Armchair Cynic: How to Fix the Canucks Woes from the Safety of Home

The Vancouver Canucks have gotten off to a listless start, kicking off the 2010-11 season with a lackluster 2-3-2 record. Vancouver fans who like to be on top of such things as early as possible, look at the standings and notice that the Calgary Flames have the same number of points as the Canucks in two fewer games. All is not lost, however. As desperate as things seem, there's still a way for the Canucks to save their season and make the playoffs.

They need to hire me as their new general manager and coach.

As a fan who has never played the game at a competitive level, I know I can do a much better job at managing and coaching the Canucks than Alain Vigneault and Mike Gillis. Accordingly, I have prepared this list of solutions for what ails the Canucks. These bona fide solid-gold suggestions are provided free-of-charge. If the Canucks want more of my expertise, I'll need to see a contract.

• Move to a goaltending tandem inspired by Mighty Ducks 2: Luongo for regulation and overtime, Schneider for the shootout.

• Speaking of Mighty Ducks, begin scouting figure skaters for potential transfer over to professional hockey. Even female figure skaters. Especially female figure skaters.

• To inspire the slumping forward, pointedly use the word "silver" as often as possible around Ryan Kesler: bring up silverback gorillas for no reason, ask him to pass the silverware at team lunches, buy him a sterling silver necklace, and finally, get a tiny piece of wood stuck in your finger, ask Kesler for help removing it with tweezers, and repeatedly mis-pronounce the word "sliver."

• Temporarily sign enigmatic moustachioed free agent, Shmalexandre Shmurrows, to play with the Sedins for 3 games before sending him down to the minors, wherein he will mysteriously disappear and face punishment for failing to report to the Moose.

• Post a list on a bulletin board titled, "Other Teams Mikael Samuelsson Wasn't Picked For" including The Team 1040, Team Rocket, Team Edward, and #TeamRypien.

• Upon realizing that Kyle "They Don't Much Care for Ayn Rand in Russia" Wellwood has as many goals in 5 games in the KHL as Mason Raymond has in 7 games in the NHL, re-sign him to be the fifth-line centre.

• Memorize Herb Brooks famous speech from "Miracle" and recite it before every single game...in an imitation of Joshua Sacco's voice. Scwew 'em!

• Force the Team 1040 to fire Dave Tomlinson and hire university students to do color commentary.

• Since Andrew Alberts has shown such soft hands around the net, put him on the first-unit powerplay with the Sedins and plant him directly in front of the goalie.

• Slap Raffi Torres. Just slap him repeatedly.

• Make another trade with Florida.

In all seriousness, though, if I see Peter Schaefer start on the second line again, I will straight-up murder a beanie baby.