Wildly Untrue Hockey Urban Legends

On a recent visit to snopes.com, I noted that the hockey section of their website is woefully underpopulated by hilariously fake urban legends, crazy rumours, and weird myths. Indeed, the site only has three hockey-related entries, with two of them boringly true. This is incredibly disappointing and, frankly, a disgrace. It's especially disgraceful when a bland sport such as baseball has 20 total entries, the vast majority of them patently false, none of them related to steroids.

To rectify this awful, terrible situation, we at Pass it to Bulis have come up with some wildly untrue urban legends that we encourage you to e-mail to your dumbest and loudest friends. Feel free to add, twist, or distort any of these into whatever form you wish: that is the mark of a good urban legend.

Here presented for your enjoyment and dissemination are 10 Tru Fakts.*

• Famed enforcer and all-time NHL penalty-minute leader David "Tiger" Williams got into his fair share of scraps in his day. This was back before mouthguards were common, and he would often knock out a tooth or two from his opponent. He had a standing arrangement with the crew at each arena to collect the teeth from the ice after each fight and give them to him after the game, usually slipping $50 back their way. He strung the teeth on a necklace that he wore under his sweater.

• Pavel Bure drank a gallon of milk and expelled the milk via vomiting prior to every single hockey game. He attributed his great speed on the ice to this habit.

• Unbeknownst to hockey fans, the NHL, in an attempt to increase hockey's profile in the US, increased the size of the away nets in the LA King's home arena, The Forum, by less than half an inch from 1988 to 1991, leading to inflated point totals for Wayne Gretzky, a high-profile star at the time.

• Vancouver Canuck Sami Salo once ruptured a testicle blocking a slapshot. The injury occurred in a playoff game against the Chicago Blackhawks on May 9, 2010. The Canucks went on to win the game and Salo returned to action the following game despite the testicular trauma.

• In college, Bill Clinton was a standout in hockey at Georgetown University and was offered a contract by several NHL teams, including the New York Rangers, but chose to instead go to Oxford on a Rhodes Scholarship. The hockey program at Georgetown has since collapsed due to lack of funding.

• In 2002, former Vancouver Canuck Harold Druken once paid a $500 fine entirely in Loonies to then General Manager Brian Burke. Burke did not take the joke well: Druken was traded shortly after to the Carolina Hurricanes on November 1, 2002.

• There is a human skeleton in the foundations of Nassau Coliseum, but it wasn't due to a construction accident. The owner of the New York Islanders and New York Nets at the time, Roy Boe, famously loved urban legends and believed that all great construction projects needed one. He tasked one of his employees, Harvey Ringwold, to acquire a skeleton to place in the building's foundation or walls. Ringwold procured the skeleton from the NYU School of Medicine under the pretense of outfitting the Coliseum's medical room.

• Prior to the first game of the Stanley Cup Finals in 1984, Grant Fuhr was asked by a white reporter, "How long have you been a black goaltender?" Fuhr's response: "I've been a goalie since I was nine. I've been black all my life."

• From 1972 until 1987, the rule for icing did not actually appear in the NHL rulebook. A clerical error in printing a new edition of the official NHL rulebook in 1972 led to the rule accidentally being left out. It continued to be called as per usual and wasn't noticed as missing until the 1987 edition.

• The 100 Grand Bar, a popular chocolate bar introduced in 1966, was named for the two-year $100,000 contract Bobby Orr signed with the Boston Bruins as a prospect. The contract made Bobby Orr the highest-paid player in league history. Nestlé's US headquarters were located in Boston and introduced the chocolate bar after the contract signing, intending it to be a short-term product as a joke. Instead, the bar became a success, with consumer demand forcing the 100 Grand Bar into permanent production.

• Gordie Howe famously met his wife, Colleen, at a Detroit bowling alley. Lesser known was that Gordie Howe was an internationally ranked ten-pin bowler, once reaching as high as 17. It was said that he could have had a long professional career in bowling if he hadn't been so good at hockey. He frequently bowled under the pseudonym "Gordon Hoyle" to avoid attracting attention.

* Tru Fakts are in no way related to true facts. Pass it to Bulis cannot be held responsible for any injury incurred while using Tru Fakts.

Every Goal, Forward Edition: the Guys with Four Goals or Less

Demitra: Did you see that? Two between-the-legs moves in a row!
Wellwood: Ho ho ho! Golly, that was nifty.
Demitra: We didn't score, but we're satisfied with the skills we've showcased!

Welcome back to the Every Goal series, a nearly exhaustive compendium of every goal the Canucks scored last season, player by player, in chronological order. There are two days left in this beast. Today, we cover the forwards who scored four goals or less as a Canuck last season in descending order: Rick Rypien (4), Tanner Glass (4), Pavol Demitra (3), and the one-goal guys--Darcy Hordichuk, Matt Pettinger, and Ryan Johnson.

Most of these guys deserve to be here. They're the muckers, the grinders, the six minutes a night guys, with the exception of Pavol Demitra. Consider that I've been railing against Glass being used as a third-liner at times last season, but he outscored Pavol Demitra. Injuries be damned, my friends--that is unacceptable. Nucks Misconduct has been touting a Demitra-free existence since July 1, and I have to admit I like breathing the Vancouver air knowing I'm not sharing it with Pavol Demitra. To be fair, he had his moments in Vancouver, but seemingly none of them came while wearing a Vancouver jersey and that's infuriating. Part of me thinks the Demo nickname is more appropriate now that we know Vancouver got the limited demo version of Pavol (hence, why this didn't amount to anything), and the Slovaks got the fully licensed, unlocked version. In the future, Gillis, let's steer clear of shareware. On to the forwards.

Rick Rypien

1. Oct. 16 vs. the Calgary Flames
Rypien's first of the season comes on a feed from Henrik. He comes out from behind the net and then wires a wrist shot, top corner, over Kiprusoff. It's a gorgeous shot. Credit to Henrik, who gets the puck to him with a ton of space to do something.

2. Nov. 3 vs. the New York Rangers
Rypien here is the beneficiary of some incredible work by Ryan Kesler, who enters the zone 1-on-3, dumps the puck in, gets it back, and controls it along the boards before finding Rypien sneaking in. Kesler makes a beautiful pass, and Rypien finishes.

3. Jan. 5 vs. the Columbus Blue Jackets
Rypien rips (pun!) a slapshot past Steve Mason in this clip and it's a bullet. The real story here is Kyle Wellwood's weak little saucer pass, however, as it hops over the defender's stick and then just lays there, waiting for the Rypper to tear into it.

4. Apr. 10 vs. the Calgary Flames
Credit here to Adam Pardy, who does some terrible defensive work, gets beat and loses his stick in Matt Pettinger's legs. The play becomes a 2-on-1, and Pettinger walks in before feeding it to Rypien directly in front of Kiprusoff. Rypien's four goals show he's actually got a pretty good shot, and here he puts it to good use. The guy isn't much of a playmaker, but he actually can finish if he's set up.

Tanner Glass

Tanner Glass, upon realizing that, against all reason, he's skating on the third line tonight.

1. Nov. 1 vs. the Colorado Avalanche (at 1:51 of clip)
Glass scores on a 2-on-1 with Kyle Wellwood by keeping, shooting, and having the puck bank off the defenseman, which is the textbook play, really.

2. Nov. 14 vs. the Colorado Avalanche
Glass's goal is the eighth of the game for the Canucks, so everything was going in for them. That's likely why Glass scores. He shows good strength with the puck here, coming out from behind the net, fighting off his man, and putting it low on the short side.

3. Nov. 26 vs. the Los Angeles Kings (at 5:37 of clip)
Don't believe Shorty's call here. It's Glass that scores, although Wellwood does most of the work, stealing the puck in the neutral zone and feeding Glass. After Quick makes the save, Glass pokes the rebound home.

4. Nov. 28 vs. the Edmonton Oilers
Glass's shows good tenacity on his fourth goal of the season, coming out from behind the net for a shot, then picking up his own rebound and roofing it. I'm not a huge fan of Tanner Glass. Yes, he dished out many hits, but not very good hits, and he didn't bring much else. This despite a number of games where he skated, inexplicably and poorly, on the third line, thereby causing Kyle Wellwood to have to sign a tryout contract with Phoenix. All this said, however, I would have Tanner Glass in November. He scored four goals last season, all in November.

Pavol Demitra

1. Feb. 6 vs. the Boston Bruins
Demitra's first of only three goals last season was a big one. Down late in the third period, he tips this Tanner Glass shot home to tie the game. My favourite part of this clip? Kyle Wellwood, looking hapless. That's him tripping over a Bruin in the corner of the frame on every replay.

2. Mar. 2 vs. the Columbus Blue Jackets
Maybe it's just me, but it seems like everybody on the roster scored a goal on Steve Mason last year. He's just looked terrible in these clips all through the Every Goal series. Anyway, here he is getting beat by a Demitra wrister off a rebound. My favourite thing about this clip? Mikael Samuelsson's interference to give Demo the room to get to this this puck and shoot it. He had body position, but still, it just looks so blatantly like interference.

3. Apr. 8 vs. the San Jose Sharks
Here we have another beautiful yet largely-forgotten piece of wizardous sedinerie, as Henrik and Daniel pull off a give-and-go along the boards. Daniel's no-look, between-the-legs back-pass to Henrik is downright effortless. From there, Henrik feeds Demitra, who makes a nice shot to score the goal. This is a tight angle shot that Demitra absolutely kills.

Darcy Hordichuk
Darcy Hordichuk, after winning a fight with the puck.

1. Nov. 5 vs. the Minnesota Wild
Darcy Hordichuk's only goal of last season comes on a dreadful botched breakout, as Derek Boogaard fails to receive a simple pass, and the puck squirts out to Hordy instead. He slaps the puck past Backstrom. Glen Sather, upon seeing this goal, immediately circled Boogaard's name on his must-sign list.

Matt Pettinger

1. Nov. 5 vs. the Minnesota Wild
Can you believe Matt Pettinger scored his only goal of the season in the same game as Darcy Hordichuk? How odd. Anyway, this one comes off a pretty terrible angle, and banks in off of Backstrom. That's two goals the Wild shouldn't have allowed, both to the Canucks' fourth line. Yes, they lost the game. I love the look on Hordichuk's face when he's on the ice for a goal. It's like, "OMG YOU GUYS WOW." He's genuinely shocked not to be in the minuses.

Ryan Johnson

1. Mar. 18 vs. the San Jose Sharks
What's incredible to me about Ryan Johnson is that, while he rarely scored, the ones he potted weren't easy. This goal is a prime example. Johnson shows speed, stickhandling ability, and quick hands to get to that rebound. This goal is another example. It's a shame this Ryan Johnson only showed up about once a season. Farewell, Balls. You will be missed, just like when you played for us.

Quotes Taken Out of Context: Burish Edition

"Maybe I will rub up against him."

- Adam Burish (in reference to Sami Salo's testicle), May 11, 2010

Follow-Up: That Sami Salo Has "Guts"

This is the last time I'm going to report on this story, as I feel, like the testicle itself, it's been beaten to a pulp. But here's a photo of Sami Salo walking. More impressively, he's wearing a suit and carrying his own bags.

Let me just say, he's a better man than I. If that were me, considering all that had happened, I'd likely look more heavily drugged. Probably my skin would look more sickly and yellow. There's no way I'd wear a suit. If pressed to adhere to the team dress code, I'd wear a bowtie, but I would insist on being barefoot. For comfort and range of motion, I'd see that no other piece of fabric came anywhere near my groin and I'd be wearing a loose-fitting diaper.

I guess this is what I'm describing.

Stop Acting So Queasy and Be Funnier: Salo Would Want it This Way

OMG Cat reacting to Salo being hit in the groin.

In the last twenty-four hours, Sami Salo's testicle has become a nut of legend. The story's been passed around traditional and non-traditional markets (a number of our hits from late last night came from basketball reporters comparing Salo's injury to Steve Nash's), and I'm sure you've told it to a friend or two. It's certainly nearing time to move on. But have we done enough? The opportunity to make Wiener Jokes is fading quickly, and I have a hard time believing the Vancouver media has had all the fun they can.

Let's be honest. The Vancouver media are the sort that titters at the word titter. Tommy Larscheid alone has a tendency towards a saucy double entendre, even if most are unintentional. His Larscheid-isms are classics: "I could watch Paul Kariya play with himself all day", for instance, or the infamous "I just came from the Canucks dressing room and Pavel's groin has never felt better". It's pretty funny stuff. He also once said, "Let's face facts: Jan Bulis is just a dumb hockey player." But hey now, Tommy. Play nice.

What about Willie Mitchell's long stick? Kyle Wellwood's little stick? How about the constant jokes about Roberto Luongo's knob this year alone? There have been dozens. The media loves indirectly referring to twangers. Hell, this is a chance to use words rarely used in journalism, like nutsack. Why the conservative streak all of a sudden when it comes to Sami's grapes? It's gotta be fear. Fear of karma. Fear of having their nuts crushed by a puck because they mocked someone else for the same thing.

There's no other excuse for missing joke potential so obviously. See, for example, Dan Rosen's NHL.com article about the Canucks victory last night. His thesis: it was a gutsy win. His opening sentence: "The word gutsy kept coming up in the Canucks dressing room late Sunday night."

Come on, man. You know what's a synonym for guts? You know what else was probably "coming up" for other reasons? You know what's a way better word choice? Balls. Just say balls, Dan Rosen. You know you want to. The word "balls" kept coming up in the Vancouver Canucks' dressing room late Sunday night. This is a much better opener. Sami Salo's nut basically exploded last night. Is there any excuse for an article in which the only tongue-in-cheek reference about it is inadvertent? "'The boys stepped up huge,' said [Shane] O'Brien.

You've missed out on a golden opportunity, everyone.

Sami Salo Leaves Game With a Ruptured Testicle

Hang in there, big guy. No pun intended.

Update: maybe he didn't after all? Considering how crazy the Internet has gone in the last four hours (Twitter feeds! Facebook pages! Youtube parodies! Puck Daddy mentions!), part of me kind of hopes that this all went down as initially reported. The sensationalist side of me. The other part of me (my nuts, y'all) just wants Salo's testicle to be okay.

More postgame coverage to come on the Canucks' win tonight, including our I Watched This Game, but I just wanted to pause and have a moment of silence for Sami Salo, who left the game at the end of the first-period after being hti with a Duncan Keith shot in the midsection. After some speculation (broken rib? collapsed organ?), TSN spilled the beans, so to speak, by letting everyone know that Sami Salo had a ruptured testicle.

The first Google return is from Kids Health. What the Hell? Anyway, here's what they had to say:

Testicular rupture [...] is a rare type of testicular trauma. This can happen when the testicle receives a forceful direct blow or when the testicle is crushed against the pubic bone (the bone that forms the front of the pelvis), causing blood to leak into the scrotum. Testicular rupture, like testicular torsion and other serious injuries to the testicles, causes extreme pain, swelling in the scrotum, nausea, and vomiting. To fix the problem, surgery is necessary to repair the ruptured testicle.

Whaaaaaaat? That sounds horrible. Now unless this has happened before, which I doubt, I do believe it's his 39th unique career injury. And it is undoubtedly the worst. Let us take a moment to mourn the loss of Sami Salo's testicle, and pray for the doctors who will try to save his nethers.