I Watched This Game: Canucks at Ducks, March 6, 2011

Canucks 3 - 0 Ducks

After the highly contentious atmosphere in the Staples Center last night, the Honda Center was downright pleasant. It's not just that the Anaheim fans are generally more congenial (one woman gave us free hot dogs), but the building itself is a little nicer, a little more organic. Whereas the Staples Center is cold, metallic, and looming, provoking aggression and ill will, the pastel paint job and burnt sienna seating of the Honda Center provoke congeniality, oneness with humanity and spiritual contentment. The Ducks fans were downright nice, although it might have been that they were defeated from the outset. They were outnumbered by Canuck fans from the moment the doors opened, and their teams found themselves trailing less than a minute in, after Manny Malhotra scored on Vancouver's first shot. It was difficult for the Anaheim fans to muster much enthusiasm, especially since their attempts were quickly drowned out by the excitable Canucks contingent, like whom and with whom, [we] watched this game.

• Cory Schneider recorded his first NHL shutout tonight, getting his body in front of all 26 shots as though he didn't want to let in any goals. It was weird. He didn't have to be overly acrobatic in these saves, but Schneider never is. He's positionally sound, like a shooter tutor, but without all the holes. According to Sportsnet, he also scored all three Canucks goals, recording his first career hat trick (take that, Luongo!) Like Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, he played every role tonight. Unlike Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, it was a treat to watch him.

• It was less of a treat to watch Dan Ellis, who had many problems tonight. One of which was the first shot of the game, later extrapolated into the first shot of periods. Only in the third did he manage to stave off this problem, pushing it to the second shot. Ellis wasn't good tonight, but it may not have been his fault. It may not have been Ellis. The in-arena announcer introduced him as Dan Sexton. Was it Sexton? If so, that might explain why he sucked at playing goal.

• It's a shame Ellis wasn't on top of his game, as he only had to face 16 Canuck shots. Ryan Getzlaf, alone, had 11. The Canucks, as a whole, barely outshot Ryan Getzlaf. But don't rush to claim Vancouver was outplayed. After scoring so quickly in the first and second periods, they clearly saw no need to push the play.

• The 1/2 Pound Hot Dog sold at the Honda Center is obscenely large. It's almost as obscene, porkwise, as Antiochus Epiphanes' decision to sacrifice a pig on the altar of the temple in Jerusalem. Way uncool, Antiochus. Totally not rad.

• You might think we at PITB could run out of ways and reasons to praise Jannik "Baby Dragon" Hansen, but he continues to find new ways to amaze. On Saturday, he was the game-winning goal scorer, but tonight, he temporarily transformed into a playmaking wunderkind akin to Bertolt Brecht. Seriously, he was so Brechtian he broke the fourth wall. And on the second goal, it was impossible to miss his use of Verfremdungseffekt.

• Maybe the proximity to Hollywood Boulevard has inspired the third line to become star producers. They're the Weinsteins of the Canucks right now, and it shouldn't surprise. When this line originally broke out back in early November, it was during a mild scoring slump for the rest of the team. Unsurprisingly, they've again become the most consistent scorers during a dry spell for their more offensively inclined compatriots. This has been a longer spell, but it's merely meant a longer string of great play from Malhotra, Torres and Hansen. They've got 10 goals in their last eleven games, and they're doing it a number of different ways. Tonight, they scored one goal on the rush, and one goal on the forecheck.

• Meanwhile, Mason Raymond can't catch a break, save the literal way. You'll recall, back in December, when he scored a hat trick against Calgary and appeared to be finding his game, only to suffer a broken thumb and miss a month. Now, as he appeared to be re-finding his game, he injured his shoulder in an open-ice collision with a Duck player. He went straight to the dressing room, returning to test the shoulder for one shift, but then it was back to the dressing room. Word is he'll be re-evaluated Monday. Here's hoping the doctors declare him awesome and give him a sucker and a balloon.

• Rumour has it Keith Ballard has been playing injured, which might explain why Aaron Rome has been getting more icetime than him despite being objectively Aaron Rome. That said, Rome had more icetime tonight than every Canuck but Dan Hamhuis. Maybe everyone has groin injuries? It was probably the trip to Knott's Berry Farm. That roller coaster really jerks you around. Granted, Rome wasn't terrible tonight, but he also wasn't Christian Ehrhoff or Sami Salo. In short: like the Jews might have said two thousand years ago, I'm a little tired of Rome.

• The Ducks were really after Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis tonight. They may have been upset that his overt community work was upstaging CHOC night. He came out for the warmup skate with a fanny pack full of epi pens.

• I suspect the Ducks were actually trying to provoke Tanner Glass into a scrap, especially once he rebuffed George Parros' attempt to start one after the Canucks went up by two. We've seen, in the past, that when one team wants to fight and the other doesn't, the best method to force their hand is headhunting their top guys. Seeing as Hamhuis was almost always on the ice (23:55) and had just recently returned from a concussion (sustained against this very team), he was a provocative target. Anaheim charged him often, but thankfully, the Canucks stayed zen and, like Ferdinand the Bull, refused to fight.

• Speaking of Parros and Glass, it was interesting to see the two scrappers chat together before the game. We imagine the conversation went something like this: Hey, how are you? Pretty good. Want to fight later? Maybe. Isn't it great being an Ivy leaguer? Yeah, totally. Well, see you later.

• After a string of 16 unsuccessful man advantages, Daniel Sedin finally broke the slump by scoring a power play goal. How did he do it? Well, he turned Andreas Lilja into a Sedin and executed a perfect slap pass. I always suspected the Sedins were pod people.

• In an ironic twist, Maxim Lapierre was the featured player in the Anaheim Ducks' digest for this game. As an Anaheim Duck. Yikes. They should update their content.

• After the game, we met Matt and Savanna, a couple of local Bulies who had taken in the game. It was neat. As we walked to our car, they spotted Harrison's Tanner Glass shirt and shouted "Pass it to Bulis!" What followed was about a half hour of kindly chatting. They are solid people, which is more than I can say for the people of Futurama's planet Trisol. They are made of water.

• And finally, tonight marked our first meeting with mysterious third contributor Qris Johnson. He was a quality dude. He'll be taking over the next two IWTGs as we make the long trek from LA to Phoenix, then from Phoenix to San Jose. Be nice to him.

Tanner Glass Won the Trade Deadline

Every year, the pundits analyze the winners and losers of the NHL trade deadline, reflecting on the moves made and pointing to organizations that got stronger or weaker, as a result. This convention is valuable, to an extent, but it ignores the smaller effects these trades have on individual dressing rooms. Here in Vancouver, for example, we had a brief look at the impact Maxim Lapierre won't have as a member of the Vancouver Canucks, but the impact he will have remains to be examined. Even within the locker room, these small moves have created winners and losers.

But who, exactly, are they? We ask you (rhetorically, as we already have an answer ready), who's the winner?

Tanner Glass.

Glass deserves a win too (especially after his recent public defeat at the hands of a blogger who will remain nameless... and sexy). All year long, Glass has been the only regular on the 4th line, a line that's shuffled young, inexperienced players in and out, with a focus on development. Its been good for the prospects, but the lack of consistent linemates has foisted leadership and defensive responsibilities onto Glass that, while welcome, have mitigated his individual game and his icetime.

Sure, he continues to get penalty kill time, but when your coach doesn't really trust your linemates in tight game situations, you're not jumping the boards too often at even-strength unless it's a blowout. Glass recently admitted playing with the inexperienced Cody Hodgson could be nerve-wracking, and you have to think that, if he felt this way, coach Vigneault felt similarly. As a result, the 4th line saw sheltered and sparing minutes during Hodgson's brief stint with the big club.

Things changed at the deadline, however, when Gillis went out and, effectively, bought Glass a complete line. The acquisitions of Chris Higgins and Maxim Lapierre give Glass two NHL-calibre players to play with. They push the Canucks to 12 deep at the forward spot, and allow them the option to roll four lines. That should mean more minutes for Glass and less time covering for inexperienced linemates.

The evidence is already showing. In Lapierre's second game with the Canucks, Glass skated for over ten minutes, nearly double what he got during Cody Hodgson's three-game pre-deadline stint.

Glass would never say it, but I suspect he's pumped.

Plus, if Lapierre's as big a douche as some say he is, Glass is going to have to fight for him. Said Glass, "Hopefully, he chirps a bunch and I can get in more fights." More fights with humans? This can only be a plus. I have to imagine recreational bare-knuckle bear boxing is probably not a Canuck-approved activity.

I Find This Photo Awesome: Tanner Glass Signing A Scrabble Board

Here's your New Year Eve's dose of awesomeness. Look closely at this photo and you'll see that Canucks fan Elson (@awesomeguyelson) brought a Scrabble board--cleverly done up like the Tanner Glass: Scrabble Champ t-shirt--to a Tanner Glass signing appearance. Needless to say, I find this photo awesome.

Tanner Glass is such a cool guy. He's been such a great sport about all this, and seems as genuinely shocked by the attention and interest as we are. I don't know how many Tanner Glass jerseys sell at the Canucks team store, but I can confidently say I'll be buying one someday soon.

Tanner Glass: Scrabble Champ t-shirts will be on sale early in the new year with all proceeds going to Canucks Place Children's Hospice.

Thanks to our pal Katie Maximick (@canucksgirl44) for the tip.

Tanner Glass Has a Very Scrabbly Christmas

The latest blog post from Tanner Glass went up today on Canucks.com. In it he talks Christmas, roadtrips, weddings, and Dartmouth. But since we at Pass it to Bulis are incredibly self-interested, this was my favorite part:

We also snuck in a few games of scrabble thanks to my sister who got me the board game. Scrabble seemed to be the theme in my presents as Emily also bought me the book, “How to Play Scrabble Like a Champion.” I’m taking that as a hint that my family doesn’t want me to embarrass myself in the challenge I have coming up.

Tanner's sister, of course, is one of the main reasons this Scrabble challenge is happening as she got in touch with us and helped convince Tanner to accept. It's awesome how his family has gotten involved and I suspect he's been the target of plenty of good-natured jokes about the whole situation. Personally, I have to admit to being a little worried. While Harrison is a dedicated Scrabble-junkie, I am merely okay at the game. Don't get me wrong, I've beaten Harrison before...once. And now Tanner is in training. I think I'm in trouble.

I may need to go with Plan B: sell my services to the highest bidder. For a fee, I am willing to strategically open up triple-word scores or shutdown the board to prevent either Harrison or Tanner from netting big points. While it may seem that Harrison has an advantage by being my best friend, I'm pretty sure Tanner has a bigger yearly salary and could pretty easily outbid him.

Also, Tanner revealed that he and his family played some "intense games of catch phrase" over the two-day holiday break. He better be careful about mentioning board games before Nucks Misconduct or Canucks Hockey Blog starts a #CatchPhraseMeTanner hashtag on Twitter.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Maple Leafs, December 18, 2010

Canucks 4 - 1 Leafs

Leading up to this game, the 4pm start time was a bone of contention among Canucks fans. Ever afraid of The Eastern Bias, an elusive swamp monster (pictured) that feeds on national inequality, many claimed the afternoon puck drop gave the Maple Leafs an unfair advantage. But thankfully, the Canucks reasserted their own advantage: having better players. I'd rather that.

It's always a chippy game when the Leafs come to town, perhaps because Burke's boys are armed with truculence in place of hockey ability. Unfortunately, the Canucks played down to the Maple Leafs at times, and the game stayed closer a little longer than it should have. But, when the final whistle blew, all was right with the world, as Vancouver skated away with yet another decisive victory the hapless Leafs. And I watched this game:

• Lost in a very physical contest was the fact that it didn't have a single fight, and very little in the way of post-whistle pugilism. In fact, despite all the slashing and chirping during play, it never even looked like the rough stuff was on the horizon. Considering that Aaron Volpatti was in the lineup (and you know he was looking to make an impression), I'm going to go out on a limb and surmise the team asked him and everyone else not to drop the gloves. Why? The Canucks had no reason to fight; most of the night, they played with the momentum. The Leafs are a team built on toughness and they were playing in front of an away crowd littered with supporters. A fight would have given them life. Instead, the Canucks saw that their opponents were playing frustrated (Kris Versteeg, especially), and instead of supplying an outlet for that frustration, they simply let the Leafs come apart. If someone ever complains the Canucks don't fight enough, point to this game as an example of why they might refrain.

• Speaking of Aaron Volpatti and Toronto fans, I found it a little classless for the jackanape sitting next to his parents to be shouting "Go Leafs Go" while Elliotte Friedman tried to interview his proud parents, down from Revelstoke to attend their son's first ever NHL game. But, for a fanbase known for booing the home team, I guess I shouldn't be surprised by new evidence that they're dumber than the saliva on a postage stamp.

• Am I the only one who thinks that Colby Armstrong looks like a young Monty Burns? What a beak on that guy. Shades of Cyril Sneer.

• On the empty-net goal: I recognize that Alain Vigneault put Henrik out for the last shift as faceoff insurance, what with Kesler taking the shift before, but part of me wonders if his experience as a parent coloured his decision. Daniel had already gotten a point--Henrik hadn't, and it's important to have equality between siblings. The last thing you want is Daniel teasing Henrik on the plane. I find it adorable that Henrik wanted to pass this puck and the Maple Leafs forced him to score. If you wonder why Toronto's fans are so grumpy all the time, it's because these are their minor victories.

• Big props to the Green Men for their props, the waffle-throwing especially. It was a thrilling return to form for them after some concerns that their time in the very lime limelight was nearly over. That said, I have to wonder what happens when these guys go through security. You could see them finding their seats early in the telecast, carrying a backpack. Now I'm not allowed to keep the lid from my water bottle, but the masked vigilantes can carry a sack full of projectiles? I have questions.

• If we were ever unclear what makes Christian Ehrhoff invaluable to this team, his return to the lineup tonight was a pretty indicative of his regular contributions. In twenty minutes of icetime, Ehrhoff scored the crucial insurance goal, added a threat to the powerplay, (although it still went 0-for-5), and directed 10 shots on goal. He's got this hockey thing down cold.
  

• You've gotta feel for Luke Schenn on the second goal (above). First, Jeff Tambellini gets around him. Then, he overplays Tambellini and uselessly puts himself behind the trapezoid for when the puck hits Kesler, the trailer. You could hear him calling for the puck before he even came into the frame. At this point, Francois Beauchemin's been hung out to dry. He knows Kesler's a shooter, so he leaves his man (Hansen) and goes down to block the shot. Kesler steps around him and finds Hansen instead. It's a brilliant bit of playmaking from a guy who might have earned the label "superstar veteran," but ladies and gentlemen: Luke Schenn is your goat.

• We watched last night's game with a Maple Leafs fan. He began the night hurling expletives at John Mitchell. By the evening's end, he had cried himself to sleep.
  

• While I agree our star pests have indeed matured somewhat, I like that Alex Burrows, like the OMG Cat, remains incapable of keeping his mouth shut. He's the Joe Biden of the Canucks--prone to nonsense, but always smiling. I hope he never changes. I also like the way he crashes a crease.

• Some other guys who played well: Tanner Glass and Jannik Hansen, who have become fantastic defensive players. Hansen is most definitely the team's best forechecker, and Glass has become an expert shot-blocker and penalty-killer. For obvious reasons, I think my next purchase will be a Tanner Glass jersey. Kevin Bieksa also had another great night, finishing with two assists, a game-high plus-3 rating, and third star honours. Secret shame: I've come around completely. I like Kevin Bieksa.
  

• And finally: In Edmonton, Roberto Luongo was robbed of a much-deserved shutout because the guys in front of him quit playing ten seconds early. Last night, the goal that broke the goose egg was his fault. When shots come up at him, Luongo can get a little overeager, and when he does, he gets stabby, like Norman Bates or Patrick Bateman. He stabs at the puck when he doesn't need to. The Blackhawks have exploited this flaw in the past, putting shots glove side and then attacking the crease if Luongo knocks it down instead of making a clean catch. Against Grabovski, he should have been able to catch the puck, but an impatient jab puts his glove out of position and it finds a way past him. Like a stray dog, this is something that needs to be caught and fixed.

The Tanner Glass Scrabble Challenge Lands on HNIC

In case you missed it, here's the Subway Bio from tonight's Hockey Night in Canada telecast, which focused on Tanner Glass and PITB's Scrabble challenge. Very cool.

If you're still in the dark about this whole thing, here's the summary: we issued an open challenge to play a game of Scrabble with Tanner Glass. One of our readers (the unsinkable Annie May) made a t-shirt. Glass saw the t-shirt; he accepted the challenge. Now it's news--big news at that. The way this story continues to spread baffles us each time we think about it.

Many, many thanks to the invaluable CanucksHD for providing us with this clip. You sir, are 1000 shades of grand.

Other Board Games With Canucks

For this morning's poll question on the Team 1040, Scotty and the Moj drew from the Tanner Glass Scrabble challenge and its subsequent media coverage, asking Canuck fans what board game you would like to play with a Canuck. I figure, since I'm the progenitor of this line of questioning (and of course, my answer is always Scrabble), I figured I'd weigh in.

Some people have pointed out that Sami Salo would be an appropriate opponent for a game of Operation. Probably. He'd likely be a natural, especially with his extensive experience in strange medical anomalies. He might even sympathize with the guy with a buzzer for a nose: they're probably the only two people alive who could find a way to choke on a whole apple. And as a bonus, you'd probably win when Salo shatters his tibia trying to extract the water pail from the little guy's knee.

But I'd be more interested in playing Kerplunk with Keith Ballard. Why? It's a guaranteed win for me. Kerplunk is a game of picking up sticks--sticks which require a delicate and measured touch. History indicates Ballard does not know how to handle sticks this way.

Here are a few other possibilities:

• Mikael Samuelsson's inability to censor himself would make him a pretty easy opponent in Taboo. But it would be awfully easy to get him to say Sweden. You: They can go eff themselves.

• The perfectly unnoticeable Aaron Rome would do well in games that obscure people, such as Stratego or Guess Who.
  

• Alex Burrows must be an expert at Mad Gab. I don't think he realizes it, but he's always playing it. But he'd be terrible at Password. You couldn't figure out the basic word he was saying, let alone the one he was trying to imply.

• I wouldn't play the Sedins in Password, though. Or Pictionary. Or Charades. Or Cranium. Or any other team game in which telepathy is an unfair advantage.

• Mason Raymond would rock you in Dutch Blitz.

• Mike Gillis's machiavellian tendencies would make him an expert for Risk. I heard he once played with Kevin Lowe. Word is Gillis verbally agreed not to attack Brazil from East Africa. But then he did.

The Tanner Glass Scrabble Challenge Goes Mainstream

Up until today, you might have been forgiven for not knowing that Tanner Glass had agreed to play Scrabble with PITB. The challenge had made its way around the Twitterverse and the Blogosphere, but it hadn't yet escaped to a larger audience. If you weren't online, you probably wouldn't have known. But now, the mainstream media's got the story. Now it's news. It's true. Yesterday, both Jason Botchford of The Province and Ian Walker of the Vancouver Sun offered up stories on the Tanner Glass Scrabble challenge. Let us examine them together:

• Tanner Glass Taking Scrabble Challenge Seriously -- Jason Botchford, The Province

Botchford was the first to weigh in. In his piece, he recaps what has happened so far, then delivers this delightful bit of reconnaissance: Glass isn't that experienced. So he's doing what any good Dartmouth alum might do--he's studying:

Now, Glass doesn't like to lose much and herein lies the rub. While Mooney has been playing regularly for five years, Glass had only played about 15 times before this year when he started what he calls a heated word rivalry with Aaron Rome, on the road.

"I played very little before this year," Glass said. "I played a bit in Rochester with this kid Pete Aston, he was good, and his girlfriend, they were both really good. Never played (as a kid). I'm no Scrabble whiz by any means."

What does he do about it?

"I've been researching a lot," he said. "Words that are seven letters or less."

I think the big scoop here is that I overestimated Glass's Scrabbling experience, but don't think that means I'll be taking him lightly. According to Botchford, he still hates to lose, and that's gotta count for something. Plus, he's a fourth-line winger: if he can't finesse me, he might wear me down with physical play. I should wear shin pads in case he tries to kick me under the table.

Anyway, for chuckles, I recommend checking out the unique comments on Botchford's article. They're all over the place. Some are supportive of me ("Mooney will crush him... He is so smart it's not even funny"); some are skeptical of me and supportive of Glass ("quite frankly, how smart can a guy be who blogs about a sports team? GO GLASS"); some are hilariously spiteful ("kudos to glass for not backing down to these clowns"); and some are just hilarious ("Tanner should call that bookworm Kyle Wellwood to get all smart and stuff").

The instances of vitriol surprised me. I'm interested in the allegiance some Canucks fans have to their players--an allegiance that makes them view any challenger, even one as innocuous as a Scrabble opponent--as pure evil. Thanks to this sociological trend, some people have decided I'm some sort of monomaniacal nerd in need of a good smackdown.

• Canucks' Tanner Glass Willing to Take on Scrabble Babble -- Ian Walker, Vancouver Sun

Ian Walker (who is very cool) didn't help to dispel it either. Walker's article treads similar ground to Botchford, bringing the reader up to speed, and explaining Glass's limited experience as a Scrabbler, but it's a very different article, especially because Walker interviewed me. He also closes one major mystery: up until now, I was uncertain who it was that finally convinced Glass to play us. It turns out it was his sister, with whom we connected through Twitter not too long ago:

One thing led to another and … Glass's sister soon got involved.

“She saw it on Twitter and I guess the Pass it to Bulis guys and her got to talking online so she called me up asking if I was interested,” said the affable Glass, 27. “It's amazing in this day and age. You can't say anything without someone getting wind of it. It really is the world wide web.”

Let's just establish upfront that Glass's super-nice sister found us, we didn't go looking for her. PITB would never invade a player's personal life like that.

Anyhow, Walker's article goes a little more in-depth into who PITB is, and also delivers the half-truth that I play a game of online Scrabble every day. Only on average. I play online a couple times of week, but when I do play, it's usually four or five speed games in a row. I still play much, much more than Glass, and it will probably be apparent. Walker:

Glass, on the other hand, can count on his fingers and toes how many times he's played the game before this season — and then he would still have digits left over to wiggle his little piggies and scratch his nose.

“He doesn't have a chance,” boasted Mooney, who is one major paper away from receiving a Masters in English. “I lose friends because I'm so good. I may not be a stickler for rules — he can use the three-letter variety — but I'm going to crush him.”

This is funny stuff. While I admit these are real quotes, I was chuckling as I said them. Unfortunately, they do nothing to dispel the notion that I'm some sort of monomaniacal nerd--the black Artie Ziff.

One other thing to add here: the quote about the three-letter words is a bit off. What I meant was that I probably won't be a jerk and play an overly technical game, full of three-letter words I know are legal but could never hope to define (like CWM, or RHO). That would be dickish.

That said, here's a quick tip for people trying to expand their word list, like Tanner. Most bingos (words that use all the tiles in your rack) also include one tile already on the board, so they're actually eight-letter words. You could never know all the words in the English language that are eight letters or less. Instead, just memorize all the words you can spell with the letters in LATRINE and one additional letter. These letters are the most common seven in the game.

Better yet, forget about the big words, and memorize the much shorter list of legal two and three-letter words. The more consistent points are in small, rare words. For example: RAT is worth three points on its own. CWM, on the other hand, is worth 10. When you play serious Scrabblers, they beat you with little words, not big ones. In that respect, they play a bit like the Montreal Canadiens.

Anyhow. Thanks to Jason Botchford and Ian Walker for taking an interest in our Scrabble game, and thanks again to everyone who's helped turn this from a little thing to a big thing. We'll keep you posted.

I Find This Video Odd: Post-Game Pantsing

This is the video of the surprisingly subdued celebration following the Canuck's 7-2 drubbing of the befuddled Flames. There's no awesome dancing, wacky hijinks, or overt goofiness. Just a bunch of professional hockey players behaving in a pleased, yet professional manner: removing equipment, chatting cheerily, and smiling pleasantly.

Except for at the 10 second mark, where Ryan Kesler appears to attempt to pants Tanner Glass like they were in a middle-school hallway, with Kesler playing the role of the jerkish jock with a need to be the center of attention and Glass the poor defenseless nerd desperately trying to keep hold of his stack of books without having his undergarments displayed to the girl he's had a massive crush on from afar all school year. That seems like a mistake. Even though Tanner Glass plays scrabble, reads dystopian fiction, and graduated from Dartmouth with a degree in History, all hallmarks of nerdity, he is a far cry from the platonic form of nerd. I have a sneaking suspicion that Kesler realized that Glass could probably beat him up, and stopped short of completing his pantsing motion, instead passing it off as a good-natured joke, akin to the friendly athletic butt-tap he gives Mason Raymond later on.

So I suppose there were a few jinks to be had post-game, though their height was middling at best, around the height of Muggsy Bogues as opposed to Manute Bol. I demand that my Canucks post-game jinks be higher!

The Endless Cycle of Enforcement

I don't understand why Darcy Hordichuk's place in the #Canucks lineup is even in question. Who else is going to show up to do what he does?

~ @rcamcole

Who is going to do what Darcy Hordichuk does?

The first question to ask is what does Darcy Hordichuk do?

As I established in a post back in June, I like fighting in hockey. I firmly believe that fighting is necessary as a deterrent for cheap shots, to protect star players, and to pump up teammates and fans, but beyond all the logical and reasonable arguments for fighting, I simply enjoy it. Call it barbarism, but I enjoy seeing a good, old-fashioned hockey fight.

What I don't enjoy seeing is a player with limited ability costing my team points in the standings. I get annoyed when I see a player consistently get beaten in the defensive zone, mishandle a pass, or take a stupid penalty. As soon as such a player hits the ice, the fans collectively hold their breath, just waiting for him to make a mistake and hoping that he gets off the ice as soon as possible. The question arises: how does a person who so clearly cannot play professional hockey at the NHL level get a job playing professional hockey at the NHL level? Because this particular specimen is an "enforcer" and is paid not to play hockey, but to punch people on skates.

When Darcy Hordichuk was signed by the Canucks in 2008, I was initially pleased, as were a great many other Canucks fans. By all reports, Darcy Hordichuk is a wonderful person and a great teammate. Furthermore, the team had been without a legitimate heavyweight fighter for years, with Jeff Cowan attempting to fill that role in the previous season. Hordichuk was seen as a guy who could skate a regular shift on the 4th line, a reliable checker who could, at the very least, skate. Turns out, that wasn't exactly true. He has not been reliable; instead, he's been a liability. Sure, he'll throw a few hits, but they're hardly impactful. Otherwise, he doesn't do much of anything other than occasionally fight.

Which means, his only purpose is to fight. And the only people he fights are other enforcers. Which means his fights don't do what a hockey fight is meant to do.

An enforcer like Hordichuk doesn't fight an opposing team's cheap-shot artists. If Matt Cooke, for example, elbows an opponent or catches a player with his head down, he may be challenged to a fight, but no one expects him to fight a heavyweight like Derek Boogaard, Darcy Hordichuk, or George Parros. It would be considered ludicrous, akin to Zdeno Chara flipping Bryan McCabe around like a matador's cape. A player like Evander Kane, on the other hand, can take on Matt Cooke, because it's reasonable for him to do so. Evander Kane can play hockey and he can fight a cheap-shot artist.

An enforcer like Hordichuk doesn't protect a team's star players. Quite frankly, if Hordichuk is on the ice at the same time as the Sedins, something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. If someone does target the Sedins, Hordichuk may come off the bench the following shift, but he's not going to fight the offending player. Instead, he's going to fight the other team's designated fighter. That fighter isn't going to be the player who originally targeted the Sedins, because he can't play hockey either and if he was on the ice at the same time as the Sedins, they just scored a goal.

The only possible purpose, then, of the heavyweight enforcer is to pump up his teammates and the crowd. As I mentioned, I enjoy watching a hockey fight, but I get much more pumped-up watching the speedy fists of Rick Rypien or even the mullet-ness and willingness to take a punch of Tanner "No Third Line For" Glass than the flailing ineptitude of Darcy Hordichuk. Obviously I can't speak for his teammates, but I certainly don't get pumped up watching Darcy Hordichuk fight because I know it plays no role in the outcome of the game. Two team-appointed fighters squaring off holds no appeal to me because they are only members of their respective teams in the most technical of terms.

In many ways, the world of hockey enforcement is akin to the academic world of philosophy; it's insular and frequently serves no purpose to the world at large. In philosophy, it's just philosophers disagreeing with each other completely aside from the issues that actually matter to regular people and in hockey, it's heavyweights fighting with each other completely aside from the hockey that actually decides the result of a game. Darcy Hordichuk only slots into the lineup if there is a player on the opposing team that "needs" to be fought. If the opposing team has no such player, he sits in the press-box, pondering his knuckles. So what would happen if no other team in the NHL had such a player?

What would happen if every team in the NHL broke the cycle of enforcement and cut ties with their players who do nothing but chuck knuckles within the fraternity of fighters?

George Parros might need to actually use his degree from Princeton. Derek Boogaard would have to go back to teaching teenagers how to fight. Darcy Hordichuk could return to his modelling career. Raitis Ivanans would go back to whatever it is that Raitis Ivanans does. And the NHL would drastically cut down on the number of pointless fights.

Enforcers who can play?

Guy Boucher, the new coach for the Tampa Bay Lightning who is about as far-removed from old-school hockey thinking as is humanly possible, summed up his thoughts on enforcers in a recent article by Damian Cristodero:

The reality is you need an enforcer, in my book, if he can play the game. If he can’t play the game it just makes somebody unhappy not playing much. It also prevents some other guys who could bring a lot of stuff on the ice. I’m all for enforcers if they can hog a lot of minutes during the game, use them for penalty kill or against top lines. I don’t like guys sitting on the bench. I use everybody. I use all my four lines. I use all my defense. Everybody has got a role on the team. And when a guy has only that role I don't feel comfortable about it.

The role of the heavyweight enforcer who can't play hockey is, or perhaps should be, dead. It seems strange to say that when Derek Boogaard, the quintessential representative of this fraternity, can get signed by Glen Sather for $6.5 million over 4 years, but that's what happens when an NHL team employs a man married to the old-school vision of hockey. There's a reason the signing was scoffed at: Boogaard has scored a whopping 2 goals over his entire 5-year career. That's not the kind of production that normally nets a multi-year, big-money deal. Of course, Boogaard was not signed to play hockey, he was signed to fight.

But the Boogeyman has only fought 9 times in each of his last two seasons. In all 82 games the Wild played last season, Boogaard fought in 9 of them. He averaged the fewest minutes of any player on the Wild (other than 2-game wunderkind Danny Irmen) with 6:09 and only played in 57 games. That's pretty much the definition of a non-impact player. Boogaard will be paid $1.625 million a year to fight 9 times a year. That's it. He doesn't contribute anything else on the ice. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say he fights 10 times a year. That's still a whopping $162,500 per fight.

Still, Boogaard is regarded as one of the premier fighters in the NHL, a bona fide heavyweight enforcer. So why doesn't he fight more often? Because the only people willing to fight him are other bona fide heavyweight enforcers (and Darcy Hordichuk). No one else is willing to fight him because they know he could cave in their faces (literally) with one swing of his Thanksgiving-turkey-sized fists.

Sounds like a pretty intimidating guy, and he is, but he's not intimidating as a hockey player. He is only intimating as a fighter and if another player doesn't want to fight him, he doesn't have to. And, since he barely sees the ice during a game, he's not much of a threat to a team's star players, so there's no need for the opposition to ice their own enforcer to protect those players.

Boogaard is not an enforcer who can play and neither is Hordichuk. Unfortunately, it's entirely possible that Hordichuk will make the Canucks' opening night roster purely on the basis that he can fight the heavyweight goons and the assumption that it's necessary for him to do so. Why do the Canucks need Darcy Hordichuk? To fight Derek Boogaard, George Parros, and Brian McGrattan. Why do the Rangers need Derek Boogaard? To fight George Parros, Brian McGrattan, and Darcy Hordichuk. And so the cycle goes.

The Kurtenblog asked the question, "Do the Canucks need an enforcer?" It seems clear to me that the answer is no, that no team actually needs an enforcer cut from the Hordichuk/Boogaard/Parros cloth. An enforcer that can play, that contributes on the ice when he is not fighting? That is a player worth having. There is no point to having an enforcer who's only job is to fight the opposing team's enforcer. If this is all that he does, what is actually being enforced?

Who is going to do what Hordichuk does? Hopefully no one, because what Hordichuk does is not worth doing.