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Minggu, 06 Maret 2011

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Ducks, March 6, 2011

Canucks 3 - 0 Ducks


After the highly contentious atmosphere in the Staples Center last night, the Honda Center was downright pleasant. It's not just that the Anaheim fans are generally more congenial (one woman gave us free hot dogs), but the building itself is a little nicer, a little more organic. Whereas the Staples Center is cold, metallic, and looming, provoking aggression and ill will, the pastel paint job and burnt sienna seating of the Honda Center provoke congeniality, oneness with humanity and spiritual contentment. The Ducks fans were downright nice, although it might have been that they were defeated from the outset. They were outnumbered by Canuck fans from the moment the doors opened, and their teams found themselves trailing less than a minute in, after Manny Malhotra scored on Vancouver's first shot. It was difficult for the Anaheim fans to muster much enthusiasm, especially since their attempts were quickly drowned out by the excitable Canucks contingent, like whom and with whom, [we] watched this game.

  • Cory Schneider recorded his first NHL shutout tonight, getting his body in front of all 26 shots as though he didn't want to let in any goals. It was weird. He didn't have to be overly acrobatic in these saves, but Schneider never is. He's positionally sound, like a shooter tutor, but without all the holes. According to Sportsnet, he also scored all three Canucks goals, recording his first career hat trick (take that, Luongo!) Like Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, he played every role tonight. Unlike Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, it was a treat to watch him.
  • It was less of a treat to watch Dan Ellis, who had many problems tonight. One of which was the first shot of the game, later extrapolated into the first shot of periods. Only in the third did he manage to stave off this problem, pushing it to the second shot. Ellis wasn't good tonight, but it may not have been his fault. It may not have been Ellis. The in-arena announcer introduced him as Dan Sexton. Was it Sexton? If so, that might explain why he sucked at playing goal.
  • It's a shame Ellis wasn't on top of his game, as he only had to face 16 Canuck shots. Ryan Getzlaf, alone, had 11. The Canucks, as a whole, barely outshot Ryan Getzlaf. But don't rush to claim Vancouver was outplayed. After scoring so quickly in the first and second periods, they clearly saw no need to push the play.
  • The 1/2 Pound Hot Dog sold at the Honda Center is obscenely large. It's almost as obscene, porkwise, as Antiochus Epiphanes' decision to sacrifice a pig on the altar of the temple in Jerusalem. Way uncool, Antiochus. Totally not rad.
  • You might think we at PITB could run out of ways and reasons to praise Jannik "Baby Dragon" Hansen, but he continues to find new ways to amaze. On Saturday, he was the game-winning goal scorer, but tonight, he temporarily transformed into a playmaking wunderkind akin to Bertolt Brecht. Seriously, he was so Brechtian he broke the fourth wall. And on the second goal, it was impossible to miss his use of Verfremdungseffekt.
  • Maybe the proximity to Hollywood Boulevard has inspired the third line to become star producers. They're the Weinsteins of the Canucks right now, and it shouldn't surprise. When this line originally broke out back in early November, it was during a mild scoring slump for the rest of the team. Unsurprisingly, they've again become the most consistent scorers during a dry spell for their more offensively inclined compatriots. This has been a longer spell, but it's merely meant a longer string of great play from Malhotra, Torres and Hansen. They've got 10 goals in their last eleven games, and they're doing it a number of different ways. Tonight, they scored one goal on the rush, and one goal on the forecheck.
  • Meanwhile, Mason Raymond can't catch a break, save the literal way. You'll recall, back in December, when he scored a hat trick against Calgary and appeared to be finding his game, only to suffer a broken thumb and miss a month. Now, as he appeared to be re-finding his game, he injured his shoulder in an open-ice collision with a Duck player. He went straight to the dressing room, returning to test the shoulder for one shift, but then it was back to the dressing room. Word is he'll be re-evaluated Monday. Here's hoping the doctors declare him awesome and give him a sucker and a balloon.
  • Rumour has it Keith Ballard has been playing injured, which might explain why Aaron Rome has been getting more icetime than him despite being objectively Aaron Rome. That said, Rome had more icetime tonight than every Canuck but Dan Hamhuis. Maybe everyone has groin injuries? It was probably the trip to Knott's Berry Farm. That roller coaster really jerks you around. Granted, Rome wasn't terrible tonight, but he also wasn't Christian Ehrhoff or Sami Salo. In short: like the Jews might have said two thousand years ago, I'm a little tired of Rome.
  • The Ducks were really after Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis tonight. They may have been upset that his overt community work was upstaging CHOC night. He came out for the warmup skate with a fanny pack full of epi pens.
  • I suspect the Ducks were actually trying to provoke Tanner Glass into a scrap, especially once he rebuffed George Parros' attempt to start one after the Canucks went up by two. We've seen, in the past, that when one team wants to fight and the other doesn't, the best method to force their hand is headhunting their top guys. Seeing as Hamhuis was almost always on the ice (23:55) and had just recently returned from a concussion (sustained against this very team), he was a provocative target. Anaheim charged him often, but thankfully, the Canucks stayed zen and, like Ferdinand the Bull, refused to fight.
  • Speaking of Parros and Glass, it was interesting to see the two scrappers chat together before the game. We imagine the conversation went something like this: Hey, how are you? Pretty good. Want to fight later? Maybe. Isn't it great being an Ivy leaguer? Yeah, totally. Well, see you later.
  • After a string of 16 unsuccessful man advantages, Daniel Sedin finally broke the slump by scoring a power play goal. How did he do it? Well, he turned Andreas Lilja into a Sedin and executed a perfect slap pass. I always suspected the Sedins were pod people.
  • In an ironic twist, Maxim Lapierre was the featured player in the Anaheim Ducks' digest for this game. As an Anaheim Duck. Yikes. They should update their content.
  • After the game, we met Matt and Savanna, a couple of local Bulies who had taken in the game. It was neat. As we walked to our car, they spotted Harrison's Tanner Glass shirt and shouted "Pass it to Bulis!" What followed was about a half hour of kindly chatting. They are solid people, which is more than I can say for the people of Futurama's planet Trisol. They are made of water.
  • And finally, tonight marked our first meeting with mysterious third contributor Qris Johnson. He was a quality dude. He'll be taking over the next two IWTGs as we make the long trek from LA to Phoenix, then from Phoenix to San Jose. Be nice to him.

Jumat, 25 Februari 2011

Raffi Torres, Human Bowling Ball: Photoshop Gallery 2


Welcome once again to the Raffi Torres BallTor photoshop gallery. If you're new to this, I recommend starting either with the original photo, or with the first photoshop gallery, posted yesterday. Otherwise, let's just dive headfirst into the awesome:


I think this image is real. I hardly have to suspend my disbelief at all. If Raffi were in plainclothes, I'd swear up and down this was taken by Jeff Vinnick in Calgary. BoggyDepot, you are awesome.

Ill Bill Necro gives us Raffi, the human wrecking ball. Unfortunately, this building was a mom & pop shop forced to close by mean landlord Mr. Snively. It's a sad story, really.

This had better be a PSA for how not to go down a waterslide, because otherwise, Raffi's doing it all wrong. Sirwilliam with the image.

I like Raffi's desperate attempt to avoid looking directly into Darcy Hordichuk's nipple. This one's another gem from egatti, who also did today's header image.

In this visual metaphor, Raffi Torres represents small government. The patriotically named canadian hockey style brings the politics.

Here's MrWiggles with a solid effort. What a dig by number seven.

Something about that ball doesn't look right. I think Tiger Woods is cheating, but what else is new? Zing. This one's by MikeyD.

Ill Bill Necro gives us Raffi, the human cheese wheel. As a ginger, Raffi's definitely got the colouring to be cheese.

BoggyDepot gives us the first BallTor image in which he's right-side up. I like how concerned Raffi appears to be. I also like how he's ducking, in case another flaming bag of excrement falls from the sky.

Kudos to BoggyDepot again. I saw this movie when I was younger, and I don't remember Raffi Torres being in it. But I could be wrong.

Here's another MikeyD image. It's amazing to me how Raffi's wide open mouth can go from excitement to horror, depending on the situation pictured. Here, he's clearly terrified, and rightly so. No good can come of this.

Egatti earns PITB's "Too soon" award for this creative animated GIF. If you're offended by this image, ignore it for now, then come back in three months or so and you'll find it hilarious.

Here's something just as topical and much less offensive, again from egatti. Raffi makes a good Tron battle disc. By the way, thank goodness he plays on the same team as Sami Salo, because this is actually a simulation of what would happen if they ever collided.


GALLERY 1 - - - - - - - - - - GALLERY 2

Minggu, 06 Februari 2011

More of Cody Hodgson's Dark Times, With Hilarious Submissions By Readers Not Unlike You

If you're new to Cody Hodgson's dark times, I recommend you go back and read the original post that led to this one. If, however, you're averse to doing research just to get a pretty lame joke, here's a short primer: in an intermission segment about Cody Hodgson's injury troubles, the narration included the hyperbolic statement "The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson." Skeeter and I started riffing on the phrase and its potential responses. Soon, a PITB-only meme was born. Here are a few original examples:

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: It was a good pass, too. Tape-to-tape. I had the whole net to shoot at.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I cast magic missile at the darkness. It didn't work very well.

As you can see, the joke has myriad possibilities, and the Bulie response to this joke was maybe (read: definitely) funnier than the original post. After the jump, proof that we have awesome readers:


  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: That tanning bed was the worst prank Keith Ballard ever pulled on me, but now I'm okay.
    ---Qris Johnson
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I'm still getting used to indoor plumbing and microwave ovens.
    ---Aixtek
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: I look back on my time as a scientologist not as something to learn from but something to never ever tell anyone about ever.
    ---Qris Johnson
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    The dark times are beginning for Narrator...
    ---Van City slicker

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    My dark times were nothin' compared to Joan d'Arc times. Seriously, dude, talk to Glass about that. He majored in history.
    ---Anonymous
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson:
    Yeah I realize now Wish You Were Here is a more solid album start to finish.
    ---Section 312
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Destroying the ring was tough, but it simply had to be done. I admit, I'll miss the power of invisibility...
    ---Captain Morgan

I'm kind of ashamed at how long it took for me to get that this was a Temple of Doom reference.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    The evil start in Pankot. Then like monsoon, it moves darkness over all country.
    ---Michael
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    At first I was discouraged by the diagnosis, but the doctors assured me that if Michael Jackson could live with Vitiligo so could I.
    ---Jason
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    What can I say? All that was left from the turkey was white meat.
    ---Anonymous
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson:
    Actually, the dark times just start later in Vancouver, what with time zones and all. I'm expecting them to return in say three hours-ish.
    ---Anonymous

I love the sudden aggression in this one.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I got your dark times right here.
    ---FanZone2010
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Groundhogs everywhere are predicting an early Spring.
    ---A Wellwood

I hate when this happens.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Oh thank God, I thought rehab would never end. *gets attacked by feral cats*
    ---Captain Morgan
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    You can read all my experiences in my upcoming memoir, Black Ice: How I Was Drafted by the Atlanta Thrashers.
    ---Michael
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson:
    The power came back on.
    ---By-Tor

I'm assuming the old drama teacher was fired, with just cause.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Our new drama teacher isn't allowed to make us wear blackface.
    ---Qris Johnson
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Admittedly, it's weird to name a kidney stone, but I had grown rather attached to it.
    ---Jason

This one explains a lot.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: My injury addiction is behind me for good now.
    ---Ryan

This one needs explaining.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I must correct you, my friend. Believe me, it is still there, you just cannot see it as it is utterly transparent and ultimately, undetectable. It is, in fact a huge part of what makes up Cody Hodgson as well as everyone any everything around us
    ---ricardinho

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Yeah I was real freaked out but Ballard says it's just a solar eclipse.
    ---beninvictoria
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: We just had to slingshot round that side of the moon to get enough momentum. Was pretty freaky being out of communication though.
    ---PeeCeeGee
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Yeah, Coach said that was just a practice jersey.
    ---beninvictoria
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    It took me until my second game, but I finally scored an NHL goal.
    ---By-Tor

Wherever there's a special moment for a young person, one man can be found.

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Well I real-
    Kanye:
    Yo Hodgson, Imma let chu finish but Donnie Darko had some of the darkest times of all time. OF ALL TIME!
    ---Reece

And finally, when you have a joke with such a tight structure, someone is going to defy every ounce of it. Here's JTam with the most elaborate entry ever.


  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    The dark times were rough, but it had to be done. Remember our conversation two years ago?
    ________________________________________

    Narrator:
    The haters won. Luongo's Captaincy, everything he fought for - undone. Any chance you gave us at fixing our team dies with Luongo's reputation. We bet it all on him. The haters took the best of us and tore him down. People will lose hope.
    Hodgson:
    They won't. They must never know what he did.
    Narrator:
    7 goals! You can't sweep that up!
    Hodgson:
    No. But the haters cannot win. Vancouver needs its true hero.
    Narrator:
    No!
    Hodgson:
    "You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." I can do those things because I'm not in the NHL, not like Luongo. I have a bad back! That's what I can be.
    Narrator:
    No, no! You can't, your back!
    Hodgson:
    I'm whatever Vancouver needs me to be. Call it in.
    Narrator:
    They'll hunt you.
    Hodgson:
    You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me, set the fans on me. Because that's what needs to happen. Because sometimes... our play isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.
    Young Canucks Fan:
    Hodgson? Hodgson! Why is he running, Narrator?
    Narrator:
    Because we have to make ridiculous stories about him and his injury.
    Young Canucks Fan:
    He didn't do anything wrong.
    Narrator:
    Because he's the NHLer Vancouver deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So, we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Prospect.

    ________________________________________

    Narrator:
    So, uh, how's your back?
    Hodgson:
    Not cool.
    ---JTam


Well, that was fun. Feel free to keep this joke alive in the comments. We will gladly do another of these posts in the future.

Selasa, 18 Januari 2011

The Vancouver Wellwoods Need Your Help

You might recall The Vancouver Wellwoods, PITB's official, adopted women's street hockey team. These Play On! Burnaby champions (and adorable young ladies) have united under the Wellwoodian philosophy "Training = Cheating," and are one of six women's street hockey teams invited to Hockey Day in Canada's Play On! national championship in Victoria. And now they need our help. Take it away, team captain Morgan Tierney:
The Vancouver Wellwoods have been challenged by CBC to get 200 people to click "Like" at the bottom of our team page.

If we can get 200 fans faster than any other team in the National Championship tournament, fabulous prizes and (we assume) international fame await us. Since you and your fans seem to have the same appreciation for all things Wellwood as we do, I figured I'd invite you all to like us!

Our schedule will be posted on February 1st for anyone who wishes to cheer us on in person in Victoria.

And finally, I should let you know that we are currently working on a viral video masterpiece to pay tribute to our namesake, showcase our skills, and most importantly, convince Kyle that he would be better off coaching us than he would be playing for the Sharks.

To the Bulies: make sure you Like this team. They are PITB's team, and therefore, they are your team. (And while you're at it, don't forget to Like PITB on Facebook as well.) To the Wellwoods: make sure we get a copy of this viral video, and good luck at the National Championship.


Sabtu, 15 Januari 2011

Awesome Signage: Glass Fights Bears

Now seems like a good time to let everyone know that we love PITB-related signage here at Pass it to Bulis. Solemn vow: we will always feature it on this blog. This sign, prominently flaunted at Madison Square Garden on Thursday Night, is totally awesome. Additional points for getting the values correct on those Scrabble tiles. Poor Tanner Glass. Our favourite bear-fighting, Scrabble-playing mullet man is going to have one of the strangest reputations in the league when all is said and done.

And if that sign doesn't tickle your fancy, how about this sign?

This sign is really great for two reasons: 1) it's free advertising and 2) it is either the best inside joke ever or indicative of being completely out of touch with the Canucks' current roster. This is a good sign idea. More people should do this sign.

Both signs are awesome, and I can safely say that Steven and Shantini, the couple behind these signs, are equally awesome.

Senin, 22 November 2010

Tanner Glass: Scrabble Champion Apparel is the New Hotness


I've heard a lot of talk today about what the problem with the Canucks is, but here's what it boils down to: they're playing badly. In nearly every facet. That is my analysis. Here's my prediction: it won't last and they'll get some traction again soon. Keep in mind that they won eight of nine before losing four in a row. Neither streak was indicative of their overall skill level.

But that's not why I'm posting. I'm posting because reader @plusfelonesse, one of our favourite Bulies, has designed the above image for potential t-shirts and the Tanner Glass Open Scrabble Challenge. I just wanted to share it with you. Let me just say that it's downright exciting to have such a cool readership. We've only been doing this since April, but the community we're seeing develop is really, really exciting. Here's hoping it only gets better. We'll keep writing as long as you keep reading.

Question: if we got some of these shirts made up, would you pay money for one?