Some Canuck Fans Are Awful Human Beings

Canuck fans, upon hearing negative opinions regarding their team.

In the past few weeks, Kyle Wellwood, Mike Babcock, and Theo Fleury have all come under fire for some pretty offensive comments. Yes, unforgivable utterances, these. The things they said were so vile that it apparently became acceptable to forgo proper human decency and, instead, return their brutal statements with the worst slander, bigotry, and hatespeech Canucks fans could muster.

Just what did they say? Well, brace yourself. You see, each of them expressed skepticism that the Canucks' regular season dominance would extend into the playoffs.

Wellwood suggested the Canucks were too immature to handle playoff adversity. Babcock suggested Luongo might not have what it takes to lead the team to a Cup. Fleury suggested that, after coasting through the regular season, the Canucks were ripe for a first-round playoff upset. In truth, it was pretty harmless stuff, but the response from many Canuck fans was much less so.

As kneejerk vitriol goes, Kyle Wellwood and Mike Babcock got off easy. Granted, Canuck fans flipped the pool, and peppered both men with cheap, personal attacks, but most of it was pretty silly stuff. Welly's a soft target (so to speak), so bitter fan response didn't extend much further than jabs at his weight or the fact that he's a little weird. Mike Babcock, too, escaped relatively unscathed, because he's pretty hard to criticize. He's one of the NHL's finest coaches and a Cup finalist in three of his seven seasons behind the bench. The best Canuck fans could do on such short notice was embarrass themselves by calling him overrated, or a choke artist because he's only won one Stanley Cup (and World Championship, and Olympic gold medal).

Theo Fleury, on the other hand, had some pretty awful stuff floated his way. He's suffered some terrible trauma, and he's wrestled some demons. This is a guy who was sexually abused, and who has struggled with drug abuse for much of his adult life, and many Canuck fans, to the chagrin of the ones who still have souls, immediately went there. I won't repeat any of it, but you can just go ahead and imagine the worst, vilest things a person could spew at somebody who's been through what Fleury has, and it's probable someone said it.

And why? Because he had the nerve to suggest the Canucks weren't going to win the Stanley Cup. It was appalling. Regrettably, being an awful human being doesn't preclude one from being a Canucks fan. It was embarrassing to have anything in common with these dirtbags.

PITB apologizes on behalf of any Canucks fan who realizes that saying crap like this is not okay. Presumably, we're speaking for the majority here.

The bitter reactions are especially embarrassing because none of these statements called for anything other than a dismissive shrug. Wellwood, Babcock, and Fleury's statements couldn't possibly have been more ignorable. What's a few "no confidence" votes? The Stanley Cup isn't decided that way.

In truth, all we had here were a few extremely biased opinions. Lest we forget: Wellwood plays for the Sharks; Babcock coaches the Red Wings; and Fleury is a lifelong Flame. These guys have allegiances to Western Conference teams that will have to go through the Canucks to win the Stanley Cup, so when they predict the Canucks will fall, it's little more than optimistic fan chatter. Their opinion is no more objective than Fred from Minneapolis who thinks the Wild are close.

In future, the best response to anyone's lack of belief in Vancouver, especially the fans of other teams, is the one Roberto Luongo gave yesterday when presented with Fleury's prediction: "Who cares?"

Unfortunately, many Canuck fans simply couldn't muster such brevity.

Wellwood's World, Chapter 9: Happy Times Are Here Again

When we last left the non-stop actioner that is the life of Kyle Wellwood, Welly was making his triumphant return from exile, now in a San Jose Sharks uniform. He seemed excited about going to the Sun Belt, and relieved to be home from Russia, the bizarro nation where stray dogs reenact famous scenes from A Clockwork Orange before stealing your groceries.

In some sort of grand, cosmic joke at his expense, Wellwood wound up making his season debut in Vancouver. The quiet, self-effacing center seemed somewhat annoyed to be right back in front of Vancouver's million microphones, but it was a special treat for Canuck fans, like us, who have battled through the barrier that is the Cyrillic alphabet just to continue following his career. It was nice to finally receive a much-needed dose of Wellwoodness in English, where his trademark pathos wasn't mitigated by Google's crappy translator.

So what's new on the Wellwood front? Welly has now played 10 games with the Sharks. In those games, he's got 2 goals and no assists. Nothing special. However, he's a plus-4, and he's only been on the ice for 1 goal against (typical defensive stalwart that he is). That goal, by the way, was the much-ballyhooed Paul Bissonnette goal from the 1st of February. It garnered plenty of attention, as the rare BizNasty goal should, and nobody even seemed to notice that Welly got it back with his first goal of the season later that night ( to the highlights!).

That's right. Two weeks ago, Paul Bissonnette and Kyle Wellwood scored in the same game, and, apart from the postgame boxscore, I can think of very few other lists that might contain both names. These guys are polar opposites. After the game, Bissonnette crushed some nachos and stayed up all night partying; meanwhile, Wellwood crushed some leftover beet salad and stayed up all night reading the lesser works of Iris Murdoch.

Here's another interesting tidbit: you'll recall that there was some confusion over whether or not Kyle's pregnant partner, Bianca, was his wife or his girlfriend. In a recent interview, his brother Eric, of the Philadelphia Flyers system, cleared that up: she's his fiancee. Also, the baby is due in May, which could make things very interesting. If Wellwood tended to lack motivation before, consider how little he'll care if the Sharks are eliminated from the playoffs before his first child's due date.

That said, if you watched the first goal, or the second, you might have noticed a couple strange new things Wellwood is doing: he's celebrating his goals, for instance. He's also smiling from ear to ear quite regularly. The Sharks are 7-2-1 since Wellwood's arrival (obviously, this is directly causal), and he appears to be having the time of his life.

In a recent Russian interview, Wellwood admits that he overestimated his ability to adapt to a new country, that the snow, the cold, and the alienation prevented him from ever feeling at ease. It appears that his time in Russia gave him a new appreciation for his homeland, and a new fire for remaining in the NHL.

Vancouver fans can attest to this: Wellwood emotes so sparingly that, when he does, it really means something. Now is one of those times. He's home, he's playing for a contender with a much smaller media contingent, and he's about to be a father.

Ladies and gentlemen: Kyle Wellwood is happy.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Sharks, January 20, 2010

Canucks 1 - 2 Sharks

Before we go any further, a brief dissertation on the first game back from a road trip: we saw, in The Game That Shall Not Be Named, and in the wise words of the team's sleep doctor, that the first game back from a road trip often yields a team at the peak of their exhaustion. In fact, while some expect the game to be renewed with energy, the game is usually more an extension of the trip that just ended than the first game after it. Take a look at the Canucks' schedule after their last five-game road trip: after petering out on the road, they came back and dropped games on back-to-back nights versus Chicago and Phoenix. That's because they had yet to have any home rest. Then, when they finally got it, they recuperated and began the jaw-dropping streak that is only now coming to an end.

All of this is to say that the team we saw last night could have played much, much worse, and we can reasonably expect the team that shows up Saturday night to be much, much better (and I'm sure it won't hurt that they're playing Calgary). Anyway, I watched this game:

• I should say I'm not offering this as an excuse; I'm simply making the point that the Canucks deserve more credit for taking points from their last two games than they're getting. That's what you have to do in the current NHL--get points when you're outplayed. The Canucks have done it twice in a row and it deserves, at the very least, a golf clap.
  

• In the last game, I said that, while the Canucks were playing without rest, Roberto Luongo had seen plenty of it. Superstar goalie that he is, he needed to bail out his sleepy team. If you recall, in Denver, he didn't, but last night he did. While the Canucks were a little sounder defensively, they were still giving up shots all over the place: 46 in total, 25 of those in the second period alone. Thankfully, Roberto Luongo stopped all but one, and without his strong play, the Canucks don't get this one to overtime. He made some stellar saves, too, like getting the cheater of his glove on Joe Thornton's breakaway wrister. His rebound control was excellent as well--he was smothering the puck all night. Not since Othello killed Desdemona in her bed have I seen such thorough smothering.

• The funny thing about the shot count is that it didn't tell the whole story. San Jose had most of the shots in the second period, but they really didn't dominate the way it appears they did on the stat sheet. The Sedins had a litany of extended shifts in the offensive zone that didn't always yield shots, but did a good job of stalling San Jose's attack for long stretches.
  

• Man, were the Sedins good. While they only produced one goal on the night (the pretty one, above), they lived inside San Jose's blue line most of the evening. They had a ton of chances and a ton of shots. Line you thought you'd never hear: Henrik Sedin had a game-high seven shots. In fact, he and Daniel combined for 13, over a third of Vancouver's shot total. Tony Gallagher often complains that the Sedins regularly put up two points apiece but don't play consistently dominant games. Last evening, they did the opposite. You just got served, Tony.

• Alex Burrows had a decent game too, but the poor guy was thoroughly manhandled every time he went to the net. I didn't think you could do that. Apparently you can.

• The shootout remains a stupid way to decide a hockey game. May I suggest, instead, two mouse traps and one mouse.
  

• So it turns out those moronic bits where John Garrett talks about snack foods he likes are planned. During a stoppage in play, Dan Murphy introduced the featured product of the night: Quaker Crispy Minis. This was followed by about seven seconds of dead air, as John Shorthouse waited for Garrett to say how much he likes to eat them. Instead, Garrett briefly forgot he existed, and Shorty had to prompt him. I've long felt Garrett watches the games from behind a sleep mask, but in this case, he was genuinely asleep on the job.
  

• I was briefly puzzled by Sergei Shirokov's third-period benching, but on second glance, it makes sense. First, Shirokov was playing overly flashy--twice he cut to the inside of the ice instead of putting a shot on goal with traffic heading to the net, and both times waited too long and wound up accomplishing nothing. Second, he wasn't winning his puck battles. Until Vigneault reunited Raymond, Kesler, and Samuelsson, the second line wasn't getting any sustained offensive pressure at all, and much of that had to do with Shirokov's play. He's still good, though. Hopefully he remains with the team and adjusts his play accordingly.

• Speaking of Samuelsson, it was nice to see Angry Samuelsson return. While fighting for a puck along the boards, he took a check from Jason Demers, and rather than not taking a stupid retaliatory penalty, he turned around and punched Demers in the head. Way to go. But, as detrimental as Angry Samuelsson can be sometimes, he plays better when he's like this, so this might be a good sign.

• With another subpar night in the faceoff circle, it's clear that Ryan Kesler's thumb is still bothering him. He's not Wolverine (as far as I know), so he might need rest or treatment or something. I'm concerned that eventually it's going to turn completely blue like the band in that Daft Punk movie, then fall off. You need your thumb to flip coins. How will Kesler ever decide between two things?
  

• Dan Hamhuis had a fabulous game with an assist to go with four blocked shots and three takeaways. You don't always notice him, but he always seems to be in the right place. This is excepting that one shift where he led a botched rush and found himself two zones away from Joe Thornton's breakaway. I haven't seen a guy this out of position since my wedding night. I did a lot of guessing.
  

• Tanner Glass fought Jamal Mayers, whose name, if slightly mispronounced, rhymes with bears. Coincidence? No. There's no connection whatsoever.
  

• Christian Ehrhoff had four blocked shots and an assist. Unfortunately, the goal on which he assisted was scored by Logan Couture. You can't make a play like that in front of the best player on the Sharks, or you'll get burned. But cut Ehrhoff some slack--I'm sure, like most of us, he couldn't believe that, on a team with four Olympians, rookie Logan Couture is their best player. It's not a good thing.

• Had the Vancouver power play been as effective last night as it was on Tuesday, the Canucks might have won this game going away. Unfortunately, it was drier than Stephen Lynch and not nearly as enjoyable to watch. They went 0-for-5 on the night, including an overtime 4-on-3 that probably should have been automatic.
  

• And finally (and most importantly), it was good to see Kyle Wellwood back, and you can tell that he's ecstatic. He was smiling from ear to ear all night. We love Welly here at PITB, so this meant we were smiling from ear to ear all night. Seriously, I smiled so hard my hair parted like the grinch, which is impressive, because I'm bald.

Wellwood's World, Chapter 8: Meet Me in San Jose

Let's be very clear: when we began closely following Kyle Wellwood's career, we had no idea it was going to be this interesting.

Well, maybe we did. Even on a slow day, Kyle Wellwood is impossibly interesting, but we genuinely expected the Wellwood's World feature to be a lame list of stats followed by a botched quote from a Russian interview.

It never quite got to that.

Before long, Wellwood was back to his old tricks, infuriating coaches, losing ice time, and being hockey's greatest source of pathos. Then suddenly he was released from his contract. Then his wife was pregnant. Then he was signed by St. Louis. Then he wasn't. Then he was again, and before he could join the Blues, San Jose plucked him off waivers. Seriously, when has Kyle Wellwood ever moved this fast?

That's right, you heard it here last. Kyle Wellwood is a San Jose Shark. In fact, in a remarkable twist of irony (appropriate for the highly-literate forward), Wellwood will be in the lineup for the Sharks tomorrow night as their third-line center, directly opposed to Manny Malhotra, the guy the Canucks desperately targeted to replace him. So, again: The Canucks let Kyle Wellwood walk in order to sign Manny Malhotra. The Sharks let Manny Malhotra walk and eventually wound up with Kyle Wellwood. Seriously, how bad does GM Doug Wilson look right now?

I'm also happy to report that the Kyle Wellwood quote machine is back in English, meaning we no longer need to get his brilliance translated from Russian before we are moved by it. Here he is, addressing the long-running fat jokes, from Working the Corners:

Wellwood brings with him that reputation for being overweight and out of condition when he reported to the Vancouver Canucks at the start of the 2008-09 season. Yes, that was a problem then, he acknowledges. No, it’s not a problem now.

“When I came to Vancouver, I came off waivers from Toronto and I had three groin surgeries and I had a broken leg over the summer,” he said. “When I got to camp, I wasn’t in good enough shape or like the rest of the guys.

“That was something I fixed and now I’ve been in great shape,” Wellwood continued. “I’ve been under 180 pounds so it’s kind of a running joke — you still get the fat jokes when you’re one of the lightest people in hockey. You just laugh and shake your head.”

Typical Wellwood. I'm not fat. I'm weak. Get it right.

The prodigal son has come home, and now he plays for the other team. This is gonna be awesome.

The Vancouver Wellwoods Need Your Help

You might recall The Vancouver Wellwoods, PITB's official, adopted women's street hockey team. These Play On! Burnaby champions (and adorable young ladies) have united under the Wellwoodian philosophy "Training = Cheating," and are one of six women's street hockey teams invited to Hockey Day in Canada's Play On! national championship in Victoria. And now they need our help. Take it away, team captain Morgan Tierney:

The Vancouver Wellwoods have been challenged by CBC to get 200 people to click "Like" at the bottom of our team page.

If we can get 200 fans faster than any other team in the National Championship tournament, fabulous prizes and (we assume) international fame await us. Since you and your fans seem to have the same appreciation for all things Wellwood as we do, I figured I'd invite you all to like us!

Our schedule will be posted on February 1st for anyone who wishes to cheer us on in person in Victoria.

And finally, I should let you know that we are currently working on a viral video masterpiece to pay tribute to our namesake, showcase our skills, and most importantly, convince Kyle that he would be better off coaching us than he would be playing for the Sharks.

To the Bulies: make sure you Like this team. They are PITB's team, and therefore, they are your team. (And while you're at it, don't forget to Like PITB on Facebook as well.) To the Wellwoods: make sure we get a copy of this viral video, and good luck at the National Championship.

The Wellwoods are Street Hockey's Most Adorable Team

The Wellwoods are a women's street hockey team from Vancouver. More than that, they are a women's street hockey team named for Kyle Wellwood. My first inclination is to question why anyone would do such a thing. Is it because all the women in this photo are adorable? Is it because this team is the weakest in the league? Is it because the team doesn't have what it takes to make it in Russia? Maybe it's all of these things.

Also, according to an anonymous commenter who plays for this team, Rule #42 of the Wellwoods charter is as follows: Training = Cheating. That explains it.


Edit: According to a member of the team, the Wellwoods will be competing in the National Street Hockey Championships during CBC's Hockey Day in Canada. And we will be cheering for them.

Edit 2: According to another Wellwood, "Our team philosophy was built upon the Three Pillars of Kyle Wellwood: Soft hands, sharp minds, and overall adoreableness.

Our ultimate goal in 2011 is to achieve the impossible: a team photo with the legend himself!! We have no idea how to go about it but having him back in North America is a start. The next step will obviously be to recruit him as our head coach, but we'll settle for a photo for now."

The very idea of The Three Pillars of Kyle Wellwood makes me smile like a schnook.

Wellwood's World, Chapter 7: Back From Exile

Update: apparently this isn't officially confirmed and GM Doug Armstrong is denying it. But that's just shame. He'll get over it.

It was only last Tuesday that we delivered the bundle of nonjoy that was the end of Kyle Wellwood's contract with Atlant Moscow Oblant. Two days later, things got a little brighter, as we happily reported the bundle of joy his wife Bianca was carrying, and the pregnancy's part in what was an amicable departure from the KHL.

Now the news is downright sunny, as TSN is reporting that Kyle Wellwood, the gosh darn adorable center with whom PITB is unhealthily obsessed, has agreed to play the remainder of this season with the St. Louis Blues.

Now, it's all not roses yet, as Wellwood still needs to clear a few things: first, the remaining contract issues with his KHL team, and second, waivers.

I suspect he'll get through waivers, but the New York Islanders are all about picking up former Canucks on the wire, so there's still a chance he ends up on a line with John Tavares.

I'd prefer that, too. Not to Babcock the Canucks, but what if Kyle Wellwood fits in comfortably with the young St. Louis forward corps, becomes a leader, guides them to a first-round playoff meeting with Vancouver, and drops bombs? What if he scores a dagger? What if Kyle Wellwood, like Daniel "Vengeance as Fuel" Sedin, is out for blood?

We can only hope he goes easy on us.

Ask it to Bulis: The Greatest Canucks' Moustache & Other Inquiries

Ask it to Bulis is a regular feature wherein casual readers and hardcore Bulies alike can put their questions to two guys no more qualified to answer than they are. Harrison and Daniel preside:


Greatest Canucks' mustache: Babych or Snepsts? -- @staticotaku

H: Tough first question. I'm gonna go with Snepsts, and for totally subjective reasons. It was a slightly fuller, more unkempt mustache that covered a little more area. And because of its downward curvature, he looks the most like Mr. Johnson, the beleaguered blue Muppet who constantly makes the mistake of eating at Charlie's Restaurant, where Waiter Grover works. I have so much sympathy for Mr. Johnson, as there were clearly no other restaurants in Sesame Street (like the Red Robin in Maple Ridge), I can't help but love Harold Snepsts.

D: I have to disagree. Babych has the classier, more kempt moustache. It was big and bushy, but under control. Snepsts has a classic 'stache, but it's just a little too out-of-control for my tastes. There's a reason Babych is #7 on this list of top ten 'staches in all of sports and Snepsts doesn't even warrant a mention.

H: Because MSN.com has the last word on this, apparently.

Are they actively showcasing Schneider? -- @ttuckertweets

H: Yes and no. The Canucks don't play Schneider in games to actively showcase him to other teams. Organizations have scouts so that teams don't have to do that. However, the Canucks are definitely going to trade him eventually, and Schneider's great play is turning every one of his starts into a showcase. Effectively, and we've said this before, Schneider is showcasing himself.

D: Yes. Schneider isn't aware of this, but he's been placed in a Showcase Showdown wherein all 29 of the other General Managers in the NHL will be competing in various mini-games to test their financial acumen (Glen Sather isn't expected to get very far), presided over by a funny-looking man in a bad suit. No, not Drew Carey, I'm talking about Gary Bettman. Once they get to the Showcase Showdown, the two remaining GMs will attempt to guess closest to Cory Schneider's retail value without going over. If one of them gets the retail value exactly right, they get both Schneider and Luongo.

If Schneider continues to play well, what is his trade value in offseason? Do Canucks trade him then or wait? -- @sir_earl

H: I can safely say I have no idea what Schneider will fetch in a trade. His potential is immense, but there's little frame of reference for his open market value. Some people have pointed to Jaroslav Halak as a frame of reference (who fetched a decent prospect and a third), but I think it's a completely different situation. Schneider's younger, projects to be better, and, if the Canucks trade him this offseason, he won't require contract negotiations on the heels of a breakout postseason that could have been a fluke. Halak's situation was unique because his value spiked suddenly, and St. Louis got him for relatively cheap because they were willing to deal with that. That's why Schneider's value will be the highest if the Canucks trade him after this season: he'll still be on an affordable deal.

There are risks with acquiring Frecklesnoot too. His likely price means that he has to play like a starter for a GM to justify his acquisition. It's risky, especially since Schneider has still only played a handful of NHL games--his body of work is impressive, but it's a small sample size on which to judge the rest of his career. A hesitant GM could point to the team in front of him. You've probably noticed the Canucks are the best team in the NHL, and that tends to inflate stats. That said, Schneider still has the appearance and pedigree of a future stud, and there are teams out there I have to believe are eager to acquire his services.

The Canucks won't trade him until the offseason. Schneider remains an acceptable option if Luongo suffers a postseason injury or meltdown. And, if the Canucks go deep into the playoffs (or, perish the thought, win the Cup), then Schneider's value goes up yet again because he's got playoff experience on his impressive resume.

D: What Harrison said, mainly because we talked about this exact question over the phone and he stole all my answers.

Why and how did you pick Bulis as your blog's mascot? -- @artemchubarov

D: The phrase "Pass it to Bulis!" dates back to the 2007 playoffs, when the Canucks faced the Stars in the first round. As you may recall, game one of that series went an absurd four overtimes and was the 6th longest game in NHL history. It was an insane game: Brent Sopel had injured his back prior to the game picking up a cracker. The players needed intravenous fluids to stay hydrated between periods. Both Burrows and Cooke were injured early and ended up as the only players on the Canucks to play fewer than 20 minutes. Willie Mitchell led the Canucks with over 47 minutes in icetime. Crazy.

I was watching the game with a large group of friends. After regulation time ended, we started debating who would score the winning goal. There were votes for Naslund, Morrison, Linden, and, of course, the Sedins. I, on the other hand, figured it would be someone completely unexpected. Isn't it always the unlikely heroes that arise at such times? And who was the unlikeliest of potential heroes on the Canucks at the time? Clearly, the answer was Jan Bulis.

As time passed and the likely and expected heroes did not score, the more likely my suggestion seemed. Once we got into the second overtime, we began to shout "Pass it to Bulis!" at the TV every time the unhirsute one hit the ice. By the third overtime, we were shouting "Pass it to Bulis!" whenever the Canucks got possession of the puck, even if Jan wasn't on the ice. By the fourth overtime, we were weeping softly and muttering under our breath "will someone please, please pass it to Bulis..."

And then Henrik scored. And Jan Bulis finished with 2 points in 12 games in the playoffs. Stupid Bulis.

H: Stupid Bulis? How dare you speak ill about the patron saint of this blog! I would never.

What made Wellwood so endearing to you? -- @indelibleline

H: Well, he's adorable. But I think we've been drawn to Wellwood because he's such a unique personality. Welly's unique, but he's also uniquely self-aware in that he can speak honestly about his quirks. This is a guy who once called himself the weakest guy in the NHL, and he's never backed down from that or tried to fix it. He just doesn't like to work out. He's got incredible skill, but sometimes I think he kinds of regrets it, maybe wishes he did something else. He seems like the rare guy for whom it's just a job, and I think I admire that, because I recognize those feelings of wage-earners' ennui in myself. We are all Kyle Wellwood.

D: He's such an oddball that I'm dumbfounded that anyone could possibly dislike him. One of my favorite Wellwood moments came at the 2008 (or 2009 maybe?) Superskills. During one of the many lulls in activity, most of the Canucks were seated against the boards. Shane O'Brien was busy acting like a complete goof, entertaining many of his teammates. Everyone seemed to be in conversation, joking around and having a great time. Meanwhile, Wellwood was lounging in one of the faceoff circles, leaning on one elbow and idly playing with a puck with his stick. His ridiculous puck control while lying down in an incredibly lazy fashion while seemingly incapable of interacting normally with his peers pretty much perfectly encapsulated Welly. I also think he's a far more complete and effective player than most people, as illustrated by this adamant defense of Wellwood's defensive capabilities, and I think it's pretty natural to grow attached to a player that you're having to constantly defend.

Why are Canucks fans finding things to rag on Luongo about? Is he forever going to be the focal point of fans' whining? -- @camdavie

H: Yes. Luongo's been touted as the savior of a skeptical Canucks' fanbase, and they're constantly looking for flaws in his game to validate their pessimism. There are a number of other factors, too. First, people don't really understand the goaltending position or how situational it is. They don't understand that no goalie stops every shot, or that Martin Brodeur, widely believed to be the greatest goalie of all time, played much better behind a solid defense in a solid defensive system. Marty's not playing so well these days, but nobody's clamoring to strip him of his legacy. They understand he doesn't have the team in front of him that he once did. Luongo, on the other hand, takes the blame for every goal that goes in, because he has yet to achieve the Brodeur-like success people expect of him, and Cup-hungry fans examine those expectations in a vacuum.

D: Canucks fans are so used to ragging on their goaltenders that they simply don't know what to do with a goaltender who isn't terrible and isn't going anywhere. For a long while the Canuck net was filled with a series of mediocre goaltenders, none of whom were able to replicate the success of the most-praised goalies in franchise history, Richard Brodeur and Kirk McLean. Quite frankly, no goaltender will be considered to be "good" until they help carry the Canucks to the Stanley Cup finals as Brodeur and McLean did. It's nonsensical, but true. The reason Kirk McLean is held in such high esteem isn't just because he was a great goalie (he was), but because he carried the Canucks to the Stanley Cup finals and made The Save. No goaltender will be able to avoid the constant criticism in this market until he takes a team to the Stanley Cup finals.

Are the Canucks happy with Bieksa and Hamhuis as the shutdown pair or are we short a top stay-at-home D? -- @arby18

H: I think they're extremely happy with the pairing. Bieksa and Hamhuis are a shutdown defensive pairing that moves the puck exceptionally well, but if you want to know where their real strengths are, it's along the boards. Between Hamhuis' team-best hipchecking and Bieksa's team-best pinching, these guys control the boards in both zones, severely cutting down on the workload in front of their own net.

D: With Hamhuis and Bieksa constantly facing the toughest competition night in and night out and still posting fantastic +/- numbers, there's not really anything to complain about. It seems that Mike Gillis prefers to have a defensive corps that can all move the puck rather than having a mix of stay-at-home and offensive types.

Do we have a number one defenceman? -- @beninvictoria

H: Yes we do. His name is Alex Edler. Although I know what you're getting at. The Canucks rely heavily and equally on four guys. I think Canuck fans see guys like Lidstrom, Pronger, Keith, or Doughty, and assume we can't win unless we have a perennial all-star like that, and we don't.

But the assumption isn't true. Other Cup prerequisites that aren't true: you can't win with a Euro captain; you can't win with a high-paid netminder; a skilled team can't beat a gritty team; you can't win with a questionable fourth-line. Here's what happens every year: the best team in the NHL wins the cup, and then people extrapolate their strengths and claim that's the special formula for winning. Think about the previous Cup winners and how, every season, the radio guys claim the Canucks don't have enough of whatever that team's best element was. Carolina didn't have a defensive stud. Detroit had a Euro captain. Marc-Andre Fleury made five million a year.

The Canucks have a different model for their defense than Chicago did, relying equally on four guys rather than heavily on two. If it works out for them, you'll hear people saying you need two top pairings rather than one. If it doesn't, people will continue to clamour for a defensive stud to anchor the defense.

D: Yes we do. His name is Kevin Bieksa.

Kidding, kidding. I'm going to disagree with Harrison on this one and say that we don't have a number-one defenceman. As much as Edler has the potential to become one, he's not quite there yet. The top-four defencemen for the Canucks all average over 22 minutes a night. Edler is at the top of that list at 24:08, but there's not much of a gap in ice time between any of them. They all have a similar +/- and Edler and Ehrhoff's have similar point totals. Edler averages an extra shift per game, which isn't quite enough to vault him into number one territory.

Why is Samuelsson playing [badly]? -- @RE4713

H: He isn't. Samuelsson has been fourth in team points almost all season, and still remains the top scorer after the Sedins and Kesler. He remains one of the team's headiest players, and his patience and stickhandling continue to make room for his teammates. He plays a similar plodding style to the Sedins, however, and that confuses people who think: slow=bad; fast=good.

That said, he's not playing as well as last season, but last season was a bit of a peak year for him. An inordinate number of his goals were fluky (Sam's Surprises, we called them). He was bound to come back to earth, and he has. Unfortunately, this is why people are on him. Ignore the decreased goal totals and look a little closer: you'll see he's still making massive and valuable contributions.

D: Agreed. He's not playing poorly, he's just not matching the career year he posted last season. Also, with the emergence of Jeff Tambellini and the continued progression of Jannik Hansen, he's not going to see the same number of minutes that he did last season and won't be able to put up the same number of points. He's also not getting as luck as last season: his shooting percentage hit the lofty heights of 13.7%. His previous three seasons he had a shooting percentage of 7.4%, 4.4%, and 7.4%. His shooting percentage this season? 7.5%. Really, he's not playing poorly, this is just a regression to his normal self. And his normal self is still fourth on the Canucks in points.

One of my friends thinks the Sedins should be the first option for defensive zone faceoffs. He says that a team should send out their best players to defend their own zone against the opposition's top line because they have the skill to break up plays and exit the zone, with possession. I disagree and would like to hear your thoughts. -- Reid

H: The short version: you're right and your friends are wrong. The long version: zone starts are one of the ways a coach can manage the game from the bench, and it's a pretty simple principle. Get your offensive stars out in the offensive zone, where they have a headstart on what they do best. Conversely, get your top defenders out in the defensive zone for the same reason. Why do otherwise? Your best offensive players may stickhandle out of the defensive zone, but they waste their energy playing defense and skating through the neutral zone, then all they've got left is to dump it in and change. If you have a choice, you start them in the offensive zone and hope they stay there.

D: I'm going to be more blunt than Harrison. Your friends are stupid. You need smarter friends. Ryan Kesler and Manny Malhotra are two of the best defensive forwards in the NHL. The Sedins are decent in the defensive zone, but there's no reason to have them start there when Kesler and Malhotra are the other options. There's a reason the Sedins point totals have improved with the emergence of Ryan Kesler. One of the reasons is that he provides a secondary scoring threat that the other team needs to contend with, but the primary reason is that he (and now Malhotra as well) starts in the defensive zone against the opposition's best players, allowing the Sedins to get prime offensive zone starts.

There's a reason why the Sedins have one of the most favorable offensive zone start percentagesin the league and Manny Malhotra has one of the most unfavorable. It's not because Alain Vigneault is stupid.

H: Right. Your friends are the stupid ones.


If you have a question for a future edition of Ask it to Bulis, send an e-mail to passittobulis@gmail.com or tweet us at @passittobulis with the hashtag #askittobulis.

Wellwood's World, Chapter 6: A Surprise Ending

It was only just yesterday that we reported the sad news that Kyle Wellwood's contract with the KHL's Atlant Moscow Oblant had been terminated. Word was that the club was unhappy with his performance and they had therefore decided to end the relationship.

But it turns out that's not all to the story, as Wellwood had his own reasons for wanting out of the contract: his wife, Bianca, is pregnant. From Atlant's website, (and then crudely translated by Google:)

Reason that prompted him to return [...] pregnant wife. Bianca, Franco-Canadian, is expecting a baby [in] four months. Kyle and Bianca lived in the town of Windsor. This is in Ontario, Canada - across the river from the American city of Detroit.

That certainly explains a lot. It might even explain why the characteristically checked-out Wellwood seemed to be playing even more lackadaisical than usual: he was homesick, and with good cause. Later in the interview, Wellwood admits, "It's hard to leave [my] wife in such important days without my attention."

In previous interviews, Wellwood briefly touched on having a girlfriend back home, and at times, we got the sense he felt very alone in Russia. These interviews mentioned about a girlfriend, not a wife, so either we were duped by a translation, or Kyle was recently married during a trip home (perhaps propelled by certain unexpected circumstances). We're not sure.

Either way, this is an exciting time for Kyle and Bianca, and it seems perfectly understandable for Kyle to want to be with her now.

The article also makes it seem like the split with Atlant was much more amicable than we were originally led to believe.

We can say only the kind words about staying Vellvud in our club, "said CEO of Atlanta Andrew Ropes. "We are grateful to him for his speech, his goals and hard work. And on behalf of all of our fans wish Kyle a successful career in the future."

And where will Kyle go next? It's possible an NHL team picks him up for the stretch drive, but more than likely, the Wellwood family will find a home in Europe. Ever the pacifist, Kyle admits a preference for Switzerland, and remains steadfast in his belief he's not cut out for the AHL.

"I will continue his career this season? Yes, I plan. But in the NHL right now I have no one to sign and play in the AHL is not interesting to me, can not feed [my] family. Possible, take Bianca and again return to Europe - move into the Alps… Swiss mountain air will benefit [my] wife ..."

From where I'm sitting, an AHL salary would more than feed my children, but my kids won't be Wellwoods. Genetics indicate Welly's kid will likely cost a pretty penny to keep fed.

We at PITB wish Kyle nothing but the best going forward, and we'll continue to report whenever his wild and wonderful world drops news bombs like this one.


Many thanks to Irene, as usual, for the Wellwood tip.

Wellwood's World Chapter 5: Farewell Russia

The latest chapter in Kyle Wellwood's wild and weird world is a sad one. Dmitry Chesnokov of Puck Daddy is reporting that Atlant Moscow Oblast has released the pudgy playmaker from his contract. The news comes from Russian sports website sports.ru, which apparently broke the story, but the website resists my translation attempts (ie. it goes all weird and wonky when I try to use Google Translate), so I'm trusting Chesnokov's translation.

According to Chesnokov, the website reported that "the club management is not satisfied with the play of the 27 year old, and because of that a decision was made to end the relationship."

It seems likely that Atlant believed they were getting the diminutive dangler of 2005-07 rather than the dependable defensive presence of the current Wellwood incarnation. Wellwood only had 5 goals and 3 assists in his 25 games, but managed a +6 to go with his minimal point totals. Chesnokov also points out that he averaged a mere 8:39 in ice time per game.

Either that or they thought that in signing a hockey player from Canada, they were going to get a tough enforcer willing to drop the gloves at any moment. Wellwood had to dispel that notion in this interview:

Q: Are you ready to jump into the fray?

Wellwood: There is an image of a Canadian hockey player, but I do not like to fight. You could even say I can't.

Maybe that was the issue. Kyle just needed to be willing to drop the gloves. I'm guessing he didn't because he found the green Russian bandages embarrassing. Either way, his unwillingness to fight for his job left him without a job to fight for.

On the plus side, Kyle Wellwood is coming home.

Wellwood's World, Chapter 4: Wellwood Speaks!

When we last checked in with Kyle Wellwood, he had just signed a deal with Atlant Moscow of the KHL after failing to earn a contract with the Phoenix Coyotes. It was a bit of a bummer for PITB (genuine Wellwood fans that we are) but we purposed ourselves following Wellwood's career on the other side of the world. It's been easier said than done.

Wellwood's first season with Atlant began strongly. Coach Nikolai Borchevzky (formerly a Toronto Maple leaf, as celebrated at PPP) was playing Wellwood around 20 minutes a game, and he was enjoying top-six ice time. However, Borchevzky was fired in early October and replaced by Milos Riha, who had been fired by Spartak Moscow around the same time. Riha replaced the team's attacking style with a stricter, defensive structure. Wellwood has seen a considerable decrease in minutes, and is now back in a familiar place, skating in the bottom-six with limited minutes. In 20 games played, Wellwood has only 4 points (3 goals, 1 assist).

Who cares, though? PITB loves Kyle Wellwood because he's unique, and uniquely self-aware. His sheepishly, but candid personality is unique in hockey circles, and thankfully, his personality lives on, even in poorly translated Russian interviews. What follows are four Kyle Wellwood interviews, organized chronologically, in which he touches on everything from his adjustments to Russian life, women in the workplace, his former Canuck teammates, and the future of the NHL. This is must-read material.

Just a heads-up: Google Translate is an imperfect animal. Still, it is possible to get around the broken sentences and come to an understanding of what is actually being said, and we have tried to facilitate this with minimal editing. Enjoy!

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Interview 1: October 5, w/ Atlant press correspondent

The first interview takes place almost as soon as Wellwood arrives in Russia. He answers a few questions while unpacking his things and getting settled in the Atlant locker room.

Good evening, Kyle, welcome you in Mytishchi.

Thanks, I'm very pleased.

How was your flight?
All is well, but I was very tired and sleepy. Flying with two changes, in New York and Prague, for a total received nearly 11 hours.

Did you attend one day Russia?
No, I'm in your country for the first time. I was amazed that everything is great. Big country, a huge expanse. But the nature here is very similar to Canada.

How did you [enjoy the] weather in the capital?
Wet, slush, but tolerable. Again, in this weather I'm used to. At my home in Windsor, Ontario, the weather - not a rarity. True, I know that in winter you have here is very cold, but I'm ready.

For cooling you are ready, and to play for Atlant?
I am ready to give all the best in every game and do everything in my power.

Do you know someone from the Moscow Region club players?
No. But it does not bother me. Let us get acquainted. By the way, you are just playing with The Knight?

Yes, and why it interested you?
There is my old friend - Josh Gratton.

Kyle, finally, say something to our fans.
Always be loyal to your team and keep it, no matter what happens. And we, the players will try to justify your hopes.

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Interview 2: October 14, w/ Arthur Balchun.

The second interview takes place after Wellwood has played three games with Atlant. The interviewer sounds, to me, like a Canucks fan, as he laments the Canucks Stanley Cup loss in 1994. He also sound, to me, like a budding novelist, as he plays fast and loose with his descriptive prose in the opening paragraph. Funny stuff. I sensed a bit of timidty from Kyle Wellwood in the first interview, and you can see him here beginning to feel a bit more comfortable. He talks about running into somebody he knows in Mikael Tellqvist, and it seems to have given him more optimism. Also interesting is his discussion of the contract with Atlant. He admits he doesn't know if any other KHL teams offered him a contract. He said yes to Atlant the moment he was asked, even heading over before working out some of his Visa issues. Either this speaks to Wellwood's spirit of adventure, or the desperate situation he found himself in after Phoenix.

Yesterday evening at the Riga ice stayed Mytishchi "Atlant", recently intensified the 27-year old Canadian winger Kyle Uellvudom. Two previous seasons Kyle played for the NHL Vancouver Canucks, where reputed strong slogger third or fourth level, and even enjoyed the sympathies of fastidious Canadian fans. After the game Uellvud with ethereal sadness in his eyes wandered lonely backstage at the Arena Riga, recalling fifth-grader who transferred to another school and who have nothing to do with themselves on the break. Korrespondant dinamofans.ru (which, I must say, [was a] despairing fan of the Canucks in the year 1994) could not ask Kyle about a new turning point in his career ...

Kyle, you have already played three games in the "Atlanta." What are the first impressions of the Continental Hockey League?
Feel the major differences from the NHL game plan. Firstly, it is much more space, a little more than slow play, and most importantly, a huge number of very skilful players - it surprised most.

What were forced to leave Vancouver?
It's very simple - could not find a job in Vancouver. There was a proposal to play in the KHL - and here I am.

There were there any offers from other clubs in the KHL?
To be honest, I do not know. I was getting ready for the season in training camp in Phoenix, but to gain a foothold in the first team I could not. Then my agent asked me how I feel about the fact that the move to Russia. I replied "yes." Offer from Atlanta was the best at that time.

How do you feel a part of Atlant?
Until quite hard. We do not have the necessary "chemistry" in the team - this is a very serious problem.

Do you feel a player capable of solving problems, Atlant in the attack?
It should not only do I feel, and all five guys who are on site. I hope that this will happen, and that I can help the team.

You had ever been to Latvia?
No, first time here. In fact, I did not know much about Riga and Latvia, but a lot of guys from the team said that out of all cities KHL they like best to play it in Riga. I agree with them - are really cool!

Have to see the city?
Yes, although we only ride the bus to Riga. But tell you a secret: I will have the opportunity to walk around the city - because of visa problems, I'll be staying in Riga before Friday.

You had one match in Moscow, Minsk and Riga. What particularly memorable game in the capital of Latvia?
Well, first, the fans here in order louder. I noticed that you have plenty of its own, special chants, and chants of the whole stadium. Well, and was very impressed with this guy who went to the ice before the game - with a big head and all in lights.

With the famous Moscow traffic jams already had to face?
Yes, the very first day. I had to go to the checkup, I went to 6.30 and for three hours getting to the doctor's study. Very tired!

Do you further your career with a KHL?
Yes, I want to play a good season and has established itself in Russia. So far I like everything here - the guys are excellent, hockey ... hockey here in our performance, I hope, will be still a little in better.

A familiar face in North America in the KHL has not yet met?
That's just today - Michael Tellkvist. He and I played together in Toronto and St. John's, so I really know him well. Chatted with him on the rolling and after the game. Right now, maybe try to find [him]...

Well, thank you, good luck and looking Tellkvista!

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Interview 3: October 23, 2010, w/ Sportbox.ru

This interview follows an Atlant victory over Salavat Yulaev, a KHL team based in the Republic of Bashkortostan. Yes, their team name is not their location. In fact, it's a person--the leader of the Baskhir revolution, and therefore a national hero. Interesting. Salavat is loaded with former NHL notables, including Dmitri Kalinin, Alex Radulov, Canuck draft pick Kirill Kolstov, Victor Kozlov, and Senators draft pick Ilya Zubov, who made some waves last season for refusing to report to the Senators' affiliate in Binghamton. A poll on the left sidebar indicates that 2 HC Atlant fans feel that Wellwood is Atlant's best player. That sounds familiar. Two weirdly overzealous Wellwood fans with a complete lack of perspective, claiming he's awesome when the stats indicate otherwise? There is a Russian PITB. I don't think it's an official poll, mind you. Look at the third voting option.

Anyhow, this interview comes after the coaching change, and it's my guess that Wellwood isn't boasting when he compares Atlant's style to the New Jersey Devils.

You are playing against one of the strongest teams in Russia.
Yes, and it was visible. As part of the Ufa club serves many top players, especially impressive attack. But today we were able to oppose them with their own advantages.

In what period of the match you've had particularly difficult? Yes, throughout the game was very hard. Salavat constantly put pressure, but Barulin was able to reflect all of their shots. With a wall behind nothing is scary.

You have just recently moved to Russia. Already had such a short time to find a mutual understanding with our partners?
Just want to note that I like it here very much. Of course, at first it was a bit unusual, but I am slowly adapting to Russia. Yes, and problems with reading the game is almost not there.

Many players hard to rebuild after the NHL to Russian big box (ice surface). For large areas, even better to play than the smaller ones. Have more creative freedom, more opportunities to play the puck. So I'm in this transition can only see advantages. However, at sites in the NHL is fast.

Which of your previous commands more like Atlant? Toronto or Vancouver?
I'd rather be called our team the Russian New Jersey Devils. Why? We love to attack, and most importantly, know how to do it. We have a distinct leader and scorer in the person of Sergei Mozyakin, and the potential we can aim a blow at the highest awards this season.

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Interview 4: November 16, w/ Atlant press correspondent

In this one, Wellwood discloses, for the first time, that Phoenix actually offered him a two-way contract, but he turned it down. He discusses Russian food in a typically Wellwoodian moment, and in my favourite answer, admits the larger Russian ice surface might be better for him because he simply isn't a complete enough player for NHL ice. He talks about missing his family and his girlfriend back at home and how they're watching his games online, the way the media handled the Rypien incident, the looming potential NHL lockout, and women in the workplace. This is my favourite of the four interviews.

Preseason you've spent pretty cool, but still "Phoenix", where you were on the testing conditions, you have not picked up. Why?
Staying offered, but it would have been only two-way contract. I was not happy with.

Many people in your place would have stayed home and played in the AHL, waiting for his chance ...
No, the AHL - is passed stage. In the KHL, of course, everything is different: a big ice, requires more equipment and personal mastery. The game is, incidentally, a very lively and I really like. As regards the reasons for my decision, then several of them. The first is a new experience, which I regard as extremely positive. And play in the European area is like.

For your style, great ice is just the thing.
Yes, I'm not very technically and overall player.

What were your first impressions after arriving in Russia?
Food is very good (laughs). Of course, initially I was much surprised, because of differences with North America just a mass. I can say that the ride here I was not afraid of Russia have heard many good things. Language difficulties, however, seemed difficult, because those Canadians who have tried to learn Russian, said he was very difficult.

About Atlant know anything before?
Nothing. Neither the players nor the coaches nor the city had heard nothing. Just one day I was asked: "Do you want to play for Atlanta," and I replied: "Yes." Relatives have supported me. By the way, do not think that the KHL so easy to break - there is also a solid competition.

Kyle, now Russia's youth team will hold its traditional series of matches against teams of junior leagues. You were once a star of the League of Ontario and even won the prize of top scorer. Tell that to the prize.
It was 10 years ago, I played for the Bellville Bulls. The trophy is called "Eddie Powers Memorial Trophy and awarded to the person who attains the most points - I scored, I think, 118. By the way, our team was the only ice rink in the league of great European sizes. It was since then and I love the European court.

You had a stellar hockey youth, but further career has stood out quite difficult. You do not gnaw hurtful thoughts that you are not a star NHL and play in Russia?
No, it's a good experience. Of course, I like the NHL, but to gain a foothold in this league is very difficult. KHL - the second in the world, and here too, good hockey, so I feel no resentment on that score.

Your family comes to visit you?
It's hard to say. My girlfriend is still there, and my parents watching games on the Internet.

What are some contacts with his former NHL club - "Vancouver", "Toronto", "Phoenix" - support?
With former teammates sometimes communicate, but no more.

You've probably heard about the incident between the striker Canucks' Rick Rypien and fans Minnesota. Rypien lashed out at the audience applauded his removal, and thus earned a disqualification ...
Yes, I know about it - especially watching this moment on Youtube. Rypien is actually a normal guy, and you should not do in this case caused a sensation. This is a good reason for journalists to inflate the "big deal". In America, this pretty often.

Kyle, in the NHL in the current off-season there was not the easiest situation for the players - a lot of good players left without contracts, some veterans have finished his career, though could still play. In your opinion, how likely lockout after in September 2012 completed a collective agreement?
The lockout is quite likely. Players hardly satisfied with the situation, and large payments to the reserve fund, many feel that they should earn more. The owners of clubs, respectively, a second opinion. In the NHL club can not have more than 50 players on contracts, including players from the farm, so free agents today is not sweet.

And one last question: I heard that your mom Donna is working firefighters. Is this true?
Yes. And that surprise you?

[In] Russia, [this] is a very unusual profession for a woman.
In Canada, it is in the order of things, we women work, and loggers and miners.

Mom likes her profession?
Of course!

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Note: Special hat-tip to Irene, our favourite bilingual Bulie. God bless her, she understands the Cyrillic alphabet well enough to search the Russian Internet (it surfs you) for Wellwood content. In her own words, "These are tough to find since they have a different alphabet, [and] especially because, with no 'W' in their language, they've come up with about 6 different ways of spelling Wellwood." Thanks to Irene for overcoming the obstacles this world continually places between Kyle Wellwood and our hearts.

I Find This Photo Odd: Kyle Wellwood Edition

Sometimes we write good, insightful articles about topics that are important to us. Other times, we just post photos that make us titter. And say words that make us titter. Like titter.

Anyhow. Above is a photo of Kyle Wellwood with what appears to be a green dot on his face. Click on it to make it bigger (the photo, not the dot).

Incredibly, this is not the weirdest photo of Kyle Wellwood I've ever seen. This one's pretty good. This one's a gem. This is a solid piece of mockery. I've always found this one charming. I remember this one making the rounds. It's safe to say that Kyle Wellwood is a weird dude who is photogenic in a weird sort of way (a way in which he isn't). Like our new friend Raffi Torres, Welly has a tendency to look a bit goofy.

But the photo above is definitely in the top ten. It's hard to get a green dot on your face, believe me. So what's going on here? I have multiple theories:

Maybe Wellwood is the Hulk, but in keeping with his character, he's really lazy about it and he needs to bear down when becoming incredible; maybe Wellwood eats crayons to get himself pumped up for the game; maybe Wellwood loves Russia because they still have Squeez-it fruit drink; maybe Wellwood doesn't know how Movember works; maybe Kyle Wellwood is about to be assassinated, and laser sights for sniper rifles are green in Moscow; maybe Wellwood saw our post on Raffi Torres and made sure we came across this wacky photo of him with a green dot on his face somehow, so as to make sure we never forget him, and commenter and Twitter person @plusfelonesse, who tipped us to this momentous snapshot, is actually Kyle Wellwood.

Or a different thing. Whatever. I'm posting this because I miss Kyle Wellwood, and I find this photo odd.

Armchair Cynic: How to Fix the Canucks Woes from the Safety of Home

The Vancouver Canucks have gotten off to a listless start, kicking off the 2010-11 season with a lackluster 2-3-2 record. Vancouver fans who like to be on top of such things as early as possible, look at the standings and notice that the Calgary Flames have the same number of points as the Canucks in two fewer games. All is not lost, however. As desperate as things seem, there's still a way for the Canucks to save their season and make the playoffs.

They need to hire me as their new general manager and coach.

As a fan who has never played the game at a competitive level, I know I can do a much better job at managing and coaching the Canucks than Alain Vigneault and Mike Gillis. Accordingly, I have prepared this list of solutions for what ails the Canucks. These bona fide solid-gold suggestions are provided free-of-charge. If the Canucks want more of my expertise, I'll need to see a contract.

• Move to a goaltending tandem inspired by Mighty Ducks 2: Luongo for regulation and overtime, Schneider for the shootout.

• Speaking of Mighty Ducks, begin scouting figure skaters for potential transfer over to professional hockey. Even female figure skaters. Especially female figure skaters.

• To inspire the slumping forward, pointedly use the word "silver" as often as possible around Ryan Kesler: bring up silverback gorillas for no reason, ask him to pass the silverware at team lunches, buy him a sterling silver necklace, and finally, get a tiny piece of wood stuck in your finger, ask Kesler for help removing it with tweezers, and repeatedly mis-pronounce the word "sliver."

• Temporarily sign enigmatic moustachioed free agent, Shmalexandre Shmurrows, to play with the Sedins for 3 games before sending him down to the minors, wherein he will mysteriously disappear and face punishment for failing to report to the Moose.

• Post a list on a bulletin board titled, "Other Teams Mikael Samuelsson Wasn't Picked For" including The Team 1040, Team Rocket, Team Edward, and #TeamRypien.

• Upon realizing that Kyle "They Don't Much Care for Ayn Rand in Russia" Wellwood has as many goals in 5 games in the KHL as Mason Raymond has in 7 games in the NHL, re-sign him to be the fifth-line centre.

• Memorize Herb Brooks famous speech from "Miracle" and recite it before every single game...in an imitation of Joshua Sacco's voice. Scwew 'em!

• Force the Team 1040 to fire Dave Tomlinson and hire university students to do color commentary.

• Since Andrew Alberts has shown such soft hands around the net, put him on the first-unit powerplay with the Sedins and plant him directly in front of the goalie.

• Slap Raffi Torres. Just slap him repeatedly.

• Make another trade with Florida.

In all seriousness, though, if I see Peter Schaefer start on the second line again, I will straight-up murder a beanie baby.

Wellwood's World Chapter 3: To Russia with Love

If you follow Kyle Wellwood news as closely as we do (and why wouldn't you?), you will have already heard the sad news: our favorite Ayn-Rand-reading, no-TV-watching, no-minor-penalty-taking little warrior will be taking his talents to Mytischi to play for Atlant Moscow Oblast.

Despite a strong showing during the Phoenix Coyotes training camp, he was outplayed by top prospect Kyle Turris in the preseason, and could not earn himself a contract. He only managed 2 points in 5 games and in his final preseason game he had no points and was a -2. Turris, on the other hand, had 3 points in 4 games, with a goal and a +2 in his final game. It came down to Harrison's favorite word in regards to Wellwood: "results."

His one preseason goal was typically Wellwoodian, as he stick-handled the puck directly into the goal on the powerplay (goal at 0:19, replay at 1:26), which the boxscore generously labeled a wrist shot. Also available in that clip is a brief interview with Kyle at 0:55, as well as some praise from no less a source than Shane Doan at 1:14. Unfortunately, after this lofty day, Wellwood came crashing back to earth. With the signing of Eric Belanger, the spots on Phoenix's roster were limited, and they opted to go with the young prospect rather than the cagey vet.

It's hard to disagree with GM Don Maloney's decision, but it's also hard to see Kyle Wellwood's last chance to play in the NHL this season slip away. On the plus side, in the KHL he'll get a chance to skate alongside another former-Canuck oddball, Jan Bulis! The Kurtenblog accurately predicted that this would please us, as Atlant immediately becomes our favorite KHL team.

Wellwood will be the only Canadian on the roster, but not the only North American, as American Jeff Hamilton, who played 157 games in the NHL, has also reportedly signed with Atlant. Wellwood will easily slot into their top-six with Nikolai Zherdev leaving the team in the off-season for a contract with the Philadelphia Flyers. In fact, Kyle could fit into the top line between top KHL scorer Sergei Mozyakin and Jan Bulis. Kyle's shiftiness and stickhandling skills will serve him well on the larger ice surface in the KHL and he should be able to rack up some sizable point totals and hopefully find his way back to the NHL next season.

We'll keep a close eye on Wellwood and Atlant throughout the season through the magic of Google Translate, unless we're able to find a legitimate translator to help us navigate Wellwood's new world.