More of Keith Ballard's Worst Pranks

You might recall from an earlier PITB piece that Ballard is a noted prankster; he just happens to be terrible at it. It's true. He's worse than Jeff Bridges. You also might recall that Atlanta, where the Canucks play tonight, is the site of his worst prank ever: a two-handed baseball swing to the mask of Florida goaltender Tomas Vokoun.

Obviously, bludgeoning your goaltender in the ear is a pretty ill-conceived prank, and Ballard's had a hard time living it down since he came to Vancouver. Recall this bit of ribbing from earlier in the year:

On the wall in the visitors room there often is taped a sheet for players to sign up for tickets for friends or family in the road city. Among the handful of requests for tickets to tonight's game, someone wrote K. Ballard in the 'donor' column and T. Vokoun under 'recipient.'

With that in mind, it was a no-brainer that a return to the scene of the crime would mean an uptick in jokes at his expense. His teammates have been giving it to him all day, pretending to break their sticks on the goal post in warmup, and providing awesome quotes like this one, courtesy Roberto Luongo (via Brad Zeimer):

"I try not to make eye contact with him at all," Luongo said. "He might snap at any second. Hopefully, he won't be on the ice when we get scored on."

It's pretty clear that everybody knows Keith Ballard is the sort of guy who can take a joke. Yesterday, Kevin Bieksa described Christian Ehrhoff as serious, focused, and "basically the opposite of Keith Ballard." In other words, Ballard's got a pretty solid sense of humour. Not since Marc Bergevin have the Canucks had a guy in the locker room so dedicated to keeping things light, and please keep that in mind the next time you rip the Ballard acquisition. He's an invaluable team guy who should really help the team come playoff time, when things get uncomfortably serious.

Keith Ballard brings the funny. If his impeccable comedic timing wasn't already apparent, consider this line, dryly delivered by Ballard when asked about the infamous baseball swing: "I'm fast so I would have got a double out of that."

If you think he's taking a pretty serious situation lightly, keep in mind that, when you prank as regularly and woefully as Keith Ballard does, you're going to have more than a few go a bit pear-shaped. You get used to it. Here, for example are ten more crummy Keith Ballard pranks you might not have known about:

1. Convinced hundreds of people to invest in Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC.
2. Told Matt Cooke, "Seriously, Colin Campbell has a crush on you. You need to give him a reason to call you."
3. Convinced a roomful of producers that people were clamouring for another Sex and the City movie.
4. Planted an undersized leather glove at the home of OJ Simpson so that Simpson would think he was becoming a giant.
5. Put peanut butter on the roof of Darren Pang's mouth just prior to a TSN panel segment on PK Subban.
6. Launched season-long scheme to trick Alain Vigneault into thinking Aaron Rome was a top-four defenseman.
7. Broke massive NHL head office e-mail controversy under his online pseudonym, Tyler Dellow.
8. Wrote a song called Friday. Mailed it to Ark Music Factory from Sarah McLachlan's house.
9. Told everyone his contract includes a no-trade clause.
10. Gave a glowing recommendation for John McLean as the next New Jersey coach from the office of his completely fictional hockey team, the Lowell Devils.

There was also this one time he tried to release joker venom gas on Gotham Square at midnight, but he was thwarted by Batman, so it never happened. Yes, Keith "Why So Serious" Ballard is a pretty awful prankster.

The Dreaded Two-Goal Lead: Rick Rypien Has a Beard Now

"I've never been more excited about hockey, now that I have this beard."

Canucks news comes fast and furious, and sometimes we find ourselves playing catchup. Thankfully, the Dreaded Two Goal Lead--often called "the worst lead in hockey"--is super easy to come back from. Everybody knows it's a guaranteed death sentence for those that hold it. Well, much like an ice hockey team coming from two goals down, PITB will now effortlessly catch up.

• Rick Rypien Returns From Personal Leave of Absence With a Beard

Rick Rypien has resurfaced after a lengthy leave of absence, and he appears to have received some counseling from Conan O'Brien. How else to explain his wicked new beard? If there's one lesson that Conan's taught us, it's that the best way to return is with a big patch of scruff. Last Tuesday, Rypien spoke to the media for the first time in months, saying he's "never been more excited about hockey." The Canucks announced that Ryp has joined the Moose on a conditioning assignment and may be granted special permission, under the circumstances, to stay in the AHL longer than the usual two weeks. Unless he really impresses, expect him to remain in Winnipeg for the rest of the season. For fans outside of Manitoba, you can probably follow Rypien's every shift at hockeyfights.com.

• Daniel Sedin Finally Gets an Acknowledgement His Brother Doesn't, Still Manages to Come in Second
  

Wherein the universe continues its conspiracy to make Daniel Sedin the evil twin. After surging to the top of the NHL scoring race with 3 goals and 5 assists in the past week to put him at 89 points on the season (six clear of his brother, with whom he has a longstanding blood feud), Daniel Sedin was named NHL.com's second star of the week. Poor Daniel can't get a clean win. They may as well have dumped a bucket of chicken blood on his head. Expect either an Art Ross or a fullscale psychic meltdown for Daniel by the season's end.

• Tanner Glass Has a Secret Injury

Tanner Glass sat out the Calgary game with a mysterious injury, and will miss tonight's as well. Apparently, he's been playing through this injury for awhile. Is it a wrist injury? My handshake is pretty strong. Likely not, but we've got no choice but to speculate, especially after all the Canucks recently entered a Glass cone of silence. (Note: this is a metaphorical cone of silence regarding Glass, not a literal cone made of Glass.) Jason Botchford reported that, when asked about it, Jeff Tambellini pointed to his lower abdomen. What the crap? There may be a conspiracy of vagueness in the locker room, but don't just blame the players; the media is an accomplice here. Seriously, Botch, where on his lower abdomen did Tamby point? Does that qualify as an obscene gesture?

• Kevin Bieksa is On the Mend
  

Dan Murphy recently tweeted that Kevin Bieksa, out for three weeks with a broken foot, skated with the team today and could play as early as Wednesday. Then the real controversy will start. Who comes out? Rome or Tanev? Ha ha, just kidding, it'll be Keith Ballard.

• Keith Ballard Pranks His Pants By Neglecting to Hem Them

Poor Keith Ballard is having a rough season. He can't even dress himself properly. According to Christine, who runs the blog Play Me That Ballard, the Canucks' resident prankster has apparently been pranking his wardrobe all season long. Christine recently noticed that Hips has a tendency to disregard legs, rolling up his pantlegs like a nine-year-old. Considering that Ballard's sizable contract has been a topic du jour all season, you'd think he'd have the pocket change to pay a tailor. But maybe he can't reach his pockets because of how poorly tailored his pants are to begin with? Or maybe he's just bad at dressing himself. The Canucks had meal plans made up for Kyle Wellwood, so I'm sure they can find someone to lay out Ballard's clothes for the next day.

• Chris Higgins Was On After Hours

And, in case you missed it, here's Chris Higgins on After Hours, featuring a gratuitous closeup of his mangled thumb, if you're into that sort of thing. I'll bet the Canucks are. After the Canucks started the season with a fourth-liner guy that treated his thumb with callous disregard, Chris Higgins healthy respect for a healthy thumb is likely a welcome change. Here's the whole video:

I Find This Quote Odd: Yann Sauve Edition

Yann Sauve calls his parents in the middle of the night to alarm them for his own amusement.

Here's Yann Sauve, discussing the circumstances surrounding his callup with Jim Jamieson over at the White Towel:

“My mom didn't believe it,” said Sauve. “She thought I was kidding because I always do this, but they were really happy even though they were half asleep.”

Wait, what? He says, "I always do this," he says. Now, it's possible that "this" is kidding around, but I think maybe "this" is calling his parents in the middle of the night to tell them elaborate and shocking lies. Does Yann Sauve wake and terrify them for his own amusement? Yes, I believe he does. It's his favourite prank. Here are a few of Sauve classics:

• Mom, Dad, wake up, I'm on fire!
  
• Mom, Dad, wake up, I'm trapped on a speeding bus that can't go below 55 miles per hour!
  
• Mom, Dad, wake up, I'm being held hostage by Kubrickian dogs!
  
• Mom, Dad, wake up, I've been elected premier!
• Mom, Dad, wake up, I've declared martial law!
• Mom, Dad, wake up! I've been hit by a car!
  

Anyway, he clearly sucks at pranking, so he should help fill the void left by Keith Ballard.

The Canucks Need More Creative Pranks

Look at the photo above. That's Keith Ballard. In a hockey bag. In a trash can. The photo is so embarrassing that he asked Derek Jory to do a story on it so he wouldn't look so bad. Guess what? Turns out, having the facts makes it worse.

I'd like you to join with me in imagining something. Close your eyes. Well, don't, 'cause you can't read that way, but imagine just the same. Imagine you're in a big blue bag, waiting to say boo and scare someone when they open it. Imagine how funny it'll be. You hear footsteps. Is that your target? You hear a voice. Who's in there? You have been swiftly busted. Then you feel the bag being pushed onto the floor and you're being kicked repeatedly. Grasping for the zipper, you have a hard time getting to it, as your intended target is beating on you. I want you to roll that Fail around in your mind.

Keith Ballard really needs to step it up in the pranks department.

Workplace pranks are entertaining, but really, hiding in something? There are about a million ways for such a prank to go wrong, not to mention there's very little payoff. Best-case scenario: Bieksa--the target--jumps a bit when he opens the bag. Worst-case scenario: you're gift-wrapping yourself, defenseless and unable to see, for the person you're trying to play a prank on. Even after being instructed of this concern by Kesler and Burrows (hence Ballard's trip to the trash can in the photo that started all this) Ballard still went along with the prank.

Worst of all? He couldn't fit into Bieksa's hockey bag, so he used a goalie bag and put Bieksa's number on it. How fooled was Bieksa?

“He crawled into my hockey bag there and thought for whatever reason I wouldn’t notice my bag being three times the size it usually is,” smiled Bieksa.

“I come over and looked at it and I see that obviously it’s huge, so I start kicking him and then I tried to pick him up and throw him in the garbage can, but he’s a hefty boy so it was hard.”

Good job, Ballard.

Ballard, let me take a moment to speak to you directly. I'm not here just to criticize. I know you're willing to go pretty far for your pranks, and that's endearing and valuable in a locker room. You just need a little help figuring out what to do. So here are a few ideas.

• Offer Tanner Glass a Scrabble board "to help him prepare." Change the values of the letters, and add an extra blank tile.

• Change Alex Burrows's doorbell so that, instead of making a ringing sound, it says "that's a sleeewfoot."

• Start leaving cards around the locker room for Bieksa, Raymond, and especially Luongo, that say "I hate you because you're Canadian. Hugs and Kisses, Ryan Kesler. P.S. Present this card at anywhere FIRSTAR gear is sold for a 15% discount off RK17 apparel."

• Switch the nameplates at the Sedin twins' lockers. Accuse Daniel of impersonating Henrik to get a taste of the glory of being the most decorated Canuck of all-time.

• Offer to get Luongo a gatorade from the fridge, by saying "I'm going to get you... a gatorade from the fridge." Then advise him that he should keep playing well... for everyone's sake.

• Organize a team effort where you all take turns sitting in Henrik's seat on the plane.

• Distribute Bieksa masks in an effort to remind everyone that We Are All Bieksa. Get as many people as possible to answer whenever someone says "Bieksa."

• Make a fake twitter account for Mason Raymond and keep challenging @BizNasty2point0 to a fight.

• Put paintings of Raffi Torres on the walls of teammates' hotel rooms. Claim the eyes seem to follow you. Shriek whenever you see Raffi in person.

• Have a bunch of elementary school Canucks fans make Cory Schneider a really big card that says, "To our favorite goalie." Talk about it a lot in the dressing room.

• Pie Aaron Rome in the face during the superskills. When he says he's not a rookie, look surprised and say, "that's the first I've heard of it."

Pranks are fun. They make for good television -- they've been keeping The Office afloat ever since they were foolish enough to let Jim and Pam get married. They also make for great stories, even the dumb ones that don't go right. For this reason, I'd never ask Keith Ballard to stop.

But I will ask him to step it up a bit.