But Seriously, Thanks for Everything, Peter Schaefer

Peter Schaefer, artist's rendering.

Ben Kuzma reported this morning that checking winger Peter "Soul Patch" Schaefer, recently put on waivers by the Canucks, will not report to the Moose. He will likely retire (or go to Europe, which is, for North American hockey fans, usually the same thing).

Poor Schaefer never really got a fair shake from the Vancouver fans. Maligned as the reason we couldn't stay friends with Brendan Morrison (when, in reality, Schaefer fit the team's needs so much more, at least coming out of the preseason), he was compared to B-Mo from day one, even though their roles and skillsets were very different. Critics are waist-deep in hindsight right about now, but keeping Peter Schaefer made a lot of sense in September. A former 20-goal scorer that missed a full NHL season, Schaefer won a job out of training camp on the merit of his excellent penalty-killing. The good faith was that he would recover his historically strong skating ability after a handful of games, and the Canucks would have a cheap, speedy, defensively responsible, veteran with some decent hands in the bottom-six. You can see why it was a valid gamble; it simply didn't pay off.

That said, rather than shake our fists at what he couldn't do, let us shake his hand for what he did: Schaefer's comeback was genuinely remarkable, as it takes real talent to spend a whole season out of hockey and then step right back into NHL duty )just ask Cody Hodgson). Schaefer truly was an excellent penalty-killer. His last NHL goal was a hugely important tally against tonight's opponent, the Colorado Avalanche. Not to mention Schaefer was a quality topic for PITB comedy for a solid two months. He earned his own, specialized hashtag (No Second Line For Schaefer), and he's been the target of more than a few one liners. Let's close with some of our favourites:

People were taking shots at Henrik for being a poor captain tonight. Is this fair? Here's my thinking: if we're seeing evidence that wearing the C for the Canucks makes you play worse, we should give it to Peter Schaefer. Nobody will notice. -- IWTG, Nov. 20

Poor Jeff Tambellini has already been sent to the Moose, and I'm sure that his first mediocre game with the Sedins didn't help. Still, that sucks, because he can play. I recognize that it's a strategic move, but Peter Schaefer [is] still in the lineup; that is to say there is a better strategy. -- IWTG, Nov. 1

Schaefer's doofy little fist pump after the goal was far less beautiful. What the heck was that? He looks like he just got the right answer on Bible Jeopardy. -- IWTG, Oct. 26

The Dead Puck Era created more offense than Peter Schaefer does. -- IWTG, Oct. 22

[If] I see Peter Schaefer start on the second line again, I will straight-up murder a beanie baby. -- Armchair Cynic...

Last night, the 2nd line consisted of Ryan Kesler between Peter Schaefer and Jannik Hansen, a duo that has combined for zero points this season and will likely improve that number very slowly over the next six months. -- Kesler Is Struggling...

But seriously, thanks for everything, Peter Schaefer. We wish you nothing but the best.


Note: for additional Schaefer-based comedy blogging, check out Stanley Cup of Chowder's A Day in the Life of Peter Schaefer from 2008 (wherefrom I pilfered the photo at the top of this page).

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs. Wild, October 22, 2010

Canucks 5 - 1 Wild

After tonight's game, it might be hard to differentiate between the west coast sea breeze and the relieved sighs of Canuck nation. While a win tonight doesn't solve our problems, it certainly mitigates our concern. The Wild, like us, had played 3 games in their last four nights, but they were on the road tonight, and gosh darn it, we're better than they are. Had we lost tonight, especially considering what's gone on this week and how badly we craved a win, there might have been enough hand-wringing for a spike in sales of Glysomed. Thankfully, we won. Also thankfully, Pass it to Bulis watched. Hear us roar:

• Corey Schneider continues to play fabulously, propagating the largely shortsighted and reactionist "goaltending controversy." Not since Cheryl Blossom has a redhead so relentlessly challenged the status quo. Before we start demanding the team waive Luongo, let us remember that the Canucks have played much, much better in front of him than they have in Luongo's losses. The whole team was excellent tonight. Still, Schneider deserves much kudos, as he made it look easy tonight. Maybe it was. Minnesota sucks.

• Jeff "Shmalexandre Shmurrows" Tambellini looks to be the best fit, among healthy forwards, for the Sedins. Even before the breakaway goal, Tamby allowed the twins to play their game, retrieved pucks, used his speed to back defenders off, and read the play smartly. The line was visible all night. Tamby also made a pretty solid case for being on the shootout roster.

• Tamby's success up top also allowed Vigneault to roll some solid second and third lines, such as Jannik Hansen with Malhotra and Torres, a line that combined for the first, third and fourth goals. They were the best line on the ice tonight. Hansen and Malhotra were amazing like a double rainbow. I declare them the tandem that will give the third line it's identity for the rest of the season.

• Why not Torres? While he has excellent moments and definitely did in this game (in this game, a goal and a coupe nice hits), he often doesn't seem to know how to play with others, like Stampy. There were two odd-man rushes where he was so close to his linemate he neutralized any cross-ice pass, as well as spared the defenseman from having to take a man. Open up the ice, Raffi.

• Tambellini's success with the Sedins also allowed Vigneault to keep Kes, Ray, and Sammy, the rightful second line and producers of the second goal, intact. They're clearly still regaining their confidence, but they're beginning to be consistent. Want to see how stats are totally bogus? Prior to tonight, there was much ado about Ryan Kesler's lack of production. With tonight's goal, he has three points in his last four games. Please unpress your panic buttons.

• The fourth line looked excellent too, but primarily because Tanner Glass and Peter Schaefer skated on it exclusively.

• It's not all roses, though. While Mikael Samuelsson still shoots more often than Horatio Caine, too many are getting blocked or missing the net. He seems a little off. He needs to, uh, you know, fix that.

• I laughed out loud at Shorty and Garrett bickering over the tricky issue of mass nouns and the fewer vs. less debate. Turns out Shorty's a grammar nazi. Think he's a big enough loser to own (and, like me, cherish) a first pressing of Funk & Wagnalls Handbook of Synonyms, Antonyms, and Prepositions? We can only hope. For the curious: fewer is typically used for countable amounts, less for abstract amounts (i.e. fewer shots; less offense). Garrett was talking about games played, and thus should have used fewer.

• On the first powerplay of the game, Henrik Sedin took a slapshot, but he is such an innate passer that it turned into a crisp tape-to-tape pass to a Wild defender. Does he think he's Daniel? He wouldn't be the first guy to make that mistake. I know he scored 29 times last season, but Hank is not a shooter. I firmly believe he's going to reach 100 points this season without scoring a single goal.

• That said, he nearly had an awesome one on a 2-on-1 when he pulled off spin move on Greg Zanon and got in alone. It would have been absolutely perfect if Henrik had pulled it to the forehand after coming out of the spin. He had time. Not sure why Zanon was so completely bamboozled. All Henrik does is spin. He's like Cobb's totem.

• Hats off to the defense corps. They were great tonight, steady, dependable, smart. It's enough to forget Kevin Bieksa is amongst them. Seriously, though, Kevin Bieksa was really good tonight, apart from one ill-advised pinch which led to a two-on-one.

• Alex Edler has been good all season, and he was great tonight. Often times, he goes completely unnoticed, which is both an element of praise and a criticism. Edler has the ability to do more than he often does. Aaron Rome should be unnoticeable. Edler needs to do more things like this. He's the only D-man in the lineup who can make a pass like that.

• Great job by the penalty killers on the 5-on-3. The Dead Puck Era created more offense than Peter Schaefer does, but he really is excellent when you're a man down. He killed a ton of time on Minnesota's two man advantage, then drew a powerplay-ending penalty on Mikko Koivu later in the game. I just wish he'd use his knucklepuck more often.

• Anybody else see the two dudes jump-hugging on the Kesler goal? If there's one thing we at PITB are totally in favour of, it's public displays of dudehuggery. I think the preponderance of dudehuggery is secretly why men love hockey.

• The 2nd intermission had an excellent piece on one of PITB's all-time favourite Canucks, Cliff Ronning. My favourite moment was the last clip of the segment, which featured Ronning celebrating a goal in slow-motion by shouting "F***ing right!" Obviously, there was no sound, but there is no easier lipread in the English language. What a strange clip to use, but I shouldn't be surprised. Sportsnet makes some questionable choices with their intermission programming, such as putting Tony Gallagher in front of a camera.

• I'm going to assume Daniel Sedin is going to be given a belated assist on the Tambellini goal. He should, and I hope he does, primarily so his season-long point streak continues. Not since Frank the Tank has there been streaking of this magnitude.

• I would like to ban Mason Raymond from carrying the puck over the blue line on powerplays. He tries to go end to end, but usually loses the puck because he should have passed it off. Even at even-strength, Raymond needs to realize there are other passing options besides the defensemen. He seems to forget he has linemates--it's a hoedown of one. Only Colin Mochrie can thrive in such circumstances.

• This is PITB's 200th post, and we're feeling pretty good about it. We work hard on this stuff, and we'd like to thank everybody that's recognized and supported our efforts. You guys are awesome.

Armchair Cynic: How to Fix the Canucks Woes from the Safety of Home

The Vancouver Canucks have gotten off to a listless start, kicking off the 2010-11 season with a lackluster 2-3-2 record. Vancouver fans who like to be on top of such things as early as possible, look at the standings and notice that the Calgary Flames have the same number of points as the Canucks in two fewer games. All is not lost, however. As desperate as things seem, there's still a way for the Canucks to save their season and make the playoffs.

They need to hire me as their new general manager and coach.

As a fan who has never played the game at a competitive level, I know I can do a much better job at managing and coaching the Canucks than Alain Vigneault and Mike Gillis. Accordingly, I have prepared this list of solutions for what ails the Canucks. These bona fide solid-gold suggestions are provided free-of-charge. If the Canucks want more of my expertise, I'll need to see a contract.

• Move to a goaltending tandem inspired by Mighty Ducks 2: Luongo for regulation and overtime, Schneider for the shootout.

• Speaking of Mighty Ducks, begin scouting figure skaters for potential transfer over to professional hockey. Even female figure skaters. Especially female figure skaters.

• To inspire the slumping forward, pointedly use the word "silver" as often as possible around Ryan Kesler: bring up silverback gorillas for no reason, ask him to pass the silverware at team lunches, buy him a sterling silver necklace, and finally, get a tiny piece of wood stuck in your finger, ask Kesler for help removing it with tweezers, and repeatedly mis-pronounce the word "sliver."

• Temporarily sign enigmatic moustachioed free agent, Shmalexandre Shmurrows, to play with the Sedins for 3 games before sending him down to the minors, wherein he will mysteriously disappear and face punishment for failing to report to the Moose.

• Post a list on a bulletin board titled, "Other Teams Mikael Samuelsson Wasn't Picked For" including The Team 1040, Team Rocket, Team Edward, and #TeamRypien.

• Upon realizing that Kyle "They Don't Much Care for Ayn Rand in Russia" Wellwood has as many goals in 5 games in the KHL as Mason Raymond has in 7 games in the NHL, re-sign him to be the fifth-line centre.

• Memorize Herb Brooks famous speech from "Miracle" and recite it before every single game...in an imitation of Joshua Sacco's voice. Scwew 'em!

• Force the Team 1040 to fire Dave Tomlinson and hire university students to do color commentary.

• Since Andrew Alberts has shown such soft hands around the net, put him on the first-unit powerplay with the Sedins and plant him directly in front of the goalie.

• Slap Raffi Torres. Just slap him repeatedly.

• Make another trade with Florida.

In all seriousness, though, if I see Peter Schaefer start on the second line again, I will straight-up murder a beanie baby.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Wild, October 19, 2010

Canucks 2 - 6 Wild

So we watched this game, and when our eyes began to bleed, and we began to shout expletives at John Garrett, we realized that we might have anger management issues. I know I do. I'm still on a lengthy timeout from Settlers of Catan after what happened last time.

The Minnesota Wild bagskated through all of their issues, and may have created an unnecessary goaltending controversy by scoring six goals on a Canucks team that looked as out of sync as 'N Sync without Justin Timberlake. (He was the N. Look it up.) To be frank: the Canucks sucked quite hard tonight. Quite hard indeed. So let's get right into it.

• Rick Rypien is going to get hecka suspended. If you missed the game, here's what happened: After a fight with Brad Staubitz, Rypien tried to fight him again. Not sure why. He tagged Staubitz in the first fight, thereby making his point. When the refs broke up the second fight before it got started, Rypper kind of went insane. He took a cheap shot at Staubitz with the referees between them. Then, as he was being removed from the game, a couple of fans unwisely applauded. This is all they did, but Rypien went berserker on them (video above). The fans were removed for their part in the altercation (removed to other, better seats), but they didn't really do anything. In fact, the guy in the red shirt was just trying to protect his friend; neither guy instigated anything. Rypien has already been suspended indefinitely, pending review by the league. His only hope is that somebody commits a blindside hit to somebody else's head before the night is up, because that will steal all his suspension-thunder.
• Sidenote: suspension thunder is the name of the accessory holding my pants up. And Skeeter's electro-pop side project.
• Did we mention the Canucks were terrible tonight? Because oh my, yes, they were. Incredibly, in a 6-2 rout, only one Canuck was a minus-2. It was Ryan Parent, who looked a little like he should only play in a game when three top six defensemen are injured.
• As the team's official whipping boy, Bieksa is going to get flamed for everything, but he actually did not play poorly this evening. Neither did he play well, but nobody else did either, and it didn't help him that his partner, Ryan Parent, was the worst player on the ice. Bieksa will be especially vilified for his role in the Wild's fourth goal, where it appeared he was puck chasing in the defensive zone. However, he was merely covering up for Ryan Parent, who was floating in the neutral zone like a scoop of ice cream in a mug of root beer. (In this analogy, root beer is neutral, like Switzerland.)
• Skeeter would like to point out that three of the Wild goals came on the powerplay and do not figure in to the plus/minus statistic. The Wild powerplay, by the way, was remarkable. If it weren't so infuriating to watch, it might have been fun to watch.
• Holy smokes. John Garrett has huge ears. Skeeter's wife: "Those ears are 100 years old."
• There wasn't a goaltending controversy before tonight's game, and there probably still shouldn't be, but Roberto Luongo wasn't good tonight. In Vancouver, where the fans only remember the game prior to the one they just watched, Luongo suddenly looks like a zero and Cory Schneider suddenly looks like the hero Bonnie Tyler's been holding out for. It may not be an actual goaltender controversy, but the media is sure as Hell going to cover it like it is.
• Daniel Sedin is still on pace for 82 goals. He is also on pace for 82 games.
• Henrik Sedin is on pace for an assist every time Daniel scores a goal.
• As usual, the Sedins racked up points completely unrelated to what the rest of the team was doing. Henrik looked especially good on this Tanner Glassian spinorama. Is it just me, or is everybody on the Canucks suddenly doing this move? This may be Henrik's influence as captain. If Tanner Glass was captain, suddenly everybody would be unsuitable for the third line.
• Speaking of line combinations, I think it's safe to say that Raymond and the Sedins have run their course. Remember that we hated it from the start. Why a fence has been built between Samuelsson and his proper linemates is beyond us. But perhaps he can conquer it with love? Probably not. Love is just an abstract concept. It can't knock down stuff.
• Also: Peter Schaefer, in an abomination of Biblical proportions, started the game on the second line. Does nobody scroll to the bottom of our posts and read the labels? When will they learn!! Why can't you read the labels?!
• On the bright side tonight: Teletoon aired the Futurama pilot post-game, and it remains as excellent as the day it first aired. It also remains as timely, as its preponderance of suicide booths seem particularly appropriate after tonight's hockey game.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Hurricanes, October 17, 2010

Canucks 5 - 1 Hurricanes

A slump-bumper of snipery proportions. It was very snipe-ish.

Now that, my friends, is much better. I say "my friends," because I know our audience consists largely of close personal friends and select family members. We are, however, just 4 followers short of an even 100 on Twitter, which means some people we don't know must like us because Harrison and I don't have that many friends. Or family members.

In any case, the Canucks played a hockey game and, as per usual, I watched it.

• Alain Vigneault is going to get praise after this game for the success of his line-juggling, and it will be largely undeserved. The Sedins and Raymond were uninspiring as a line, though they did have their moments, such as Raymond's second goal. They still did not control the puck down low like the Sedins are capable of and Daniel had no shots on goal. It's no coincidence that Raymond's other two points on the night came in combination with Mikael Samuelsson. After Raymond, Kesler, and Samuelsson were one of the best lines in the entire NHL last season, it's shocking that AV hasn't put them together yet this year. That said, the Canucks got the breakout of secondary scoring they were looking for, which likely means we'll see these lines again next game.
• Kevin Bieksa is a high-risk, high-reward type of player. Friday night we saw all risk; tonight we saw all reward. He made excellent judgements all game and stepped up offensively when the time was right. One of those judgements led to Mikael Samuelsson's 3-0 goal, which also features likely the finest pass of Tanner Glass's career. It was, dare I say, of a quality usually reserved for third-line players.
• Apparently, Andrew Alberts has good hand-eye coordination. Who knew? He also added 5 hits and 3 blocked shots. Solid night's work from Andrew "Still Took a Minor Penalty" Alberts.
• The second line of Hansen, Kesler, and Tambellini was buzzing throughout the first period, though they weren't able to combine for a goal. Kesler did manage to hit a crossbar on a wide open net, though. Tambo might have earned himself a longer look on the second line, but he took two pretty dumb penalties as well.
• I still don't like having Kesler on the first-unit powerplay with the Sedins because it weakens the second-unit, but you couldn't tell from Mason Raymond's 2-0 goal. Mikael Samuelsson fools everyone by not shooting it immediately, which clearly confuses the Carolina penalty killers. Unsurprisingly, he was just hanging on to the puck so he could shoot it later. Like John McClane's gun, Samuelsson has two modes: shoot now and shoot later.
• Also of note on that goal, Jeff Tambellini's blind, between-the-legs back pass to set up Raymond. If he were Henrik Sedin, I would claim he did it entirely on purpose. Since he is not, I will point out, quite rightly, that he was just trying to get the puck to the front of the net. Either way, it worked and looked pretty.
• Kristin Reid, in the first intermission, referred to the current NHL cause as "Hockey Fights Canada," which would be a stunning heel turn akin to Hulk Hogan joining the NWO.
• Cory Schneider was fantastic in net, making every save look routine with his solid positioning and big body. He made 32 saves and was only beaten by a perfect shot from Patrick "Baby Boy" O'Sullivan.
• I love that Kesler scored (on a beautiful one-timer as seen above) to bump his goal-scoring slump, but I hate that he did it on the powerplay with the Sedins as it seemingly reinforces the idea of having him on the first-unit, which I am against. He and Raymond were brilliant together last year on the second-unit and without him, the second-unit has no identity.
• It appears that AV listened to my suggestion and moved Peter Schaefer to the fourth line. In fact, he played as the fourth-line centre. We might see him and Rypien trade off on that position until Bolduc gets healthy again. I like that we have a useful fourth line, as Schaefer and Glass were both effective in a penalty-killing role, aiding in a perfect 6-for-6 performance.
• The real star on the penalty kill was Manny Malhotra, who used the unorthodox method of getting two consecutive breakaways to help kill off a 5-on-3 powerplay in the third period. He was also a ridiculous 15-for-16 in the faceoff circle. 15-for-16! As the colour commentators are wont to say, holy jumping.
• It looks like Hamhuis and Bieksa are no longer the top defensive pairing, as Ehrhoff and Edler played the big minutes tonight. I am in favour of this. I like both Hammy and Juice a lot, but they played the part of the victims on Friday. Fans are quick to put the blame on Bieksa because he's the one who's most often chasing the puck in the defensive zone, but Hamhuis was also uncharacteristically out of position and unable to tie up opponents sticks last game. I'm much more comfortable with Ehrhoff and Edler as the top pairing.
• Aaron Rome, filling in for the injured Keith Ballard, was completely unnoticeable on the ice, despite playing over 15 minutes. This is a good thing.
• To sum up this game: no one played terribly and, while the Sedins were largely invisible in this game, they still combined for three points. The secondary scoring finally kicked in, with Raymond and Samuelsson picking up 3 points each, and Alberts, Raymond, Samuelsson, and Kesler all picked up their first goals of the year. Hopefully they can take this momentum on the road with them, where they haven't won in two attempts.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Kings, October 15, 2010

Canucks 1 - Kings 4

Last night started off on a sour note, even before puck drop. I invited Skeeter to come watch the game with me in my new townhouse in Maple Ridge and, at about 8pm, I was beginning to wonder where he was. I found him out in the parking lot, not entirely sure what unit I lived in because I forgot to tell him. He was kinda visibly (understandably) upset. Well, the Canucks had as much trouble finding the net last night as Skeeter had finding my house. The Kings, on the other hand, got a few lucky bounces, and a tight defensive game turned into a 4-1 trouncing. I've only had cable in my place for three days, but the game was so infuriating I nearly snapped at my wife, then called Shaw and canceled their service, like Richard Beech famously did once. Regrettably, Skeeter and I watched this game, and fought back our primal urge to quit watching it because of our faithful reader:

• It goes without saying, but the Canucks might want to try scoring. I've seen Christian stand-up comedy more offensive than this. Ugh. Maybe.
• Daniel Sedin is on pace for 82 goals this season. The rest of the Canucks are on pace for 60. Combined. Jus' sayin'. Daniel's goal was beautiful. I love, in the clip above, how you can see him make the drop pass then just take off across the ice and down the far wing. The camera crew last night had some questionable moments, but this is excellent camera work.
• Speaking of the crew, did the Sportsnet guys forget there was a game last night? Explain to me why the intermission segments were all recycled from the Prospects camp, for goodness sakes. I've seen more original material from Carlos Mencia.
  
• How can you tell I'm in a bad mood? I'm taking cheapshots at bad comedians, as though their lives weren't worthless enough already. The only thing you contribute to society is humour, and you're terrible at it.
  
• As a Canucks fan during the Vigneault era, there is nothing more infuriating than when the team is stinking up the joint and, coming out of the second intermission, Vigneault debuts new lines which are akin to throwing in the towel. It's like throwing rotten tomatoes at the fans. Skeeter was teasing that we'd probably see Tanner Glass on the third line, a very specific pet peeve of mine, but AV went one step further and punched us right in my fansack: Peter Schaefer on the second line? Really? He's done nothing to merit a trip to the scoring lines. That's like rewarding a guy just for existing, and I thought only Glen Sather did that. Earlier in the game, Skeeter noted, "I'm ready to see Peter Schaefer on the fourth line." And I agree. He's a checker who accomplishes very little five-on-five. On the penalty kill, he's excellent, but that's about it. He doesn't create scoring chances, and playing him with a struggling Ryan Kesler is kind of like putting a guy on a sugar-free diet while injecting him with maple syrup.
• Know who does create offense? Kevin Bieksa. I can only speak for myself, as Skeeter is much more reasonable about these things, but... here's the thing. I'm already sick of Bieksa. I know AV likes the offense he creates--problem is, so does the other team. Bieksa was a minus-2 on the night, got beat on the 2-on-2 with Kopitar (who beats Bieksa with such regularity you'd think they were Ike & Tina), and made a number of boneheaded plays and turnovers. I think Bieksa plays for the Canucks too much (and I'm not talking about minutes). It's four games in and it's apparent that the only thing he's got going for him is that, apparently, he creates offense. This despite the fact we're not getting any right now, and that his created offense is available to everybody, like a mother's love. Vigneault on the Kings' third goal: "It was a simple 2-on-2 and two of their good players (Kopitar and Brown) beat our two good defencemen (Bieksa and Hamhuis) and that's going to happen." Fair. But have you noticed how often it happens with Bieksa? He leads the team in giveaways, and while there's really no distance between him and the others in that category, it's still indicative of his overall play that he's already at the top of the list.
  
• Speaking of line juggling, is there some reason Mikael Samuelsson is not allowed to go back on the second line? Is there a rift? Did he say something drastic and profane to Kesler, as he tends to do? Last game I pointed out that Raymond and Kesler are struggling to score and Samuelsson was the best fit for them last season. Tonight, going into the third period, Samuelsson was finally taken off the first line and placed: on the third line. Meanwhile, Mason Raymond was bumped up to the first line. I feel like I follow this team closer than our coach does. Everybody knows Raymond's style does not work with the Sedins. Infuriating.
  
• Also infuriating on a night like tonight: John Garrett, when he's not talking about goaltending. At one point, he suggested Raymond and Kesler just needed to get a few lucky bounces, and then the lucky bounces a regular goal scorer gets would start to come. That's right: you need to get lucky to be lucky.
• I, for one, am tired of the Canucks' slow starts in October. I'm glad, however, that Luongo is playing noticeably well, because now we can see that the problem hasn't been him. It's been that, for some reason, the whole team isn't ready to play come October. That's got to be on coaching, though I'm not calling to fire Vigneault (despite all my basest urges on a bewilderingly bad night like tonight).
  
• What was up with Raffi Torres tonight? A team-low minus-3, and two absolutely boneheaded penalties to sap all possible momentum in the third period. Raffi, I declare you the team's second-string whipping boy. Whip.
• I'm pretty choked, but I urge you all not to panic. If we win the next game, we're 2-2-1, which is the same record Chicago has right now. That means we're the same as Chicago, and they just won the cup so, if we win the next game, we win the cup. Then we can finally tell the smug 1915 Vancouver Millionaires to shut up.
  
• The Beckhams were in the audience. I didn't care. If the earth had opened up and sucked them both into the soul-logged waters of the River Styx, I might have cared. But they managed to stay on the surface of the earth, so I shrug my shoulders at their continued existence.
• I muchly enjoyed the fight between Simmonds and Alberts. Sidebar: it's four games in and we haven't seen Rypien turbofist anybody. This is why we're losing. Rypien fighting is the fastest way to get your team's momentum bar to fill all the way up.
• And finally, as Missy pointed out, it's only October. As the angel Gabriel once said, "Be not afraid.... btw you're pregnant with God's baby."