Kesler is a tad overserious. It would work if it weren't for how committed Kesler is to appearing in the background of every interview. He clearly takes interview bogarting very seriously.

The Selke Is Kind of a Stupid Award

For Canucks' center Ryan Kesler, 2010-11 has been a breakout season (both offensively and shirtwise). In fact, Kesler's been such an offensive sparkplug for the 1st-place Canucks that he's even earned a place in the conversation for the Hart trophy. But, even if Kesler doesn't go home with the Hart, the Selke trophy finally appears his to lose, after two consecutive years of doing exactly that. Twice nominated, he has not yet been able to overcome takeaway machine Pavel Datsyuk, who has been named the league's best defensive forward two years in a row. This year, however, largely due to his offensive breakout, Ryan Kesler is the frontrunner.

Why, exactly? Kesler's offense may have improved, but he's been able to make this progression because his defensive responsibilities have diminished. Earlier this season, Skeeter argued that Kesler's increased offensive role has only been made possible by free agent signing Manny Malhotra, who has taken up much of Kesler's defensive burden. Skeeter:

In 2008-09, Kesler led the team in Corsi Rel QoC, with a rating of 1.265 [...] This was good for 13th in the NHL; night in and night out, Kesler faced the best players the opposition had to offer and earned his first Selke nomination [...] This year, however, Malhotra is taking the heat off Kesler, as Malhotra is third in Corsi Rel QoC on the Canucks, first among forwards. Meanwhile, Kesler is facing the 8th toughest competition [...] With Malhotra bearing the brunt of the opposition's offensive pressure, Kesler has gone from first amongst Canucks forwards in Corsi Rel QoC to sixth.

In short, Manny Malhotra has relieved Ryan Kesler of the dirty, defensive responsibilities and, in so doing, he's freed Kesler up to achieve the type of offensive production necessary to finally win the trophy for the best defensive forward. That's kind of stupid, don't you think?

Yup. It's also indicative of a larger issue. Considering its tacit criteria, the Selke is kind of a stupid award.

The Malhotra/Kesler conversation has underscored one of the main problems facing the Selke: it places a bizarre premium on scoring, (as well as stats in general). Isn't the whole point of the award to celebrate the league's best defensive forward? Who cares how often he scores? The Selke award suffers from a problematic statistical bias. Malhotra's offensive numbers are certainly nowhere near Kesler's, and while he is beginning to gain some Selke traction, the big totals of past winners are working against him. Since the lockout, the award has been handed out five times (twice to Rod Brind Amour and thrice to Datsyuk) and the winner has never had fewer than 70 points. Heck, people thought Kesler might win it last year, mainly because he outscored Datsyuk with 75 points. It shouldn't really have mattered, and thankfully, it didn't.

Another problem is that the Selke is a reputation award. Kesler is coasting on past Selke talk this year, and that's not even remotely unusual--it's how the award works. But, for a trophy handed out annually, the only thing that should matter is how the player performed defensively that season. Instead, the Selke consideration period seems to span multiple years. This too will likely work against Malhotra, who is only in his first season of Selke talk. Unlike Kesler, for whom the pairing of his name and the word Selke is practically Pavlovian, people simply don't think of Malhotra in that way quite yet.

A third problem is that nobody sees all the teams regularly enough to properly determine who the best defensive forwards actually are. Dave Lozo believes both Malhotra and Kesler should be nominated, but what about Jannik Hansen, for example? As a Canucks fan, I could say that Jannik Hansen deserves some Selke talk, but who outside of Vancouver is even going to notice the little things he does night-in and night-out? Nobody. Heck, the fact that he's not a center practically disqualifies him from consideration. However, if one was to ask the players in the Canucks' dressing room to name their best defensive forward, and I assure you Hansen would get a few votes. You really have to watch closely to see all the little things he does on the defensive end: his checking (back, fore, body, and poke) is downright sublime, and his puck pressure and board work is stellar. But that's the rub with good defensive play; it doesn't stand out. How can the Selke celebrate the best defensive forward when good defensive play goes relatively unnoticed in limited doses? It can't.

So how do we combat the issues of statistical bias, reputation, and limited observation? My solution would be to treat the Selke like the Masterton trophy, and let the nominations come from the teams for which the players play. Let each team nominate a forward and let the league pare it down from there. Not only would this allow many more players to be rewarded for their defensive play, it would allow the nominations to come from the people most qualified to recognize their subtle contributions.

Bonus tangent: is there's an award for best defensive forward, why isn't there one for best offensive defenseman? The Dustin Byfuglien/Tobias Enstrom conversation from earlier this year had similar underlying issues.

Topless Kesler Now a Staple of Canucks Web Content

Ryan Kesler keeps forcing himself on interviews while neglecting to force shirts on himself.

Here's the Canucks.com Reid Report, featuring a Dan Hamhuis interview in which Ryan Kesler, again, drifts into the frame, toplessly nourishing himself.

If you're keeping score at home, that two Canucks.com videos this week to feature creepy, topless Ryan Kesler. Is he going for the topless hat trick? Is Kristin Reid aware that he's committed to bogarting her interviews?

I say yes. Though this one is certainly more natural, it still feels strangely intentional. I suspect this is some sort of dare, perhaps inspired after the team spent an evening watching Andy Samberg videos on Youtube, and felt particularly inspired by People Getting Punched Right Before Eating? Expect topless Ryan Kesler to keep popping up unexpectedly while Kristin Reid interviews his teammates.

Seriously, topless Ryan Kesler is the new cigar guy.

Thanks to Kristin for the tip.

Edit: apparently, the Kesler cameos are coming in waves. Here he is, casually wearing sunglasses indoors in the background of a Chris Higgins interview, via CDC poster tryptic.

I Find This Video Odd: Ryan Kesler, Topless Pizza Delivery Guy

Here is a video from Canucks.com of Raffi Torres doing a postgame interview with Kristin Reid. It's not interesting. For about twelve seconds, that is. And then, a shirtless Ryan Kesler emerges from behind a curtain, chowing down on some za, altogether too pleased with his lingering, nippletastic, pizza-devouring self. First, he just peers. Then he creeps. He gets progressively closer and closer to Raffi as the video goes on. I imagine he's humming the theme from Jaws the whole time.

And then, after standing directly behind Torres for a full minute, he offers Raffi some pizza. Raffi curtly says "No thanks", and half-naked Kesler disappears from the frame.

I'm interested in what Kesler would have done if Raffi had said yes. I'm fairly certain he just ate the only slice of pizza he had. Unless he's Donald Duck, no clothes means no pockets. Also, what is this? A dirty movie? If you want to deliver pizza, wear a shirt.

Cut from the interview: Raffi explains that Kesler is only comfortable without a shirt if he's a holding a piece of pizza. They had to photoshop the slice out of the RK17 shoot.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs. Blue Jackets, March 1, 2011

Canucks 2 - 1 Blue Jackets (SO)

It's a shame that the Canucks weren't wearing their retro jerseys, because this game was a total throwback. The team played poorly, showing a complete lack of offensive flair and a general disarray throughout, but thankfully, Roberto Luongo stood tall and singlehandedly kept them in the game. You'd have thought it was 2006. Funny Bob made 30 stops on the night, and it seemed as though every other one was a game-saver. He was in perfect position all evening, too, making partial breakaways and point-blank chances look completely non-threatening. And his reward for perhaps his best effort of the season? The longest shootout ever. Lucky Lou, you know how he loves a breakaway competition. Thankfully, he was game for that too, just like I was game to watch him, when I watched this game:

• Luongo had tiger blood tonight (second only to unicorn blood from blood unicorns). His best save of the evening came when he stopped RJ Umberger on a breakaway, but it wasn't just about the save. It was the way he made sure to get a piece of Umberger's ankle as the center went past, putting him off-balance and sending him, spinning, into the corner, so as to prevent any rebound chances. That was most definitely on purpose.

• Aaron Rome took an interesting "illegal stick" penalty at 6:14 of the third period. His stick hadn't broken; he merely lost it. As he skated to the boards to cut off the Blue Jacket puck carrier, he picked up Scotty Upshall's stick, also-dropped, and used it to tie up the man. Originally, it seemed like a heady move, but the referee blew play dead immediately to call an infraction. What was it? Rule 10.3 of the official NHL rulebook states: A player who has lost or broken his stick may only receive a stick at his own players’ bench or be handed one from a teammate on the ice. Hence, Rome can't pick up Scotty Upshall's stick without getting a penalty. You can't play with an opponent's stick. For instance, Mikko Koivu is not allowed to lose his stick, then rip Bobby Ryan's stick from right out of his hands, and use that instead. And neither can Ryan then pick up Mikko Koivu's dropped stick, score a goal, and taunt Koivu with his stick immediately afterwards. That would be a penalty for sure.

• The crowd was eerily quiet. It was like classic Buffy episode Hush; you'd have thought all their voices had been stolen by The Gentlemen. I can't help but wonder if a little home crowd support might have spurred the team to, you know, play well, but on the plus side, the muted crowd allowed the play cameras to pick up a number of on ice F-bombs.

• I love when power forwards like Rick Nash have full beards. They look so freaking intimidating. Mind you, it's not just posturing with Nash. Any time the puck is on his stick, it's concerning. It's a shame he plays in Columbus. Imagine if he played in a city that knew they had an NHL team.

• Mason Raymond finally broke his scoring slump with a pretty little backhand goal (above) generated by some great board work by Ryan Kesler. Watching a player break an extended scoring drought like that is one of the rewards of following a team closely. Knowing the context, it was hard not to feel his joy, to beam while he was beaming. He was visibly excited, letting out a triumphant "Woo!" on the bench after the goal. I haven't seen Raymond that excited since the team pitched in to buy him a new alarm clock (joke explained: Mason Raymond is boring). Raymond seemed inspired by the goal, and he netted another beauty in the shootout with some fabulous stickwork and skate control to freeze Steve Mason. Raymond had four shots on goal, tops among forwards. Raymond wasn't perfect, mind you. He missed a whopping five shots on the night. In perspective: the rest of the team, combined, missed eight.

• Mind you, that's not as bad as Ryan Kesler, who had zero shots on net last night, with seven attempts blocked. Do you think getting in front of his wrister has become a top priority? Now that he's a known sniper, he's going to have to work a lot harder to create a shooting lane. Later that night, in the shootout, Henrik Sedin showed exemplary leadership when he modeled for Kesler how to get people to quit respecting your shot.

• I liked Alain Vigneault's smirk at the bench during the shootout. What was so funny? My guess is he was imagining the Bluth family do their various chicken dances.

• Keith Ballard had five blocked shots and three hits in three minutes of icetime fewer than Aaron Rome. Aaron Rome may be a forgotten Scrabbler, but Alain Vigneault never seems to forget to play him.

• The great thing about having a shootout go on for so long is that you're guaranteed an unlikely hero. Seriously, Vigneault's next shooter was Frodo Baggins. That said, this thing could have been over much sooner if one of the coaches had realized the secret to the shootout: send out guys who used to play for the opponent. Instant win. No surprise, then, that Raffi Torres was the game's unlikely hero.

• You have to feel bad for Maxim Lapierre, whose first game went about as poorly as it possibly could have. He only played five minutes, but boy, were they eventful. In his first shift as a Canuck, he took a minor penalty. During the first intermission, he likely told himself to calm down, because the worst was over. Then, in his first shift of the second period, the Blue Jackets scored. During the second intermission, he probably told himself things could only improve, and he was likely quite excited when nothing untoward happened on his first shift of the third period. Unfortunately, this would be last shift of the game. On the plus side, he finished on a positive note, and was named the game's thirty-first star.

• Scotty Upshall was kind of amazing last night. His shot on Columbus's lone goal was downright unstoppable, like picking a fight with a warlock.

• Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis's hipcheck on Jakub Voracek was a real thing of beauty. I like how, when Keith Ballard pulls off a hipcheck, the recipient gets pissed, but when Hamhuis does it, the recipient just understands. Mind you, maybe it's because Hamhuis is such a nice guy, he only hipchecks when he suspects a guy need a minor spinal adjustment. Hamhuis runs an on-ice chiropractic clinic. Of course it's free.

• The Canucks' powerplay is beginning to dry up in the absence of its quarterback, Alex Edler. There have been games where Mikael Samuelsson has been able to keep it humming along, but when he has a lackadaisical outing like last night, the unit falls apart. Sami Salo saw a promotion to the top unit in the third period, but it wasn't enough to get the game-winner during a four minute powerplay to close out regulation time. There was a lingering sense that this would come back to haunt them, like some sort of powerplay poltergeist, bringing clowns to life and whatnot.

• And finally, we would be remiss not to talk about the high number of pratfalls in last night's game. People were running into one another, tripping over blue lines, and flubbing on shots and passes all evening. It was high octane physical comedy. Halfway through the game, the organist abandoned the setlist and started playing music from Buster Keaton's The General.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Bruins, February 26, 2011

Canucks 1 - 3 Bruins

Last night's tough loss to the Boston Bruins keeps the Canucks mired in their pattern of alternating wins and losses, a pattern that's now persisted for 10 games. That said, you have to think last night's loss was different--that is was the toughest of the most recent five. Tied at one going into the third period, and poised to do what they do best, which is take over in the third period, the Canucks were instead shocked by a Bruins team that collapsed back in a tie game to block shots and clog up passing lanes. Then, they capitalized on a missed call and a missed defensive assignment to score the game-winner, and wound up skating away from the final frame with two goals on four shots. It had to be sort of infuriating--sort of really infuriating--and I should know, because I felt a similar fury as I watched this game:

• The Boston Bruins continued the trend of Eastern Conference teams getting past the Canucks by blocking every possible shot. Boston blocked 23 shots (Johnny Boychuk and Adam McQuaid having 10 between them). The Canadiens and the Rangers utilized this same game plan to success, and it would appear that teams have a book on the Canucks. Before you start to panic, however, realize that it's no foolproof plan and it can only be exacted if you're not trailing. Had the Canucks been able to hold a lead against these three clubs, things would have opened up. That said, we are beginning to see how teams adjust and meticulously prepare for the best team in the NHL. The Canucks rely on a lot of down-low passing, so if you collapse around the net, you can cover them and get in passing lanes while remaining in position to block point shots. Unsurprisingly, ten of Vancouver's blocked attempts came off the sticks of their top four defensemen.

• One way to combat a goal crease collapse is to send a big forward into the opponents' defensive box to wreak havoc. However, among the top six forwards, only Ryan Kesler has the size for this, especially when Zdeno Chara can so ably move a smaller body elsewhere. Worse, as the center, Kesler is supposed to be the first forward back, so he really can't afford to get caught down low (at even strength, anyway). Tanner Glass's promotion to the second line was Vigneault's attempt to combat the net presence deficiency in his top six.

• It was also an attempt to get through to Mason Raymond, for whom the problems continue to compound. He's typically a reliable defensive player, even during scoring slumps, but even that aspect of his game is beginning to drift away. In the last few games, we've seen plays die on his stick, then come back the other way without him, and end up in the net. Raymond again played a subpar offensive game last night, but he earned a third period demotion to the fourth line with some brutal defensive coverage on Nathan Horton's second period goal. Not only does he let Horton get position in front, Raymond takes his stick out of the play and winds up left with no other recourse but a series of ineffective nudges. If his stick's on the ice, maybe he jams Horton up or knocks the puck away. Instead, one of the spindliest Canucks tosses his stick over his back like a hobo's bindle and tries to outmuscle a power forward. Unwise. Raymond may not have earned himself a trade out of town last night but, at the very least, he's earned himself a couple restless nights before the deadline.

• In the past, PITB had an oft-used No Third Line For Glass hashtag, which we used whenever Tanner Glass got top nine icetime. We've since semi-retired this hashtag (because we love Tanner Glass now), although AV appears to have finally listened, as he bypassed the third line entirely and bumped Tanner to the second. Okay, in truth, this had more to do with keeping the third line intact. They've combined for 7 goals in the last 7 games, including this game's lone Canuck tally. That one came off the stick of Manny "Alternate Captain Mal" Malhotra, who becomes the first Canuck to beat Tim Thomas. Thomas can take solace, however, in knowing that no caucasian Canuck has ever beaten him. Try to remember that, Canucks. Next time the Bruins come to town, we should dress Darren Archibald to take advantage of Thomas's susceptibility to shots by ethnic minorities.

• Brad Marchand's got a real Inspector Gadget look to him, doesn't he? With the long face and nose, I half-expected him to skate on a line with Penny and Brain. He's a bit of a bumbler, too. Twice last night he activated Go-Go-Gadget-Take-Stupid-Penalty.

• Rough night for Sami Salo, who was on the ice for all three Boston goals. Silver lining: that means he stayed healthy for the whole game. Offensively, I enjoyed his eagerness to blast the puck whenever possible. It's nice to have that weapon back. Salo had a game-high 5 shots, and although two were blocked, none missed the net. Can you believe this guy's one half of our bottom pairing?

• People will claim that the Canucks were outmuscled, but that's not actually true. The Canucks outhit Boston 32 to 22, led by 4 hits by Jannik Hansen, 6 by Tanner Glass, and a whopping seven by Raffi Torres, including this fabulous one on Tomas Kaberle, which might have been Raffi's best hit of the season. Human bowling ball indeed.

• Milan Lucic was the star of the evening, scoring the game-winner and notching a helper on Boston's other two goals. That said, can we please put the shoulda drafted Lucic talk to rest? It would have been nice to have a Vancouver-born player in a Canucks uniform, but this isn't another Cam Neely fiasco. He was never going to be a Canuck. He was drafted 50th overall, and scouts at the time thought even that was early. Even if the Canucks hadn't traded away their second-rounder, they likely wouldn't have used it on him. It seems foolish now, but I'm a little sick of people forgetting how hindsight works.

• Ryan Kesler's in a bit of a scoring slump, and I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. Who else do you have to worry about when he's on the ice?

• Speaking of Kesler, he took 25 faceoffs last night. The rest of the team, combined, took 29. It was like he and Vigneault were playing a game of Uno, and Vigneault was out to get him. Draw four, Kes. Ha ha, draw four again.

• I liked Alex Burrows' battle with Milan Lucic. During one faceoff in particular, Lucic simply encroached on Burr's space and made himself unmovable, but what Burr lacks in brute strength, he makes up for in obnoxiousness, so he just chopped Lucic's stick out of his hands and skated away. Good on you, Burr, you greasy little snot.

• The Canucks' power play looked disorganized and tentative, and it may have cost the the game. Tentative is good for road trip itineraries; it's bad for special teams.

• And finally, Cody Hodgson had a strong game, likely motivated by this being the last of his three-game tryout (of sorts), but he needs to get his shot off a little quicker. His patience is impressive, sure, but more impressive if when one's shot reaches the goaltender. Cody had 1 shot on goal, but he had three more blocked because he held onto it too long. I have a feeling the knock on Hodgson will always be a lack of urgency, but unlike the Sedins, he doesn't have an Art Ross trophy to fall back on when people claim he's not quick enough to fire. He should spend a weekend with Donald Trump.

Ryan Kesler on After Hours, Scott Oake Loves PITB

Here's Ryan "Astro Boy" Kesler on After Hours. As usual, the segment's a must-watch, and you have to admire Scott Oake's skill as an interviewer to make it so. Kesler's not an easy interview. He's a surly guy that punches questions, and ends sentences abruptly. There's simply no avoiding dead air when he's the guest.

This one also features the best PITB mention yet (and the second time on the evening someone on the HNIC crew said my name; it was Harrison Night in Canada). At 17:55, Oake asks Kesler another @passittobulis question, marking the third time we've gotten a tweet on the show (first, second). The question in question? Ask Kesler if it's just a coincidence that his son was born exactly 9 months (to the day) after he signed his big contract extension. Regular Bulies might know that we stumbled across this suspicious synchronization of dates while putting together the 2010 in review year-end retrospective.

Kesler is so caught off guard by this question that he a) cracks a disbelieving smile, then b) is briefly rendered speechless, then c) proceeds drop a swearbomb live on the air. He explains how it was during the postseason and he caught crap from AV about sex in the playoffs. Except he doesn't say crap, no sir, he certainly does not. Move over, George Stromboulopoulos, Ryan Kesler's the new badass in town.

This video is also worth watching for Kevin Weekes' blue velvet blazer. Do you like blue velvet? Well, tough, because Kevin Weekes does. And so does David Lynch.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Canadiens, February 22, 2011

Canucks 2 - 3 Canadiens

Not sure why, but the Canadiens started this game like they had embarrassed themselves on national television in their previous outing. Frankly, they skated like it was their first time on indoor ice in days, shooting like they hadn't scored a goal in over sixty minutes, and playing like above zero temperatures were suddenly new to them. Spurred by a novel appreciation for insideness, they jumped out to an early lead, and never looked back. The Canucks, meanwhile, drifted for the first ten minutes, spoiled by their indoor malaise. I say this malaise cost us the game. Also, we scored fewer goals. I watched this game:

• To be perfectly honest, I hated this game. Not just because of the Canucks, mind you, but because the Canadiens play ugly hockey. Ogre ugly. They even employ an ogre. Have you seen James Wisniewksi these days? After taking advantage of a flat-footed Canucks team early, they spent the evening defending their lead by collapsing in front of Carey Price like the 1929 stock market, and clogging up the neutral zone like a big ball of hair in the J-trap. It was unattractive hockey.

• Speaking of hate, Harrison would like everyone to know that he hates P.K. Subban. He claims he's allowed to, because they're both black. That said, I thought I heard him say something about the white way, but it turns out he was saying the white whale (he's in Darren Pang's book club). I'm actually a Subban fan. He's a jerk, sure, but no moreso than Kesler or Burrows. He's a pain in the posterior to play against and is unapologetic about being young and talented. Nothing wrong with that.

• Tonight's big story? Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg were in the audience tonight. I'd be upset about this if I were Nick Frost. Cruise is a much better-looking running mate, and considering his career-trajectory, he might soon be reduced to playing sidekicks. Anyway, considering Cruise and Pegg are from the United States and United Kingdom, respectively, I assume they spent the majority of the game wondering where the ball was. And fending off thetans. Couch jump.

• One of Ryan Kesler's most underrated skills is his overall opaqueness. He used this ability to great effect tonight, proving to Carey Price that it is impossible to see an incoming puck through a body. Not even with X-Ray Specs. You would need military-grade x-ray glasses, and the Canadiens just don't have access to that kind of hardware. Come to think of it, that's about the only kind of hardware they don't have a tonne of. That's a french ton, for those who don't know.

• Kesler was also a beast in the faceoff circle tonight. He went 13-for-13 in the defensive zone, 4-for-5 in the neutral zone, and 8-for-11 in the offensive zone. That's 25-for-29 overall. I say again: he took 29 faceoffs. He lost four. But those four cost them the game. Trade him for money.

• The Canucks Scrabble challenge (in which Harrison will be competing tomorrow) was enough of a big deal to get mentioned twice. It was sort of neat. That said, just to establish, Shorty's proposed Scrabble technique of spelling the word "THE" to block triple word scores is not recommended, and doesn't really make sense. I really can't think of a single scenario where spelling the word "THE" to block a triple-word score--without actually using the triple-word--score would work. That said, Shorty's Scrabble knowledge definitely tops Garrett, who only seemed to know that A had a low-point value.

• Between his poor puck management, and his incessant urges to go wide and try wrap-arounds, it's a wonder Mason Raymond remains an NHL second-liner. He should try managing a truck stop diner, where the turnovers, wraps, and poor management are expected.

• Keith Ballard and Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis both played tonight, but neither was really back, if you know what I mean. They weren't at 100%. For example, Dan Hamhuis only built one Venezuelan orphanage during the game.

• Christian Ehrhoff played 28:35 tonight, which is more than he played in the games Hamhuis and Ballard missed. That's too much icetime for the Hoff, who doesn't play a steady enough game to be on the ice for half of it. Without Alex Edler, he's a bit manic and overzealous. In the last ten minutes of the game (when he didn't seem to leave the ice), Ehrhoff rushed the puck well, but tried to force play after play, and often wound up getting turned back or flummoxing his forwards. A steadying presence like Edler's would have helped greatly. One might say that Christian Ehrhoff misses Alex Edler like Raffi Torres misses the net. That is to say, constantly.

• Actually, I'm going to the Canucks superskills on Sunday, and I'm hoping Torres competes in the shooting accuracy competition. More than that, I hope he wins, just to increase his already astronomical ability to boggle. Think he plays Boggle? Should this be our next challenge? #BoggleMeRaffi

• The Canucks evidently got 39 shots-on-net, with the Canadiens blocking another 22. The number of quality scoring chances, on the other hand, was significantly lower, and this is the third or fourth game in a row where this has been the case. During this stretch, with the defensive injuries, the Canucks' shot totals have actually gone up, but the overall quality of their offense has gone down. One example would be the very common occurrence of the Sedins parking behind the net. Typically, they make something happen from back there, but half of the threat is predicated on the defensemen being viable passing options. They really weren't tonight. Instead, you had long stretches of Alex Burrows darting back and forth in front of the crease, hoping to get open, before Henrik gave up and went somewhere else.

• For the first time, Chris Tanev looked a little out of place in the NHL. He's really only had one unimpressive game prior to this evening, but tonight, the Canadiens took advantage of how raw a talent he is. Unlike Mikael Samuelsson, whose minus-3 was not reflective of his overall defensive play (it had more to do with playing with Mason Raymond), Tanev's minus-2 was self-made. On the opening goal, he drifted into center ice while David Desharnais tiptoed in behind him (inasmuch as one on skates can tiptoe) for a breakaway. On the second Montreal goal, he took himself out of the play with a poorly-timed hit and couldn't get back in time to cover Andrei Kostitsyn. To this, I say: Tanev, play to your strengths, one of which is not strength.

• The Canucks' power play quite nearly bailed them out tonight, potting two goals on six powerplays (one here, one above), despite looking discombobulated, at times. Part of me feels like the power play let the team down tonight, especially considering the ill-disciplined nature of Montreal's penalties. It was especially aggravating to see a five-on-three go to waste. The Canucks remain one of only two teams in the NHL that hasn't scored on a five-on-three, the other being the special teams juggernaut that is Edmonton. Suffice it to say, sharing any statistical anomaly with Edmonton should be somewhat embarrassing.

• At under five minutes, Cody Hodgson had one minute less icetime than Victor Oreskovich. Thinking about the playoffs, that is not a sign of trust. This is.

• Carey Price played well tonight. He's been good all season, really, and it wasn't that long ago that everybody was calling for Bob Gainey's head because he'd traded the wrong goalie. I brought crow for everybody. nom nom nom

• And finally, I wasn't a huge fan of Alex Burrows's game tonight. Not too long ago, he was scoring like crazy, so it's unfair to complain that he's not scoring. But he didn't score tonight. It would have been nice if he had done so, especially with the golden opportunities he was given. It was especially bothersome because he didn't do much else. His puck retrieval was below-average and his forechecking was ineffective. He's at his best when he's creating turnovers and getting the puck to the Sedins, not when he's waiting for the Sedins to get the puck to him.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Wild, February 15, 2010

Canucks 4 - 1 Wild

With tonight's victory over the Minnesota Wild, the Canucks successfully staved off their first

two-game regulation losing streak since November, when they went three straight games without collecting a point against Pittsburgh, Chicago, and Phoenix, in that order. Again: that was in November. This stat, incredible as it is, never seemed more in jeopardy than heading into tonight's game. And, unlike Watson the computer, it had every right to be in jeopardy: the six-man defensive unit iced by the Canucks tonight was about as green as a Lamborghini Murcielago; the team was playing in a very unfriendly building; the Canucks were on the second night of a back-to-back. Yet, somehow, they won. Breaking news: this team is resilient. Also breaking: I watched this game:

• Outshot, outhit, and outplayed for the second night in a row, the Canucks submitted a pretty paltry effort, even going so far as to play the entire third period without putting a shot on Nicklas Backstrom. They had 14 shots total. Like the movie Crash, they didn't deserve to win anything, but somehow, they did. Unlike the movie Crash, however, the Canucks did it with a pretty thin cast.

• If you're wondering how, exactly, the Canucks eked this one out, look no further than Cory Schneider, the Canucks' backup netminder, who stopped 28 of 29 shots on the night to keep the Canucks in it. Having watched Schneider for awhile now, I feel fairly confident in saying that he's going to be a very good goaltender for a long time. He does two things incredibly well: the first is getting in position to make the save. The Wild tried all night to get him moving side to side, but Schneider always seemed to be in the right position to take the puck squarely on the chest. The second thing he does well is sweep the puck away with his goal stick. I don't remember the last time a Canuck goaltender was as active clearing pucks out of his crease. Schneider is turning himself into a very hot commodity. I should say that it seems a downright shame to be salivating simply at Schneider's trade value (the NHL equivalent of Grampa Simpson's classic "I can't wait to eat that monkey" quote), but that's where this is headed.

• The only downside to any Canuck victory against Minnesota is the inevitable "Canucks Tame Wild" headline. We get it. It's been done. You can do better, everyone. May I recommend: "Canucks Poach Wild", "Canucks Stuff and Skin Wild", "Canucks Put Wild in Small Cage and Allow Flash Photography" or, if the Canucks are at home, "Canucks Abuse Wild Domestically."

• Any hope of easing Sami Salo back into the lineup went out the window when the rest of his defensive cohorts fell down that mine shaft, but he's proved capable of the big minutes almost right away, and begun producing immediately. Salo played over twenty minutes tonight, picking up an assist for the second straight game when his powerplay point blast was tipped by Manny Malhotra. I like that the Canucks are playing Salo on the second unit of the powerplay, and resisting the urge to float him to the top spot in Alex Edler's absence. Salo has immediately improved the B unit with his threatening shot, the unit scoring in two of the three games since he's been back. Interestingly, both times, the goal was the first of the game and the Canucks went on the win.

• Do people in Minnesota wear anything other than flannel and fleece? HD TV indicates that they do not.

• Ryan Kesler's empty-net goal was the Canucks' only shot of the period, and a source of a triple upstaging. 1) The Canucks upstaged the Wild by scoring the empty-netter. 2) Alex Burrows missed the open net for a goal that would have extended his league-leading point streak, then Kesler upstaged him from further away. 3) John "King Homer" Garrett made a passionate case for Burrows receiving a point, claiming he may have touched the puck when it came off the boards. It was not to be. However, Christian Ehrhoff then upstaged John Garrett by making a passionate case for himself: This, from a Michael Russo tweet: "Hilarious, but Christian Ehrhoff is begging for assist on empty-netter. Hit his shin pad. The off-ice officials having passionate debate." Ehrhoff got that assist. Everyone was upstaged tonight.

• The reunited third line of Manny Malhotra, Raffi Torres, and Jannik Hansen combined for the Canucks' second goal, and it was great to see that line create offense for the second night in a row. This has been our most successful third line trio, and I'm of the mind that you keep it together now, no matter what. Let them work through their problems as a unit, like Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz in What Happens in Vegas. It will be a lot easier when Malhotra has games like tonight. Manny finished the night with a goal, an assist, and a +50% faceoff percentage.

• Say you're Alain Vigneault: what do you do when your team is exhausted and your defense corps is decimated? You hand the keys to your two Selke-calibre centers and you instruct them to trap the Hell out of the mother. Manny Malhotra and Ryan Kesler both took 28 shifts, game-high among forwards, as well as taking twenty faceoffs apiece. For contrast, Henrik Sedin took only eleven. In fact, Vigneault played the Sedins sparingly, only skating Daniel Sedin for 15:55. Kesler and Malhotra did what Selke-calibre centers do, winning faceoffs, making the smart, defensive play (which, in this case, was chipping the puck out of the zone), and pitching in a goal and an assist each. Suffice it to say, Vigneault's decision to ride these guys worked. I tell you all of this so that, if anybody tells you the Wild play a boring system, you can point out that it was the Canucks, in fact, who turned this one into a snoozefest. The Wild play a fairly uptempo system these days.

• Apart from one ugly giveaway, I hardly noticed Yann Sauve at all. Good.

• Martin Havlat somehow managed to finish the game minus-3. This is especially cathartic when you recall the defensive acumen he appeared to have in the Canucks last visit to Minnesota. Q: Martin Havlat is defensively sound. A: False.

• When did Cal Clutterbuck become amazing? The NHL's next great agitator did it all for the Wild tonight, scoring their only goal and narrowly missing on a number of other great chances, and getting away with a couple cheapies by high-sticking Christian Ehrhoff and butt-ending Henrik Sedin. Guy's a total jerk, but wow, is he good. And what a name. If I didn't so wish a pox on him, I'd think he was pretty fantastic.

• Christian Ehrhoff had four blocked shots tonight. It's gone completely unnoticed, but Ehrhoff has become a major shot-blocker in a very short time. Last year, in 80 games played, Ehrhoff had 82 blocked shots. This year, he's tied with Kevin Bieksa for the team lead at 81. He's done this in only 55 games played. Yes sir, Ehrhoff is singlehandedly taking this team to Blockoland.

• And finally: Mikael Samuelsson has improved on a lot of things since the All-Star break, but if I can highlight one, it's been his ability to find space to get his shot off. Watch him drift into the open area on the Canucks' third goal. Not since Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift have I seen drifting of this magnitude.

Quotes Taken Out of Context: Kesler Valentine's Day Edition

"I just gave her the meat."

- Ryan Kesler, February 14, 2011

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Flames, February 12, 2011

Canucks 4 - 2 Flames

There was a surprising amount of hand-wringing following Wednesday night's loss to the Anaheim Ducks, especially considering the Canucks hadn't dropped two consecutive games in regulation since November. Suffice it to say, there was little to worry about (unless you're Brad Zeimer, the Freddy Kreuger of Vancouver hockey reporting, in which case the possibility that people will realize there's nothing to worry about threatens your very source of power). Bearing in mind recent trends (such as zero pointless streaks in 2011), it was highly likely that we would see a bounce-back of flubberesque proportions. Unsurprisingly, that's exactly what we got. The Canucks gave themselves a pre-game Flubber rubdown and bounced back harder, even, than the laws of physics allow, capping off another fantastic Hockey Day in Canada with a win over the Calgary Flames. I watched this game:

• It was a tight game, and I need to state, for the record, that I'm thrilled by this. I love that the Flames are back to playing good hockey. While I relish watching them lose, it's not nearly as much fun when it's a foregone conclusion. The closeness of the last two contests has increased the entertainment level exponentially.

• The Sedins and Kesler combined for one paltry point last night--a Daniel Sedin assist, because he's still out for blood--but Alex Burrows and Mikael Samuelsson had two goals apiece. These guys are on fire right now, and it can only bode well for the Canucks if they jump from three scoring threats to five. Samuelsson turned the entire tide of the game with two great shots, including the game-winning goal. And, if you think the Sedins and Kesler weren't factors, consider that both his two goals don't happen without perfect screens by Kesler and Daniel Sedin, respectively.

• Samuelsson has really picked up his play, most notably getting his lethal wrist shot back, but it should also be noted that he's now getting first-unit powerplay time and he's back playing on Ryan Kesler's wing. Those are plum offensive minutes, and they factor into his uptick in scoring. Consider this effect the next time you bemoan the trade of Michael Grabner.

• Good eye by Craig Simpson on Samuelsson's even-strength goal (above). It was a set play. After winning the draw cleanly to Bieksa, Kesler heads to the net while Mason Raymond inches up the wall towards the blue line. Meanwhile, Samuelsson parks himself in an open area, high above the right faceoff dot. After Bieksa and Raymond open up a passing lane, Raymond feeds him for a quick snapshot. Both the shot and Kesler's screen in front are perfectly placed, and Kiprusoff has no chance. Now, how do you know it's a set play? Because nobody ever goes there. It's like the back corner of the Costco parking lot. You know that anybody who parks there is up to something.

• Mason Raymond is often infuriating, but he's also got 9 points in his last 8 games. I hate the way he circles the zone (a move I heard one guy call the MayRay-Go-Round), but it's hard to fault a guy that can be counted on to keep the puck 200 feet from his own net, even if he rarely takes it to the other team's. Plus, he had two assists. His goal-mouth pass to Alex Burrows for the opening goal looked accidental, as Raymond appeared to lose the puck while trying to shoot it. However, he went to the net and got a fortuitous bounce, and that's a common string of events. Furthermore, Raymond nearly had another assist when he beat his defender with a wicked head juke before centering the puck for Kesler, who couldn't bury it. Heck, the way Samuelsson and Kesler are going, if Raymond can continue to buy space and get them the puck a little more often, he'll be fine.

• A while back, Justin Bourne wrote an article on the ways players slow down the game. One of them was to have wingers kill time getting waved out of the faceoff circle on purpose. We saw another use for this tactic last night, as Niklas Hagman got himself intentionally tossed in order to give his linemates a bit more rest after an icing call. It was amusing to watch Henrik Sedin just stand there, waiting for Hagman to get kicked out, as if to say, go ahead, idiot.

• Manny Malhotra had a two-point last night, picking up assists on both of Alex Burrows' goals. In both cases, all he did was win a faceoff. He won 13 of 16 faceoffs last night. One faceoff win led to the vital opening goal; one led to the empty-net goal that sealed the win. As Skeeter said last week, Malhotra is an enabler, and his remarkable faceoff prowess bookended this victory. Stuff like this happens more often than you realize; he just doesn't always end up on the scoresheet for it.
  

• Jannik Hansen had a game-high six hits, and continues to be the best forechecker and pokechecker the Canucks have. He's a pokechecking monster (a pokeymon, if you will). It's like when your parents first joined Facebook: he pokes everything. He's also a huge part of the Canucks' penalty-kill, which killed off all three penalties the team took and now has a streak of 40 kills, more than enough for Halo 2's Overkill Medal. Like M.O.D.O.K., one of the greatest comic book villains of all time, The Canucks' penalty-kill is a mental organism designed only for killing. Jannik Hansen is a huge part of this.

• Speaking of the penalty-kill, I liked Alex Burrows' heads-up play when Andrew Alberts broke his stick. First, Burrows gives Andy Alby his stick, then stickless, he skates right up to Jarome Iginla and nudges him away from everything. It takes them both out of the play, turning an effective 5-on-3 with Jarome Iginla on it to a 4-on-3 without him. Clever.

• Kevin Bieksa was, again, the rock of the Canucks' defense, and he played some delicious defense on Jarome Iginla. Not since Brach's Rocks have I seen such a deliciousness from a rock. Bieksa took his lumps, too. In one instance, Jarome Iginla took him out with a Mario 64-style butt drop. Bieksa had a team-high 25:24 of ice time, which is impressively low considering the injuries on the back end. For contrast: Jay Bouwmeester had over twenty-six minutes of ice time, and the Flames' defense is healthy.

• The Canucks were able to keep Bieksa's minutes down somewhat because they got some great play out of their bottom-three guys, especially from Aaron Rome. He picked up an assist, finished the game a plus-2, and dished out three hits, including one Ballard-esque hipcheck along the boards. It's a little easier to understand Vigneault's man-crush on Rome when he plays like that, but here's something I'll never fully understand: the philosophy of Martin Heidegger.

• And finally: Sami Salo had a nice, quiet first game back. Give Rick Bowness and the rest of the coaching staff credit for resisting the urge to give him a (Byfuglienian) buttload of minutes. He looked a little shaky at times, including a seriously foolish interference penalty in the third, but that's okay. He's rocking a four-game health streak now.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Ducks, February 09, 2011

Canucks 3 - 4 Ducks

It feels like it's been forever since we've watched the Canucks suffer a home regulation loss, and I'm a little uncertain of how to feel about it. At this point in the season, it's not unlike like being gored by a unicorn: sure, it's undesired, but it's so rare that you're kind of impressed. Only the fourth time this season the Canucks have skated away from a home game without a point, it's pretty hard to muster up the usual fan despair. Heck, the Red Wings lost too, so the only thing on which the Canucks missed out was stretching their nine-point Western Conference lead into an eleven-point lead. They were going to lose eventually, and despite the brush with inevitability, they remain in pretty good standing. I watched this game:

• Of course, for reasonable, like-minded people that are finding it difficult to freak out at this loss, we have the terrifying problem of Dan Hamhuis's addition to the list of broken Canucks. Hamhuis is the backbone of the Canucks' defense corps; without him, the Canucks defense is an invertebrate. Hit from behind by Ryan Getzlaf, Hamhuis briefly went unconscious, which is not ideal, because he wasn't getting his wisdom teeth removed. Of course, while he was in the dreamworld, because he's such a community-oriented guy, he helped a young girl rescue her brother from Jareth, King of the Goblins, but that's another story for another time.

• The hit wasn't dirty. For people looking to cast blame: there is none. In a high-speed sport, accidents happen. Ryan Getzlaf was finishing a check, a move for which all coaches would applaud him. Yes, he was briefly off his feet, but it looks to me like it was the contact with Hamhuis--not his innate wickedness--that caused him to catch air. Some say Hamhuis shouldn't have turned away, but let's get serious. Do these same people curse out their kneecap when it jumps at the tap of a doctor's tendon hammer? Bracing oneself for impact is a natural reflex of the body. I'm sure Dan Hamhuis, a professional hockey player, would be the first one to tell you not to turn like that, but in a split second, the body doesn't always cooperate with the mind. Let's just hope he's okay and move on. Getzlaf isn't a dirty player.

• What he is, however, is a remarkable player. His pass on the Ducks' third goal was dangerously close to Wizardous Sedinerie, as he cribbed a page from Henrik's book of spells (otherwise known as the Nyturan Demonta), perfectly executing a swiveling backpass to Bobby Ryan. Ryan impressed also, receiving and burying that pass entirely on the backhand. I've heard rumblings that the Canucks can't handle the Perry-Getzlaf-Ryan line and that this is some sort of fatal flaw, but who can? They're one of the best lines in hockey, and there's no shame when they burn you. Let's try to give credit when due. Getzlaf is a superstar, and in his first game back from injury, he made sure we knew it. That said, when you steal Henrik's book of spells, you free some pretty malevolent spirits, so Getzlaf should expect some Evil Dead-style demonic high jinks.

• Speaking of malevolent spirits, a theory about these sudden injury troubles: for years, Sami Salo has been possessed by an injury demon. It's decades-old; it once lived in Bobby Orr's knees. Anyway, while rehabbing the Achilles injury, Salo finally rid it from his body, but the demon remains in the bowels of Rogers Arena, jumping from defenceman to defenceman, looking for a suitable host. Someone call Max Von Sydow.

• Christian Ehrhoff had an ugly game, on the ice for three of Anaheim's four goals on the evening and, in each case, the guy caught behind the play. He wasn't always the one to blame, but not once was he the last man back, and that's concerning. His rush-jumpy tendencies may fly when burgeoning superstar Alex Edler is the watchman, but when it's Chris Tanev or Aaron Rome, you might want to stay a little closer to home. With the blueline decimated by injuries, now is not the time for Ehrhoffian defensive offensivity. It's the time for sound defensive play.

• Speaking of Chris Tanev, he continues to look wise beyond his years. Is he in sync with the Sedins already? In this game, he pulled off Kevin Bieksa's jump through the middle and a slap-pass from the point to Daniel. Neither resulted in a goal, but still, these are specialized set plays. Not since Neo learned kung-fu have I seen someone learn something so complicated so quickly. I think Tanev might be The One. He doesn't even see the game; he's sees phosphorescent lines of code.

• Alarming thought which is no longer as alarming as it once was: Kevin Bieksa is now the rock of our defense corps. #JuiceWillSaveUs

• Jannik Hansen's high-pitched monotone gets me every time. During an intermission interview with Kristin Reid, he coughed, and his pitch didn't change a bit. That is commitment.
  

• Lost in the loss was the fact that last night was a three-point night for Daniel Sedin. He had a goal and two assists, and his line looked great all night. He narrowly missed tying the game in the final seconds, too, if not for the puck making a Barry Sanders-level juke. Yes, Sedin was excellent. For folks complaining that the Ducks' top line was too much for the Canucks, need I remind you that this street goes both ways? The Sedins were on for exactly as many goals as Getzlaf's line. By the by, on Daniels's power play goal, Henrik might not have gotten an assist, but did you notice his sneaky trip on Todd Marchant? It wasn't a slewfoot; Henrik simply shades in behind him and plants his skate, and Marchant, skating backwards, trips over it. As a result, Daniel has a buttload (a Byfuglienian buttload, at that) of room.

• Alex Burrows now has 6 goals in his last 7 games, and I loved the way he scored this one. Henrik and Burr do this all the time, and it works surprisingly often. Henrik gets set up behind the net and he just waits there for something to open up. Eventually, one of the checkers gets impatient and lunges at Henrik, and Alex Burrows cuts to the crease, and Henrik gets him the puck. The way Corey Perry played is is the wrong way to play it. The correct defensive play is to wait for Henrik to fall asleep.
  

• Did you know the Canucks had 38 shots and attempted 73? It felt like they had about 20. I don't recall McElhinney making many incredible saves, either.

• Mason Raymond's act is wearing thin. I know he's been picking up points lately, but that seems more a result of his linemates than his individual play. Somebody remind him that skating quickly around the outside is for Clara Hughes. Is he aware that a team's defensive strategy against any offensive threat is to keep him doing exactly what he does willingly?

• Ryan Kesler had a good game, scoring a crucial goal late in the game, and winning 15-of-21 draws, but he had too many rushes end for him when he gave the puck to Raymond and wound up not getting it back. Kesler and Raymond had chemistry last season, but this year, they've gone in completely different directions. Often, Kesler's best stuff comes when he doesn't pass to Raymond, or when he's on with the Sedins. This doesn't bode well for Raymond. It makes him an expendable, tradeable asset. If he doesn't prove himself untouchable in a hurry, he's in danger of being sent to a worse team. He'd better pick it up in a hurry, or he'll find himself playing for a seller.

• Speaking of acts wearing thin, nobody breaks up a promising rush faster than Raffi Torres. Far too often, he's a baffling, downright bungling presence. Watching him skate on a line with Jannik Hansen is like watching inspectors Holmes and Clouseau try to solve a mystery together. One does all the right things, the other breaks vases and falls down staircases.

• And finally, I have never, ever in my life, seen two men chew gum with more ferocity than Mike Gillis and Alain Vigneault as they waited for Dan Hamhuis to get up.