Running Out of Time, Canucks Call Up Cody Hodgson

Surprise news this morning, as the Canucks announced that they had called top prospect Cody Hodgson up from the Manitoba Moose. Hodgson will be meeting the team in Dallas, and Ian Walker has tweeted that he'll likely play, suiting up as the fourth-line centre and bumping Tanner Glass back to his natural position on the wing.

Fans are excited to see Hodgson finally make his regular season debut with the Canucks, but they're also a bit confused by the timing. Hodgson is recovering from a broken orbital bone that caused him to miss six weeks, and is still wearing a full shield to protect his face.

Worse, in four games since returning to the Moose lineup, Hodgson has 0 goals, 0 assists, and is a minus-2. This from a guy that was the Moose leading scorer before his injury. He's had 10 shots, but if he's not scoring and he's not coming down on the plus side, fans are right to wonder: why now?

In truth, it's either now or never (never being next season). I would wager that the team was days away from calling Hodgson up before he broke his cheekbone, and that the timing of that injury couldn't have been worse. Now, they can't afford to wait any longer.

We're just under a month away from the NHL trading deadline, and Cody Hodgson is quite nearly the only guy on the farm with NHL potential that hasn't seen a turn in the big leagues, especially among possible fourth-line centres. The Canucks have said numerous times this season they want all those guys to get some big-league experience, but they're also auditioning prospects to see what the organization has, and what they need.

Furthermore, if Hodgson can't play centre at this level, Mike Gillis likely needs to acquire somebody via trade. None of their fourth-line centre candidates have worked, and the team doesn't want to go into the playoffs without one. Since these moves don't happen overnight, Gillis needs time to begin seriously putting something together. He needs to see Hodgson now, in order to formulate a plan going forward. If Hodgson can show he's an NHL centre, then the Canucks can stand pat.

There's an additional benefit. If Hodgson shows he can play at this level, the Canucks could move him into a larger role. Most of the Canucks' forwards aren't scoring, and it's a genuine cause for concern. An injection of youthful skill might be the antidote. The Canucks appear to be in need of one more scorer. If Hodgson, a convertible centre, can be that guy, team depth will have increased exponentially. A best-case scenario might be that Hodgson gets promoted to third-line centre duty, while Malhotra moves down, making the Canucks' exceptionally deep down the middle, like last year's Blackhawks.

Another possibility is that Hodgson winds up on the wing in the top nine and the Canucks get a fourth-line centre after all, knowing there's no need for an upgrade anywhere else in the forwards corps. Much to the chagrin of Gillis and Vigneault, auditions for Kesler's wing remain open.

What Cody Hodgson can be to this team this season remains to be seen, especially since he doesn't appear to be back in top form. But the Canucks can't wait any longer.

Causes For Concern, For the Canucks Fan That Knows No Other Way

Don't Panic, Canucks Fans. There Are Still Plenty of Reasons to Panic.

Welcome to the stretch drive, the unpredictable and unstable back half of the NHL regular season. With All-Star weekend now in the rearview, the next break in the schedule is the part where it ends, and the looming conclusion to the campaign is enough to send teams and their fans into a tizzy. A win streak or an untimely losing skid can alter one's position faster than drawing a character card in Candyland. With so much on the line, the questions can come fast and furious. Are we good enough? Are we tough enough? Do we have enough depth? It's a nervous time.

Canucks fans should be used to this by now: we go through it every year. But, this year is different. This year, the Canucks appear to be in good standing, and there are seemingly few reasons to panic. Longtime fans could be forgiven for not quite knowing what to do with themselves. PITB is here for you. In the past, we've tried to inject perspective into the fanbase by Babcocking the Canucks, but this time, we need not dream up doomsday scenarios willy-nilly. These are real concerns. Here, for your masochistic pleasure, are a myriad of reasons to caress that familiar panic button--enough worries to make this whole situation feel delightfully familiar. Pure, abject terror after the jump.

Can the Canucks really win the President's Trophy? Vancouver has never finished on top of the league. Despite sharing the top spot, for the moment, with Philadelphia, they'll likely have to close out the season in record-setting fashion to keep it. The Canucks are currently on pace for an 112-point season. So are the Flyers. Can they hold them off? If not, can they win the Western Conference? Neither have the Canucks ever accomplished this feat. They currently hold a respectable 5-point lead over the second place Detroit Red Wings, but the Red Wings have won the West six times in their history, and twice in the last three years. When it comes to winning the conference, they have experience the Canucks don't.

How about that fourth line? This season alone, 12 separate guys have started a game in one of the three spots on the Canucks' fourth line. Some of these guys don't even play in the NHL anymore. The line has yet to develop any consistency or identity. The team has effectively gone the entire season without a fourth-line center. At times it's seemed like the Canucks have no idea what they want from the position at all.

Rick Rypien remains on leave for personal reasons. Will he come back? Will he come back in playing shape? Does the team even want him back? Will Alex Bolduc return? If he does, can he stay healthy? Is Aaron Volpatti ready for the playoff grind? In last year's playoffs, coach Alain Vigneault basically benched the entire fourth line in favour of a three-line rotation. The Canucks have said they don't want to repeat this, but with the questions surrounding their fourth line, one has to wonder how they'll suddenly become comfortable with the guys they've got. Apart from Tanner Glass, nobody appears to have the coach's trust.

The organization has called up Cody Hodgson. Is he going to play? Are they going to try him as the fourth-line center? I wonder if this is a bit of a gambit to see if the Canucks have an internal candidate before Mike Gillis targets a fourth-line center at the trading deadline. Every other guy on the farm who might be capable of filling the spot has seen a look, and nobody's stuck. Hodgson's really the last possible option down there. If he doesn't pan out this season, what's next?

What about the rest of the forward corps? The third line hasn't scored since the Jurassic period, and Ryan Kesler's linemates from last season have not been able to duplicate their success. Mason Raymond has gone cold, and Mikael Samuelsson has been spotty, leaving Kesler without a real scoring threat on his wing. He'll be an easy target in the playoffs if, when he's on the ice, he's the only forward teams have to worry about.

There are questions surrounding Kesler too. Kesler has a tendency to improve drastically in the back half of NHL seasons. The Canucks would dearly benefit from a continuation of this trend, but Kesler's really in uncharted waters here. He's an All-Star center now. He's third in the league in goals scored, having already surpassed his career-high in this regard. He and Daniel Sedin have scored nearly one-third of the Canucks' goals. The success of the team depends on Kesler continuing his torrid pace. Can he? Will Gillis make a splash at the deadline and perhaps acquire another scoring forward as insurance, or to complement him?

And once we're doing worrying about the forwards, let's look to the defense, where one could be forgiven for thinking things look somewhat bleak. Alex Edler has undergone a microdiskectomy and is projected to miss somewhere between eight weeks and the rest of the season. Will he return? If he does, will he return to form? What if he doesn't come back at all? A primary ingredient of the Canucks' success this season has been the consistency of their top two defensive pairings. Can the Canucks overcome the shake-up?

Can Keith Ballard fill in while Edler's away? Is either Chris Tanev or Lee Sweatt an NHL regular? They say Sami Salo is making strides, but he's still not strong enough to return. Nobody's certain he ever will be. Will Salo play this season at all? If Gillis feels that neither Salo nor Edler are going to return this season, does he trust the other guys to get it done or does he turn his attention to acquiring another depth defenceman?

HAVE YOU PRESSED THE PANIC BUTTON YET?

If not, good for you, because I think we're gonna be okay.

Ryan Kesler Uncovers Shocking All-Star Game Bribery Conspiracy Among League Officials

Even in an all-star game, Ryan Kesler takes his assistant captaincy seriously enough to question a call. Here's Kes, mic'd up for Versus, asking referee Kevin Pollock about his decision to blow the whistle. The ref's response? "Twenty bucks for the first guy that blew an offside." Funny stuff.

Hat tip to Sean Leahy at Puck Daddy for uncovering the clip.

Daniel Sedin, Henrik Sedin, and Ryan Kesler at the Skills Competition

Courtesy of the invaluable and highly beloved CanucksHD, the dedicated Youtuber who is to blogging what the flux capacitor is to time travel, here are the Canucks-related highlights from the NHL Skills Competition. They reinforce three things we might have already known:

1. Ryan Kesler's pretty fast. But you already knew that. He can make five million dollars and a baby in the same day.
2. Daniel Sedin is mighty accurate. I know you knew that too, but did you know he was the most accurate guy in hockey? Eklund is, of course, a close second.
3. Henrik Sedin enjoys all types of passing, but his first love is the saucer pass. We've long suspected it might be an addiction. Once, at thanksgiving dinner, Daniel asked him to pass the mashed potatoes and Henrik launched a spoonful over the gravy boat, right onto his plate.

Anyway. I like these guys, I think they're good, let's keep them.

Phil Kessel Was Picked Last, Not Picked On

After much speculation about who would get picked last at the NHL All-Star Draft, Phil Kessel suffered the ignominy of being the final guy. For the concerned: he'll live. In fact, I thought the only embarrassing thing about Kessel's turn as Mr. Irrelevant was the way the NHL tried to pacify him. In an infuriating bit of babying, host James Duthie coaxed an ovation out of the audience, verbally consoled Kessel (who couldn't have cared less) and then gifted him $20,000 to a charity of his choice as well as a brand new 2011 Honda CR-Z.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, the hundreds of children picked last in schoolyards across the country that day were given nothing, save a wedgie and an insecurity complex. Come on. These are NHL players, not grade-schoolers. Picked last does not mean picked on, and this was a room full of grown men capable of making that distinction. By reaching to console Phil Kessel, the NHL turned a relatable moment into another instance of millionaire ego-stroking.

Kessel didn't need to be given any consolation prizes. He was already at the All-Star Game. Know who wasn't? Tanner Glass. Where's his car?

Simply being invited was good enough for Kessel, and he said as much to Duthie. Not mentioned, but also a fairly decent consolation, was the fact that Kessel makes $5.4 Million a year, and if he wanted a new car, he could have paid cash for one. I hate talking about player salaries, but Kessel really didn't need that car, and you could tell by his reaction. Have you seen what happens when normal people are given a car? Their heart explodes. Did you see what happened when Phil Kessel was given a car? He smiled appreciatively, like he'd been given a gift card to Denny's.

It was a startling lack of perspective for the NHL to A) showcase Kessel's corresponding lack of perspective and B) take a very human moment like being picked last and turn it into another example of the divide between athletes and normal people. Most kids who are picked last can be consoled with a trip to Marble Slab Creamery. For a millionaire athlete, however, it had to be much more extravagant than that. Granted, they tried to balance it out by giving Kessel twenty grand to donate to charity, but that's about as meaningful as being given a Christmas present by your baby brother. Yes, I'm sure he picked this out himself.

These guys are still role models, after all. Considering the audience for this event was likely a lot of younger kids, I would have much preferred for the NHL to simply show what a good sport Kessel was being. Everything after that was overkill.

**********

That said, if the event lost some of its relatability with this moment, we can thank Alex Ovechkin for saving the day. The highlight of the draft: Ovechkin's sheer glee at Kessel sitting alone--an image so comical to him he snapped a picture with his phone. Hilarious. Part of Ovechkin's charm is that, despite being one of the best hockey players on the planet, he's also plainly human. His parents live with him; he often gets caught sneaking a peek at the ladies; he can't dance. Heck, is there anything more human than the place where schadenfreude and camera phones intersect? That exact place is where the Internet was born.

From the Archives: Let the NHL All-Star Game Stay Meaningless

Way back in November, well in advance of the NHL's announcements regarding changes to this year's All-Star game, I made a pitch for an All-Star format very similar to the one we're about to see.

Before you get too worked up, I should clarify that nobody stole my idea. It turned out that Brendan Shanahan had pitched the idea about six months earlier at the annual NHL GM meetings. But, though I didn't get flown out to New York and given a job as an idea man, I was excited to know I would see my idea implemented nonetheless.

A summary of my argument is as follows: the All-Star Game is completely meaningless, and by its very nature, it has to be. But, meaningless though it is, that doesn't mean it can't also be fun. Hockey is fun. The NHL players like to have fun. I wanted the NHL to drop the desperate efforts to give some edge to the game and, instead, ratchet up the efforts to make the game more fun.

I felt like having player captains pick their teams--a pond hockey throwback--was one way to toss out the austerity and celebrate the game. That's effectively what they're doing. That said, you'll see in the article that I would have done a few things differently. I would have kept it simpler, and I thought it was useless to let fans vote for a starting six rather than the team captains. But these are small quibbles; the basic idea remains the same. Take a gander at Let the NHL All-Star Game Stay Meaningless, an original PITB article.

| Continue Reading |

Burrows Interviews Bieksa, Unwittingly Reveals Himself as Passionate Romantic

If you haven't seen this fantastic video of Alex Burrows interviewing Kevin Bieksa from ESPN.com, you are missing out. It is remarkably hilarious.

Many stick taps and gloved taps on the helmet to Nucks Misconduct.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Predators, January 26, 2011

Canucks 2 - 1 Predators

With a win versus Nashville last night, the Canucks go into All-Star weekend having collected at least one point in 27 of their last 30 games. Yes, that's the stat Don Taylor reported postgame on Sportsnet Connected, and I want to take a moment to marvel at it. Consider that this stat--this very positive stat--incorporates the points from the amazing mini-slump that now seems so long ago, and ignores the fact those games were eventually lost. Remember when they were cause for concern? Now they're just part of an extremely positive stat. You'd think the Canucks had been rolling, uninterrupted, for months.

It's incredible to me what shootouts and overtime points do to perception. A four-game losing streak can be a four-game point streak at the same time. Typically, only one side is reported, and the fires of the fanbase are stoked by a few well-placed omissions. It's silly, and maybe a little dishonest, too. Well, I'm here to tell you that, if we at PITB stand for anything, it's hardcore honesty. For example: truth be told, I watched this game:

• Roberto Luongo was rightly named the game's first star tonight. He made 26 saves, several of the category spectacular, and one of the category wowie zowie. For those that have forgotten the transformative power of new goaltending coach Rollie Melanson, consider how deep Luongo is in his crease for the Joel Ward kick save. Last year, that gets past Funny Bob before he has time to react. In fact, there were a few tonight that might have. Instead, Luongo was in the right place at the right time all night (except on the goal against, when he accidentally went swimming at a nearby leisure center).
  

• Jeff Paterson is absolutely correct, too. You hear a lot about Luongo when he plays badly, and very little when he plays well. This speaks to how expectations warp our satisfaction. The moral of the story? Never try. Keep expectations low and you're more likely to impress.

• Of course, the real question about Luongo isn't whether or not he's going to stellar. It's whether or not he's going to come out and give away his goalie stick. After singlehandedly keeping his team in the game, he owes us that much. If you'll recall, he skipped the last two star twirls to be privately upset, but he made up for it tonight, giving away three goalie sticks. Why not four, I say? Why couldn't he make it seven? I think Luongo should give away a Sportchek.

• Your game-winning goal scorer? Lee Sweatt, the defensive call-up so comically undertall that teammates were chanting "Rudy! Rudy!" as he was suiting up. Frankly, though, after scoring on his first shot in his first NHL game, Lucky might have been a better moniker. Brad Lukowich and Wade Brookbank can attest to being the fortunate son that gets to receive a pass from the Sedins, too, especially one as pretty as Daniel's. Give Sweatt credit for the shot, though. He couldn't have picked a better spot. Into the net is always the best spot to pick. I also loved his goal celebration. What's the old saying? Act like you've been there before. Lady Gaga is jealous of that poker face. James Bond, too. Sweatt played a grand total of 8:49 in this game. In that time, he was on the ice for both Canucks goals and none against. He was bouncing off checks a little bit, but that's to be expected. You can't expect a much better effort in a guy's first NHL game.

• That said, sometimes it's a bit of a shame that scoring the game-winner automatically means a three star selection. Sweatt was in the right place at the right time, but he definitely didn't have a better overall game than Alex Burrows. Burrows scored the crucial game-tying goal with a tip and a rebound, nearly identical to the game-winner he scored in San Jose at the beginning of the month. Furthermore, while he didn't get an assist on the game-winner, that was him causing the turnover to Daniel Sedin when he knocked Joel Ward off the puck.

• Plus, Burrows was the star of the night's most hilarious story: his ongoing battle to get into Shane O'Brien kitchen. O'Brien had a game-high seven hits tonight, and I'm pretty sure six and a half were on Burrows. The camera crew caught them chirping back and forth all night, and they were having a whale of a time doing it. Burrows: f*** you, Shane! Ha ha, but seriously, can I get a ride home? In the night's finest moment, Shane O'Brien dragged Burrows to the ice, then trampled him a little for sport. Burrows went for his instinctual shot to the groin, but upon remembering he and Shane O'Brien were pals, he relented, giving SOB's jollies a kindly pat instead. Graeme Horton snapped a pic. Kudos to Burrows for being considerate enough to remember there's a lot less to do at the Roxy when your testicles are bruised.

• That said, Burrows missed an empty net in the game's final minute. Unacceptable. Do we really want him?
  

• With an assist on the Lee Sweatt goal, Daniel Sedin is now three points up on his brother for the team scoring lead. Out for blood. Even Beatrix Kiddo is alarmed at his need for retribution.

• Get this: Keith Ballard led the Canucks in icetime. It's true. Ballard was on the ice for a team-high 23:53. How did this happen? Originally, he remained paired with Tanev and seemed again headed for bottom-pairing minutes, but Christian Ehrhoff (who Vigneault played for over nine minutes in the first and clearly wanted to ride), was running around like crazy. It was a tad irresponsible; there were shifts where it looked like Ehrhoff though he was playing right wing, and you can't do that when you're paired with a guy playing his first NHL game. I don't think Vigneault was comfortable with Sweatt as the lone man back when Ehrhoff jumped, so Ballard was reassigned to keep an eye on things. That's right. Between his initial pairing with Tanev and his new job keeping Ehrhoff honest, Keith Ballard has become this team's babysitter. He's the Canucks' answer to Rosalyn.

• Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis also stepped in to fill a need, as he often does. He had some first unit powerplay time, he attempted a game-high 9 shots, and he played a team-high 30 shifts. He also had 2 hits, two takeaways, and 3 blocked shots. As usual, you hardly noticed anything he did. Two of his shifts were at the nearby children's hospital.

• Give the Canucks credit for winning da turd tonight. After allowing an early goal, they took over the final frame. They had discipline: after 3 penalties in first and 2 in the second, the team avoided taking any penalties in the third. They applied pressure, outshooting the Predators 17 to 7. In fact, after being outshot 12-4 in first, the Canucks responded well by outshooting Nashville 31-15 through the rest of the game.

• That's even more impressive when you consider Nashville blocked 19 shots tonight. Give them credit, but make sure you give a ton to Shane O'Brien, who gives his teammates shot-blocking practice at nightclubs: Shane, I think you've had enough.

• Chris Tanev played 11:26 tonight, including 1:47 of shorthanded time on ice. He has earned Vigneault's trust remarkably quickly. Good for him. Let's hope he doesn't make like M. Night Shyamalan and coast on that early goodwill until it becomes apparent we'll have to kill him to get rid of him.
  

• And finally: you've gotta feel bad for the Nashville line of Jarred Smithson, Nick Spaling, and Joel Ward. They were on the ice for both Canuck goals, and they came on back-to-back shifts. Impressively, they got two more after that, and more impressively, they didn't give up goals during either of them.

Alex Edler to Undergo Back Surgery

Backbreaking news for fans still basking in the glow of last night's solid victory over the Nashville Predators, as it has been announced that Alex Edler's back spasms that kept him out of the game are more serious than initially thought. Edler will undergo micro discectomy surgery on his back and will be out indefinitely.

While Lee Sweatt performed admirably in his absence, scoring the game-winning goal and finishing +2, he still had under 9 minutes of icetime and often seemed overmatched physically. Keith Ballard, on the other hand, stepped up and played a team-high 23:53, boosted by Ehrhoff missing some shifts to get stitches after getting whacked in the face by Ryan Kesler. With Aaron Rome and Andrew Alberts still out of commission, this latest wrinkle forces the Canucks to contend with a depleted blueline that may require further call-ups from the Manitoba Moose and more ice-time from the maligned Ballard.

Alternatively, with Edler sure to go on long-term injured reserve and the all-star game providing a brief break in the schedule, this may be the time to push Sami Salo harder in practice to see if he is ready to slot back into the lineup. The need to clear salary to fit Salo under the cap has suddenly disappeared.

Update: Edler's back surgeon, Dr. Marcel Weird Keyboard Dvorak, has suggested that Edler should recover in 8 to 10 weeks. Edler's surgery is scheduled for Monday, which would put his potential return at March 28th to April 11th if Dr. Dvorak is correct. The Canucks' final game of the regular season will be April 9th, meaning Edler could still return in time for the playoffs.

Quotes Taken Out of Context: SOB Edition Three

"Burr can't get into my kitchen - he can never get in my kitchen."

- Shane O'Brien, January 26, 2011

Your Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet, 2010-11 Season

Raymond = Fast

Last year, we introduced the inaugural Canucks Bandwagon cheat sheet to give aid to the less informed, less involved fan who wanted to feel a part of the Canucks' playoff run. Unfortunately, two weeks later, the Canucks were eliminated by the Blackhawks, and the cheat sheet was forgotten.

It's eight months later, however, and the Canucks are once again the talk of the town. They've vaulted to the top of the NHL standings; Bodog thinks they're the odds-on favourite to win the Stanley Cup; the buzz is palpable. Its fair-weather for fans, which often means an onslaught of fairweather fans. But if you're going to be a Canucks fan, the last thing you want is to be smoked out as a bandwagoner. Diehard fans don't take kindly to conditional ones.

So how do you pass for a lifer? You need to know your team. And that's where PITB comes in. This year's Bandwagon Canucks Fan Cheat Sheet--a geyser of valuable information--will tell you everything you need to know about the Vancouver Canucks roster.

:::::::::::::::::::: FORWARDS ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Alex Bolduc

About: Bolduc wears #49 and plays center. He is continually cast as the Canucks' fourth-line center, but he only seems to get in a handful of games before he's injured. We know very little about him, because we aren't the Canucks' medical staff.

Nickname(s): Duker

My wife thinks he looks like: Howard Moon, jazz maverick.

If he touches the puck, he's not likely to make a crisp pass to a winger. Even on a 2-on-1, he has admitted to having no idea where his linemates are.

Expect to hear: "I'm not sure about Bolduc. I don't like the way his shoulder explodes when he takes a faceoff."

Don't expect to hear: "No one has vision like Bolduc."

Name: Alexandre Burrows

About: Burrows wears #14 and plays right wing on the Canucks' top line. He's a former ball hockey champion. He's often a triggerman for the Sedins. They say he goes to the dirty areas; this can be taken multiple ways. He spends a lot of time in front of the net, but he also might spear an opponent in the groin, and there are few areas dirtier than the groin.

Nickname(s): Burr, Frack, The Wayne Gretzky of Ball Hockey

My wife thinks he looks like: The Muppet Show's Sam Eagle. It's the eyebrows.

If he touches the puck, he's about a millisecond away from taking a crosscheck to the back. I suspect he's just really fun to crosscheck. His primary job on the top line is to get crosschecked by everyone while Henrik and Daniel score. He's catnip.

Expect to hear: "Win da turd!" "That's a slewfoot!" "Ha ha, Burrows doesn't speak any language well."

Don't expect to hear: "Burrows is such a fluid skater it's a wonder he ever falls down."

Name: Tanner Glass

About: Glass wears #15 and plays wing, mostly. He also plays Scrabble. He's been known to fight a bear or two. He loves tootsie rolls. He went to Dartmouth. Goals are an unexpected bonus with Glass; he's a gritty, defensive forward known for his responsible play.

Nickname(s): The Scrabble Champ, Timothy Treadwell

My wife thinks he looks like: If Gerard Butler and Luke Wilson somehow had a baby.

If he touches the puck, you're about to witness a textbook dump and chase.

Expect to hear: "Glass is the cornerstone of our fourth-line."

Don't expect to hear: "That Glass is loaded with offensive upside."

Name: Jannik Hansen

About: Hansen wears #36 and plays wing. He's a speedy, versatile forward who has spent time on every Canucks' line this season. He seems most at home in the bottom six, where he isn't relied on to score and his standout defensive and forechecking abilities can shine.

Nickname(s): The Great Dane, Beaker

My wife thinks he looks like: Beaker.

If he touches the puck, it's a poke check. You could pass it to him and he'd still find a way to poke check it.

Expect to hear: "Hansen is the far and away the best forechecker on the team."

Don't expect to hear: "I really like the rich baritone of Jannik Hansen's speaking voice."

Name: Ryan Kesler

About: Kesler wears #17 and plays center. He's in the midst of a breakout season. He takes hockey very seriously. He's rumoured to have an adamantium skeleton.

Nickname(s): Kes, Frick, Bull

My wife thinks he looks like: The late Jeff Buckley.

If he touches the puck, someone, somewhere will argue he deserves the Hart trophy.

Expect to hear: "Kesler is the heart and soul of this team."

Don't expect to hear: "Kesler is the heart and soul of this improv team."

Name: Manny Malhotra

About: Malhotra wears #27 and plays center on the Canucks' third line. He's one of the best faceoff men in the league. His skills as a shutdown center have earned Selke consideration this season.

Nickname(s): The Manimal, Alternate Captain Mal

My wife thinks he looks like: Stanley Tucci.

If he touches the puck, hope it's on a faceoff. He knows what to do there. Hope it's not on an odd-man rush. He's a little less clear in that situation.

Expect to hear: "Another faceoff win by Malhotra. The guy's a machine."

Don't expect to hear: "I don't see how this guy's an upgrade on Kyle Wellwood."

Name: Mason Raymond

About: Raymond wears #21 and plays wing on the Canucks' second line. He's terribly fast. When he's on his game he's a major scoring threat. When he's not, he's the skinny guy from NES Ice Hockey, infuriatingly circling the zone. He's a tad bland, and chillingly inconspicuous. Sometimes, he simply is not there.

Nickname(s): MayRay, Lame-O Raymo, Bambi, Dimples, Zippy McLowpercentageshot

My wife thinks he looks like: An adorable baby.

If he touches the puck, he'll probably take it wide and circle the zone.

Expect to hear: "Raymond needs to go to the dirty areas."

Don't expect to hear: "If I were him, I'd stay to the perimeter, where it's safer."

Name: Mikael Samuelsson

About: Samuelsson wears #26 and plays wing. He shoots the puck a lot. He speaks his mind. He's the lone Canuck regular to have won a Stanley Cup. Like many Swedes, he plays in direct opposition to conventional hockey wisdom, and somehow, it works for him. Swedish players are the bumblebees of ice hockey.

Nickname(s): Sammy, Mikael McShooterson, The Logo Hunter

My wife thinks he looks like: The Swedish Chef.

If he touches the puck: The crest of the opposing goaltender's jersey will likely get the next touch.

Expect to hear: "What a strange time to shoot."

Don't expect to hear: "I've heard Sweden is quite fond of Samuelsson."

Name: Daniel Sedin

About: Daniel wears #22 and plays wing. He's kind of amazing. He's the twin brother of Henrik Sedin. He's driven by competitive rage. He once spent a month working for Santa.

Nickname(s): Danny, Dank, Brother Daniel, Assistant Captain Hook, Pinky, Kang.

My wife thinks he looks like: Henrik Sedin.

If he touches the puck: Brace yourself for wizardry. Or one pass too many, depending on whether or not the puck can get through the maze of skates.

Expect to hear: "Wizardous Sedinerie!"

Don't expect to hear: "If only he'd made one more pass."

Name: Henrik Sedin

About: Henrik wears #33 and plays center. He's the reigning Art Ross and Hart trophy winner and captain of the Vancouver Canucks. He currently leads the league in assists. He is always one step ahead of his brother. For instance: it looks like he'll be the first one to go bald.

Nickname(s): Hank, Captain Hook, The Brain, Kodos

My wife thinks he looks like: Daniel Sedin. It's uncanny.

If he touches the puck, expect a no-look backpass. Even if he's on a breakaway.

Expect to hear: "What a pass by Henrik!"

Don't expect to hear: "Henrik's playing like crap. That's his fourth assist on the night, but they're all second assists."

Name: Jeff Tambellini

About: Tambellini wears #10 and plays wing. He's the son of Edmonton Oilers general manager Steve Tambellini. He's a small, lightning-fast and versatile forward who has defied the odds and earned a spot in the lineup. He's listed at 5'10", a generous exaggeration, much like Ke$ha being sold in "music" stores.

Nickname(s): Tamby

My wife thinks he looks like: Former Canuck Ryan Johnson.

If he touches the puck, hope he's in his Magic Shooty Spot. He's money from there.

Expect to hear: "Can you believe the Islanders couldn't find ice time for this guy?"

Don't expect to hear: "He's so fast and small, he's difficult to follow on the ice. What if we put a microchip in him, so he would glow?"

Name: Raffi Torres

About: Torres wears #13 and plays wing. He has a fondness for bone-crunching hits. Torres has three modes. 1) skateskateskateskate 2) get puck and 3) put puck. He often doesn't put much consideration into his methods, though get puck usually involves sub-mode ram.

Nickname(s): Raffi Torrid, the Eyebrowless Ginger. But really, his given name is Raffi. Why bother with silly nicknames?

My wife thinks he looks like: Bubba the Caveduck. Also, confusion personified.

If he touches the puck, hope it's a tip in front. He's good at that. Hope it isn't while carrying the puck across the blue line. Nobody breaks up an odd-man rush like Torres.

Expect to hear: "Torres is a human bowling ball."

Don't expect to hear: "I think Torres is overthinking things."

Name: Aaron Volpatti

About: Volpatti wears #54 and plays wing. He's a fourth-line guy who plays with an edge and hits everything in sight. He's incredibly sneaky. Like Tanner Glass, he's an Ivy Leaguer; he did four years at Brown University. Just like Brown is Dartmouth-lite (at least when comparing basic science facilities, y'all), Volpatti is Tanner Glass-lite.

Nickname(s): Peppermint, the Volpaddy Wagon

My wife thinks he looks like: Jake Ryan, from Sixteen Candles.

If he touches the puck, you're probably at an open practice, watching a drill. That doesn't happen during games.

Expect to hear: "Big hit by Volpatti!"

Don't expect to hear: "Volpatti scores!"

:::::::::::::::::::: DEFENSEMEN ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Andrew Alberts

About: Alberts wears #41. He's a 6'5" defenseman that loves to take the body. After a rough start in Vancouver, he worked on his game in the offseason and did well to make the team out of training camp. He's a solid bottom-pairing guy that will make a forward think twice about putting his head down.

Nickname(s): Andy Alby, AHLberts, NHLberts, A Minor, Barabbas

My wife thinks he looks like: Dennis Duffy, ex-boyfriend of 30 Rock's Liz Lemon and the last pager salesman in New York.

If he touches the puck, pray it's a brief touch. If this touch last longer than two seconds, he's on his ass and the opponent just got the puck back.

Expect to hear: "What a hit by Alberts!"

Don't expect to hear: "That Alberts has wheels."

Name: Keith Ballard

About: Ballard wears #4. The Canucks acquired him this offseason by trading away a first-round pick, which is a bigger deal now that the Canucks seem to know what to do with first-round picks. Ballard makes over four million a season, which is scandalous, considering he's the 5th defenseman. Ballard loves to skate the puck out of the zone. The only thing he loves more is pranks. He's a noted prankster, who once hilariously climbed into Kevin Bieksa's hockey bag. He also once hilariously bludgeoned his goaltender with his stick.

Nickname(s): Hips, Pranky, Power Ballard

My wife thinks he looks like: Snatch's Mickey O'Neil.

If he touches the puck, hope he doesn't make a mistake with it, or Vigneault will make him sit on his hands for the rest of the game.

Expect to hear: "What a hip check."

Don't expect to hear: "I'm comfortable paying $4.2 million for fifteen minutes of Keith Ballard."

Name: Kevin Bieksa

About: Bieksa wears #3. He's the most divisive defenseman Vancouver has had in some time. At his best, he could fit comfortably into any team's top four. At his worst, he does the double slide. Still, after fully recovering from two freak skate cuts that really set back his game, Bieksa's playing his best hockey, and once-skeptical fans are beginning to fall back in love.

Nickname(s): Juice, Boom Boom Bieksa

My wife thinks he looks like: Kevin Bieksa's brother.

If he touches the puck: He probably just pinched along the boards to keep the puck in. Nobody pinches as frequently as Kevin Bieksa. He's the grandma of the NHL.

Expect to hear: "Trade Bieksa! No wait, keep Bieksa!"

Don't expect to hear: "I never doubted this guy for a second."

Name: Alex Edler

About: Edler wears #23 and just might be the Canucks' number one defenseman. He's certainly the most well-rounded, capable of jumping into the rush, quarterbacking a power play, and playing a physical game. Like most Swedes, Edler hardly emotes, but consider that he has a reputation as an unemotional guy in a dressing room full of Swedes. In short, he's a cold, callous monster.

Nickname(s): Iceman, Robot, Dexter Morgan, Eddie

My wife thinks he looks like: Nick Carter.

If he touches the puck, hope he cranks it. He's got the hardest slap shot on the team.

Expect to hear: "Edler has remarkable versatility."

Don't expect to hear: "Edler has remarkable versatility as a dramatic actor."

Name: Christian Ehrhoff

About: Ehrhoff wears #5 and is one half of the Canucks' most offense-oriented defensive pairing, with Alex Edler. Ehrhoff is faster and less physical of the two, and loves to jump into the rush.

Nickname(s): Error, Hoffer, Blastoff, The Hoff

My wife thinks he looks like: John Robinson of Gus Van Sant's Elephant.

If he touches the puck, he has interpreted this touch as an open invitation to join the rush. He's gone.

Expect to hear: "Ehrhoff's caught up ice."

Don't expect to hear: "Nobody develops better hockey players than Germany."

Name: Dan Hamhuis

About: Hamhuis wears #2 and is one half of the Canucks' shutdown defensive pairing, with Kevin Bieksa. Hamhuis is a stay-at-home type who makes smart plays, has a good stick, and moves the puck out of the zone quickly. He's a strait-laced guy who does things quietly and admirably, both on and off the ice. He's noted for his Christianity and charity work.

Nickname(s): The Hammer, Hammy

My wife thinks he looks like: He's got a bit of a Mark Ruffalo thing going on.

If he touches the puck, he'll make a crisp pass out of the zone and you probably won't even notice.

Expect to hear: "Did you hear Hamhuis took less to play here? Only 4.5 million, what a guy."

Don't expect to hear: "I think Hamhuis really needs to step up his community efforts and renounce Satan."

Name: Aaron Rome

About: Rome wears #29 and is typically the seventh defenseman on the Canucks' depth chart. He's not really good at anything, but he also doesn't make a lot of mistakes. He's a solid depth guy.

Nickname(s): Aaron "Aaron Rome" Rome

My wife thinks he looks like: Launchpad McQuack.

If he touches the puck, he'll make the safe play. Rome is so conservative he doesn't school opponents--he homeschools opponents.

Expect to hear: "Aaron Rome banks the puck off the boards."

Don't expect to hear: "I thought Aaron Rome was really noticeable tonight."

Name: Sami Salo

About: Salo wears #6 and is the longest-serving member of the Canucks' blueline corps. He's a walking calamity, more prone to mysterious disaster than ships passing through the Bermuda Triangle. He's the Canucks' best defenseman when healthy, but "when healthy" is a fancy way to say "never."

Nickname(s): Casper, Sami Solo, Salpa, Mr. Glass, Hurty McOuchie

My wife thinks he looks like: The ghost of Boo Radley.

If he touches the puck, every tendon in his body just ruptured a little.

Expect to hear: "For goodness' sake, Salo, stay out of the corner!"

Don't expect to hear: "Don't worry. Jason Botchford just tweeted that Salo's okay."

Name: Chris Tanev

About: Tanev is a call-up from the Canucks' AHL affiliate, the Manitoba Moose. Only two years ago, he was playing for the Markham Waxers of the OJHL (sidenote: not OJ Simpson's hockey league). Tanev went from there to the Rochester Institute of Technology. He's the first guy to make the NHL out of their program, which is a little like making the NHL after four years at the Emily Carr Institute.

Nickname(s): Who?

My wife thinks he looks like: Battlestar Galactica's Chief Tyrol.

If he touches the puck, it's a learning opportunity for everyone.

Expect to hear: "Who is Chris Tanev? Is he Russian?"

Don't expect to hear: "I know a lot about Chris Tanev."

:::::::::::::::::::: GOALTENDERS ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Roberto Luongo

About: Luongo wears #1, and is, appropriately, Canucks' number one goaltender. He used to be the captain, but he didn't really like it. Now he just stops pucks. He's pretty good at it. Don't listen to the people who tell you he isn't.

Nickname(s): Funny Bob, Louie, Bobby Lou,

My wife thinks he looks like: Sacha Baron Cohen.

If he touches the puck, you're supposed to yell "Looooooo!", no matter the context.

Expect to hear: He's overpaid! He's overrated! He didn't come out for his first star salute! Luongo kicks puppies!"

Don't expect to hear: "Luongo's salary is none of my business and I know nothing about the goaltending position, anyway."

Name: Cory Schneider

About: Schneider wears #35. He's the backup goaltender. Schneider has slowly worked his way up to the NHL by way of college and the AHL. He now appears ready for a full-time starting job. He won't get it in Vancouver, so he's really auditioning for a role somewhere else.

Nickname(s): Ginger Jesus, Schneids, Frecklesnoot

My wife thinks he looks like: Patrick Renna, star of The Big Green.

If he touches the puck, he just made a routine save, so brace yourself for a goaltending controversy.

Expect to hear: "Cory Schneider would have made that save. And he did. Because he's in goal tonight."

Don't expect to hear: "I miss Dany Sabourin."

Is a Canuck missing from this cheat sheet? Check the Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet Appendix.

Henrik Sedin Scored the Goal of the Year and Nobody Noticed

Do you remember this goal? Have you seen it before? It's amazing. Textbook Wizardous Sedinerie. It might be the best goal of this NHL season, it happened only one week ago, and yet nobody's talking about it.

Let me take you through what you're seeing: That's Henrik Sedin there, outskating two Shark players to turn an innocuous one-on-one into a sudden two-on-one. That's Daniel Sedin, taking the puck parallel to the blue line, perfectly timing his meandering entry into the zone with Henrik's sudden burst of speed, then making a tape-to-tape saucer pass to spring his brother in alone. And finally, that's Henrik Sedin again, drawing Antti Niemi well past his goalmouth, then wizardously dragging the puck to the backhand and sliding it into an empty net.

Henrik's move is an an incredible piece of stickhandling and poise that, up until now, was native only to the shootout. Peter Forsberg is famous for it. Henrik Zetterberg did it once, too. But, they did it in the shootout, with time, forethought, and healthy dose of space. Henrik Sedin pulled it off in-game, at top speed, surrounded by defenders.

And nobody's talking about it.

Thomas Gradin Started a Tradition of Swedish Stars

One of the most skilled players to ever wear a Canucks uniform, Thomas Gradin is a worthy inductee into the Canucks Ring of Honour. In a ceremony prior to last night's game against the Dallas Stars, Gradin took his place alongside Orland Kurtenbach and Kirk McLean in front of the Vancouver fans, as well as Marc Crawford, his former teammate. The ceremony was short and sweet, and featured Gradin's absolutely adorable grandson, Elias, wearing the Tre Kronor of Sweden and the presentation of a Glen Green original watercolor of in which Gradin sports the infamous "Halloween" jersey. Quite frankly, it's never looked better.

Gradin helped pave the way for other Europeans to come to the NHL and started a tradition of Swedish talent on the Canucks, which led to other Swedish stars such as Patrik Sundstrom, Matthias Ohlund, and Markus Naslund. Furthermore, he continues to feed that tradition as the Canucks' head European scout, instrumental in drafting the Sedins, Alex Edler, and prospects Anton Rodin and Peter Andersson.

Unfortunately, I wasn't born when Gradin started in the NHL with Stan Smyl and Curt Fraser, so I never got a chance to see him play or hear him speak. I didn't realize how truly similar Gradin was to my generation's Swedish superstars--the Sedins--until I read this great interview with Bob Dunn from a 1983 Canucks Magazine.

One of the frequent criticisms of the Sedins is that they pass the puck too much, passing on prime scoring opportunities by seemingly refusing to shoot the puck. Thomas Gradin faced the same criticism:

DUNN: In hockey, what's the toughest criticism you've ever had? What's hurt you the most?

GRADIN: That I never shoot the puck. I'm always hearing that, even in Sweden. I think it's tapered off. I think even the fan's realize that it's a good thing to pass the puck once in a while too.

DUNN: Did you ever feel you didn't shoot enough?

GRADIN: Well, when you get told four or five times a day, you better start thinking about it, but I never felt that I really had to, because if I make a good play and it turns out to be a goal anyway, there can't be any reason for doing that.

Classic. It definitely appears that he shares the same mindset as the Sedins. There are some other gems in this interview, including this bit on enforcers:

DUNN: Is intimidation still very much a part of the NHL?

GRADIN: Not as much as it used to be.

DUNN: Why?

GRADIN: Because the team can't afford to have those players. They can't afford to have a guy just for fighting. He has to be some kind of hockey player, too. That's the way it works.

And yet, 27 years later, Derek Boogaard can get signed to the New York Rangers for $6.5 million "just for fighting" and Guy Boucher is considered revolutionary for suggesting that any enforcer on his team needs to be able to "play the game."

Finally, this is just hilarious:

GRADIN: I don't think the Russians will ever change their attitude. There are Canadians whose ability is very low in comparison to some other guys, but they overcome that because of their attitude to just win the game, and I don't think the Russians can ever change that.

Ouch. Ovechkin, any response?

OVECHKIN: It's all about me.

Oh. Alright then.

I Watched This Game: Canucks vs Stars, January 24, 2011

Canucks 7 - 1 Stars

Friends, Romans, countrymen, I ask you, humbly, what is the cure for an offensive slump? Don't answer; this is a rhetorical question. The solution, as everybody knows, is an opponent with porous goaltending and crap defense. It's a fairly simple remedy, but the real trick is finding a major league team willing to provide it. Short of scheduling a shinny with the Washington Generals or the South Park Peewee Team, you can only hope that some NHL club is going to fly into town and generously lay an egg. Lucky for Canucks fans, that's about what happened in tonight's game which, by the way, I watched:

• What a welcome return to form for the home team. The Canucks played with the energy and pace they'd hinted at during the Calgary game and then some. We also saw a recommitment to limiting shots against (only 26 for a high-scoring Dallas team), and a renewed offensive potency (7 goals, y'all). They played much better than they have in quite awhile, more in keeping with the level of which we know they're capable. Still, before we get ahead of ourselves, it wasn't only a return to form that caused tonight's result; Dallas also played sloppier than a loose meat sandwich. What we saw was the Canucks' get better and the Stars come apart at the same time, and this beautiful coincidence resulted in a nasty shellacking.

• A number of slumps were bumped tonight, but none more important than the goals scored by both of Ryan Kesler's wingers. Mikael Samuelsson's was an especially nice wrist shot. Word is he broke his goal-scoring slump by imagining a logo in the top corner of the net, then hitting it dead center. Perhaps more impressive than the goal, however, were his game-high five shots, equal to how the number of shots he attempted. None were blocked, and none missed.

• I'm not sure if Mason Raymond's goal will stay his. The scorekeepers seemed so eager to declare another slump busted that they seemed to give it to him just because he was near it. Looks like Edler blasted it clean through to me; Raymond might be more deserving of a takeaway for stealing credit. But I won't quibble over whether or not it's his; I'm not Maury Povich. Let's just hope it's the first of many.

• Speaking of blasting pucks, let's take a moment to celebrate the long-awaited emergence of Alex Edler's deadly slapper. He had two assists tonight, both on redirected slapshots (the aforementioned, from Raymond, and one from Kesler to take a 2-1 lead). Christian Ehrhoff also had a goal on one that got clean through. Ehrhoff's been the member of this pairing most willing to shoot this season, which has always seemed silly to me. Edler's got the hardest shot on the team. Now, they're both shooting regularly, and it's made them a lethal tandem on the blue line, with 12 points in the last six games. Letting them fire away seems like a wise move, especially after they broke the power play's two-game mini slump by these very means.

• Aaron Volpatti had a strong game tonight, and it's possible that you hardly noticed. First there was a solid hit on Tom Wandell behind the Stars' net. Then, Krys Barch tried to respond by drawing Volpatti into a fight, but Volpatti was smart enough to realize it wasn't the right time. Instead, he responded by shouting, "F*** you, Barch!" loud enough for the cameras to clearly pick it up.

• Later, Volpatti assisted on the Henrik Sedin 5-1 backbreaker halfway into the 2nd, skating well and centering a puck that would go in off Steve Ott's boot after a touch from Henrik. If the assist wasn't enough, Volpatti then "accidentally" tripped over Ott as he circled the net to celebrate the goal. It was a smart, sneaky play, and don't be surprised that Volpatti's a sneak; everybody knows Ivy Leaguers are shifty. I mean, they steal entire social networks from one another.

• If you're wondering why Henrik Sedin already has a mind-boggling 50 assists on the season, look no further than his puck movement on the power play. Watch him on either power play goal. On Kesler's goal, he draws three defenders to him with a simply head fake before making a brilliant saucer pass to Edler for a one-timer. On Ehrhoff's goal, it's much a simpler feed, but this time Henrik uses a head fake to back his defender off. Opponents are so terrified he's going to pass, you'd think they were auditioning for American Idol.

• The perennially out for blood Daniel Sedin is now 4 points back of the NHL scoring lead. Earlier today, Elliotte Friedman suggested he might get picked last in the NHL All-Star draft. If that happens, I suspect he'll coolly walk to the podium and shoot his captain in the chest, like Boomer on Battlestar Galactica.

• Andrew Raycroft's mask is as sparkly as a preteen girl's binder. Or a preteen girl's idea of a vampire.

• How to make a player lose his mind: eye gouge him in a scrum. Just like the Rypien incident, you can clearly see Burish raging, "he was eye gouging me," after the referees finally pull Burrows and him apart. Not to go all "Ron Maclean" on you guys, but, considering Burr's reputation, he's probably guilty here. That's a finger to the peeper and a stick to the peepee in the last two weeks. He needs to be careful he doesn't get a reputation as a dirty(er) player.

• If he's not careful, he'll undo all the goodwill the Zen Canucks have built up towards officials this season. Seriously, the Canucks successfully argued for a call to be overturned tonight. When the last time that's ever happened? I think we're more used to the "On second thought, the Canucks lose" type of calls. Especially recently.

• Dan Hamhuis dropped his gloves tonight. Dan. Hamhuis. What could Mike Ribiero have possibly said or done to make Hammy drop the mitts? Ribieiro: Frankly, I don't think Haiti deserves our relief. And the children can read to themselves. Hamhuis: I'll kill you!

• Congratulations to Chris Tanev, who picked up his first career point, an assist on Hamhuis's goal, the seventh and final goal of the evening. Tanev showed impressive poise tonight, finishing a plus-one with two blocked shots in just over sixteen minutes of icetime. Granted, everyone (in blue) looked good tonight, but Tanev is beginning to look like he might belong in the NHL, which is more than I can say for tonight's opponent.

• All credit to Tanner Glass, who spent some time tonight as the fourth-line center, and some time as the third-line winger. When he earned third line icetime last season, it was more an indictment of the Canucks' lack of forward depth. This season, however, he's been so defensively responsible and so smart with the puck that he's earned every extra minute he's been given, and I'm happy to eat crow when it comes to his stints in the top nine. I'm still not sold on his scoring ability, but I think, when your third line hasn't scored in ten games or more, Tanner Glass certainly can't make you offensively less potent.

• Kevin Bieksa's eye doesn't look too bad... if he's planning a trip to McDonaldland. His face is so purple he could pass for The Grimace. Speaking of passing, Bieksa did take advantage of the distinguishable mark for some brilliant duplicity. Rather than serve a second period penalty, he traded places with a wax #statueofbieksa (hashtag credit: @RE4713), and nobody noticed because, like the real Bieksa, the replica had a black eye.

• The Canucks dominated the faceoff circle tonight, winning 40 of 65 draws. All four centres finished over 50%, with even Glass winning 4-of-7. He's won 17 of 31 on the season now, which is pretty impressive, considering he was 3-for-18 last season. He's developing this skill really quickly.

• This is the second consecutive game versus the Canucks where the Stars have lost their composure, and you have to consider their sources of leadership. First, Marc Crawford's teams have never been known for being particularly mentally tough (and Crow's never been good at knowing when to pull his goalie, either). Second, Brendan Morrow's captaincy might be a good cautionary tale for those who think Kesler should have gotten the "C" in Vancouver. Like Kesler, Morrow plays an intense, gritty game that's a nice example when he's focused, but he has a tendency to get overemotional and lose focus. When he does, the team follows him. He's simply not a calming force.

• Henrik Sedin, on the other hand, knows how to channel his emotions. He digs so deep, you might say he chunnels his emotions. He was solely to blame on Dallas's only goal, but rather than beat himself up about it, he simply upped his resolve. He looked downright determined to atone for the remainder of the period. Then he did. Not since the award-winning film based on the novel Atonement have I seen such atonement.

Marty Turco Feels the Same Way as Many of Us

I love this clip. I love it because I've often wondered how players feel about resident NHL egghead Pierre McGuire standing between the benches, gushing superlatives and loudly declaring certain player's monsters. For the record: Marty Turco thinks he's a clown.

That said, I also love Pierre McGuire. He's an odd duck, a creepy cat, and he has no idea how personal bubbles work, but he also has some great observations and gets some great responses. Consider, for instance, yesterday's NBC game between the Blackhawks and Flyers. McGuire noticed that the Flyers were sitting back a little, and he asked coach Peter Laviolette directly during a bench interview. The question caught Laviolette off-guard, and he coyly, asked, "Are you sure?," hoping McGuire would back off. McGuire's response: "I'm positive." It was a bizarre moment, but it goaded Laviolette into an impressively honest response: the Flyers had adjusted their system slightly to combat the Blackhawks' speed through the neutral zone. It was a win for McGuire.

The above clip is not a win for McGuire. Neither, by the way, is his choice of eyewear. How a man with such a round head could be convinced that such round glasses were the way to go is beyond me.


Hat tip to Houses of the Hockey, via Puck the Media for the clip.

20 More Things Overheard at the NHL War Room

I know, I know. I did this joke yesterday. Cut me some slack. I can't even fully explain how much fun these are to come up with. You should try it. Tweet us @passittobulis, with the hashtag #NHLWarRoomQuotes. Here are twenty more things overheard at the NHL War Room:

1. "Okay, Mr. VanMassenhoven. Pick a number, then a colour, then a number."
   
2. "A lot of people said I was crazy to hire an all-blind team, but look at us now. Oh right, you can't."
   
3. "It's hard to make out... can we zoom in? Why did we pick such a dirty coin? I can't read heads or tails. Inconclusive."
   
4. "I'm torn. Both teams are from Canada, but we have to rule in favour of one of them."
   
5. "Wait, zoom in. Is that a tattoo?"
   
6. "I can't see it on camera, but I was just reading about object permanence. Did you know it has to be somewhere?"
   
7. "If you listen closely, you can hear him thinking about blowing the whistle just before the puck goes in."
   
8. "Hey, this is alfredo sauce! I said pomodoro sauce! This is the last time we order Italian. Rule against Luongo."
   
9. "Bad news, guys. We've all gotta stay late--I just found out the Canucks play tonight. Hey! Relax. Your beef is with Vancouver, not me."
   
10. "I don't think that should count. The goalie couldn't see it."
    
11. "Good news, guys! The NHL has asked us to pick the musical act for the All-Star Game. Let's put our heads together and see if we can't come up with something everyone will like."
    
12. "Okay, I was just looking through yesterday's logs, and it says here that someone ruled in favour of Buffalo. What the Hell! We've talked about this!"
    
13. "This clip is boring. Change it to Two and a Half Men."
    
14. "Did anyone else see Double Moustache Man?"
    
15. "That's a clean hit. The head is part of the shoulder, right?"
    
16. "I'm so sick of the officials calling us. Do we have to hold their hand through everything?"
    
17. "Hey, switch to the net cam. Ha ha, look how big his ass looks."
    
18. "The puck is black, right?"
    
19. "Tell them we couldn't see the puck so the call on the ice stands. Gosh, this will be a lot easier when the power comes back on."
    
20. "Get the Braille rule book."
    

From the Archives: Is Lee Sweatt the Next Brian Rafalski?

If you spent the weekend engaged in activities and doin thangs, you might have missed the news that the Canucks have recalled defenseman Lee Sweatt. This is primarily a precautionary measure. Kevin Bieksa's eye is swollen shut, and because he's not Steve Nash, he probably can't play like that. Unless Juice gets better in a hurry, Lee Sweatt will get the nod.

But who is Lee Sweatt? Is he worth getting excited about? Possibly. Last September, when Sweatt was just one of many training camp hopefuls, I suggested he might be the next Brian Rafalski. I'll admit it's far-fetched to assume Sweatt can match the impressive career of the Red Wings defenseman, but it's not impossible, and the similarities between the two players are uncanny. Since interest in him couldn't be higher, I thought I'd dig the post up from the archives and give it a second tour. So, here, for your perusal, is Is Lee Sweatt the Next Brian Rafalski?, an original PITB article.

| Continue Reading |

20 Things Overheard in the NHL War Room

Last night's contentious decision from the NHL War Room--in which they defied their own precedent and overruled an on-ice no-goal call despite inconclusive evidence--was just another bit of proof that Colin Campbell and his crack squad of AV geeks have literally no idea what they're doing. And, in case you weren't convinced, PITB's recently-dispatched War Room spy has returned, reporting twenty of the most remarkable #NHLWarRoomQuotes he's heard:

1. "Vancouver's on the phone. Don't they know what time it is?"
   
2. "How did we do it last time?"
   
3. "What does 'distinct' mean, anyway? There's literally no way of knowing."
   
4. "Man, that's a tough call. Unplug the phone."
   
5. "I think it's a touchdown."
   
6. "I told them, I don't know much about hockey, but I was Dan Hartman's synth player, so I've got a lot of experience with Instant Replay."
   
7. "Crap, I think Canada's on to us."
   
8. He knocked it down with a high stick and then he kicked it in, but it's Gregory, so count it.
   
9. "What part of 'inconclusive' don't you understand? I said I'm on break."
   
10. "I can't decide. Load the mousetraps and get the mouse."
    
11. "Is that the rule? Somebody Google it."
    
12. "Did you know I interviewed for their vacant general manager position? I didn't get it. Anyway, no goal."
    
13. "I can't see it--the crossbar's in the way. Oh wait, it's just a Twizzler on the monitor again."


14. "FSN Pittsburgh has another angle, but they said it would take four to six weeks for delivery."
    
15. "Zoom in. Now increase the pixels."
    
16. "Let's just say 'he intended to blow the whistle'. Then amend the rule before people start snooping around. Unplug the phone."
    
17. "He's faking it. That's fake blood."
    
18. "Call it a goal. Nobody's watching anyway."
    
19. "Bwa ha ha, screw the Sabres."
    
20. "Guys, we suck at this."